A Measure of Grace

I have been a weepy mess this week... And it's only Tuesday. I have a very close family member who has been embroiled in a nasty legal battle brought by other members of the family. My heart has broken as I've watched her attempt to maintain a relationship that is being destroyed by greed and jealousy. Every time I think about her situation, I am reminded of the parable told to King David by Nathan the Prophet....

New International Version 1984

Nathan Rebukes David

1The Lord sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. 2The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, 3but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.

4“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”

5David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this deserves to die! 6He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”

7Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! 

I used to work in the life department of an insurance company. Time and again, I've seen family members lie, steal and cheat for as little as a few hundred dollars. The idea that someone may have no right to something, yet simply cannot stand the thought of someone else having what they cannot, is very common.  When  the possessions are divided, the money is long gone, all that remains are annihilated relationship, torn lives and broken hearts. I made the remark a couple of years ago.... "At this point, the most loving thing to do, is to facilitate a healthy relationship between these two parties so the last memories are of joy and not sorrow." Sadly,  the only thing many can facilitate is grief, because they are not happy, they prefer no one be happy.  My Pastor, whom I have so much admiration for has always said, if he erres, he wants to err on the side of grace. Grace is many things, but it is never self serving and usually always goes against our human nature. I know that if I extend grace by the measure of  grace I need, than I will be extending a LOT of grace.

Losing the Battle But Winning the War

Ephesians 6:12 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Today I certainly feel like I lost the battle. My weakness is that all too often I don't recognize my stuggles as being spiritual, but tend to look at them as being all emotions and just the drama of day to day living. If I would just stop for one second and look at things as they are instead of how they appear, I would be much better off. Having been raised in Girl World (which is my personal term for all things female), I sluff things off as just being pure emotion rather than looking at them for what they are which is a spiritual attack from the very bowels of hell. Why, why, why do I do that? Oh wait.... maybe because I'm human. I don't look at myself as a mighty warrior because deep down inside I don't feel like I'm enough of a threat to be in the war (I'm just being... well I won't say real, but I will say brutally honest). Honestly I wish I could just tuck my emotions in a suitcase and ship them to another universe, or give them the strong arm out the back door so I wouldn't have to deal with them. Then again if I woke up every morning prepared for the days battle, I might be a little more successful in knocking a few of those battles out. I've come to know that arming yourself isn't a one time deal but something you do every second of every minute of every hour of every day of your life.  Yep, you got it.... This is a self scholding blog post. So Jac, today you lost the battle but at least you live to fight another day and will rise to win the war because Sister it's not over till the fat lady sings or the trumpet blows. Gird yourself up girl and let's get-er-done, with a little more style tomorrow and in really cute shoes (cause in heavenly Girl World the whole armor includes cute shoes.... They kick butt)

Ephesians 6:11 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

Please Don't Give Me a Hard Time

Discounting the last year, I'm not one who typically has the urge to give someone a piece of my mind.  Mostly, because there isn't that much to share, but also because it's just not my nature. Some people thrive on setting themselves up as judge, jury and executioner as well as the moral authority on all things and all people. The people they target don't necessarily have to have anything to do with them.... The situation may not effect them at all (as in it's none of their business), but still they are just itching to jump right in the big middle, with judgement in hand. I just don't think I have that kind of energy, plus.... OMG what if I was wrong and made the wrong judgment call?  I had one of these people digging in my garden last week, trolling up things they knew nothing about, making all the wrong assumptions and then publicly trying to crucify me.  I was laying in the bed with a raging fever and felt like my throat had been scalped by Indians (no offense to Indians). I got a notice on my phone about what this person had said. It was like someone pulled a rip cord deep inside of me and righteous indignation (well there wasn't much that was righteous about it) came shooting out of my ears. Before I knew it I had allowed this person to drag me down to their level (I should have beaten the dog out of them while I was there, JK). Later, when the fever (legitimate fever... I had strep) had passed, I was humiliated that I had taken the bait like a catfish lurking under a rock waiting for a worm. Last year when I was in the throws of recovery from my injury, I had a lot of those moments.... Oh how I wish I could take them back. It was like a ball of fire would hit the wrong button and I became a nuclear weapon that had no control. The head injury was a legitimate excuse, but still the thought of me acting like that has humbled me greatly... Because head injury or not, if it hadn't been hidden in my heart somewhere,it  wouldn't have been able to come out. I may have a hard time forgiving myself over this, but I have to believe, in faith, that God is my judge and I'm good with Him. Some people live their entire lives in this state of ugliness. I am so thankful that my state was temporary even if it did seem to last an eternity. Why would anyone willingly live in such a state? It truly baffles my mind and makes me terribly sad. There are countless injustices that happen every day in every one's life, but you can't live your life set on go (or in constant attack mode). Thinking over the last year, when I remember those feeling of being out of control, it brings so much shame to me that as I blog tears stream down my cheeks. I so don't want to be one of those people. I truly want to have a compassionate heart even for those who are blatantly making bad (and sometimes wicked) choices. I just pray that God will keep my heart ever tender.... Even to those who mean to cause me or others harm. If it's a process for me (someone who doesn't have a mean nature), I can't imagine what it must be like for those who do. I feel sorry for those who do choose to live a life of hatefulness, even if they attempt to drape a cloth of "best intentions" around it and advertise it as justice.I saw a facebook post the other day that said... 

"There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down ...is a part of LIFE, getting back up is LIVING"

Gosh, that is so true. I had someone ask me the other day why I didn't have any desire to be around certain people. My reply was as simple and straight forward as it could be... "Because they are mean hateful people" I don't have the time or the energy for that. Life is too short to live it in the presence of those who try to make it harder than it is. Give me happy people, give me laughter, give me joy, but please don't give me a hard time.

 

 

 

 

 

Defined By Grace

Having been raised in a very legalistic Christian environment, it's still hard for me, at age 46, to wrap my mind around the grace of a loving God. In my mind I see him keeping track of every misspoken word, every ill conceived desire and every broken commandment on a score card that grows in size every day. My transgressions are written in bold print and the extraordinarily bad deeds are highlighted in florescent yellow. Sometimes the idea of living a victorious life seems like an overwhelmingly impossible task. After all, when you are young those around you are quick to forgive your bad judgment to youth. The older you become the less likely you are to be the recipient of such forgiveness especially from those in the Church. At times it seems that among the more mature sect there is a competition to see who can appear to be the most spiritual. The goal is to be viewed as a mega Christan instead of merely a forgiven Christian. Even though I've been in church all of my life (literally slept under a pew as an infant), I can't seem to grasp the idea that we try to define our spiritual selves by how positive we can talk, how above it all we can come across and frankly how disingenuous we can be. It seems to me that it would be easier just to be...real. How much more effective could we be to those around us if we would just be real? So many Christians define themselves to others by how much time they spend in prayer, how much they give financially or how many spiritual gifts they hold in their possession. I cannot boast of great things. The only thing I can say is... I am a fallen angel. I stands at the foot of the cross desiring, but not deserving grace. I am not interested appearing to have it all together for I do not. I'm not interested in having the most outstanding testimony, because I have yet to overcome. But my one desire is to stand before the cross, broken by sin yet defined by His grace. For me this is as real as it gets.