A Measure of Grace

I have been a weepy mess this week... And it's only Tuesday. I have a very close family member who has been embroiled in a nasty legal battle brought by other members of the family. My heart has broken as I've watched her attempt to maintain a relationship that is being destroyed by greed and jealousy. Every time I think about her situation, I am reminded of the parable told to King David by Nathan the Prophet....

New International Version 1984

Nathan Rebukes David

1The Lord sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. 2The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, 3but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.

4“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”

5David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this deserves to die! 6He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”

7Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! 

I used to work in the life department of an insurance company. Time and again, I've seen family members lie, steal and cheat for as little as a few hundred dollars. The idea that someone may have no right to something, yet simply cannot stand the thought of someone else having what they cannot, is very common.  When  the possessions are divided, the money is long gone, all that remains are annihilated relationship, torn lives and broken hearts. I made the remark a couple of years ago.... "At this point, the most loving thing to do, is to facilitate a healthy relationship between these two parties so the last memories are of joy and not sorrow." Sadly,  the only thing many can facilitate is grief, because they are not happy, they prefer no one be happy.  My Pastor, whom I have so much admiration for has always said, if he erres, he wants to err on the side of grace. Grace is many things, but it is never self serving and usually always goes against our human nature. I know that if I extend grace by the measure of  grace I need, than I will be extending a LOT of grace.

...and Justice for All

Riveted!!! I know, I sound like a talking head on T.V., but it's the only way to describe my  my interest in the sad case of Casey Anthony. I was memorized and perplexed by the case from the very first report of her missing child. In the beginning it completely boggled my mind as to how a mother with any maternal instincts whatsoever, could not report her child missing. Sadly, three years and a trial later, it still boggles my mind. Regardless of how the case is dissected, analyzed or debated, it still comes out a puzzle with several pieces missing. It's safe to say we will never know what happened or who was involved. Today when I heard the verdict and I read and heard some reactions to it, this was the mental picture that came to mind....

John 8

 Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them.The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?" They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone." Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. "Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?" "No one, Master."
   "Neither do I," said Jesus. "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin."

Before the trial began, the judge spoke to the jury. In essence he told them that the accused entered the court room an innocent woman. Although she had been accused of crimes, the burden to prove her guilt was up to the state. Until that burden had been met, she remained an innocent woman. I let that settle in for a moment and it changed the way I viewed the rest of the trial.  I came to realize that not only should I look at the trial differently, I should approach my day to day interactions differently. I've been guilty of putting people in a box due to past interactions with them, taping the lid shut, never to allow them to break out of "the box" to hurt me again.  Likewise, I've had people put me in a box due to interactions, which may have been harsh, irrational, or simply just taken wrong, and there I am, sitting in a dark closed in box, usually of my own making. Casey will forever be known as at best, the woman who did not report her child missing, or at worse, got away with murder.  Regardless of what good she may move on to do on this earth, she will never be able to escape the box that her actions has put her in.  Thank God for mercy!!! What do you think Jesus wrote in the dirt? The 10 commandments? Sins he knew had been committed by those surrounding the woman? Names? Whatever it was, it settled into the hearts of the woman's accusers and they dropped their rocks and walked away.  Something tells me they didn't have their heads held high.  Sometimes I forget that I'm not as "good" as I want to be, and will look at others with judgement.... Then I remember who I really am. I'm greatly flawed, yet tenderly loved by a merciful God. My prayer is to be able to look at others and remember that they are the same. I'll throw my rocks down and remember if it wasn't for Mercy, justice for all would be harsh on every one of us.... Me included.

