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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Spinning Plates/Breaking Glass

A year ago I made a commitment to organize a fairly large event. I've always thought it would be kind of neat to be an event planner..... I could probably get a lot of joy from spending other peoples money. Recently my husband told me how much he dreaded me doing this event. He thought that considering all of my problems this year it would be a little more stress than I really needed. Plus, the idea of Lucille Ball planning a large event (or large for her) has all kinds of implications he'd just rather not think about.
This is the possibilities
He has been waiting for the realization that the event is now here to hit me and for me to have a complete meltdown. So far so good. It's been a busy few months, and this week is going to really be busy as I make sure all of my i's are dotted and my t's are crossed. I have this "Zone" of my own (which, I guess I'm always kinda in a zone of my own) that I go to when I am decorating a room or planning an event. Typically I don't like to have any help, unless it's a silent partner. Not necessarily because I'm a control freak but because I have this whole process I go through mentally which is hard to put into words. So, instead of having helpers standing around yelling.... "What do I need to do, what do I need to do?" (all with the best intentions) I prefer to have someone who is very quiet who just does what I need them to do when I ask them to. I prefer calm, quiet efficient help or either no help at all. Maybe that's my way of keeping myself calm.  I don't know, that's just the way I am.  I tend to be a pretty verbal person, but when I'm decorating or organizing something like a shower or party I totally go to this quiet zone, which even I don't understand (and to be honest I find it hard to explain)..... It's just the way I am. When I'm decorating, I do a lot of doing and undoing until it feels right and I need silence in order to think... So maybe that's what it is, maybe I just need silence to think.  I know that was a bit of a rabbit trail there but I'm thinking as I write and all I can say is "Welcome to my world!" This goes on in my head all the time!!! So this week I have a MILLION things to do. It's end of the month, which means I have some deadlines. It's tax time, which means.... IT'S TAX TIME! Plus I have a few other things on my desk in addition to "The Event". Today as I was working on the event, I would sneak a few daily jobs in  between and it dawned on me that I was way more content with having a MILLION things to do, as opposed to having the same old things to do. I felt like one of those guys that has plates spinning on sticks as he juggles them in the air. I really like that feeling. Maybe I need a certain amount of stress to keep me from getting bored or distracted. I worked for a doctor for 9 years as the office manager, it was a single practice office so I ran the front by myself and 2 nurses ran the back. In the mornings when I got to work I felt like I was strapping myself into a roller coaster that would zig and zag for 8 straight hours before I could unstrap. I really did love my job but after a while it started to take it's toll on me. To be honest with you I have a much more difficult time mono-tasking than I do multi-tasking. So this week I'm spinning plates and if you happen to hear the sound of breaking glass Friday night you will know that maybe I should just stick to my mono-tasking and leave the multi-tasking to multi-talented people. Trust me.... I'll let you know how it all turns out. I'm strapped in and ready to roll.

Monday, November 29, 2010

A Slightly Different Version of Happily Ever After

I had the unique experience of meeting with an old High School friend this week for dinner. She had sent me  Facebook msg telling me she would be in the City on the 26th and would love to have dinner with me. Although we kept in touch for a while after school, eventually we lost touch.  She dated and then married one of my best friends from High School. The relationship wasn't pretty and after 4 children together,  they divorced. Later she found a wonderful man whom she has been married to for 20 years. He seems like a great guy and I couldn't be happier for them. We had not seen each other in well over 20 years, yet we started right where we left off.... Catching up. I swear she remembers things about me that even I had forgotten. The conversation came around to how I wasn't allowed to watch movies, go to ball games, that kind of stuff. I explained what type of church I was raised in and she kind of rolled her eyes and said..... "Oh, so that's why you told your Mom that Raiders of the Lost Ark was a church movie." Honest I just had to stare at her... "I actually said that? I actually told her that?" She laughed and said yeah you did, you said.... "But Mom it's a church movie."  At first it disturbed me that I would lie to my Mom, but after running the movie through my head for a second I realized that it was based on the Ark of the Covenant and there were several mentions to the wrath of God during the movie..... So yeah, it may have been stretching the truth but it wasn't exactly a lie. For 2 1/2 hours we sat and caught up. It was so good to see her and so good to see that as she said, her happily ever after may have turned out different than she envisioned it would at 17, but still it's a good version. It looked to me that she's living her version in typical fairytale fashion.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I Have Everything Under Control!!! Yeah, Right!

