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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Something More

Sunday evening I sat in the pew at church cradled underneath my husband's arm just like always.We've had a difficult year and he has been a most patient man. One of the girls from our youth group began to sing a song recorded by Kristy Starling entitled "Something More". The song was written by Tyler Hayes Bieck and Trina Harmon. Have you ever heard a song that mirrored your feelings? It was the first time I had heard the song and I was so swept away with emotion I didn't catch half the lyrics so I looked them up later and found the youtube video linked above. In the last few months I can't tell you how much I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've failed God, my family, my parents, pretty much everyone. But also in the last year, there have been many days that I feel like I've been failed? I was raised under a pew... I'm the daughter of a deacon... I know the correct response to those  feelings, I know what I'm suppose to do on those days when feelings of failure cloud every word God has ever spoken to me. I'm suppose to remind myself that I am blessed, I am loved by God.... I am his child and He is "The Great I Am". I know that. I know what I'm suppose to do. But what am I suppose to do on the days I don't feel it? What am I suppose to do when... "I can't trust because it hurts too much"? Like the song says.... "I close my eyes, cause inside my heart I believe, that I'm not alone." I know I have fallen,over and over again. falling is the easy part of life, it's getting up from that fallen position that's difficult... Sometimes it's like swimming from the ocean floor looking for a breath of air. At least that's what it feels like for me. As I swim for the surface, I have to believe there is beauty here on the ocean floor and that my time down here will bring me to a place, where there truly is..... "Something More"

This Old House, It's Just The Beginning

My husband and I have always loved old houses..... More so several years ago before we owned one. LOL! Not really, we still love old houses, love their character, love the stories behind them. Someone told me once that I should write about some of our old house adventures, so I guess I will. A few months after my youngest was born, we were.... of all things, at a Tupperware party (seems safe enough... right?). Some friends of ours had been looking for a home and had looked at one that we always called The Castle House because of the tall eaves and just the shape of the house. Since we were newly married, it had been on our regular nightly walking route. One evening when we were walking by we saw an old lady walking into the house. My husband whispered "We should ask her if we could see inside." Our friends were telling of looking at the house and said "Oh you guys should just go by and look at it, you would love it." We enjoyed the house we were living in, had done a lot to it, and had just had baby # 3.  Needless to say we weren't in the house market. We were however, always game for an   up close and personal look at any old house we could get into. So, one rainy Sunday afternoon we called up the realtor and asked if it were possible for us to take a look. Sure... Not a problem. When we got to the house, the realtor got out of the car and introduced herself. She explained that the realtor we had spoken to was unable to make the appointment and she had requested someone else show us the house. Come to find out, the appointment had been passed on to every realtor in the agency until it landed in the lap of this rookie, who they decided wouldn't mind going out on a inconvenient call. Mrs. Black had just gotten her real estate license and jumped at the opportunity to make a sale.  We were starting to feel a little guilty because we both knew we were there just out of curiosity, so we decided to fess up. Our confession didn't faze her at all. As she opened the front door she explained to us that the house had been on the market for over a year, and although there hadn't been any nibbles, it was the most frequently shown house in our town due to it's unique architecture and age. She added that the other realitors were tired of wasting their time on the curious, that's why they passed it on to her. To say that it was love at first sight would be an understatement. We took one step over the threshold and felt like we had stepped back in time. Unlike many homes built in the 1920's, this one had been untouched with inappropiate updates... In fact for the most part there had been no updates at all. The fireplace mantal was built of rock and of all things.... it had two round turrets on each side, each with little window panes which allowed the light from within the hollow towers to glow.... Just like a real castle. Beneath the golden carpet lay the original oak floor with mahogony inlays. The original mahogony molding had remained untouched as did the 1920 light fixtures. It goes without saying that it was in need of some work. We thanked Mrs. Black profusely, got in our car and drove to our comfy little cottage. Little did we know, our living arrangements were about to take a drastic change.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Facebook.... The Next Best Thing To Being There

When I was a little kid, telephones were the way people kept in touch. AT&T had a teary eyed commercial with people sharing life changing moments via the telephone... The commercial said "AT&T... The next best thing to being there." Gosh, that is so old school by the standards of today's technology. My daughter is participating in RIMPAC 2010. Her busy schedule aboard the USS Sampson DDG102 keeps us from getting to talk to her. We are happy to receive an occasional email, but even they have been few and far between. Thankfully, the Navy keeps us updated daily on the exercises as well as providing outstanding pictures. They do this with a Facebook page. Every morning we can click on RIMPAC 2010 Facebook page and see beautiful pictures of our military at work. Just being able to see pictures of her ship and others out there on the big blue ocean makes this Momma feel a lot more connected. My motto now is... Facebook, The next best thing to being there.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Red Ant

