Monday, January 31, 2011
TBI Recovery, Living With A New Me: The First Month: "I was released from the hospital on Saturday. I felt like I was floating on clouds or was having an out of body experience. Little did I kno..."
TBI Recovery, Living With A New Me: How It All Began: "New Year's day 2010, began like any other New Year's day. Each year we spend the day with friends. We eat, play board games, play spoons, so..."
I am not being a Negative Nancy as my family says I am, it's just I know exactly how my luck runs. I love snow, always have loved snow. Unfortunately I live in the part of the state of Oklahoma which gets little snow compared to other parts. I hate to hear the winter weather forecast when snow is involved because the snow usually comes right up to our county line and then zilch, notta, nothing. I laughingly say, I have a no snow dome over my head. Last year in an effort to have a white Christmas we traveled all the way to Colorado. While we were there we had a blizzard at home. This is what I'm saying, it only snows when I'm not around. Tomorrow there is 100% chance of snow (whatever!). This is what I think.... If I actually believe the reports and get excited about the snow, it for sure will not happen. If I use reverse psychology and say I don't believe the snow will come, go wash my car and put my winter clothes away, maybe I'll fake it out and it actually will snow buckets!!!! That's what I'm doing for lunch. I'm going to wash my car in hopes the Snow Gremlin's will come out in full force. If that doesn't work then I'm going to some beach some where.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
|My Brother from another Mother and me skiing|
Two of the most amazing people in my life celebrated their birthdays last week. The first one is the next closest thing I have to an honest to God brother, except for my honest to God brother. What do they call that? My brother from another mother.... All three of my children sat under his ministry when he was youth pastor. He has probably had the biggest impact on the people they have become and are becoming, next to my husband and I. I actually call him Bubba and I mean that with great affection. We had the honor of surprising him with a 50th birthday party Saturday night. So many people showed up to wish him happy birthday and that's just the tip of the iceburg to those he has influenced and the lives he has helped change over the 19 years that we have known him. He is truly a man after God's own heart and I love him dearly. Happy Birthday Bubba!!
|Angel on earth|
I'm just so confused. Of course when I'm not confused, then I'm busy confusing other people so.... Welcome my world. We went bowling this weekend with some friends. My bowling score was horribly low... I mean really low! If I had been playing golf that would have been a good thing, but in bowling people tend to laugh at you when it's as low as mine was. In fact a big chicken danced across n our score screen every time I bowled and didn't hit anything but the gutter. Not that's embarrassing!!! Life is full of mixed messages.... High score in bowling good, high score in golf bad... High credit rating good, high cholesterol bad. It's no wonder I stay confused all the time. I know one thing I learned this weekend.... Bowling is not my spiritual gift. I should stick to Olympic shopping instead. Now there's something I know how to do!
Friday, January 28, 2011
It's been a good week. I hate to say this because I'm afraid I'll jinx it, but I think I'm leveling out. There we go, I now have the sudden urge to write a dark and twisty poem. LOL!! I promised myself that 2011 was going to be a different story than 2010, and so far so good.I'm not as social as I want to be, but things are on the upward swing so I'm not complaining. It has taken a lot of work to get here and I know the journey isn't over yet, but I'm not afraid of the future.... There is hope, there is always hope. Finally I'm starting to see the hope on a more regular basis. There is light at the end of the tunnel and no... It's not a train.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Today was one of those days where I had the best intentions of doing certain things, but then these rabbit trails would pop up demanding my full attention (because I do not want another thing sitting on my desk). By the time I would get back to what I was doing I would forget... what that thing was!!! Ever have one of those days? You feel like you're on one now don't you?.. I got a lot of little things done today (for other people), but I didn't get to do what I needed to do, therefore I feel like I didn't get anything accomplished. I dislike days when I can't get to where I'm going, and can't remember where I've been. Thankfully those days are happening less and less, plus I actually realize I'm having them now. Realizing where you are, in reference to where you want to be is half the battle of knowing how to get to where you're going. Yeah, I think that about sums up my rabbit trails today.... Don't you wish you lived in my head?? It's a VERY interesting place to be:-)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Years ago Bill Cosby had a book about parenting. In the book he talked about how grandparents are so much different than they were as parents.