She looks so harmless
Oh heaven help me!!! This afternoon I brought the dogs outside to sit on the front porch with me. Sitting on the front porch with my pups is on my list a favorite things to do. I usually sit and read while waiting for my husband to get home from work.... I figure it makes him feel loved to know that the three of us are anxiously awaiting his arrival. Anywho.... He drove up just as we were sitting down so I hadn't actually gotten myself settled. My oldest Son and I were on the steps as my husband ambled up to the house. I usually make the dogs stay on the porch with me, but with so many people on the porch they headed down the steps as I was saying hello to my husband. They were down the street lickity split before I knew what was happening. Then I saw a little girl with her little Corgi, when she saw my Bulldog and massive Mastiff running toward her she dropped her dogs leash. I usually try to stay calm, but seeing a tiny girl and tiny dog kind of freaked me out. I immediately called to Riley (Bulldog) who luckily was just sniffing away. I started toward the dogs, calling their names (everything is in slow m-o-t-i-o-n at this point. I herd Sailor up to the front porch where my husband ushers her into the house and then I start on Riley. Riley is my little Star Wars Bulldog.... Meaning she can turn to the dark side in a New York second. When she was a puppy I realized I needed to get a handle on her because her play could become rough.... Really rough. That's when I started watching and reading the Dog Whisperer. He really is amazing and I in no way think I'm nearly as talented as him, but when I started approaching Riley with a different attitude, she took a much calmer turn. So.... go with me here. I'm trying to grab Riley, the little girl has no clue she and her dog could turn into lunch at any second and my lovely men are both watching Lucille Ball stumble around the front yard trying to protect the universe. I finally get Riley going in the right direction, all they while trying to answer the little girl's endless questions like.... "Which one are you calling Riley?"..... "That should be easy for me to remember because that's my name?".... I put my best "I'm a real kid kind of person" smile on and answer all of little girl Riley's questions while Bulldog Riley and Corgi dog run circles around my feet. When Bulldog Riley heads for the house, little girl Riley calls her dog to come back to her. Finally I turn around and ask little girl Riley to please just leave your dog alone until I get my big dog (that could eat both of you for lunch) put up. I grab for Bulldog Riley around the belly and try, try, try, with all of my might to carry her to the house, but she is like trying to mud wrestle a greased pig!! There are just no wrinkles or extra skin to hang onto.... no handles at all and she just slips right out of my hands. For the few seconds I held her the little Corgi dog got to sniff her butt which really pissed her off and over to the dark side we both go. As she slips between my fingers I fall on my knees and frantically try to put all my weight on her so she can't get away. My Son runs over to me and says "Do you want me to pick her up for you?" Oh My Freakin Gosh!!!! You think? I guess he saw my eyeballs starting to bulge the way they do when I too have crossed over to the dark side and he says as he picks Bulldog Riley up "What's wrong Mom?" Through clinched teeth I say "Because I'm out here wrestling the dogs while you and your Dad watch from the porch!!!!!""" Everybody lived through the whole ordeal and little girl Riley headed for home with her Corgi intact. I immediately come in the house and start cleaning because that's what I do when I'm really pissed off. After I had simmered down my husband came up to give me a little hug (completely clueless!) I ask him..... "At exactly what point in the whole dog rampage ordeal where you going to get off of the porch and help me out?" Just curious how far he would have allowed it to go.... I mean, was he waiting for blood, maybe some guts? He just grinned the sweetest (clueless) grin and said, " You looked really good out there."...... "What?" "Well it looked like you had everything under control in your calm, assertive way you like to do things." to which I informed him "There was nothing calm or assertive about that!" Well it looked to me like you had everything under control." He just hugged me and patted me, till I laughed! Seriously I'm sprawled out on the sidewalk, a little girl is peppering me with questions, a Corgi wants to play sniff Riley's butt, and Riley is going ape, I scrapped my knee and had wrestled until I couldn't get a full breath and that's his idea of control????? Needless to say, he had no intention of being my knight in shining armor.... He would just rather sit on the porch and watch the show.... In living color! Even though I'm pretty sure I looked ridiculous out there, he thought I looked good so I guess I shall allow him to live another day.