The Story of the Real Christ

This month is Revival month for Ray of Hope Church in Comanche, OK. Last weekend Jason Crabb

preached for A.M. service and sang for P.M. service. Let me say for the record that the boy has a set of lungs on him that won't stop! He can sing! He wasn't just raised under a pew, he was raised on stage and he can preach as well as he can sing.  For the second week in a row we had someone preaching about..... Being Real! I seriously about fell off the pew when he was talking about how Christians put on fronts like we got it all together, when really we got stuff falling apart just like everybody else.... Churched or unchruched! That's pretty much been my mantra over the last year! Take down the facades and show people that we have stuff just like they have stuff and yes..... We struggle.  I don't care who you are, I don't care if you go to church or if you've never darkened the doors, we all struggle with something, regardless of how perfect we might think we are.  Some struggle with addictions, some with pornography, some with self-esteem issues and some with pure old self-righteousness. We all struggle with something... Because we are human.  We smile for our friends, we go through the motions, we strive to overcome, but we struggle and often pretend that we don't! Why, why, why do we do that? Pride. Simple and hard to swallow.... At the core of our being we struggle with selfishness (the cause of sin) and pride (which God opposes) and then have the audacity to pretend to others that we don't.  I suppose we want to look or sound more superior than we really are.... Sad but true. We pretend we don't want to be put on a pedestal and then we try to hoist ourselves up on one. The thing about pretending we don't struggle or haven't been delievered from anything, is when we do that others who are in the middle of their sturggle or in the pit of their addiction don't understand that delieverance is possible, redemption is possible. They look at all the pretty people in church, doing all the right things and think to themselves.... I'll never fit in, or I have to get over this by myself first or they will never accept me, or worse, Christ will never except me... I'm not perfect. That's

exactly like Christ rising from the grave but pretending he was never dead!!! What good does that do anyone? Not only did Christ rise from the dead, he had the scars to prove it. Christ used those scars to minister to others, that's what Christ did. Why do we want to pretend we are something more than what we really are? Christ found each and every Christian in the pit of their sin and he brought them out or is in the process of bringing them out. News flash!!! Forgiveness is instant, delieverance most often takes time, it is a process.  I don't have to worry about feeling like an angel unless you're talking about the fallen kind. I'm flawed with much forgiven, which is the story of Christ!!!! I couldn't be happier to be in that position because there is nothing to live up to, he's already done it for me.  All I have to do is let his mercy and his grace flood my heart until it penetrates the marrow of my bones. It doesn't matter that I was raised under a pew or followed the 29 prominent teachings of the church; all that matters is that I'm forgiven.... That's as good as it can get!

Walking In the Shade

 

"False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade."
Christian N. Bovee

 A friend on facebook posted this quote the other day. It immediately jumped out at me because I wasn't just in the shade last year, I was completely in the dark. I can honestly say nothing will teach you about being judged, critiqued or deserted like walking in the dark places for a time. You can't really blame others when you take a sharp turn with your personality and actions, but it still stings and makes you realize that most friendship are of the conditional nature. My journey has made me take a step back and take a good look at my judgments toward others. If I can't love in the dark times as well as the light times, what good is my love? If I can't offer companionship during the times of difficulty, why offer it at all? I don't want to be a good times only friend, I want to be a through thick or thin friend. When the seas of life get rough and you lose your way, that's when you need the life vest of a true friend wrapped around you. It really is possible to love someone without agreeing with everything they do. It seems like the position of choice is to stand outside the shaded areas until they wonder back into the light instead of going into the darkness and being a light which points them back to the sun (or should I Son).The other day a good friend (who I take particular pride in harassing) said.... "Yep, the old Jac is back." He had know idea how much that meant to me; it literally brought tears to my eyes. I can't even explain the difficulty of the path back, nor the lessons learned while I was there. Walking in the shade isn't fun, but it is very enlightening. It certainly made me look at things (and people) much differently. 

 "Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light."
Norman B. Rice

 

 

Because I Want To

 "After everything you've done for her, I can't believe she would do that!!"

