Losing the Battle But Winning the War

Ephesians 6:12 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Today I certainly feel like I lost the battle. My weakness is that all too often I don't recognize my stuggles as being spiritual, but tend to look at them as being all emotions and just the drama of day to day living. If I would just stop for one second and look at things as they are instead of how they appear, I would be much better off. Having been raised in Girl World (which is my personal term for all things female), I sluff things off as just being pure emotion rather than looking at them for what they are which is a spiritual attack from the very bowels of hell. Why, why, why do I do that? Oh wait.... maybe because I'm human. I don't look at myself as a mighty warrior because deep down inside I don't feel like I'm enough of a threat to be in the war (I'm just being... well I won't say real, but I will say brutally honest). Honestly I wish I could just tuck my emotions in a suitcase and ship them to another universe, or give them the strong arm out the back door so I wouldn't have to deal with them. Then again if I woke up every morning prepared for the days battle, I might be a little more successful in knocking a few of those battles out. I've come to know that arming yourself isn't a one time deal but something you do every second of every minute of every hour of every day of your life.  Yep, you got it.... This is a self scholding blog post. So Jac, today you lost the battle but at least you live to fight another day and will rise to win the war because Sister it's not over till the fat lady sings or the trumpet blows. Gird yourself up girl and let's get-er-done, with a little more style tomorrow and in really cute shoes (cause in heavenly Girl World the whole armor includes cute shoes.... They kick butt)

Ephesians 6:11 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

Question and Answer Segment of Heaven

My Husband said this weekend.... "I'm sick of being sick." This weekend he came down with something... Who knows if it was what I had or something different. I just know he felt bad enough to miss work which almost never happens. I wore my happy pants all day Saturday but I must have forgotten and put them in the laundry Saturday night because this morning I woke up with that terrible blue feeling... Not the overwhelming sadness I had last year, just an achy sadness in the pit of my chest. After my pity fest in the bubble bath (what a great place to cry your heart out to God), I put my big girl panties on and kept the demons at bay for most of the day.When I get to heaven, after the rejoicing has taken place and everyone has settled down, I'd really like to ask God just a few simple questions... You know during the question and answer portion of eternity that's scheduled sometime right after the praise and worship service.Why women were born with so many dadgum emotions? A woman's emotions are a lot like the weather in Oklahoma.... Probably one of the few states where you can experience every season all in one day and sometimes all in the same day. Thanks to the abundance of raging hormones God gave women,or at least this woman, I can, and have, routinely experienced every human emotion and sometimes done so within minutes of each other. Thankfully it doesn't happen all the time, but I really hate it each time it does happen. Some of the things I beat myself up over today.....

A) I'm not as good a friend to people as I once was
B) I should have handled last year better
C) I must be a bad person because I can't fix other people's 
   people's problems
D) I felt guilty because my husband was sick (I'm sure I made        him that way) and I was getting over being sick so I
   skipped church
E) I was angry at the medical profession because there are still
   illnesses they don't know how to cure that I feel should have
   been cured long ago (Can I hear an Amen Sista?)
F) A friend who has had breast cancer is going through yet
   another surgery and I am unable to "stand in" for her so
   she won't have to go through it
G) A little patient on Grey's Anatomy had to break up with his
   long time girlfriend in order to receive his long awaited
   lung transplant 

The good news is... Apparently I didn't have enough to worry about today so my mind created all kinds of junk to moan about. Could be worse, this day could have lasted forever like it did last year, but thank God it didn't.

Do Not Touch Makes Me Curious Like a Cat

Last night I got home from work and was hurrying upstairs to change clothes. One of my son's friends must have thought it would be a hoot to egg my cute little clown car (It's a Cube). I was going to run to the car wash before it did any damage to the paint. As I began upstairs tugging at my clothes as I went, I noticed a gadget or something on the breakfast nook table with a handwritten sign under it that said "DO NOT TOUCH!".... Now why, did he have to do that? If I wasn't suppose to touch it, there should have been no sign saying do not touch..... It just should have been. I cannot tell you how my fingers itched to touch that stupid gadget that apparently was in the process of downloading music. I came back downstairs and I walked by the note several times, looked, pondered, paced.... I had this overwhelming desire to just touch it. I really needed to go wash my car, but gosh, the temptation was torture!!! I just couldn't help but wonder what would happen if I had touched it? Would it explode? Would anyone even know I had touched it? Was there a hidden camera around somewhere waiting to see what I would really do? I went ahead and drove to the car wash still pondering why I wasn't suppose to touch. When I got home, luck has it that my son had gotten home first and was working on the gadget so all curiosity was nipped in the bud. How much fun would it be to touch with supervision, so I couldn't screw something up??? Not much I'll tell you that. I'm the one who has to touch the desserts in a resturant display to see if they are plastic or real. Occasionally I'm shocked to find whipped cream on my finger from a display of the real thing! I'm always a little embarrassed when that happens because the hostess will look at me like I've lost my mind. I can't help it, I'm just curious... curious like a cat... "That's why they call me Whiskers... Which leads me to the best skit of all times....