"I tell my kids, This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."
Well, I got a little taste of this when my daughter brought her
"I tell my kids, This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."
Well, I got a little taste of this when my daughter brought her
cases I don't. If buying, wearing, collecting shoes was an Olympic sport, I would most certainly be the Gold Medal winner! But in ordinary day to day stuff I generally don't feel the need to be ahead of the pack. A lot of people consider being non-competitive a bad thing, but who can really say. I have a friend who turns into a bloodhound when he gets behind the wheel of a car. If there is someone in front of him, it is his mission in life to pass them at any cost. A particularly high dose of medication is required if I am going to be in the car with him for a period of time. I will have to say that his driving does a lot for my prayer life, cause I tend to wanna get in touch with God when I'm riding with him. I know women can be very competitive, but men seem to have a lot of ego tied to their ability to be out front. I was talking to a friend who is recovering from an extensive foot/leg surgery. After months of being unable to get around very well, he is finally getting back on his feet.... So to speak. Although he isn't back to running, he is able to swim laps. He said the other night he was swimming when another man swam up beside him.... Neck in neck. His competitive spirit kicked in and he began to push the envelope to get ahead. He said they swam for over a mile and when he got out of the pool he felt completely exhausted. He had given it his all and then some to keep up with this guy. When they got to the locker room, he learned that this guy was a 25 year old Navy rescue swimmer who was training for his re-certification!!! I'm sorry, but I just about rolled in the floor laughing when he told me this. Here he thought he was just doing some friendly competition, when in reality he was killing himself to keep up with someone who swims, not just for a living, but to rescue those whose lives depend on his ability to swim. That would be like me trying to compete against Jimmy Choo in shoes. One thing for sure, he definitely got a good work out that night. This would be one of those cases where it pays to know your competition. What can I say.... I guess we all need a good lap once in a while. (I don't care who you are, that was funny;-)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I was leaving the gym last night when I heard someone call my name. I turned around and there was a woman I knew from softball when my daughter was in elementary school. Oh those are some good memories. I asked her how her daughter was doing. She said she had become a P.A.and was working in a doctors office. We talked for a while, said good night and I headed home. When I was driving home I thought back to those hot summer days when our girls played softball. My daughter was the catcher and let me tell you, that isn't a fun position to play in the hot Oklahoma sun. When she came out of her catchers gear she looked like she had been the main course at a Cajun Crawfish Boil. I'll never forget seeing her team mate transform right before every one's eyes. She was a tall lanky girl who hadn't quiet gotten past that awkward stage. She didn't look particularly comfortable in the field or in the batters box. One game she was playing shortstop when someone popped a ball right up over her. Everyone held their breath, hoping she would get under the ball and catch it. As the ball began to descend, she held her glove up, and positioned herself for a perfect catch. When the ball hit her glove and she snapped it shut, the look on her face was priceless!!!! She looked at her glove, then she looked up at the cheering crowd and the light bulb finally came on. You could almost hear her say.... "Hey, I can do this!". From that point forward she was a different player. The next time she walked out on the field she walked out with confidence. The next time she got up to bat, she did so with authority she did not possess before. She became one of the star players on our team and went on to college with a softball scholarship.My husband and I have referred to that moment several times. It was a very visual, path altering moment. I love it when God gives me little successes that spur me on to greater things. I cherish the times he has come in and lifted me up when I felt awkward or insignificant. I have to remember to position myself just right and hold my glove up in order to catch the blessings he is throwing my way.It's as simple as that!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
|Terry Alan Pool... Nov 8, 1962-Feb. 17, 1981|
Friday, January 21, 2011