When I was younger, I had a tendency to approach friendships differently than I do today. After much trial and error in friendships I realized I was doing it wrong. I'm a blue person... People pleaser sort. When I was younger, I would jump through hoops to help my friends in any and every way possible. Mention to me that you were too tired to do your laundry, I'd run over and haul it to my house and do it for you. Need a baby sitter so you and your husband could go on a date.... Bring the kids over, I'll do it for you. I simply loved doing things for people, still do but it's a little different now.  If I knew one of my friends were going through something, maybe a sickness or death in the family, I made it my mission in life to check in with them to see if I could help in any way, I  kept up-to-date with them throughout the process and when needed attend the funerals.... Because I was a good friend. There were a couple of relationships that I was in

where I felt like I had worked myself to death (willingly), yet when I needed a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or just a day off, It never seemed convenient for either of these friends to help me. When my Mother-In-Law was dying of cancer, I never heard from them, even though they knew the diagnosis was grim. After a while, it really started to hurt my feelings. I felt like I was being a better friend to them then they were to me. It seemed the more I was willing to give the more they would take but never saw the need in reciprocating the favor. After years of this going on, I started having a lot of anger and bitterness about the relationship and began backing off. When they called with a need, if I felt like doing it I would (expecting nothing in return), but often I found myself saying no. The years passed and the friendship faded away like a lot of friendships eventually do. They didn't end on a sour note, our lives just took different paths. It took years for me to get over the hurt and anger I felt about being used. After much praying and analyzing the friendships I realized that I was the one who allowed myself to be taken advantage of. Those relationships were back in my 20's. I now have a whole new outlook at friendships. I'm a little more guarded now when developing friends. I don't feel the need for every single person I know to be my friend. The things I do inside a friendship are things I truly want to do. I no longer do things just to please people, to impress them, or in an effort to raise their opinion of me. If I come get your laundry and do it for you (first thing is call a

paramedic, something is most certainly wrong), I do it because I want to and I expect nothing in return. Lowering my expectations of others has made a huge difference and lowering the expectations I have for myself has made an even bigger difference. I am surrounded by a lot of very thoughtful friends. When someone does something thoughtful for me, I am pleasantly surprised, because I have no expectation. It's hard for people to fail you when you have no expectations of what they should be doing. A lot of my old behavior stemmed from needing people to like me. I was living in a new town, I didn't know anyone and I missed home. I'm at a stage in life now, if you like me great, if you don't great, I'm ok either way. There is a freedom of not needing people to approve of you, not needing their affirmation. Now when people approve of me, or affirm me, it's  a

