I went to a "Wine and Palette" last week with a couple of co-workers. It was a new experience for them and we had a blast. When the instructor was walking around helping individuals, I commented to my friend... "Is it totally weird that at our age I'm still wishing the instructor would walk by and offer words of affirmation?" One would think that we would outgrow our need for the approval of others. I am living proof that we never do. Towards the end of 2014, my self-esteem took a couple of major hits. The loved ones most dear to us, our "safe people" often deliver the deadliest blows to our self-esteem. Sometimes the events are unintentional, but unfortunately that doesn't make them any less painful. I'm a person who has a need for all of the dots to connect in an understandable manner. If someone is snippy or hurtful to me, I need to know why. I will spend endless sleepless nights replaying my behavior to try to understand how we got from where we were, to where we're at. I will truly beat myself up trying to understand what I've done to cause someone to treat me badly. I'm sure this is where vain Imaginations run amuck. Let me just say I do realize not everything is about me, that doesn't stop me from loading my plate with undeserved guilt. I am very aware that everyone is going through something and sometimes their loved ones get blow back of their stress. That doesn't make it hurt less. So for a few months now, I've grieved over these wounds, I've played them out in my head a million times and I have tried to make things make sense and have come up with nothing except to feel like I'm trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. Of course I've over thought things and have nothing to show for it except a lot of self doubt. I had come to the place where I was laying it down, letting go, because I can't fix something when I have no idea how it became broken. I'm not one who requires a lot of fuss to be made about them. I don't need constant pats on the back, but it's nice once in a while to be on the receiving end of words of affirmation. Other than my husband, no one knows the situations I've struggled with or the pain they've caused. Then today, out of the blue, a precious gift was handed to me that is priceless beyond words. It was a simple statement that my broken heart was in much need of. The person extending the words of affirmation had no idea that her kind words spoken so genuinely was a healing balm to my aching soul. I was rendered speechless (imagine that). In seconds, she restored to me something that had been chiseled away bit by bit. It was a beautiful example of the worth of a kind statement spoken from the heart. Words and behavior have a much greater impact than we know, and it reminded me that to be an effective example of Christ, I must live deliberate with a goal to do no harm. You know who you are, and you know the words you spoke, but you can never understand how much I needed to hear them today. You my friend are a blessing.
On my way to work this morning, tears were running down my cheeks. It wasn't that I hated coming to work, it was I was dreading my birthday tomorrow. Birthdays just aren't the same without the one who gave you birth. Every my mom would tell me my birth story. It just seems like birthdays are a celebration you should be having with your mom. I hate it when I'm weepy at work. The last time that happened, I scared the poor Fed-Ex guy away for good. He had the misfortune of asking us how happy we were to be working the day after New Year's..... I had been quiet all morning until he asked how my day was going and gosh darn it if the dam didn't break with a flood that I could not get back under control. I do not want to have another one of those days since I sit in an office with no walls. You know the saying.... "Cry and the whole world cries with you?" It should be "Cry and make the whole office awkward". Missing my mom today will probably make working dry and tearless almost impossible because birthdays aren't the same without your mom.