Tidbits

http://www.brainline.org/content/2011/07/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know.htmlshare

I couldn't have said it better myself. It is so easy for me to become verbally overwhelmed these days. It seems like there are words, words, words being spoken by everyone and sometimes I just can't take it all in or sort it all out... I feel overwhelmed. If you add sights, sounds, and smells altogether, like at the State Fair, it doesn't take me long to shut down. On the way home from the fair (1.5 hr drive), I didn't speak, and I really didn't want to be spoken to because my brain was DONE. Brain Fatigue haunts me less and less, but it's still there. At times, I actually feel verbally accosted. When I am approached by someone with a sudden onslaught of words, it literally makes my brain hurt (not in a physical way). If I'm in a silent mode and someone begins a rapid conversation, my brain becomes stunned, like being aroused from a deep sleep. Silence is golden for me now... I crave silence and if you know me very well at all, you know this is unlike me, I am, or was a very social person. I know for a fact that at times I have come across as rude, aloof, or as the article says, that I am uninterested, but I'm really not trying to be. My immediate tendency is to retreat... As quickly as possible. My brain can only process so much at one time. This article explains it perfectly! BrainLine.org offers the tidbits that let me know that I'm not crazy... It is all in my head... Literally. I've highlighted what I struggle with the most. Any yes, in case you think I'm beating a dead horse to death, I'm really not. I don't seek your sympathy or attention, I seek understanding, for me and those I love and for others who struggle with a TBI. I have developed an amazing ability to hide my struggles and have become a gifted actress at portraying the one I once was, the one I remember myself to have been... Which is also exhausting. I try not to talk about it much, because I don't want the changes to define me, but it is important for people to know there is much more to a TBI or head injury than meets the eye. I am blessed beyond belief that I am here today, blogging my struggles so others will understand. TBI recovery is a dark, twisty, lonely road, but it is a road I am happy to be traveling because the alternative was more real than I like to think.


I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy. I get physical fatigue as well as a “brain fatigue.” It is very difficult and tiring for my brain to think, process, and organize. Fatigue makes it even harder to think.
My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside. Cognition is a fragile function for a brain injury survivor. Some days are better than others. Pushing too hard usually leads to setbacks, sometimes to illness.
Brain injury rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years. It continues long after formal rehabilitation has ended. Please resist expecting me to be who I was, even though I look better.
I am not being difficult if I resist social situations. Crowds, confusion, and loud sounds quickly overload my brain, it doesn’t filter sounds as well as it used to. Limiting my exposure is a coping strategy, not a behavioral problem.
If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation. That is because I have trouble following all the different “lines” of discussion. It is exhausting to keep trying to piece it all together. I’m not dumb or rude; my brain is getting overloaded!
If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! And it is not because I’m avoiding the subject, it’s just that I need time to process our discussion and “take a break” from all the thinking. Later I will be able to rejoin the conversation and really be present for the subject and for you.
Try to notice the circumstances if a behavior problem arises. “Behavior problems” are often an indication of my inability to cope with a specific situation and not a mental health issue. I may be frustrated, in pain, overtired or there may be too much confusion or noise for my brain to filter.
Patience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibit cognition.
Please listen to me with patience. Try not to interrupt. Allow me to find my words and follow my thoughts. It will help me rebuild my language skills.
Please have patience with my memory. Know that not remembering does not mean that I don’t care.
Please don’t be condescending or talk to me like I am a child. I’m not stupid, my brain is injured and it doesn’t work as well as it used to. Try to think of me as if my brain were in a cast.
If I seem “rigid,” needing to do tasks the same way all the time; it is because I am retraining my brain. It’s like learning main roads before you can learn the shortcuts. Repeating tasks in the same sequence is a rehabilitation strategy.
If I seem “stuck,” my brain may be stuck in the processing of information. Coaching me, suggesting other options or asking what you can do to help may help me figure it out. Taking over and doing it for me will not be constructive and it will make me feel inadequate. (It may also be an indication that I need to take a break.)
You may not be able to help me do something if helping requires me to frequently interrupt what I am doing to give you directives. I work best on my own, one step at a time and at my own pace.
If I repeat actions, like checking to see if the doors are locked or the stove is turned off, it may seem like I have OCD — obsessive-compulsive disorder — but I may not. It may be that I am having trouble registering what I am doing in my brain. Repetitions enhance memory. (It can also be a cue that I need to stop and rest.)
If I seem sensitive, it could be emotional liability as a result of the injury or it may be a reflection of the extraordinary effort it takes to do things now. Tasks that used to feel “automatic” and take minimal effort, now take much longer, require the implementation of numerous strategies and are huge accomplishments for me.
We need cheerleaders now, as we start over, just like children do when they are growing up. Please help me and encourage all efforts. Please don’t be negative or critical. I am doing the best I can.
Don’t confuse Hope for Denial. We are learning more and more about the amazing brain and there are remarkable stories about healing in the news every day. No one can know for certain what our potential is. We need Hope to be able to employ the many, many coping mechanisms, accommodations and strategies needed to navigate our new lives. Everything single thing in our lives is extraordinarily difficult for us now. It would be easy to give up without Hope.