blessing, because it comes so unexpected.Someone said the quote at the beginning of this blog to me over a year ago. My response was... "I did those things because I wanted to, she owes me nothing." I could honestly say that because everything I gave her, my time, my help, whatever it was, I had given it to her unconditionally. People are going to let me down sometimes, that's just a fact of life. It happens a lot less often, because I have no great expectations,I'm not keeping score and the friends I have now, we do a lot of giving and taking as life demands it. When I give I give from my heart so there are no strings attached. Maybe it's true the older you get the less you care about what people think about you, it sure would have been nice to have that mindset about 20 years ago.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I lay in my bed (feeling pretty proud of myself) and wanted to share my good news with a good friend. So I sent her a text with the latest JackieWorld news bulletin, knowing she would be both tickled pink and thrilled to death. Shock of shock, horror of all horrors, she was neither... "You are so spoiled!" the text read. Well Duh!!! Is that suppose to be headlining news? Geeze! I like to sugar coat it with the title of "blessed" but spoiled works too. Who says I can't stand it when people are real (chuckle, chuckle) with me. I was neither shocked, mad, insulted, or hurt that she dared to speak the truth (she added an LOL at the end so that made it easier to swallow) because you know what??? I already knew the truth. I also know people that know me know the truth too. still it never hurts to have people tell you what you already know, in fact some times it's just plain good for you. There is nothing like someone grabbing you by the chin and having you take a good close look at yourself... "Mirror mirror on the wall" Trust me there have been plenty of times I've given her a good (but loving) look in the mirror too... Like when she tells me she wants Botox. I have no problem telling her that is the most asinine thing I've ever heard, or when she tells me she wants a Gastric Bybass, I really blast her then. She lives through it, I do too and it's probably one of the reasons we're such good friends. Last time we visited I mentioned the spoiled rotten text to her and she promptly put her head on the table and laughed.... "I hope you didn't take that wrong." I certainly didn't, I took it as the absolute truth and didn't have a hard time swallowing it. She could have called me a lot worse, but guess she is saving the rest for later (guess I'll have to get my big girl panties on). Yeah, we're still friends, I appreciated the honesty and I don't thinks she loves me any less because I'm spoiled and I don't love her any less for saying it. Like I've said before, it's not what people says that bother me, but what they don't say. The eyes are windows to the soul and the most painful things are sometimes left unsaid because there is malice behind them that can't be hidden.... With or without words. They say that truth is stranger than fiction, but trust me.... Nothing can be as strange as what I see staring back at me in the mirror of my soul sometimes. Just because I hope others are blind to it, doesn't mean they are. I appreciate those who give me a little heads up on the fact that I may need to get my stuff under control...  Friends should be comfortable enough with one another to be lovingly honest, brazenly bold and eagerly open to helping each other strive toward self improvement. If I want someone to agree with me on everything than I'll never have friendships that run very deep. If someone needs a friend who is always going to stroke their ego and tell them they are right, then they probably don't want to choose me (frankly I suck at ego stroking).  Of course the key to everything is LOVE. You're not going to nit pick someone you love to death over every little thing. You're not going to be hatefully honest with someone you love. And you certainly don't want to see someone you love meander down a path of self destruction just because no one around them had the guts to be honest with them because they fear their wrath. My friends have authorization to stop me in mid stride should I head down a dangerous path and I choose my friends wisely enough to know they will do it with love, caring concern, with hopefully a dose of humor on the side (because humor softens the blow of everything). Meanwhile, I'll try to keep a handle on the spoiled rotten, queen of all things routine (although I'll admit I'm really good at that act). Apparently it gets on some peoples nerves and I certainly wouldn't want to do that.  You know who you are and I just wanted to tell you thanks for being a friend, thanks for loving me in spite and if you do get Botox.... I promise to make fun of your perma-smile:-)

Losing the Battle But Winning the War

Ephesians 6:12 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Today I certainly feel like I lost the battle. My weakness is that all too often I don't recognize my stuggles as being spiritual, but tend to look at them as being all emotions and just the drama of day to day living. If I would just stop for one second and look at things as they are instead of how they appear, I would be much better off. Having been raised in Girl World (which is my personal term for all things female), I sluff things off as just being pure emotion rather than looking at them for what they are which is a spiritual attack from the very bowels of hell. Why, why, why do I do that? Oh wait.... maybe because I'm human. I don't look at myself as a mighty warrior because deep down inside I don't feel like I'm enough of a threat to be in the war (I'm just being... well I won't say real, but I will say brutally honest). Honestly I wish I could just tuck my emotions in a suitcase and ship them to another universe, or give them the strong arm out the back door so I wouldn't have to deal with them. Then again if I woke up every morning prepared for the days battle, I might be a little more successful in knocking a few of those battles out. I've come to know that arming yourself isn't a one time deal but something you do every second of every minute of every hour of every day of your life.  Yep, you got it.... This is a self scholding blog post. So Jac, today you lost the battle but at least you live to fight another day and will rise to win the war because Sister it's not over till the fat lady sings or the trumpet blows. Gird yourself up girl and let's get-er-done, with a little more style tomorrow and in really cute shoes (cause in heavenly Girl World the whole armor includes cute shoes.... They kick butt)