Friday, November 26, 2010

To Be Loved By You - Wynonna Judd

Love that's worth fighting for
That's what this is
And how,how I could I want more
Then the warmth of your kiss?
No matter how many miles and dreams
Come between us now
In each step I take with each prayer I make
This love will live somehow

Let the mountains rise I will climb them all
When my body's weak I will not fall
Baby,come what may an I'll find a way to get through
There's nothing that I won't do to loved by you

There will be lonely nights when you'll whisper my name
Know on those lonely nights
I'll be doing the same
Should every star in the sky go out
Just keep your faith alive
We were meant to be this is destiny
It cannot be denied

Let the mountain rise I will climb them all
When my body's weak I will not fall
Baby,come what may and I'll find a way to get through
There's nothing that I won't do to be loved by you

And even when we're worlds apart
Just keep this promise in your heart

Let the mountain rise I will climb them all
When my body 's weak I will not fall
Baby,come what may and I'll find a way to get through
There's nothing that I won't do (Nothing that I won't do)
There's nothing that I won't do (Nothing that I won't do)
There's nothing that I won't do to be loved by you

Outta the Rabbit Hole and Into the Light

"I forget what is behind me and reach out to what is ahead of me.
 Like a man running a race, I try hard to reach the line so that I will receive the prize. Because we belong to Christ Jesus, God is calling us to receive this prize that he has for us in heaven."

And so it begins....
     I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person! Not only do I feel each and every emotion, I feel them with an intensity that quiet frankly should be outlawed. Oh how I wish for a numbness to sweep over me so that emotions are just vague and understated. For the last 10 months and 26 days my emotions have been in hyper drive mode (in addition to my normal hyper drive personality). The doctors tell me it is normal but I assure you it does not feel normal. Today I have determined to not let my emotions rule me any longer. Yes, I may still be in healing mode and yes, there may be times when I can feel the fabric of my mind fusing together with hot iron intensity, but it is getting better and better it will be today!!!! Somewhere deep inside is the old me and I am determined to find her and bring her back. Some say it is out of my control but they dont' know how determined I am to feel like myself again. Who knew that a rabbit hole would cause so much inward pain while leaving the outside unscathed (typed as tears run down my cheeks)? I've tried hiding, it doesn't work. I've tried pretending (I'm really no good at it), I've tried medicating (take two pills and call me in the morning), the morning always comes (lather, rinse, repeat). So my new strategy (or is it strategery, LOL) is to forget (I've been really good at that the last few months), and reach out. Run the race like it's nobody's business, and make like a rabbit and jump out of the hole instead of crawling farther into the hole. Outta the rabbit hole and into the light.... Let's see how Alice does with that.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Renewed, Refreshed and Restored... Hope for Tomorrow

Of course I took a picture of the only dog there!

I sit here at the City Rescue Mission waiting for my Son to tie up loose ends. My feet ache, my back hurts and my head is pounding... I feel great!!! We just finished serving and cleaning up after feeding roughly 700 people, most of whom are homeless. This is the second year that we have volunteered at the Mission and these last two years have been the best Thanksgivings I can remember. Life has a way of pulling you into your own world which is full of your own problems. When you come to a place like this, that  world suddenly shrinks to a tiny speck in the universe. Your own problems seem like a blip on the radar screen as you see others who truly have problems, needs and sadly very little hope. Step inside a homeless shelter and it doesn't take long to realize it's not all about you. A banner hangs over the entrance that says "God is close to the broken hearted and he rescues those whose spirit is crushed". Those words don't speak just to the homeless and addicted, they speak to everyone of us who
have ever felt brokenhearted or whose spirit has ever been crushed. I am blessed beyond measure, but I'll admit to having felt broken and crushed quiet often this last year. I'm may not be homeless, but I have felt tossed aside and undesired. When I look at these people I realize that I am not broken (at least not completely) and regardless of how I may feel at times, I have not been completely crushed. As far as being tossed aside and undesired, maybe by others, but never by my Lord. We were thanked before the dinner by the director of the Mission for giving up our comfortable Thanksgiving to serve others. He said the sight of so many willing to do so, gave the people who came something they had very little of..... Hope.  Having spent the day in such humble surroundings, I felt renewed, refreshed and yes..... Restored. It's
My Son the Volunteer Coordinator is a
much better person that I will ever be.

my prayer that those I came in contact with today will also feel renewed, refreshed,  and restored. But most of all I pray that they will see a glimmer of hope, that they will see the broken pieces of their hearts put back together again and their spirits will be lifted to new heights. I  firmly believe that many I served today will stand beside me next year to serve others instead of being served. They will see God restore to them their dignity and hope just like he has done for so many of us.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Pink Gloved Burly Streak.... The Fighter in Me