I'm assuming every family has one.... The one who connects all of the others, the one whom the family revolves around and I don't mean that in a bad way. I remember summers at her house, Christmas around her tree and family dinners where there were more family than room. I call her "Red Ant" because like Mohommad Ali she could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee except she was just a little bitty thing. I hated the way she used to wake us up when we spent the night at her house. Sleeping late was for lazy bones and even if it were summer that was no excuse just to lay around sleeping your life away. She would bound into our darkened room, clapping her hands and in the most annoying high pitched tone she could muster up sing "Rise and Shine, rise and Shine" while throwing open the curtains and allowing the blazing sun to accost our sleepy eyes. She took great delight in this little ritual simply because she knew it made us dread the morning and I'm pretty sure that by todays standards it would be considered just a few hand claps shy of child abuse. Then she would sweetly asked if we would care for some chocholate gravey and bisquets for breakfast, which would immediately irradicate any ill feelings we harbored about her rude awakening.  She calls me "Little Jackie LouLou"  and her house was a like a second home to me even though we lived 2 hours away. Being at Red Aunt's house was just how things were suppose to be. The family would stay up late telling family tales. My cousin and I would sit quietly and listen even if the stories had been told a thousand times. She would wait until every one was tucked soundly in bed (even if that meant she waited until 3 a.m.) before she whipped out the vacuum and began to clean.... leaving little triangles on the living room carpet to be found first thing in the morning. I loved to pester her then, I love to pester her now.... In fact I love to shock her prudishness with slightly off colored remarks just to see her pale skin blush and watch her mouth fly open as she says "Aww, now LouLou!" Even to this day I'm pretty sure she hasn't quiet figured me out. I'm not sure she  ever really appreciated the drum beat to which I tend to walk to and I think she was always suspicious that I was more of a wild child than I really was.... I don't mind letting her think that. She lives on a country road that dead ends at a pasture that used to be filled with cattle. Her house is right beside where my Grandparents lived with a huge garden in between. She took care of Grandma and Grandpa until God called them both home. After Grandma and Grandpa died, she took care of other elderly family members during their last days. She is the epitome of a care giver. Her hair is now gray, her steps are very slow and unsteady, but the spark that won her the title of  Red Aunt is still found just beneath the wrinkles that now adorn her face. She is the matriarch of our family and we are a much better family because of her. All of my memories spent at her house will be treasured forever. It is my prayer that her last few years be filled with harmony and love to those whom she dedicated her life.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Paw Prints and Permits

Well, it finally happened. My 15 year old got his drivers permit. I know from experience that the time will now began to fly by at a neck breaking pace and before you know it.... he too will be flying from my nest. Preparations of my heart began years ago, but I know that all of the preparation in the world won't keep little cracks at bay once that house is finally quiet of heavy metal christian music. LOL! Oh well, it's all good. Anywho.... I thought I'd let him drive me to Nana's (which is right around the corner), the other day. Actually I was going to walk my dog over there but thought hey, he can just drive me. Since I already had Sailor Girl collared up and she was anxious to get on our way I figured she could go along for the ride. There was just one.... well several problems with that idea. Problem #1 is, she gets really anxious during car rides and wants to sit in your lap. I figured I could solve this problem by sitting in the back with her so maybe she would be a little more at ease. Problem #2 is, she is really the wrong size for the car, the wrong size for my lap, pretty much the wrong size for anything other than being saddled up for a ride. If the record for stuffing people into a VW Beetle  is 19 (they were bankers so they had unusually large heads), then I should be able to get all of Sailor Girl into my Chrysler. I got in the back seat first and amazingly she wasn't too skittish about going in. We did have a hard time getting her tail to stay inside the car while we shut the door.... It kept wanting to fly out. Problem #3 was, my Son couldn't see anything in the rear view mirror, nor could he see anything out the back window because from floor to ceiling there was nothing but dog (with a little bit of Momma squished in). Needless to say we did manage to get to Nana's and back in one piece. I have several paw print bruises but I'm used to those, and my son has decided it's more fun to drive with just Daddy in the car since Mom's mind is always going in several directions at once. That's fine with me. I taught our daughter to drive and after that I pretty much feel like I've paid my parenting dues and now it's Dad's turn. Like I said, it's all good, but it's all going too fast.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sinking Ships & Minor Blips

A few years ago I enrolled in a kickboxing class. I loved it!!! I would get up early and go before work or go in the evenings when I got off work. Sometimes I would do both. It was a great way to detox from the stress of work. Just beating the heck out of a bag, felt good.... ya know. My daughter who is currently participating in RIMPAC (Naval exercises with other countries), recently emailed me and said they had just finished a SINKEX(sink exercise). The object of the game was to haul a retired Naval ship out in the middle of the ocean and for the destroyer to "Hit it with everything they've got."

