Alice Finally Hits Pay Dirt

What the Alice in Wonderland movie (or book for that matter) didn't tell you, was when Alice fell down the rabbit hole, she was so dazed by the fall, that it completely messed up her workout routine. While she was running around talking to crazy rabbits and having tea with the Mad Hatter, she was also packing on some serious butt fat.  No, that was no petticoat under her apron dress, that was all her :-) Yeah, it's not exactly Hollywood movie material, but trust me, that's exactly how it went down. If you have no idea what I'm talking about you can go here

http://tbirecovery4sp.blogspot.com

or just exit and close. Either way makes me no never mind.

I've had the almost flu all week. I never really felt like I was going to die, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't the true flu, but still, I've felt pretty lousy. Tonight when I got home I was laying on the bed talking with my husband. Well, I was pretending to listen while my mind went running down 100 different rabbit trails because that's what people with ADHD do. But, to his credit he probably thought I was listening to him, cause he's just adorable like that.  When there was enough of a pause in the conversation that it wouldn't be awkward and totally obvious that I wasn't listening in the first place I jumped up from the bed and headed out of the room....  "Where you going?"  I told him I was just going to dig through the closet underneath the stairs and take a look in my skinny clothes tote. When I came back into the room with an armload of clothes he shook his head and said.... "Boy women are so different than men."  Well, duh! That's what makes life so fun. Think about it for a second. If the earth was full of nothing but men... How boring would that be. Women add spice and high heels to life, but that's just my opinion.  I thought he was referring to the fact that most women have a skinny side of the closet, a fat side of the closet and then somewhere in between side of the closet.... Because yes, things flucuate with us, can I get a witness. No, that wasn't what he was talking about, he just thought it was weird that I could be so sick and then come home and want to try on clothes. Well let's be honest, it's only because I was going down in the size of clothing I was trying on, had it been the opposite, I would have been sicker than a dog and wouldn't be trying on anything.  It's just one of those women things that men could never wrap their minds around in a billion years and exactly why we make things so interesting. So he watches me try on an armload of clothes (with much interest I might add), and to his utter joy (because the evening would not have gone well if nothing had fit), all of my old clothes fit.  No, I am no super model, never will be, but thank you Jesus I can finally pack the fat side of my closet into  totes and tuck them under the stairs.  Now I won't have to go buy all new clothes.... But come to think of it,  I still need to replace those jeans the EMT guys cut off of me and I do have a wedding to go to. Maybe a little shopping but certainly not a whole wardrobe :-)

The Color Purple - Popsicle Toes and Fingers

The one residual thing I was hoping wouldn't heal from the TBI is a return of my Reynaud's Syndrome. It's back :-( Purple hands and feet are now the color of my world. The one good side to the injury was my brain just didn't register hot/cold and the discomfort that comes from the extreme. After having to wear gloves at work sometimes, just so I could keep my hands warm enough to type, it was a welcome change. The different hues of red, white, blue and purple are part of healing I was was hoping wouldn't return. A guy in our office asked me the other day what was wrong with my arms... "Oh, I'm just blotchy", he didn't want to touch that one with a ten foot pole. But hey, I'm not complaining... Just happy to be here.

The Dark Dance

I went to get my nails done this week and my friend gave me a belated birthday present. Since I was still a little tacky (not attitude, just the nails), I asked her to open it for me because I couldn't wait to see what it was. She opened it up and it was a framed print that said...

Gosh!!! I got tears in my eyes and I just gave her the biggest hug because she couldn't have gotten me anything more perfect. I won't retell the story, if you wish to read it you can find it at....
http://tbirecovery4sp.blogspot.com/  Let's just say last year was a difficult year. In fact it was so clumsy and awkward it makes even my skiing look graceful in comparison. If you've ever been fortunate enough to see me ski, you would understand what a statement that truly is. My favorite ballet is the Nutcracker. I would go see it every Christmas if I could. Last year had it's ups and downs just like a ballet. It was a roller coaster of emotion, events and drama. I wish I had been a more graceful dancer, but then again if I were graceful, I wouldn't have a story to tell. As Momma would say, "It looked like a bull in a china cabinet." Looking back from this side, I realize more and more just how dark it was. Thankfully I wasn't left out on the dance floor alone and it wasn't the final act of the ballet. I stumbled into His arms last year and did a dark dance in the shelter of His love. I'm living in daylight now and yes, I'm ready to dance, but this time I think I'd rather break out the disco ball and boogie down.