Fight Night Club

Typically I'm a pretty mellow (well somewhat mellow) person. I love pretty things, love to shop, have occasionally been known to fish, been hunting a time or two (totally mind boggling experience). I love romantic comedies, get a kick out of playing in the ocean (might even be a tad higher on the list than shoe shopping), could sit by a mountain stream for hours on end and never get bored. I'm a girlie girl who loves being a woman but I've recently found I have a dark side. A friend of mine invited us over to watch UFC. My first response was that I really didn't like fighting, it made me nervous, but she assured me that I would really enjoy this. So I decided what the heck, join the fun, get in there and do something different, so we went. It didn't take me long to realize that I was mesmerized by it and became totally entranced during the fight. In fact I've been known to, hmm kind of act out a little during the fight. I'm not sure why, but when the fight starts everything else fades to the background and it's just me and those burly men in the octagon together..... fighting for that belt. Seriously, it's just us!!!! I've also discovered that it's best when I wear my pink boxing gloves because that keeps me from chewing my nails off. I have come to love fight nights, but there is just one problem.... No one wants to sit next to me during the fight. I have had people get up and move (in fact I think my husband has done that). If they don't move, then they crouch in the corner of the couch like they are being attacked by a rabid bear. Why? Because when the fighters punch, I punch.... It's just a natural reaction and according to my husband I grunt and make other manly noises as if I were the one actually fighting. I do know that when the fights are over, I'm exhausted and am ready for bed! I guess I'm a little like a diamond, LOL! I have a lot of different facets and apparently one of them is has a bit of a burly streak.... A pink gloved burly streak.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Good to the Last Drop

This morning at 4 a.m. I said goodbye to my two oldest kids. After an early Thanksgiving weekend, they were headed back to their individual lives. My Daughter back to San Diego to her military life, my son back to OKC where he will be a busy little bee the next few days organizing the Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless at the City Rescue Mission. We had a wonderful weekend together as a family. We visited

with friends, they caught up with old friends, we posed for family photos, played board games, put puzzles together and feasted on fried turkey and sweet potato pie. It just doesn't get much better than that. It was ointment to a Mom's sore heart to see her three kids laughing and playing together. There is such an age gap between the two oldest and the youngest that he has pretty much been an only child. Mom and Dad aren't nearly as funny and Sissy and Bubba and it's good to see
him actually come out of his shell a little and laugh and giggle. My Daughter misses our pets terribly. She got plenty of puppy lovin while she was home and even the dogs thought the weekend was good to the last drop!!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

GPS and Wings

I love my boys!!! They make me laugh, they make me smile and they understand the whole importance of "Fight Night"..... They just make me happy. But I'm just going to be honest and put this out there, I don't think they would enjoy going to get a pedicure with me, or shoot the breeze in a beauty shop for a couple of hours. I've missed having my girl around to do girl things with. I've missed her swiping my shoes, missed sharing our beauty tools and missed our girl talks.She is home for a few days and today we girled it up at with pedicures, hair-dos and browsing through shops. She may not understand Fight Night, but she understands being a woman and all that goes with it. It's good to have all of my chicks back in the nest (at least till Tuesday). All feels right with the world and the gaping hole that's been in my heart since they left will be filled.... at least for a few days. I really am happy they have wings because that gets them back home at least once in a while, plus that GPS I sewed into their hearts when they were young keeps them on the right path.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sudden Sadness

I have moments in the day, when if I could I would tuck away, and shed some tears just because, for all that is and all that was. Shadows long tender gone, their memory now linger on. The tears can wash the dreams away, for all I wish but cannot say and cleanse the ashes that cloud my eyes and keep the promise crowned with pride. Just seconds when my heart does ache and sadness sweeps my mind away with things of precious few untold the seconds I'll forever hold. There is no place for which to hide where eyes
of sadness then are dried, and yet for that which lingers still in darkened corners not revealed. So hide the tears and shed them not for things I mourn and cannot stop and look again to brighter days when clear the eyes of tear stained haze. 