Ephesians 6:11 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

Please Don't Give Me a Hard Time

Discounting the last year, I'm not one who typically has the urge to give someone a piece of my mind.  Mostly, because there isn't that much to share, but also because it's just not my nature. Some people thrive on setting themselves up as judge, jury and executioner as well as the moral authority on all things and all people. The people they target don't necessarily have to have anything to do with them.... The situation may not effect them at all (as in it's none of their business), but still they are just itching to jump right in the big middle, with judgement in hand. I just don't think I have that kind of energy, plus.... OMG what if I was wrong and made the wrong judgment call?  I had one of these people digging in my garden last week, trolling up things they knew nothing about, making all the wrong assumptions and then publicly trying to crucify me.  I was laying in the bed with a raging fever and felt like my throat had been scalped by Indians (no offense to Indians). I got a notice on my phone about what this person had said. It was like someone pulled a rip cord deep inside of me and righteous indignation (well there wasn't much that was righteous about it) came shooting out of my ears. Before I knew it I had allowed this person to drag me down to their level (I should have beaten the dog out of them while I was there, JK). Later, when the fever (legitimate fever... I had strep) had passed, I was humiliated that I had taken the bait like a catfish lurking under a rock waiting for a worm. Last year when I was in the throws of recovery from my injury, I had a lot of those moments.... Oh how I wish I could take them back. It was like a ball of fire would hit the wrong button and I became a nuclear weapon that had no control. The head injury was a legitimate excuse, but still the thought of me acting like that has humbled me greatly... Because head injury or not, if it hadn't been hidden in my heart somewhere,it  wouldn't have been able to come out. I may have a hard time forgiving myself over this, but I have to believe, in faith, that God is my judge and I'm good with Him. Some people live their entire lives in this state of ugliness. I am so thankful that my state was temporary even if it did seem to last an eternity. Why would anyone willingly live in such a state? It truly baffles my mind and makes me terribly sad. There are countless injustices that happen every day in every one's life, but you can't live your life set on go (or in constant attack mode). Thinking over the last year, when I remember those feeling of being out of control, it brings so much shame to me that as I blog tears stream down my cheeks. I so don't want to be one of those people. I truly want to have a compassionate heart even for those who are blatantly making bad (and sometimes wicked) choices. I just pray that God will keep my heart ever tender.... Even to those who mean to cause me or others harm. If it's a process for me (someone who doesn't have a mean nature), I can't imagine what it must be like for those who do. I feel sorry for those who do choose to live a life of hatefulness, even if they attempt to drape a cloth of "best intentions" around it and advertise it as justice.I saw a facebook post the other day that said... 

"There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down ...is a part of LIFE, getting back up is LIVING"

Gosh, that is so true. I had someone ask me the other day why I didn't have any desire to be around certain people. My reply was as simple and straight forward as it could be... "Because they are mean hateful people" I don't have the time or the energy for that. Life is too short to live it in the presence of those who try to make it harder than it is. Give me happy people, give me laughter, give me joy, but please don't give me a hard time.

 

 

 

 

 

Dazed and Confused and Totally Slap Happy :-|)

 
A Facebook friend posted the other day that she was "Dazed and Confused" about something she had seen. Sadly or actually happily, I've become quiet content in my dazed and confused state. It's very refreshing not to feel like I should know it all,or that I should have all the answers. I don't feel the need to be a big bag of wisdom or someones spiritual guru because of my vast depth of biblical knowledge and unsurpassed worldly experiences. Nope, I'm happy and content to skip happily along in ignorant bliss knowing that there are plenty of other people out there keeping up the charade of "Knowing it all". Even in my dazed and confused state I have enough sense to know if someone claims to know it all or have it all under control I should high tail it out of their presence

and "Run Forest Run!" I run to the sheltering truth that I am mere human, highly flawed and can only be made perfect in Him. Me and God have this thing going on, I trust him to know what's going on and he expects me to keep the best attitude possible even when I feel like what's happening sucks great big green apples. He hasn't asked me not to mention that it sucks great big green apples when it does (trust me he hears me loud and clear, but I tend to think he laughs at me more than he gets upset with me), but to trust him that the green will turn to sweet... Eventually. Ever since I've laid it down at the foot of the cross and turned