Ecclesiastes 3:4

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance
  

The Sound of Music

Last week on our vacation was the first time in over a year that I had played the piano. I have dusted it, I had polished, but I hadn't played it since my injury. Last week  the piano bar must have broken the ice for me on that desire again. Last year my brain could barely remember my name, much less co-ordinate with my fingers to come up with anything related to music.  I promised my puppies would once again lounge in the living room with me lulling them to sleep. For some reason I always seemed to play while I was waiting. Waiting my for husband to get ready, waiting for him to get home, waiting for someone to pick me up.

Tonight I lay my beloved murder mystery aside and thought, maybe I'd play a song. When he walked in the door from work, I was just finishing a tune. He closed the door behind him as I rose from the piano bench, and he stopped where he was..... "Wow! It's been a long time since I've heard that sound" He said

"Heh, I thought I'd give it a whirl, see how it went."  He just smiled and walked out, but I could tell that little by little.... tiny parts of the person I used to be is still returning.... They're like little fragments of sand washing ashore. Who knows, maybe by this time next year, all of the little pieces of Jac will have returned and he'll have the old me back as a whole, good as new and as ornery too. I know he's missed that part the most.... LOL!!!!

Sleepless In Seattle... Just Getting Out of Bed

This may seem like a really dumb post to some, but it means something to me. If you don't "get it" then you probably aren't meant to "get it" and that's ok. It's my healing, and only my husband and I really understands what that means. Feel free to hit the delete button cause that's what it's there for:-)
This scene from Sleepless In Seattle never fails to move me, but especially last year. I hadn't lost my husband, but I did lose someone I was very close to.... Myself. Day after day I felt these words tumble around my mind... "Just get up Jac, act and react the way you remember you used to. Breathe in and out as if it was natural and at some point being natural will return. If you do it well enough, no one will see how lost you really are, and at some point, you will return." Several months after my injury, we had two people at our church speak about the tragic loss of their loved ones and how God had lead them through those dark times and used the experience to give hope to others. My oldest son sat on one side of me and my husband sat on the other side. Their testimonies were so powerful and moving till there wasn't a dry eye in the house... Well, maybe one... mine. The stirring of emotions had been, to a large part, stripped away since the injury. I sat through movies and commercials that would usually bring me to tears, and feel nothing. Not even a slight sting of recognition. It was a very unsettling feeling and one that left me feeling very isolated. My fear was that I would never genuinely
feel emotion again. With much prayer and time, I am happy to say those emotions are coming back and are at times in full force (just ask my husband). This Sunday the couple who had lost their only daughter spoke again. When I began to cry as they spoke I knew that another little piece of me had returned. I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to remind myself how I should react, those emotions were really there, sitting in my lap and rolling down my cheeks and it felt so good.