Surround my heart with stone of three
Forever entwined in memory
Forever recounted in dreams and songs
A space in time where I belonged
As the moon shines full on nights so sweet
When the road curves tight with endless heat
When passion flares and stars burn bright
The mystery unfolds before your eyes
The wonder of visions long forgot
The one you have, the one you have not
Rewind the time, retell the told
When the captive one then sold her soul

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I Did Not Break That Plane!!!!

For years I have joked that I've  seen my ship come in just over the horizon, only to see it sink before it got to port. So close, yet just out of reach. I have to tell you that skydiving proved to be no different. After much anticipation we arrive at the airport, ready and willing to get it done. We had a chance to see
some people land and after all of the waivers were signed, fees were paid and prayers were said we were up, up, and away.... But not far away. We took off in the little bitty plane, 6 of us packed in like sardines with yours truly right next to the door. As we begin to ascend and circle the airport, the plane made apparently a funny noise (I was busy giggling) and my instructor turned around and said..... "We're going down!" First of all, that is not the words you ever want to hear when you are in a plane, second of all it's never comforting when you see someone who does this every day, several times a day, cock their head and ask "What's that noise?" as the plane trembles and shakes. It's also not comforting to suddenly smell smoke as soon as you hear
the words "We're going down." Thirdly (and certainly just as important) he was the one with the parachute, not me and we hadn't been hooked up yet. Luckily his statement wasn't "We're going down" as in "We're going to crash", but rather, we're going to have to land, there is something wrong. That makes ALL the difference in the world. The first thing I thought was "Crap! They are going to think I chickened out when they see us land." The second thing I thought is.... "I am so going to get blamed for breaking this plane!" Hey, it's happened before. So they landed the broken plane and tell us to go to lunch and come back in 45 minutes to see if it had been fixed. We did.... They didn't, so after waiting around for a while we got a refund and headed back home (2.5 hr drive). We plan to reschedule sooner
rather than later, but still, the disappointment was huge. The good news is no paramedics were needed, just mechanics and my toes (and limbs) are still in good condition. I mentioned before that anything could happen and usually does where I'm concerned, but I'm not necessarily looking at that as a bad thing, just a normal thing

Freedom of Fear?

It's 2:20 a.m., suddenly 10,000 feet in the air seems like a long ways to jump from a plane. Most of my life has been lived within the confines of very rigid boundaries.  One step outside those boundaries and you would certainly pay. Why, after 47 years I have the overwhelming desire to spread my wings and fly, when it has always been discouraged by two of the most influential people in my life. The threat of facing certain death and destruction if I didn't remain within the bounds, still to this day echo in the back of my brain.... Well and quiet honest in the forefront as well, "Don't go there, you'll have a wreck and kill them all." haunting words from my Mother. "Seriously Mom, I'm just driving across town for a perm?"..... "Well", she says, "If the two of you get killed her family will sue us for everything we have." .... Those kinds of conversations don't exactly boost a child self esteem to the highest levels. Just last year when leaving for a ski trip these parting words were whispered in my ear "You be careful, I don't feel good about you going o this trip and your Dad feels the same way. People get killed skiing." Those words alone were probably the reason that I am known as the slowest, most terrified skier on the slopes. I have always believed that Mom had a direct line to God and sometimes I thought that maybe he showed himself to her in the flesh, her predictions were so horrifying. So even though my husband tries, words of encouragement from him in the present aren't exactly the words I hear in the late night when every one's asleep. So I'm going to finish my Popsicles dipped in sugar (don't even ask), going to read a minute, then try drift back to sleep so that I will feel refreshed when I step to the edge of that plane tomorrow..... Hopefully without the words "You'll kill them all" somewhere far far away and hopefully the only thing I'll hear is massive amounts of giggling coming from my belly as I take a jump for freedom of fear!!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Always Be Prepared!!!

I wish my feet were this cute!

This time tomorrow (hopefully), I'll have a nice pretty check mark next to skydiving on my bucket list. Personally, I think the odds that I will actually do it are pretty good, considering the fact that I'm extremely experienced at free falling for several feet without a parachute, any training, or intentionally doing so. Therefore, it just goes to reason that I should be even better at falling intentionally from a plane with a parachute. Right? Granted, there are doubters out there who think that I'll make like a big fat chicken and back track all the way home, but I'm pretty determined not to give them that satisfaction. The most hurtful thing is that they are judging my skydiving ability off of my snow skiing ability and that's just..... Well that's just wrong. The fact that someone would laugh so hard at just the thought, that they actually had to sit down.... Well, that's just wrong too. I know anything can happen (and usually does with me), but I'm expecting this to be a positive experience. Even with my ubber positive outlook, I've decided to go ahead and prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I plan on NOT wearing my favorite pair of jeans, or any other items of clothing that I don't want cut off of me (been there, done that).Most importantly, I spent my lunch hour lounging in the spa chair at the local pedicure place. I got my toes painted a pretty pink because nothing would be more embarrassing than ending up in the hospital with a broken leg and toes that haven't been properly maintained. Yes, I believe in the whole boy scout motto.... Be prepared, so sister I am!!!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Salute To All of the American Hero's