As Simple as That

My daughter recently met a young man who had just returned from Afghanistan and who suffered a TBI while he was there. Not only has this man seen the atrocities of war, had close friends die before his eyes, but also struggles with the difficulties of recovering from a traumatic brain injury. I can't even imagine what he must be going through. As my daughter explained to me some of his behavior and some of methods he used to cope with the the aftermath of his injury, I found myself hurting for him and relating with his struggle. I'm not for one second suggesting that my situation was as devastating as his, but I can certainly understand a little of what he is going through. Today marks the 2 years, 7 months and 6th day of my journey. Without a doubt every step, every day has been a challenge and a hell that cannot fully be expressed with words. During dinner this weekend the subject of the injury came up. My daughter was on deployment when the injury occurred, and as my husband began to talk about that day, he went into greater detail than he had previously shared with her. She admitted that until she moved back to Oklahoma, she didn't fully understand the extent of how the injury had changed me.  She told me someone close had told her that I could simply recover from it, if I chose too. And herein lies the absolute helplessness someone who has had a TBI deals with on a daily basis. Not everyone suffers a personality change after a TBI, but those of us who do, would do anything within our power to get back the person we were before.  Imagine for a second, if suddenly most of your personal, emotional, and spiritual attachments disappeared.... Ceased to exist.  Imagine looking into the eyes of your children, your spouse, your parents, and your friends and not feeling any of the intrinsic connections to the most important people in your life.  The loss of some of your memory is one thing, but the loss of who you are is not something you can simply "Get over". Our sense of self is what connects us to our world, to each other and more importantly to ourselves, not to mention the spiritual connection to our God.  In the last couple of months, two of my children have been told by their counselors, that they must mourn the loss of the Mother they knew and embrace the woman I now am. The depth of the sorrow I feel for not being able to bring their old mother back, is a vortex of failure I will forever feel. When the movie "The Vow" came out, someone asked my husband if we had seen it. We watched the trailers on the computer and looked at each other and simply shook our heads no. We are walking this path and though it may make for a touching movie plot, we find no entertainment value in watching it played out on screen.  My therapist asked me a few weeks ago, what I missed about the old me.... "Oh, let me count the ways" Besides missing the feelings associated with my most important attachments, I miss knowing how I would react to any number of given circumstances. I miss trusting myself. I miss being a "fix it" person. I miss my compassion, empathy and passion. I miss knowing that I KNOW who I am and what makes me tick and I miss liking myself. I miss feeling the presence of my God, the spiritual moving of him in my soul and the feeling of being at one with him and myself. I miss dreaming with expectation of those dreams coming true and miss the joy I found in life itself.  The first few weeks and months after the injury seemed like one long out of body experience. Slowly but surely my mind came back to my body, but not entirely. I still get the sense that I am watching my life from afar without the means to return fully to that which I was. That being said, I am better than I was. I operate not on instinct, but from drawing on the remnant of who I used to be and I still hold onto the hope that some day I will return to being that person and leaving the new me for the familiar comfort of the me I knew and loved so well. Until then, I am on auto pilot, or an actress playing the part of me. Some days I'm not sure where this plane is headed, or how long I can continue the roller coaster ride.  Yes, if I could I would "Get over it", but sadly, it's not as simple as that. My salvation has been those who continue to love the new me as if nothing has changed. It's for those people that I desperately dig the depths of my soul to bring myself back to the surface.