A Welcome Smile for 2011

New Year's Eve. Truly a time of reflection. Last year I walked the snow covered streets after everyone went to bed. The light of the Blue Moon cast a blue reflection upon the snow. I had no idea that the blue light that was cast upon the snow was in direct contrast to how dark 2010 would be.  Unlike others who merrily skip along the road of life in gaiety.... I didn't do much skipping this last year and at times I thought there would never be another joyful moment in my life. The key here is "at times". For the first several months of 2010 I felt as if I was treading water, just trying to keep my head above the waves and gasped for every breath I could get.... That was the first several months. As I've said before, regardless of how much you try to pretend something isn't happening, that does not negate the fact that yes it is indeed happening. That goes for every part of life, an injury or any other crisis we go through at different periods of our lives.  The last few months have been much more comfortable physically as the dizziness is completely gone. My headaches seem to linger but I do have days without them, the crickets are just as bad as they were from the beginning, but if that's the least of my problems, than I'm good. No, the second half of the year wasn't riddled with physical, it was riddled with the emotional aftermath of a good year gone very bad. The anguish reached the point where I had to seek help. I went to a therapist who has experience in head trauma and I am so glad I did. There was much relief in just knowing that everything I was going through, was very normal for head trauma patients. That's not to say there isn't some hormonal "crap" going on also since "I'm around that age" (I seriously want to punch people who bring that up), but for the most part the anxiety, the social withdrawal, and the emotional disconnect is very typical with a head trauma. If you want to add to that the difficulty in bracing myself for the empty nest (for some reason it's really hit me hard this year), and the hormonal changes that happen around this time of life, the decline of your parents physical and mental health, and the sheer joy of being an emotional woman, than you have what I would call all of the ingredients for the perfect storm. I was talking to my daughter the other day when I was terribly upset about a situation. I sobbed for DAYS! One night she called in the middle my sobfest and made a very good point. For months I had little to no emotion at all. Well I had sudden fits of crying for no reason, but as far as having feeling I really didn't.  The fact that I was indeed emotionally upset over a relationship to her seemed like a good sign. Sure my emotions were over the top, but at least I was genuinely feeling something.... and no, trust me I wasn't faking it and she knew I wasn't.  It's been a lot like when I had a c-section with my second child. As the muscles in my abdomen begin to heal, months after the surgery I would move just right and have a sudden searing burning beneath the incision. I could literally feel things fusing back together. Over the last several months I have had that same feeling except in my head and in my emotions. I thought I'd never say this but, I'd rather be cut open any time rather than go through this again. Aside from that, I got to travel to San Diego with good friends to welcome my daughter back from deployment. It was a moving opportunity and we had a great time in beautiful San Diego. I was thrilled when my oldest son went on a mission trip to Africa and enjoy hearing all about his adventures. Another milestone was passed when my baby boy turned 16..... Ah, it's sad to know that he is preening his wings to fly the coup when his time comes. I'm preparing myself for more than an almost empty nest.  My husband and I celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary, it's an accomplishment that few couples enjoy now days and it was a joyous event for us. So even though the year wasn't exactly as I would have liked for it to be, it wasn't all bad. Even the accident shed light on things that needed a new perspective.  I'm looking forward to 2011, it's like turning over a new leaf, it's the beginning of all things new, a fresh start, dawning of a new day, a time when all things are possible. I'm very thankful that throughout 2010 I have been held in a loving Father's arms. I've been surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends.... That in itself is a blessing and one I don't take lightly. So here's a toast to 2010 and a welcome smile for 2011.

When I Needed It Most

God can mend a broken heart but you have to give him all the pieces

I had to say goodbye to someone special this week. Someone who helped me sort through the shattered pieces of who I was. Together we sorted through the mess of the head injury as I tried desperately to make the pieces all fit into the old frame of a picture I had in my mind. It's been a process, it's been a journey.... a very lonely journey, but they made it seem possible. It's funny how you think the ones who will accompany you on a journey, aren't the ones that do. A door opens, and someone you never imagined walks through to hold your hand, comfort you, as they whisper the words..... "It's going to be ok." It's a special person who can say those words and actually make me believe it, but then I suppose that's why God sends them at the time he does. Just when I needed it most.

Outta the Rabbit Hole and Into the Light

"I forget what is behind me and reach out to what is ahead of me.

 Like a man running a race, I try hard to reach the line so that I will receive the prize. Because we belong to Christ Jesus, God is calling us to receive this prize that he has for us in heaven."

And so it begins....