It was a hot summer day in Oklahoma!!! My daughter and I sat in the front yard under a shade tree praying for a cool breeze. My lawn was filled with clothes, stuffed animals, odds and ends of a young single woman's life. In a few weeks my daughter would be leaving home... again. After 2 years of college, and one year of grappling with with what she wanted to do with her life, she had made a decision. Late one night as we chatted in the living room she asked.... "What would you think about me joining the Navy?" The question hit me in the gut like a pile of bricks, but I never blinked an eye. My little blond haired, blue-eyed, girlie girl wanted to join the Navy. When she moved out of her apartment she hauled all of her belongings home and began sorting what would be kept and what would be sold. Nearly everything she owned was put in the yard sale and a few precious childhood mementos were tucked into totes and stored in the basement. It all seemed so final... Because it was. A few days after she left for boot camp my husband arrived home to a package addressed to us. Inside the box we found all of the clothes she had worn when she left, her wallet, everything. She was officially owned, lock, stock and barrel by the US Military. Looking into that box was like looking into a casket. The person she once was, would be forever buried beneath obligations, duties, discipline, and a love for her country. Not a bad thing, but simply a difficult thing for a parent to grasp. She has been in the Navy now for over 6 years.I have watched as she struggled to develop close friendships only to see those friends move away. I've listened to the fatigue in her voice from getting little to no sleep at all. I've sat at home and prayed when I knew she was sailing in dangerous waters, during dangerous times. Time and again I've thought of the day we sat out front as one by one all of her earthy possessions were sold.She has seen things and done things that she never dreamed she would see and do. She has been fortunate not to have been in the heat of the battles going on around the world, but ever present, is the awareness that at any second of any day that could change. We take so much for granted here in the US. If we really had a clue how fortunate we are, we would live our lives in a completely different way. This spring when she returned to the US from deployment we were able to spend some time with her. One afternoon while in San Diego, we visited a veterans memorial. While looking at the pictures and reading the stories she said something I will never forget....

"You know Mom I've always wondered what would drive a person to the point that they would be willing to lay down their life for their country; It's something I never understood. After being to all of the different places I've been, and seeing all of the things I've seen, I can say that I totally get it now. We live in the greatest nation on earth and it's absolutely worth laying down your life for."

In that moment I knew for a fact that my daughter had was no longer the person she used to be... She was officially an American Hero! Today while your going about your daily business, getting your latte, sorting your mail... Take a minute to say a prayer for those who make it possible for you to go about your business. Say a prayer for those who have sacrificed their lives of comfort and ease to keep us safe. Say a prayer of thanks for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for your freedom. We are a nation with freedoms, but those freedoms DO NOT come free!!!
Yes, Hero's do ride elephants!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

As a woman, I like to joke around about my husband. Men are funny, the way they look at things, the clues they funny. It's humorous watching my man try to figure me out. After 29 years in December he still hasn't given up. I'd like to think I make it easy for him since I'm a pretty verbal person. I don't keep things to myself when maybe I should. I'm ready and willing to express my feelings and thoughts at any given moment (not in a bad way) and if you need any clarification I'll be happy to provide that too. I like to 
think that I'm an open book. The fact is my book tends to read like and Edgar Allan Poe novel.... A tad of unraveling still to do and not something just everyone enjoys reading. I feel like I have him figured out, but I'm sure I'm missing a few clues as well. But seriously he is the sweetest guy a girl could have and here are just a couple of reasons why. He has Mondays off, so he is home alone all day. Monday he emailed me and wanted to know how to clean the oven. No kidding!!! Out of the blue he wants to know how to clean the oven. Now that is sweet! Last night he knew my back was killing me and so he emailed me to tell me he thought I should go home and take a hot bubble bath, then sit in the massage chair while he got dinner. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I don't give him nearly the amount of credit he deserves.... Especially given how he has cared for me and worried 
over me the last 11 months. So here's to you honey... Just giving credit where credit is due. I love you and I appreciate the great guy you are.