Monday morning when I got to work there were papers everywhere from a project I'm working on. There were various other piles of paper and files stacked strategically around my office, as if waiting in line at the DMV. I haven't actually seen the genuinely fake hardwood finish of my desk in a long time. This week I've made a concentrated effort to get the big task finished, put away then work on the smaller projects. Last night I finally hit pay dirt.... Yes Jac, there is indeed a desk underneath it all. Little brown patches were starring up at me and I got that funny little feeling in the pit of my stomach like when you descend from the top of a roller coaster. Today I was determined to finish up in
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Geeze!!! At some point during the night the wind began to blow. I mean really blow. The wind chimes outside my window were singing with the rhythm, which was a constant beat. As I lay in my bed I could hear the tree limbs whipping and every now and then a crack of a limb as it finally gave up to rest on the ground below. I was snuggled warm in my bed, but still I scrunched a little closer to my husband, not so much for warmth but for security.... I just felt safer there.Something about the sound of the wind makes me anxious. It must be the sound of unsecured items being toppled over and blowing down the street.When the Alarm rang at 5, the thought of tripping to the gym with the wind howling, did not appeal to me at all, so I snuggled under a little farther and ignored my New Year's resolution which was to work out every morning. I comforted myself that I would not be the only New Year's resolution breaker, nor would I be the last. There is nothing that will take the wind out of my good intentions like a blast from old man winter without snow .... He can suck the oxygen right out of my grand ideas.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I push the thoughts aside as if to banish them from my mind, but in reality I fear, what I once held so dear has been lost to me forever. Time has a way of taking things from you that you never dreamed could be taken. Reality has a way of stomping into your dreams and shattering the very thing that has kept you going for so long. It's the cold hard facts of life that things are in constant motion and if you are unable to meld yourself with the flow you will be overcome. Others will tell you to accept the inevitable, not to waste energy looking for a solution to a problem with no answer. So am I supposed to just accept blindly that things will never be the same, or accept that perhaps things will never change? If I had the answers I would be a very rich person. Things happen to the strong as well as the weak, to the spiritual as well as the carnal, to the rich as well as the poor. The reason we accepted it is because the fight is too exhausting to continue. Is there peace without relief? Is there hope without dreams? In a perfect world these questions would never be asked, but we don't live in a perfect world and that is the problem. I have to ask myself, do I long for too much. Am I requiring that which no one truly possesses? Very possibly, but it's more possible that others simply refuse to accept the fact that it's missing from their lives and they have been so consumed with daily living that they
haven't even noticed that it's gone.How is it possible that we become so complacent that we don't realize something so important is no longer there? My dilemma is do I continue to look for the answer, or simply give up and accept things the way they are regardless of how unfulfilled I believe that state would be. Of course things could be worse, things could always be worse and I am thankful that I haven't found myself in a completely hopeless situation. My problem would be that I am a.. "I want my cake and to be able to eat it too" kind of gal. The fact that even though I know it's in God's hands
tomorrow, not next week, not in time, I want
done by quitting time today and not a second
later. I know God gets tired of me whining and wishes I would just put it in his hands, leave it in his hands and trust it will get done in his time. I also know that he probably gets tired of my suggestions on how he should answer these prayers of mine, but he and I both know that he created me with an excess of emotion and the inability to just sit quietly back while he works things out. He may not be happy that he created me with that personality, but I know he understands, that is just how I am. So what's he suppose to do with someone like me who has an overwhelming
desire to feel every emotion,