     I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person! Not only do I feel each and every emotion, I feel them with an intensity that quiet frankly should be outlawed. Oh how I wish for a numbness to sweep over me so that emotions are just vague and understated. For the last 10 months and 26 days my emotions have been in hyper drive mode (in addition to my normal hyper drive personality). The doctors tell me it is normal but I assure you it does not feel normal. Today I have determined to not let my emotions rule me any longer. Yes, I may still be in healing mode and yes, there may be times when I can feel the fabric of my mind fusing together with hot iron intensity, but it is getting better and better it will be today!!!! Somewhere deep inside is the old me and I am determined to find her and bring her back. Some say it is out of my control but they dont' know how determined I am to feel like myself again. Who knew that a rabbit hole would cause so much inward pain while leaving the outside unscathed (typed as tears run down my cheeks)? I've tried hiding, it doesn't work. I've tried pretending (I'm really no good at it), I've tried medicating (take two pills and call me in the morning), the morning always comes (lather, rinse, repeat). So my new strategy (or is it strategery, LOL) is to forget (I've been really good at that the last few months), and reach out. Run the race like it's nobody's business, and make like a rabbit and jump out of the hole instead of crawling farther into the hole. Outta the rabbit hole and into the light.... Let's see how Alice does with that.

The Abbreviated Version of Laugh Out Loud

I had a really good day yesterday!!! I can't explain it. It makes no logical sense (like most everything else this year). But I had a really good day. I felt like my old feisty self, the mischievous one, the one quick to make a joke.  I really have missed that Jac the last few months. She has made brief appearances, but never stayed long. I keep thinking that one of these days she is going to be back to stay (yay!). Until that happens, I'll enjoy the sparkle when I can catch it in my eye, and on those days it's replaced by a tear, I'll just let it roll and look forward to the day when I laugh out loud for real and not just in the abbreviated version. Yeah, that's a day I look forward to.

I'll Take Mine With Sprinkles

When I go out to eat, I like to place my order the way I like it. If I like extra this, or extra that I tell them when I place my order, no big deal. If I want my extra on the side I tell to put my extra on the side. My husband always accuses me of being just like Sally on "When Harry Meets Sally"....
It's no big deal, I just want it the way I want it. I'm a people pleaser or at least I was a people pleaser. My husband says I'm a little more inclined to bluntness in the past several months or so (we call it BF... before the fall... almost makes it sound biblical, huh?). I'll have to say.... I agree with him (don't let it go to your head honey, I'll not make a habit of it).  Hmmm, I think the head injury stripped the gears on my "sugar coating" mechanism. I've always attempted to be as honest as possible with people (as I'm a people pleasing machine), but I 've always tried my best to be as diplomatic as possible. At least that's what I would have said 10 months ago. Today I would call being diplomatic nothing but beating around the bush which I totally have no use for now. I'm not eager to hurt anyones feelings but I really think the part of my brain that whitewashes the truth no longer exsist. I was talking to a friend the other day when this subject came up. She quickly informed me that she, in no way wanted people to honest with her. Uh uh, that was not for her! She said... "I will get my feelings hurt and I just don't want to know". 10 months ago I would have agreed with her 100%.  Let it be known, that although I realize that most people feel this way, the uncoated flakes just pop out of my mouth now before I have a chance to sprinkle any sweetness on it. Don't get me wrong, I don't blurt out rude comments all the time, but according to my husband and close friends, I have more of a tendency to matter of factly spit things out a little more eagerly than others can really appreciate (or apparently swallow). So.... I'm working on retraining my tongue to stop-drop-and-roll, because people like things with sprinkles... Make mine with double sprinkles.