Monday, November 8, 2010


too sweet to be forgotten
to painful to be rewound
salt rubbed in a wound
ripples in a pond
poured from an aching destiny
that reached too far beyond
limits set before our time
horizon unto dawn
now hold to us the chains that bind
restrain all our desires
restricts the passion far beneath
the surface of our smile
and guides us past the boundaries
brings relief in lieu
The hardship meant to torment us
For all we say and do

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Whispers of Love

It floats upon the breeze
Like a feather in the wind
It sings the sweetest song
It fills my heart again
A whisper quiet spoken
A look, a gentle sigh
Speak volumes to the emptiness
Felt so deep inside
Abundance of sweet caresses
Memories of kisses dear
Forever my heart has treasured
The one who wiped my tears

No Buttons To Push

Have you ever felt like your head was going to pop off and just explode into a million pieces? I feel like that sometimes, not often but every now and then... Usually when I can't get something to work like I think it should. I have a bad habit of bringing out the big guns when I feel like that and things usually end up in much worse shape then when I started working on them. Today I received my replacement phone for the one that I flipped out of my sports bra and shattered the screen. I was very emotionally attached to my phone and it to me. I had my kindle downloaded onto it which contained about a million books. I could text like a wiz, even when driving (although that was done for strict emergencies such as possible homicide alerts... Long story). When I placed my claim online they said they had no pretty purple Blackberry Curves in stock and they were replacing my phone with a Blackberry Storm (which is a touch screen). Immediately my heart began to palpitate because I was pretty attached to my phone... We had bonded. I knew I was going to have to go through the whole "getting to know your phone" thing... AGAIN! I held it together because I had no other options then to purchase a new phone which given the whole Dave Ramsey budget envelope diabolical and considering how frugal I am (LOL) I just didn't want to spend the money on a new phone. I think I should be given some credit here because they also said they were sending me, not a pretty purple phone, but the standard black phone. Hey!! Color matters! So I get my new phone and proceed trying to learn it. Hate, hate, hate, the touch keypad!!! I don't want to touch anything I want to push buttons... It helps me when I'm driving. How the heck am I suppose to know what letter I'm typing if I can't feel where I am on the keyboard? Geeze!!! Then there was the whole transferring contacts issue which just made my blood pressure go up and my brain hurt. At five o'clock I rushed to the Verizon store fully expecting to see the scrawny guy who gave me attitude when I tried to fix my tracking ball with a sledge hammer. Seriously? You wanna give a woman with a sledge hammer attitude? I was pleasantly surprised to see a cute little blue eyed girl behind the counter just waiting to assist me. When she asked if she could help me, tears welled up in my eyes and I said please, please, please. I explained that I needed everything transferred over to my new phone and blah, blah, blah. She smiled, took my phones, disappeared for about 30 minutes and TADA, new phone working, contacts in place. I seriously wanted to hurdle the counter and give her a big hug but I felt that might be a little inappropriate and slightly obvious. So I thanked her graciously and headed home. I had already warned my husband that I would be intently trying to master my phone that evening so he didn't have any great expectations of chitchat or canoodling. I'm working on getting the kindle downloaded and my books moved over but I think it's something I can handle. The keyboard touch thing is getting on my nerves due to the fact that I'm more of a button pusher instead of a toucher (yeah, toucher isn't exactly a word but I just made it one),but with a little practice I think I'll get used to it. I don't mind embracing change except when it slows me down. So if you text me and I don't reply or I say something really weird, or weirder than usual, I'm blaming it on the touch screen. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


The urgency rises and against all constraint begins to take control. No rhyme or reason, no logic, wisdom or wit can contain the yearning to be more. More than what I was, more than who I am, more than what I've become. Bewilderment occupies my imagination, an intricate maze of emotion encapsulates my heart. Distracted by
the burning, enraptured with the joy of endless possibilities to fill the eternal void. No amount of vision, nor deliberate amount of intent, can prepare the heart for abandoned direction at a time when strength is spent. Yet the standard must be followed, the road must not be bent, to accomodate desire of carnal nature in the lives of upright kin. At one with he who chastens, the careless mislead lone. He reckons moral transgression, with tender love and care. He rectifies the ruin, of shattered self esteem, and restores to me the confidence of one who is redeemed.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