Apparently sinking ships has the same effect with my daughter as kickboxing does on me. She described with enthusiasm the rush she got watching the missles being shot off. Standing mid-deck she said they were instantly in a cloud of smoke and gases.... "Rocket exhaust can't really be that bad for you can it?" Whether it's kickboxing or sinking ships, there's always something we can do to tame the minor blips that life throws our way.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


It will never be okay, what's happened to me. I will never again be the person you see. A part of me is gone and will never return, a part I know I will forevermore yearn. A part of me died, though the body lives on, a piece of my heart forever is gone. Will I ever know who I'm now known to be? Will I ever like the new one that's me? Empty and sad is how I now feel, I'm not sure I'll ever understand now what's real, or what was a figment of my heart and my mind. Those feeling I know must be left far behind. Yet somehow I must pick up now what's left and create a new me so my life I can live. If only I'd known the price was this high, sometimes I wish I would have just....... It will never be okay.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Garage Sales and Change

The day dawned bright.... and hot, just like every day in July and August in Oklahoma. We were up early on this Saturday morning ready to tackle "the project of the day". My youngest had gotten up around 4 a.m.. I was awakened by a tug on my arm and his little voice saying "Wait sup Momma, gots wup and put yoor makes-up on.... Fizzed me Bwreakfwast." Yep, even at his young age he knew Momma didn't have many rules that were set in stone, but waiting till Momma gots her "makes-up" on before expecting bwreakfwast was one on the very short list. I've heard of early birds before but before having children I never dreamed that there were people who actually got up at this godforsaken time on Saturday morning. A box of cereal and some cartoons put him off a couple of hours while I slept with one eye open. Once my feet hit the floor, it was "no holds barred". Our weekly contest of "let's see how much we can cram into one weekend" was the very effective way we lived our lives. My husband and I work as a team, we work fast (or used to), and we work well together... We always have and hopefully always will. Today we were going to tackle the garage. Our garage had seldom, if ever, seen a car. Although I wasn't blessed with OCD (I wish I had just a small case of it), I did try to keep the house uncluttered which meant if I couldn't find a place for something I would open the garage door and kinda throw it in with the clear intention of doing something with that or finding a place for that at some point in my life. This weekend was going to be that point, not necessarily out of great desire, but because I couldn't get the garage door opened much less toss something in without risking an avalanche of ginormous magnitude. Yes, today we would clean the garage. I got my makes-up on so we (as a unit) were now ready to get the show on the road. There were a lot of people in town as this was the "World's Largest Garage Sale" weekend. It was a very successful stab at drawing people into our town to generate some cash following the crash of the 1970's oil boom. Ignoring the slew of cars and people going up and down our street, we headed to the side of the house to the garage and rolled the door open. There it stood, a mountain of misplaced tools, junk and stuff just waiting to be thrown away or put away. We began dragging stuff out, dusting it off and tossing or putting it away. We were focused on our project just like we were every weekend. The kids were running amuck, in and out of the house, beating on each other, crying, laughing, asking a BILLION questions, just like every single day with children. The occasional person would yell from the street asking us if we were having a garage sale. We'd just shake our heads and continue with our work. At one point I came out of the garage to see a guy casually walking with our lawn mower up the driveway headed toward the street. I called to him but he kept walking. Finally I ran up to him explaining that we weren't having a garage sale. He kind of looked at me and I realized he didn't understand English.... My first clue was when he tugged the lawn mower back from me, muttering something and continued to walk. About that time my husband came out of the garage and between the two of us got the point across that "WE WEREN'T HAVING A GARAGE SALE" in the ubber slow and loud way you speak to someone who doesn't speak your language..... As if speaking really loud and really slow will suddenly make them understand. The only thing he really understood was that we were morons for deciding to clean our garage on the weekend of the World's Largest Garage Sale, and we were total goobers for getting upset when people started trying to haul our stuff off. We finally got him shewed off our property, looked at each other and decided maybe we should tackle this.... hmmm next weekend. Fast forward to today. Today is the beginning the the annual garage sale, but things have changed a lot. There isn't as many garage sales as there used to be. There isn't near the amount of traffic or hoopla about the weekend and.... You will find me.... Sleeping late with no bitty voices bidding me to waits up, padding around the house accomplishing absolutely nothing and my shades drawn tight. I will however, have every hair in place and my makes-up on, because not everything has changed.

Monday, July 12, 2010


So very many questions rumbling around my heart. The when, the why, the how did it start. Where do I go for the answers I need? To the cross? Is there room for one such as me? Will this be what remains of the person I was? Will I recover the one, the who I once was? Where are you now that I need you the most? Where have you gone? When did you leave me alone?  Where is that voice I heard in the dark? Where is the light, the spark in my heart? 