My Scary Hole

I went out on a limb this weekend just to see how well I could balance my brain. Since the TBI  I have been experiencing sudden anxiety attacks especially when around crowds or when I'm around a loud environment. I really wanted to go on this weekend trip but I was terrified that if an anxiety hit me, there would be no place for me to hide until it passed. The trip was important to me for several reasons. It was a breast cancer walk and I was walking with one of my best friends who had breast cancer late last year. I knew it would be a fun time and I wanted to see how far I could push my boundaries with this fear thing. The anxiety has gotten so much better than it was a few months ago, but still it has a way of sneaking up from behind, catching me unaware. I am feeling so much better!! There are still a few things that need tweaking (patience would be one of those things).  Since the accident I've been pretty careful about putting myself in social settings and isolated myself for a variety of reasons. This weekend I thought I'd push through and see how it went. I made it through Friday night much better than expected even though there were a lot of people with us and the restaurant was very crowded.  My Son and his friends joined us for a while at the restaurant and I enjoyed getting to visit and catch up with him. Saturday morning went great. It was a sea of pink as far as the eye could see. It felt good to be a part of something positive and it felt good to see people whose loved ones had not come out on the winning end against the disease, being represented. About 3/4 way through the walk the stifling cloud caught up with me along with a raging headache... I had to get out of there before someone noticed the tears and the ragged breathing.I needed  just a few minutes alone to gain control before I could get back to my group and enjoy the rest of the walk. I ran back to the hotel, got something for my headache and took a few minutes to calm myself and reassure myself that the anxiety attacks, although inconvenient, were becoming less severe and soon they would pass altogether like most of the other symptoms. When I got back to the group I was fine, exhausted from the aftermath of overwhelming anxiety, but for the most part fine. A hole certainly would come in handy during these times.... A portable hole I could climb into that was lined with soft silky fir that would wrap around me like a warm blanket. Instead I climb back into cold hard reality and put one foot in front of the other until finally I'm back to my safe place.  When I got home my husband asked me how it went and I fell in his arms with tears rolling down my cheeks(he has gotten pretty used to this)..... "I just want the old Jac back, I want to be her again." He held me and assured me that she was coming back in little pieces every day and that I would just have to be patient. I told him I was pretty sure everyone was getting tired of my quirks and didn't understand the struggle. He said "Jac, when people hear what happened they expect for you to have some kind of visual scars they can see, you don't have any of those on the outside.... The damage was all inside. From the outside you look just as normal as if nothing has happened. You are better every day and you can't let these little episodes set you back." These episodes don't set me back, they terrify me! I become paralyzed with fear that they will never go away. I liked the person I was.... we were friends, I understood her. This new person can be hard to read, easy to offend, and has the patience of a gnat. I'm not crazy about this person and if she angers me I know she angers others. He continued to reassure me as he always does. He held me tight and suggested I take a nap(always a good idea). I'm not sure how I would have made it these last few months if it wasn't for my husband. He has been so supportive and loving, much more than I deserve. During this whole ordeal I've never felt like I was fighting alone, he has been beside me every step. When I get discouraged, he lifts me up. When I get overwhelmed, he carries the load, when I get scared he reassures me,when I fall into the black hole, he reaches in and helps me out, never judging,never criticizing. But most important of all, he loves me 100% unconditionally and never fails to calm my fears.

Things Are Fine

"Why do you feel the need to make jokes about it?" My Doctor asked with a serious look. My automatic response was... "I just thought if I acted fine and made jokes everyone would relax. If I did that enough I would actually be fine and everyone would be happy." Well, apparently that's because I'm a "Blue Personality"... I'm a fixer, a people pleaser and a caretaker. That may be true, but to be honest about it, I don't feel like I've done much fixing, pleasing, or care taking for several months. I agree that part of it stems from the head injury, but also, as I've gotten older I've just gotten fatigued by jumping through flaming hoops, (as I call it), to make everyone else's world okay. I talked to 3-4 friends last week who felt exactly the same way (we're all the same age.hmm) Is that what they call a mid-life crisis? No, in my opinion that's what they call being a woman, wife, mother, daughter, friend and employee. Women have to have a lot of "Blue" traits. If we didn't, our men would never find the catsup, our kids wouldn't make  it anywhere on time, our parents wouldn't have anyone to blame, our friends wouldn't have anyone to go shopping with and our employers would wonder around endlessly searching for documents that did not exist and therefore had not been filed. Seriously, after years of tying everyone's loose ends together, who wouldn't be a little frazzled and need a crisis to give them a little break? Throw a little PMS, peri-menopause, Alzheimer's, or dementia on top and say "Welcome to my life!" In fact I truly believe that if they did enough scientific research, they would find that women actually never have any of these aliments, it's just an excuse someone came up with to describe the times in a woman's life when she-has-had-enough and just shuts down! Experts blame it on our hormones, psychiatrist blame it on our childhood, but if the truth were known, it all boils down to the fact that after a certain age women just get tired! We get tired of doing.... Tired of fixing..... Tired of care taking.... And tired of being the "go to gal". There are tons of cartoons out there that help us laugh about the various aspects of being where some of us are.... Because whether it's a head injury, or a mid-life crisis, it makes us feel better if those around us are laughing. It makes us think that if we laugh long enough and hard enough we'll be alright. Because women feel they can handle just about anything as long as those around them think things are fine.