Opening My Boxes

Fallen

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this week. It was about the moral character of a person. I used to be of the mindset that everything was black and white, good or bad. Either you had moral integrity, or you didn't have it. Either you were a good person or you weren't. This thought pattern led me to pass judgment on people based on what I could see and how it fit into the white/black/good/bad category. I wouldn't simply put them in the black or white zone, I would put them in the right/wrong box and there they stayed forever and ever amen. For the most part I was raised in a church that did the same thing. When people messed up, regardless of the redemption they may have found at the cross, they could never quiet find that kind of forgiveness in the church and they especially couldn't find forgetfulness that cast your sins as far and the east is from the west. I suppose that kind of redemption is considered strictly Divine attributes of our Lord. My question is should it not be an attribute that we, as followers of Christ, should strive to obtain? The Bible does tell us to forgive.... I believe it says 70 times 7, but to be honest with you I don't know of many who practice that verse, myself included. I can forgive, but dang it, forgetting is nearly impossible to do. Sometimes it's not even about forgiveness. It's easy to see friends, family and people in the community make bad choices, we may not even know them, but when the rumors hit our ears, we don't hesitate to dump them in the bad box, fold the flaps and walk away. I once knew a woman who was a wonderful wife and mother. In fact I believe her and her husband received a "Family of the Year" award. shortly thereafter she began to change. I had lost touch with her but I know that these changes effected her marriage, her children and eventually led to the murder of her best friend. I knew this woman. I had gone to church with her, I had been to her house, she was a good person.... and then something happened. After she was released from prison I talked to her ex-husband who said she had gotten her life back together, had a job and was attending church again. He seemed at peace with things and I admired his ability to speak of her without any hint of bitterness or anger. I wonder about her often. She will forever wear the label of "that woman". The story of what she did will follow her forever. I suppose it's just the law of reaping what you sow, but I can't help but wonder if Christ wouldn't rather us embrace the "new and improved" version and work on forgetting the small window in history where she wasn't new and definitely wasn't improved. Several years ago I took the Beth Moore bible study on David. Of  her studies I believe I liked this one the most. The reason is because the bible specifically calls David a man after God's own heart. Yet when you read David's story it reads like a script off of Desperate Housewives. David failed time and time again. David made some horrible choices that also resulted in innocent deaths. Yet in spite of those errors in judgments.... The bible calls him a man after God's own heart. That is comforting to me. I require a lot of grace from the throne.... Not a little, a lot. I may not go out and commit murder, I may not conceal a crime, commit adultery, but I do believe the ability to do so lies deep inside each and every person... given the right circumstances. But for the grace of God go I. I heard a song the other day that spoke of this. The lyrics said.....

          Fallen
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed  (Sarah McLachlan)

That's how I've come to look at people.... Everyone is one misstep away from being forever labeled. Yet, to know that you can be wholly human, completely flawed and still be a man or woman after God's own heart.... Nothing short of amazing!!! Most people probably remember David for his failures and never stop to analyze his accomplishments. Why? Because as humans we tend to put people in a box, label, and fold the flaps. I'm just glad that Christ hasn't folded the flaps on me and in spite of myself. I can still be know by him as a woman after his heart... That's good news to this feisty gal, because we have all fallen and if we haven't then at some point in life we will. I'm working on unfolding the flaps of my boxes I've set aside, and releasing the ones that I've had trapped by judgment. Because when I fall, I don't want to be trapped in a box that I can never escape.

Something More

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MsZXSNehBw

Sunday evening I sat in the pew at church cradled underneath my husband's arm just like always.We've had a difficult year and he has been a most patient man. One of the girls from our youth group began to sing a song recorded by Kristy Starling entitled "Something More". The song was written by Tyler Hayes Bieck and Trina Harmon. Have you ever heard a song that mirrored your feelings? It was the first time I had heard the song and I was so swept away with emotion I didn't catch half the lyrics so I looked them up later and found the youtube video linked above. In the last few months I can't tell you how much I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've failed God, my family, my parents, pretty much everyone. But also in the last year, there have been many days that I feel like I've been failed? I was raised under a pew... I'm the daughter of a deacon... I know the correct response to those  feelings, I know what I'm suppose to do on those days when feelings of failure cloud every word God has ever spoken to me. I'm suppose to remind myself that I am blessed, I am loved by God.... I am his child and He is "The Great I Am". I know that. I know what I'm suppose to do. But what am I suppose to do on the days I don't feel it? What am I suppose to do when... "I can't trust because it hurts too much"? Like the song says.... "I close my eyes, cause inside my heart I believe, that I'm not alone." I know I have fallen,over and over again. falling is the easy part of life, it's getting up from that fallen position that's difficult... Sometimes it's like swimming from the ocean floor looking for a breath of air. At least that's what it feels like for me. As I swim for the surface, I have to believe there is beauty here on the ocean floor and that my time down here will bring me to a place, where there truly is..... "Something More"