Walking In the Shade

 

"False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade."
Christian N. Bovee

 A friend on facebook posted this quote the other day. It immediately jumped out at me because I wasn't just in the shade last year, I was completely in the dark. I can honestly say nothing will teach you about being judged, critiqued or deserted like walking in the dark places for a time. You can't really blame others when you take a sharp turn with your personality and actions, but it still stings and makes you realize that most friendship are of the conditional nature. My journey has made me take a step back and take a good look at my judgments toward others. If I can't love in the dark times as well as the light times, what good is my love? If I can't offer companionship during the times of difficulty, why offer it at all? I don't want to be a good times only friend, I want to be a through thick or thin friend. When the seas of life get rough and you lose your way, that's when you need the life vest of a true friend wrapped around you. It really is possible to love someone without agreeing with everything they do. It seems like the position of choice is to stand outside the shaded areas until they wonder back into the light instead of going into the darkness and being a light which points them back to the sun (or should I Son).The other day a good friend (who I take particular pride in harassing) said.... "Yep, the old Jac is back." He had know idea how much that meant to me; it literally brought tears to my eyes. I can't even explain the difficulty of the path back, nor the lessons learned while I was there. Walking in the shade isn't fun, but it is very enlightening. It certainly made me look at things (and people) much differently. 

 "Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light."
Norman B. Rice

 

 

The Sound of Music

Last week on our vacation was the first time in over a year that I had played the piano. I have dusted it, I had polished, but I hadn't played it since my injury. Last week  the piano bar must have broken the ice for me on that desire again. Last year my brain could barely remember my name, much less co-ordinate with my fingers to come up with anything related to music.  I promised my puppies would once again lounge in the living room with me lulling them to sleep. For some reason I always seemed to play while I was waiting. Waiting my for husband to get ready, waiting for him to get home, waiting for someone to pick me up.

Tonight I lay my beloved murder mystery aside and thought, maybe I'd play a song. When he walked in the door from work, I was just finishing a tune. He closed the door behind him as I rose from the piano bench, and he stopped where he was..... "Wow! It's been a long time since I've heard that sound" He said

"Heh, I thought I'd give it a whirl, see how it went."  He just smiled and walked out, but I could tell that little by little.... tiny parts of the person I used to be is still returning.... They're like little fragments of sand washing ashore. Who knows, maybe by this time next year, all of the little pieces of Jac will have returned and he'll have the old me back as a whole, good as new and as ornery too. I know he's missed that part the most.... LOL!!!!

Defined By Grace

Having been raised in a very legalistic Christian environment, it's still hard for me, at age 46, to wrap my mind around the grace of a loving God. In my mind I see him keeping track of every misspoken word, every ill conceived desire and every broken commandment on a score card that grows in size every day. My transgressions are written in bold print and the extraordinarily bad deeds are highlighted in florescent yellow. Sometimes the idea of living a victorious life seems like an overwhelmingly impossible task. After all, when you are young those around you are quick to forgive your bad judgment to youth. The older you become the less likely you are to be the recipient of such forgiveness especially from those in the Church. At times it seems that among the more mature sect there is a competition to see who can appear to be the most spiritual. The goal is to be viewed as a mega Christan instead of merely a forgiven Christian. Even though I've been in church all of my life (literally slept under a pew as an infant), I can't seem to grasp the idea that we try to define our spiritual selves by how positive we can talk, how above it all we can come across and frankly how disingenuous we can be. It seems to me that it would be easier just to be...real. How much more effective could we be to those around us if we would just be real? So many Christians define themselves to others by how much time they spend in prayer, how much they give financially or how many spiritual gifts they hold in their possession. I cannot boast of great things. The only thing I can say is... I am a fallen angel. I stands at the foot of the cross desiring, but not deserving grace. I am not interested appearing to have it all together for I do not. I'm not interested in having the most outstanding testimony, because I have yet to overcome. But my one desire is to stand before the cross, broken by sin yet defined by His grace. For me this is as real as it gets.