experience every emotion and do so with the intensity of a hurricane? He's suppose to keep on loving me just the way I am and continue to work this lump of clay until all rocks are dug out and the surface is as smooth as glass. I do not believe he expects me to sit quietly through the process without complaint because he knows that simply isn't going to happen. I was brought into this world kicking and screaming wanting things my way and I'm pretty sure that unless I have a full lobotomy (which he thought about for a brief moment last year), I will most likely exit this world kicking and screaming..... and blogging my thoughts and expressions at just how things should be going. He either has to love me to death the way I am or put me in a choke hold till I run out of air, it's his call and I'll have no choice but to go along with whatever he decides.... That doesn't mean I have to be silent about it!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A good friend of mine started phlebodomy class tonight. For those who don't know what that is, it is.... "The act of drawing blood either for testing or transfusion."... With a needle I might add. For the record, this is a class that I will not be enrolling in. The nick name my husband has for me (Lucille Ball) would indicate why I will not be enrolling in said class. If you need a room decorated, need a reception or a shower planned, need a corny poem written or a ginormous dog shoved into a midget size bathtub for a bath... Call me, I'm your gal. If you want a needle painlessly driven into your vein, I suggest you call someone else. I'm just saying, I'm pretty sure phlebodomy isn't my God given talent and I'm beginning to think that being the friend of a student of phlebodomy isn't my God given talent either. So I'm in the gym tonight hiking up mountain
hills and sweatin up a storm while reading my futuristic mystery novel on my blackberry when I get a text that says she loves the class!!! Yay, I really am happy for her. The next text says... "You have to be my friend on bring a friend day." Ok, now I'm getting a little freaked out. Why, why, why would they have a "friend day" in a phlebodoy class? I text back "What does a friend have to do?" she responds... "Sit in a chair... LOL!" Yea, the LOL is the key to this whole thing.... Reading between the lines the text says... "I have to have some guilable person to practice on until I get good enough to actually graduate and I choose you to be that guilable person, because.... A) You are my friend B) Because you are my friend, I know things about you C) Anymore questions stupid? That is just wrong on so many levels. I will add for the record that I am not afraid of needles, nor do I have to be sedated to have my blood taken (like some I know). I'll also say, if I'm in the hospital and they bring in a student to take my blood, I very sweetly suck it up without complaint. There is however, something a little different in knowing weeks in
advance that the person who missed workout because she couldn't find her keys, is wanting you to sit in her "chair" and be her guinea pig. There could, quiet honestly, be pain and suffering involved in this deal, which isn't really any different than any other friendship except for the fact that you know it's coming and regardless of how good or bad she is I'm going to smile and act like it doesn't hurt at all (yeah, that's exactly like other friendships).... And I'm sure (cough, cough) that she will be really skilled at this but it's just.... well it's just weird and a little creepy. I am however a little flattered that she wants me to be her friend on bring a friend day (said with a slight smile and puppy dog eyes). I did get at least one blog out of the deal, possibly two and that's.... Well, that's just the price of friendship... LOL! Oh yea baby, I totally blogged you!!
journey with Beth Moore. Over the
last several years I have taken many
of her courses and enjoyed each and
one. This is the longest period of time that I've gone without being in a bible study and I have missed it a lot. This study couldn't be more perfectly timed for me as the last year or longer has been a very dark and lonely place..... Especially spiritually. As the video began last night, I could feel the little God bumps rise on my arms in excited anticipation as to what he would reveal to and in me during this study. Every time I take one of her courses, I feel like a dry sponge just soaking up fresh water for my soul. That's not saying I don't sit under wonderful leadership and teaching on a regular basis at my church, there is just something about the way she gets down to the nitty gritty of a woman's heart. She approaches each study with wit, charm and a humility that few bible scholars could even imagine much less convey to the ordinary person they are speaking to. That's why I love listening to her, she's just a woman on a journey who invites her girlfriends along for a great adventure in the word. I read a quote by her that said.... "True intimacy with God always brings humility." I have learned to appreciate humility after being raised in a denomination with little, if any. One thing I truly believe is those who are intimate with God never sit on a pedestal, but rather sit under the foot of the cross where everyone is on even ground and where the turf is well watered with the tears of their repentance. Yes, I'm looking forward to a wonderful journey.