Maxine is much more of a
spiritual wizard than
people give her credit for!

my back on what other people think and say (which is difficult for one who has been a people pleasing machine since I was a wee one), I've been a much more content person.  Just being able to rest in the knowledge that he knows it all and has it all under control leaves me free to be be.... dazed and confused in a good, happy-go-lucky kinda way. My perfections, skills, knowledge and wisdom may be few and far between, but my joy has the ability to be limitless if I allow it to be and I attribute a lot of that to the freedom I feel in my dazed and confused state... In fact you could call me slap happy these days.  I used to get my feelings hurt when I was in a conversation and people just tuned me out because they thought they knew it all and there was nothing I could add to their knowledge. Now, I'm off in my own little universe, totally out of touch with reality (or so they think, hehe) and I don't even get offended when they cut me off in mid-sentence, I pretty much expect it from some. I just smile and think to myself.... "What I was going to say could have been really profound"(probably not, but there is always a slim possibility). Yep, dazed and confused keeps other people from expecting me to have all the answers which is expecting WAY too much, even if I do have a lot going on. If anyone would like to join me here I can tell you the zip code is I Peter 5:5-10 and the taxes are way less taxing on the soul and the rewards are amazing!!! Really, you should try it, you just might like it and become slap happy too. Trust me, it's a good thing... That's what He keeps reminding me over and over again.

Opening My Boxes

Fallen

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this week. It was about the moral character of a person. I used to be of the mindset that everything was black and white, good or bad. Either you had moral integrity, or you didn't have it. Either you were a good person or you weren't. This thought pattern led me to pass judgment on people based on what I could see and how it fit into the white/black/good/bad category. I wouldn't simply put them in the black or white zone, I would put them in the right/wrong box and there they stayed forever and ever amen. For the most part I was raised in a church that did the same thing. When people messed up, regardless of the redemption they may have found at the cross, they could never quiet find that kind of forgiveness in the church and they especially couldn't find forgetfulness that cast your sins as far and the east is from the west. I suppose that kind of redemption is considered strictly Divine attributes of our Lord. My question is should it not be an attribute that we, as followers of Christ, should strive to obtain? The Bible does tell us to forgive.... I believe it says 70 times 7, but to be honest with you I don't know of many who practice that verse, myself included. I can forgive, but dang it, forgetting is nearly impossible to do. Sometimes it's not even about forgiveness. It's easy to see friends, family and people in the community make bad choices, we may not even know them, but when the rumors hit our ears, we don't hesitate to dump them in the bad box, fold the flaps and walk away. I once knew a woman who was a wonderful wife and mother. In fact I believe her and her husband received a "Family of the Year" award. shortly thereafter she began to change. I had lost touch with her but I know that these changes effected her marriage, her children and eventually led to the murder of her best friend. I knew this woman. I had gone to church with her, I had been to her house, she was a good person.... and then something happened. After she was released from prison I talked to her ex-husband who said she had gotten her life back together, had a job and was attending church again. He seemed at peace with things and I admired his ability to speak of her without any hint of bitterness or anger. I wonder about her often. She will forever wear the label of "that woman". The story of what she did will follow her forever. I suppose it's just the law of reaping what you sow, but I can't help but wonder if Christ wouldn't rather us embrace the "new and improved" version and work on forgetting the small window in history where she wasn't new and definitely wasn't improved. Several years ago I took the Beth Moore bible study on David. Of  her studies I believe I liked this one the most. The reason is because the bible specifically calls David a man after God's own heart. Yet when you read David's story it reads like a script off of Desperate Housewives. David failed time and time again. David made some horrible choices that also resulted in innocent deaths. Yet in spite of those errors in judgments.... The bible calls him a man after God's own heart. That is comforting to me. I require a lot of grace from the throne.... Not a little, a lot. I may not go out and commit murder, I may not conceal a crime, commit adultery, but I do believe the ability to do so lies deep inside each and every person... given the right circumstances. But for the grace of God go I. I heard a song the other day that spoke of this. The lyrics said.....