Looking Through New Eyes

I've had a great week! You can just tell that spring is on the verge of breaking. We've had a great winter, because we actually had winter weather. I've enjoyed seeing snowflakes and trees crystallized in ice. I've enjoyed sitting around the fireplace chatting with close friends. I even enjoyed being stuck in the house with no electricity. This winter will hold a lot of memories for me... memories that make me smile. Even though it's been a good winter I'm just as happy to see spring arrive in all it's wonder. The sun makes me want to get out in the yard and play in the dirt. It makes me want to blow bubbles into the breeze and watch them float away. Maybe it's because I've been in a brain fog for the last couple of months, but everything just seems... well... clearer than it has for a while and it feels so good. I feel like the old me has returned and the ornery streak is as bold as it has been for a good long time. I find laughter bubbling in my belly and the need to make others laugh as well (this is usually when I get myself into trouble)I just feel... well I feel happy. I feel like my joy has been restored and my vision has returned. Right now I'm looking at life through new eyes and it looks pretty darn good.

Someone Else's Shoes

I hate to be a big whine bag, but hey, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. I am one month, two weeks and two days past my fall. I sit here with a headache, barely able to move my neck and even after sleeping for 14 hours could most certainly go right back to bed and stay there all day. I am thankful however that yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I needed to go to bed at 5:05 in the evening. I willed myself to sit upright in my chair in front of my computer until 5. I walked in my front door practically stripping before I got to the kitchen. After throwing the pillows to the floor and pulling back the comforter, I literally fell in bed. My pillows never felt so good! To say I'm exhausted today is an understatement. I start physical therapy today and I am hoping that will help give me some range of motion back in my neck and shoulders. Who knows if I'm lucky it might even help my headaches (which aren't nearly as bad as they were). I've had a good attitude about this whole thing, but to be honest with you it's starting to wear on my nerves. When people ask me how I'm doing I'm quick to tell them much better. If my husband is standing nearby he kind of rolls his eyes and shakes his head like I've lost my peripheral vision and can't see what he's doing. He's been very protective of me which I appreciate because I'd be pushing the envelope a lot harder if I thought he'd let me get away with it. When I start to open my mouth I never know if my brain is going to kick in or not (I'm mean more so than usual before the fall). I'm still getting used to the look on peoples face as I stop mid-sentence to either remember what I'm talking about or searching frantically for the right word. The viewpoint from my end is kind of humorous because everyone has the same expression... Eyebrows raised, they kind of lean forward like what I'm fixing to say is extremely important and then there is just dead silence as the anticipation itself makes me even more bumfusseled. I find myself shying away from social activities where I'm not 100% comfortable. I have been missing break recently because I just don't follow conversations easily and God forbid if I try to say something and get all locked up. It's easier just to keep to myself than to have to explain my behavior. I'm at the point in work where I'm more focused but less sure of what's been going on for the last month. I'm terribly afraid that I have or I will let something slip by me. I keep reassuring myself that there probably isn't anything that I can screw up past the point of being fixed, but then I'm usually the exception to the rule with screw ups. After talking to several people who've experience similar injuries, I'm looking at only a few more weeks or a few more months of healing before things return to normal.... (or at least normal for me). The one thing I've learned is I need more patience with older people who suffer from memory problems. You truly don't know how lost they must feel until you've walked a few steps in their shoes. As for me, I'm ready to be back in my own shoes... preferably high heel pumps... very loud.... very gaudy... cause that's they way I like em.