Monday, January 17, 2011
This may seem like a really dumb post to some, but it means something to me. If you don't "get it" then you probably aren't meant to "get it" and that's ok. It's my healing, and only my husband and I really understands what that means. Feel free to hit the delete button cause that's what it's there for:-)
This scene from Sleepless In Seattle never fails to move me, but especially last year. I hadn't lost my husband, but I did lose someone I was very close to.... Myself. Day after day I felt these words tumble around my mind... "Just get up Jac, act and react the way you remember you used to. Breathe in and out as if it was natural and at some point being natural will return. If you do it well enough, no one will see how lost you really are, and at some point, you will return." Several months after my injury, we had two people at our church speak about the tragic loss of their loved ones and how God had lead them through those dark times and used the experience to give hope to others. My oldest son sat on one side of me and my husband sat on the other side. Their testimonies were so powerful and moving till there wasn't a dry eye in the house... Well, maybe one... mine. The stirring of emotions had been, to a large part, stripped away since the injury. I sat through movies and commercials that would usually bring me to tears, and feel nothing. Not even a slight sting of recognition. It was a very unsettling feeling and one that left me feeling very isolated. My fear was that I would never genuinely
feel emotion again. With much prayer and time, I am happy to say those emotions are coming back and are at times in full force (just ask my husband). This Sunday the couple who had lost their only daughter spoke again. When I began to cry as they spoke I knew that another little piece of me had returned. I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to remind myself how I should react, those emotions were really there, sitting in my lap and rolling down my cheeks and it felt so good.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday is my cleaning day. For the most part if it doesn't get cleaned on Saturday... it doesn't get cleaned. With two dogs in the house and one the size of a miniature horse, dusting is a never ending job (yet I usually manage only to do it on Saturday). Quiet often as I dust my mind wonders back to a woman I used to go to church with. She was my Sunday School teacher when I first married and moved to town. She was older and was a very mellow, unpretentious soul. After the birth of my second child she dropped by the house to visit with me and to see the baby. I've never been fond of "drop in"
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The fact that my baby boy got his drivers license today made me stop and reflect a little about when my little ones were just tiny tots. I'll have to say I had some cute babies I did!!! LOL! When my daughter was 6 months old we bought her a blue bear for Christmas. There was nothing special about "Blue Blair" (Blue Bear). For months he said sadly on a shelf in her room until she finally noticed him and they became Inseparable!!! We did not leave the house with out Blue Blair. We did not go to bed without Blue Blair. He was as much a part of the family as she was and we protected him as carefully as we protected her. As he began to age, we became increasingly afraid that something devastating would happen and he would be lost. He had been washed so many times his clothes were in tatters. We searched high and low for a replacement "just in case", but by that time a duplicate of this generic toy was no where to be found. So we were on high alert at all times to his whereabouts and his conditions. The time finally came where we noticed that another trip through the washing machine was out of question. Every night she slept peacefully with her sweet little arms around him. We used to tease her that when she left home we would not allow her to take him. But sure enough as she packed for college, Blue Blair was right at the top of her suitcase. She wasn't going to allow him to miss out on a college experience for anything in the world. She snuggled up with him in her sorority bed along with all the other girls who brought their lovies and blankies with them to college. We feared that Blue Blair had left home for good. We were sad when we learned that Blue Blair would not be allowed to go with her to boot camp.... but then again we were slightly relieved. When she graduated from boot camp he traveled with us for the celebration and for his final loving. He then took up a distinguished place on my husband's dresser where he is only moved during my weekly dusting.
down enough to look at a lovie much less bond
with a lovie. I did try forcing a couple on him during his early years with no success. I'm sure
he will totally add the lack of lovie to his
middle child syndrome he so proudly proclaims
every once in a while. I just grin and tell him
to put it in his therapist file. I will say
however, that even without a lovie he was an
adorable child who needed nothing more than
his alarming smile to melt your heart. As a
matter of fact he is still that way and I wouldn't
change him for lovie of any size or shape. My youngest, as the others will tell you had a massive amount of toys. Contrary to their "He's the favored child" accusations (LOL) he was simply the baby of the family. The baby of the family did have it made in the shade with lemonade, simply because he came along at a time when we were more established, and had a larger amount of disposable income. This, along with the fact that we were just too tired to play with him ourselves so we bought him a massive amount of toys to keep him occupied (come on guys... I'm not serious, of course we played with him). He was the only of the three children who would actually play with toys. The older ones would drag them out but they never actually played with them. Them may have beaten each other with them, but playing didn't seem to be an option. Out of his massive collection of meticulously organized toys (can someone say OCD at a VERY early age?), he did have one lovie. He was born at the peek of the Beanie Baby syndrome. I have no idea who bought it, or when we bought it
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Cocoon me in your arms of love....
The only place... I'll be safe
Though I'm not perfect...without doubt
You'll let me be ...who I am right now
Stand beside me...
Through thick or thin...