          Fallen
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed  (Sarah McLachlan)

That's how I've come to look at people.... Everyone is one misstep away from being forever labeled. Yet, to know that you can be wholly human, completely flawed and still be a man or woman after God's own heart.... Nothing short of amazing!!! Most people probably remember David for his failures and never stop to analyze his accomplishments. Why? Because as humans we tend to put people in a box, label, and fold the flaps. I'm just glad that Christ hasn't folded the flaps on me and in spite of myself. I can still be know by him as a woman after his heart... That's good news to this feisty gal, because we have all fallen and if we haven't then at some point in life we will. I'm working on unfolding the flaps of my boxes I've set aside, and releasing the ones that I've had trapped by judgment. Because when I fall, I don't want to be trapped in a box that I can never escape.

I'm Having a Mess Reduction

I wish I had a dime for every time I heard someone say..... "And I thought they were suppose to be a Christian!". This statement is usually said with a somewhat scrunched up nose,typically a little side to side head bob, and in a tone of utter disgust. This is the part where I usually bite my tongue (till blood is trickling down my chin), take a deep breath and just try to remain calm and not cry. Why??? Because if there were ever an imperfect person to carry the title of "Christian" it would be me. The only thing that keeps me going, is the knowledge that well people don't need a doctor, nor a hospital. I know I'm sick at heart and the only place to receive true healing is at the foot of the cross.... That's why I'm called a Christian, not because I'm perfect, but because I'm not. I honestly think a lot of people believe Christians claim to be perfect. Trust me I've run across a lot of Christians who believed they were indeed perfect, boy are they in for a big surprise. Every single day of my life I wake up fighting against every fleshly instinct and desire. EVERY DAY!!! My definition of a Christian is someone who does exactly that.... They are fighting with everything they've got not to become everything they shouldn't be and to become everything they should be in Christ. Proclaiming to be a Christian is a hard fought battle.... It is not for the weak at heart. Part of the reason it is so difficult is because if you carry that title everyone around you who doesn't is just waiting for you to slip up..... Waiting for you to fail... Just so they'll have the opportunity to say.... "I thought she was suppose to be a Christian" I'll sadly admit that I myself have been guilty as charged. I've looked at other Christians behavior in distaste and wondered how they had the nerve to set foot in a church. I was raised in a church that believed if you followed the rules and teachings that they put together in a little pamphlet then you were good and could be called a Christian, if you didn't you were damned to hell in a hand basket.The older I've gotten the more I realize that everyone struggles with something. Some people struggle in the dark hoping no one will find out that they are struggling, while others struggle out loud so that no one will be caught by surprise if they find out they're not perfect (I would be the one struggling out loud). Some days I feel like climbing to the roof with a sign that says "I'm fighting for my life". When I lay my head down at night I smile quietly to myself if I think I haven't been a total embarrassment to Christ. On the nights when I know that I have, I hang my head in shame and vow to do better tomorrow. My Christian walk is taken step by step, day by day and none of it is taken lightly. The amount of grace that has poured over me could fill the ocean and the sins that I have been forgiven of would cover the it's floor. I'm a total mess.... If you don't think so, just ask my husband. But my mess is made less by Christ so I can be more in Him. If you're a mess too, I know a place you can go to have a "Mess Reduction".... It won't make you perfect but it will lighten your load.

His Healing Powers Infiltrate My Pores

Like oil from a vase on my head it was poured

It did cover my body from head to the floor

Like hot molten honey fresh from the flame

It infiltrated my being through pores, past the veins

Through the flesh and the fibers to bone it did reach

down to the morrow where sin was so deep

It penetrated my heart and covered my soul

It cleansed every sin my mind could behold

The healing power so strong and so quick

With a tongue like a fire my wounds it did lick

It cleansed me deep with the blood of the cross

All my past sins, to the depths of the seas they were tossed

A crown on my head was set with great care

To signify the sins I'd left there

And tho I'm not worthy to carry a crown

In me some value the King has now found

Judge me you might and my failure repeat

Tho I left them all there at his nail scarred feet

Through your eyes still, fault you may find

But to those, his vision now is blind

New failures I'm sure, I'm certain to make

But more grace from his throne I will thankfully take

And if you look at me through  human sight

I'm certain you'll find, more compromise

But when he looks at me with his eyes alone

It's His righteousness, not mine, in glory is shone.