The Eye of the Storm

My daughter called me last night in a frantic mess. She was stuck in traffic in a terrible storm with reported tornadoes. The hardest thing as a mother is to know your child is in danger and know you simply can't get to them... I've felt that way a lot in the 7 years she has been in the Navy. While I worked at calming her down, her dad was looking at the radar trying to pinpoint exactly where she was in relation to the reported tornado. She called me back when she made it home safely... Whew! When we went to bed my husband took

one last look at Facebook and saw a picture of our son and his fiance huddled together in the tub... He had a grin the size of Texas, she looked terrified. If the picture had been taken a year ago, he would have been out chasing the storms, trying to get a good look at what was going on. That's what love does for you, it changes your perspective and makes you aware of emotions that aren't necessarily your own. So, while my neighbors, family and friends spent the night huddled in their bathtubs and around their television sets watching the good ole Oklahoma weather which can rip you a new one in a New York second, I slept like a baby after a warm bath. I drifted off to the sound of hail pelting the windows, wind whipping the trees and with the knowledge there was a good chance the basement was flooding. It's not because I have a brave heart, nor is my faith so great as to have no fear, but rather I've brushed up against death and know that you can be in the eye of the storm and not know it because danger is lurking around every corner and often is hidden in plain sight. Every second of life has the potential to be just as dangerous as the next,regardless of how it looks. Life is too short to live it fussing and fretting, stewing and stowing things you can't change. Trust me on this, you are just as protected when things look really bad, as you are when you feel all safe, warm and cozy. Storm or no storm, it's all in His control. Knowing it's all the same has helped me worry less and sleep more. Ahh, even the darkest of clouds have a shadow of a silver lining.

Warning Label for Blogs

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about the medication we both are taking to help us sleep. I haven't had a good night sleep without the assistance of something since I gave birth to my first child, so that's only 28 years. You just get so used to sleeping with one eye open (which is really creepy if someone happens to be watching you sleep) and one ear open for all those things Moms get carried away about after you have children. We were laughing about things we had done while under the influence of our medication and how our husbands tend to get offended about things we say, or don't say, remember or don't remember. The other day my husband was acting all pouty and finally I asked him what was wrong (because I hold sole ownership of poutiness in this relationship). He told me he was a little hurt about something I had said a few nights before. Well, it was just silly, because I would never say that and I don't remember saying it so I shouldn't be held responsible. Let me add, if the tables were turned on that situation, this blog would have a whole different tone than it does today... Nough said bout that! I've blogged before about my tendency to sleep eat... No I'm not kidding I actually sleep eat and when I do I tend to eat A LOT!!! You know those silly warnings they add to the end of a commercial about a medication... Sometimes those warnings are for real. This is the warning that comes with my sleep medicine...

"Rarely, after taking this drug, people have gotten out of bed and driven vehicles while not fully awake ("sleep-driving"). People have also sleepwalked, prepared/eaten food, made phone calls, or had sex while not fully awake. Often, these people do not remember these events. This problem can be dangerous to you or to others. If you find out that you have done any of these activities after taking this medication, tell your doctor right away. Your risk is increased if you use alcohol or other medications that can make you drowsy while taking (insert name of med here)."

And yes,I have experienced more than one of those "rare" side-effects but this isn't a tell-all blog (it's an almost tell-all blog) so you'll just have to figure the rest out on your own, or better yet, use your imagination:-) The one thing the label doesn't warn about is sleep blogging. This my dear friends truly is a serious and possibly deadly side effect. The year after my injury I blogged a lot more often than I do now. It was for me what art is for others who are recovering from an illness or in my case a TBI. It wasn't necessarily healing for others, but it was great therapy for me. My husband made checking my blog his top priority in the mornings and on more than one occasion he would wake me up and have me delete, delete, delete or edit the heck out of something I had written in the middle of the night. I'm way better now about sleep blogging (although he still checks me out first thing in the morning)... Hmm, he reads my blog first thing too (LOL, you know that's funny)! I've learned not to generalize post so friends don't assume I'm talking about them when really I'm not. I sometimes link my post to a friend, if I really am talking about them or text them and wait for their approval. Also I've learned that dark, twisty poetry may be therapeutic, because well... It just is, but it can only be dissected by the person who writes it otherwise it becomes logical which totally ruins the whole point of poetry coming from a mind that is frantically trying to heal. I have a friend who is a lawyer, and think I should have him write up a contract so if I'm doing something that is absolutely bloggable, I can have whoever I'm doing it with (assuming I'm awake and conscious of what I'm doing) sign it so I can blog about it and they can't get mad at me for blogging embarrassing stuff. Instead I just created my own warning label...