Because you love me...
Just as I am...
I never have to explain my fears....
Don't have to hide....
My thoughts, my tears....
You take me all....
The good, the bad...
No distrust of words...
So hide me here....
Safe in your arms....
Till I feel no threat...
I sense no harm...
Then open up your arms of Love...
And watch me soar...
Watch me rise above...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Designed by the Father
Created from the start
Intricately weaving tunnels
Buried far beneath
The calm maternal features
Of the face most others see
Constantly in connection
With emotions of the soul
Finding deepest solace
And grief beyond control
Yet strength beyond reason
And wisdom beyond years
With a gentle hand she guides
The ones He gave to care
And in their darkest moments
It's not their heart alone that breaks
But the web of tangled fibers
Their grief on her she takes
And in those deep dark moments
When hope seems all but lost
She finds the only answer
She finds the only answer
As she pleads there at the cross
Understanding she's an instrument
Understanding she's an instrument
He uses just to mold
To light the path direct the way
A foundation of faith unfolds
And as she watches magically
As they grow to reach their own
The pride swells deep inside the heart
A heart no longer whole
Each child takes a piece of her
wherever they may go
Broadening her influence
To those they come to know
The faith she did impart to them
They share with those they find
Believing in a Woman's heart
No child is left behind
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Yesterday I went through the heart wrenching process of putting my daughter and grand kitten on a airplane headed back to San Diego. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to seeing her leave and never knowing when I'll get to see her sweet face again makes it more difficult. I am getting a little better about controlling meltdown mode when I let her go. I made it several miles from the airport before the tears began to burn my eyes. My husband to this day, does not get the female emotion deal and the many complex issues that go on inside a woman's heart. The bond between mother and child simply cannot be put into words and the struggle usually always ends in tears. I gathered myself together rather quickly, shrugged off his questions and continued
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
One of the things that I am most proud of (if this sounds boastful it absolutely should), is when I introduce new people to my close circle of friends. I never have to worry if they will be accepted.... If I love them, they love them. You know that sounds really simple, but when you stop to think about it, it's not. Whether it's introducing people to your family (you know everyone has that crazy Uncle), or introducing them to your friends, it can be risky business. I never have to worry about that with "My Gang". My On New Year's Day we have a gathering of our circle of friends and we spend the entire day playing games, eating, talking, and acting goofy!!! New Year's Day has become my favorite holiday of all. No pressure, no conflict, just a lot of laughing and as much love as you can pack into one day. My Daughter was able to join us for New Year's Day and to every one's delight she brought her boyfriend of 2 years. She was so excited to get to show him a slice of her small town life in Oklahoma. He is from L.A. so this was going to be a new experience for him. The visit began, of course, at Walmart where we
had to do our New Year's Day feast shopping. In the parking lot I turned around and asked to take bets on how far into the store we would get before we saw the first person we knew. We made it almost into cosmetics when I saw the first person, so basically just inside the entrance. Not be proven wrong, we met up with a couple of our very best friends who were in fact hosting the New Year's Day get together. My Daughter and I were on another isle when my Son pointed out the boyfriend to our very friendly friend, who is the closest thing to my Brother other than my Brother. He walked right up to him and introduced himself leaving boyfriend to puzzle as to how he knew him or why he was talking to him. We laughed and laughed when he was telling us the story and I had to bite my tongue not to let "I told you so" slip out. New Year's Day he fit right in. He gave everyone a run for their money when he learned to cheat at spoons (thanks Bubba). He laughed and had a great time. It made my heart pump with pride at the love acceptance as did it my Daughter's heart. Sunday was the same song, second verse. Our church family is as close to us as family. It really does take a village to raise a child and my children had the privilege of having a bunch of Godly minded people molding them and shaping them from an early age. It was a blessing and a pleasure to introduce him to our church family!!!!! You know it's so easy to take the small things in your life for granted. One thing I hope I never take for granted is the loving friends God has allowed me and my family to be surrounded by. It is the blessing of all blessings and a blessing that started all of my family's New Year's Day out on a happy note.... A note I couldn't be prouder of. Love you guys!!!!!