I'll Take An Upgrade Please

Sunday morning Pastor talked about upgrading your life. After the last couple of months I feel like I have been given an upgrade. Sometimes you don't realize how bad something is until it gets a lot better.... That's how I feel. March is going to be a good month. It looks like spring outside, I feel wonderful and I get to see my daughter. Who could ask for more? In an effort to keep my upgrade, I'm staying away from all negative vibes even if that means I'm wondering around talking to myself. I feel good and I certainly don't want to listen to others spew their bitterness. The other night we were at some friends house playing wii.... I suck at bowling (just sayin). Anyway, the subject turned to a person who, for all practical purposes, isn't in my life much anymore... by choice. The statement was made that I hadn't done anything to cause that relationship to end. In mid-stride (I'm bowling on the wii mind you), I turn around and said, "Oh yes I did. I have been harboring unforgiveness since she slammed the door in my face a few years ago. I didn't feel safe in that relationship and was just looking for an opportunity to get out it". Wow!! I can't believe that just came out of my mouth, but the sad part was it is true. Although I thought I had let it go, I hadn't. Later in the week I was talking to some friends and the subject turned to something that happened to them YEARS ago!!! I promise you... as she began to speak about this event her posture changed, her face changed and the tone of her voice changed. It was like she was spitting bile out on everyone that was standing around and when I walked away I felt.... Yucky, like someone had just vomited on me. I began to think... gosh that's what unforgiveness does. It turns into a green bile called bitterness and oozes out into every other relationship and area of your life. If it doesn't destroy relationships, it certainly limits them. Good Lord I don't want to be like that. People hurt you, they screw up and change your life forever, but do I want to allow them to continue changing my life? Gosh no!!! Like T.D. Jake says "Let It Go"! In my opinion letting it go moves you right up to the front of the line and puts you in position for an upgrade. I'm letting it go with one hand and grabbing for my upgrade with the other. Yes, I'll take that upgrade please.... and make it a double.

Defined By Grace

Having been raised in a very legalistic Christian environment, it's still hard for me, at age 46, to wrap my mind around the grace of a loving God. In my mind I see him keeping track of every misspoken word, every ill conceived desire and every broken commandment on a score card that grows in size every day. My transgressions are written in bold print and the extraordinarily bad deeds are highlighted in florescent yellow. Sometimes the idea of living a victorious life seems like an overwhelmingly impossible task. After all, when you are young those around you are quick to forgive your bad judgment to youth. The older you become the less likely you are to be the recipient of such forgiveness especially from those in the Church. At times it seems that among the more mature sect there is a competition to see who can appear to be the most spiritual. The goal is to be viewed as a mega Christan instead of merely a forgiven Christian. Even though I've been in church all of my life (literally slept under a pew as an infant), I can't seem to grasp the idea that we try to define our spiritual selves by how positive we can talk, how above it all we can come across and frankly how disingenuous we can be. It seems to me that it would be easier just to be...real. How much more effective could we be to those around us if we would just be real? So many Christians define themselves to others by how much time they spend in prayer, how much they give financially or how many spiritual gifts they hold in their possession. I cannot boast of great things. The only thing I can say is... I am a fallen angel. I stands at the foot of the cross desiring, but not deserving grace. I am not interested appearing to have it all together for I do not. I'm not interested in having the most outstanding testimony, because I have yet to overcome. But my one desire is to stand before the cross, broken by sin yet defined by His grace. For me this is as real as it gets.