I don't understand how I got here from there. I don't really know when my heart ceased to care. There has to be a place or a time, where the path took a turn and I walked this way blind. What were the obstacles that blocked my clear sight? Why was I walking alone in the night? Here I stand suspended in space, searching for Him who once took my place. I know He is there, just out of my reach, but what is the barrier that keeps Him from me. I never 

imagined I'd find myself here. So far from where I started, from everything held dear. But continue to question and seek till I find, the one whom apparently I left far behind. And hopefully soon I will find that safe place and see that sweet smile on his all caring face.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Go ye!!!!

If a Momma with mostly grown kids and no grand kids can't brag about her kids,  then what the heck is she suppose to do? So if you don't like boasting Mommas,  now is the time you hit the escape button. Having been raised with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and mainly in one spot, I have tremendous amount of admiration for those with enough courage to venture out of their comfort zone. I guess I was always afraid that I would disappear in a puff of smoke if my steps weren't ordered and approved of by..... hmmm, well others around me. So the fact that my two oldest children spend their lives going to places far and wide makes me terribly proud. I am so thankful  they did not inherit my fear gene. My Daughter who serves in the US Navy, just returned from deployment and is now participating in REMPAC someplace in the Pacific Ocean. My Son and his best friend just returned from a mission trip to Kenya where they got to "hang" with the Masai Warriors among other things. Christ left us with a commission to witness to the world and that is just what my Son and his friend did. After hearing their testimony, a Masai chief, who the missionaries had been witnessing to for some time, finally gave up and committed his heart to Christ. What a blessing!!!!! Hearing tales like that makes me want to put my fear aside, pick up my spear (now that's a scary thought!) and GO YE!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Only In You

Never alone
That's how I'll be
Never forsaken
By your love for me
Never forgotten
Regardless of tears
My prayers and petitions
Make way to your ears
The storm clouds may darken
The path I am on
Yet through the darkness
I will sing your sweet song
when lonely or frightened
Or perhaps overwhelmed
                                           Beneath your wings
                                           A peace I have found
                                          Tomorrow your mercies
                                          Begin all a new
                                          A strength and a comfort
                                          Found only in you

Penny For Your Thoughts

Fortunately.... Or maybe unfortunately (depending on which way the current is running), you never really have to drag my thoughts out of me. There aren't a lot of things that I'm afraid of sharing with people.... I'm not saying that is a good thing and don't think for a second that honesty sets well with others. I think people are so used to being disingenuous that most people actually expect it to be the rule instead of the exception. I am a firm believer that it is actually possible to be honest without being cruel. I believe you can be honest without being hateful or mean. Disagreeing with someone is never an excuse just to be rude. I used to tell my kids, anger, fear as well as joy and love are all emotions God created for us to enjoy. The trick is being able to harness the negative feelings and to learn to express them in a positive way. Yes! I believe it is possible to express negative feelings in a positive way.... But hey, I'm just weird like that. What I really don't understand is when someone gives you the opportunity to express your thoughts but pretty much prefaces it with "But what you say isn't going to make a bit of difference in this situation." I'm just stubborn enough to express my feeling anyway knowing full well that when they tell me they will give me a penny for my thoughts, I'm still coming away empty handed.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Trophy Wife

You know how some people just have the "Midas Touch"? Have you ever met someone you referred to as "The Golden Child"? I would not be one of those people. Although blessed in more ways than I can count, I wouldn't exactly call myself lucky. I'm more of a "Murphy's Law" kinda chick..... You know the one... Just a few fries short of a happy meal.... So close yet so far away. Some people are waiting for "Their Ship To Come In", my ship has actually come in several times only to sink right off of the horizon leaving me to wonder if it was a mirage or if I should throw my life jacket on to save the sinking thing. I'm the one whose lottery ticket (if I actually would buy one) would be just one number off. Actually, it sounds like me to put the actual winning ticket someplace where "I would know where it was" only to forget exactly where that remote spot might be at the exact moment I was suppose to claim my fortune. You get the picture. That's why I was stunned to turn around the other day to find my boss (you know the one who lost the golf tournament) standing behind me with a golf trophy with my name on it. I was so surprised that I actually... well, was a little repelled by the sight and kind of leaned back waiting for the thing to explode or something. I just knew the thing was booby trapped. Then I noticed something.... His smile wasn't really big like it should be if this were a joke and I could see his jaw muscle twitch a little as he held it out for me to take, meaning he was having some difficulty pulling off the whole "I'm happy for you" routine. That's when I realized... It was real! I actually have my win written in stone!!!! How cool it that? After blubbering around for a couple of seconds I shot off an email to my husband to tell him the fabulous news.... I GOT A TROPHY!!! His reply was... well it was so sweet. He said... "Great! Now you're a trophy wife. Well, actually you've always been a trophy wife but now you have the hardware to prove it." Am I crazy or was that not just the sweetest thing.I warned you I was a few fries short.....