A window into rapture
A limited place in time
With prisms of living color
a dream of the sublime
A glimpse of the forbidden
A taste of the divine
A wish for the unthinkable
In a different point and tide
Held for just a fragment
Cherished not a few
Adored beyond measure
The mourning of something new
The window closes gently
The  spell once cast subsides
Return again the common
Regrets not mine to hide
The morning brings reality
No passion in the soul
Routine shall be the passage
Till  another dream unfolds

Zumba Class From Hell

There comes a time in life when things just don't move quiet like they used to. Nothing will bring that home more than a Zumba class at the end of a long day. I'm not sure why I put myself through this whole workout thing, I guess it's because I'm fighting aging as long as I can and I'm determined not to go out without a fight (and a cute pair of heels). So a friend invited me to join her for Zumba class kinda like you would invite a friend to a tubberwear party back in the day. She was real causal about it, no big deal just meet me there at 5:30. I probably should have said no since I'm pretty sure I broke my ovary golfing this weekend, that should tell you what kind of shape I'm in. I wasn't born yesterday, I've done these things but it's kind of like childbirth. After the birth of your first child, with time you forget the pain of labor, you get pregnant again and then with the first contraction it all comes rushing back to you and by then it's too late to do anything about it! I remember when I went in labor with baby #2, I thought to myself "Oh right, it feels just like the movie Alien looks when the queen rips Bishop in half. His upper torso sputters on the floor of the mother ship oozing white goo." Super great idea!!!! Of course at 5:30 in the evening the class is packed with other morons fighting age tooth and toenail so at least you aren't alone. When the cute little instructor began to gyrated and shimmied her hips, I knew I was in for a long ride. Shortly after the gyrating began, I began to suck air. Actually the class wasn't too bad. I claim my spot on the back row and just do the best I can do. The class might even be enjoyable if it wasn't for the dang mirrors. The front of the room and side walls are ceiling to floor mirrors, and although I may not have a great mental image of myself, I pray to God it's not nearly as bad as those mirrors make it look. The class is a good way to learn to multitask.Focus on the instructor's feet, listen for her commands, revert your eyes from the mirrors, concentrate on not stepping on the person on either side of you and ignore the people gawking at the window. Then pray, pray, pray there is no one  you know there to see you. It's a small town and the description of me in Zumba class might rate right up there on the embarrassing meter as me being hypnotized and thinking I was Jennifer Aniston. It's just not something that the general public should have to see, or even imagine.Wednesday I'll be there again, ready to Zumba and hopefully the more I gyrate the better I'll get. Hey!! Don't give me that look.... It could happen.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Have You Ever Needed A Tee?

I had the pleasure of going golfing this weekend with some wonderful friends who I have missed greatly. Life has a way of diverting our paths occasionally from those we love and often take for granted. We had a beautiful day of golfing and fellowship. I bet I wished... Oh about 18 times that I could tee my ball up when it was in the rough. I would have done it too, if it hadn't been for those dang golfing rules and the abundance of cellphone photography these days. When I got home and was relaxing in my bubble bath, I began thinking about my golfing and why I need a tee when I'm in the rough. Basically golf is a lot like life. Sometimes you just find yourself in a place you didn't aim to be. How many times have I looked toward the green only to find my pretty metallic pink golf ball flying toward the woods, or find myself knee deep in a poison ivy meadow before I realized where I was? That's exactly like life. I'm striving, striving, striving... Oh heck!!! How did I end up here? What I could use at a time like that is a nice solid tee to lift me up above the fray... Or better yet a compassionate should on which to cry. I know, life is rough and sometimes when someone comes to cry on my shoulder I wanna tell them to put their big girl panties on and deal with it. I mean we are all going through our own stuff, right? It's hard not to get in the mind set that "It's all about me." But I reach out to lift someone else up an amazing thing happens to me.... My problems seems to fade a little. This weekend I saw a friends face light up like a Christmas tree when she was told how admired she was. I had a friend a while back sigh with relief when I told her how well she sang at church. It's amazing how something as simple as telling someone how much you have missed them can turn their day around. It's just like a tee when you're in the rough, a compliment or word of encouragement can give you just enough boost to get you back on the fairway of life if not on the green. You never know the impact your words of genuine praise can have on a persons game.