Note: This post has been approved by all person/persons to whom it is directly related.

What Is That in The Driveway?!?!?

Yesterday I had one of those most embarrassing "You're a bad Mom" moments. I've had a lot of those over the last 28 years. I was sitting at break enjoying a game of brick breaker on my cell phone, listening to my co-workers chat about this and that. I wasn't paying close attention, just enough attention to add my wisdom when and where I thought it seemed appropriate (so mostly I was sitting there with my mouth shut). The subject turned to school activities, when one of the girls asked me what grade my youngest was going to be next year. hmmm, uhhh, regardless of how hard I thought, I couldn't remember. Than one of them asked... "Was last year his first year of high school?" I know I had to have looked stunned when I said... "I don't remember anything about his school year last year." and they certainly looked stunned. Hey! I was trying to recover from that stupid head injury! The rest of the afternoon I sat at my desk trying to dig out some remnant of memory I had about school last year. Notta, zip, zilch! And The World's Worst Mother Award goes to...... Me. On their death beds Mothers are suppose to remember every pet name you had for every little thing. They are suppose to remember the month, hour and second of when you got your first hair cut and have snippets of hair with details of the event written up and preserved for your childrens childrens children to read. Any yes, Moms are suppose to remember what grade you are currently in regardless of how much of their brain is or isn't functioning. That's just what is expected of good Moms (insert pouty face here). When I replayed break for my husband after work, he wrapped his arms around me and tenderly assured me that I was a good Mom (in spite of my pitiful memory... my words not his). This morning I hesitated at the breakfast table while I was on my way out the door. I reminded my husband that our baby boy (who is currently a sophomore in high school), would be headed to Oklahoma City to work with his brother at The Plant Stand after school, and that he would be gone all weekend. This is his first out of town trip by himself and I am a little uncertain about it. He carefully ran over all the reasons why everything would be fine and why this would be a good experience, then asked me what I thought.... "Well, I don't even think he should be allowed to drive because he's just a little baby.... That's what I think!" He laughed and said it did seem like just yesterday when he would pick him up from daycare and give him little Star Wars characters as an afternoon surprise. He's growing up and we have to start letting go. "Fine, just fine!" I thought as I walked out the front door. I may not be the best Mom in the world but I'm pretty certain that if I lay prostrate in the driveway so he would either have to run over me to leave or just stay home this weekend, that he likes me enough not to floorboard it and plow over my pitiful self. But then again, I'm not really certain I should take that chance. Ugh, being a Mom.... even a mediocre Mom is difficult.

Walking In the Shade

 

"False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade."
Christian N. Bovee

 A friend on facebook posted this quote the other day. It immediately jumped out at me because I wasn't just in the shade last year, I was completely in the dark. I can honestly say nothing will teach you about being judged, critiqued or deserted like walking in the dark places for a time. You can't really blame others when you take a sharp turn with your personality and actions, but it still stings and makes you realize that most friendship are of the conditional nature. My journey has made me take a step back and take a good look at my judgments toward others. If I can't love in the dark times as well as the light times, what good is my love? If I can't offer companionship during the times of difficulty, why offer it at all? I don't want to be a good times only friend, I want to be a through thick or thin friend. When the seas of life get rough and you lose your way, that's when you need the life vest of a true friend wrapped around you. It really is possible to love someone without agreeing with everything they do. It seems like the position of choice is to stand outside the shaded areas until they wonder back into the light instead of going into the darkness and being a light which points them back to the sun (or should I Son).The other day a good friend (who I take particular pride in harassing) said.... "Yep, the old Jac is back." He had know idea how much that meant to me; it literally brought tears to my eyes. I can't even explain the difficulty of the path back, nor the lessons learned while I was there. Walking in the shade isn't fun, but it is very enlightening. It certainly made me look at things (and people) much differently. 

 "Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light."
Norman B. Rice

 

 

When I Needed It Most

God can mend a broken heart but you have to give him all the pieces

I had to say goodbye to someone special this week. Someone who helped me sort through the shattered pieces of who I was. Together we sorted through the mess of the head injury as I tried desperately to make the pieces all fit into the old frame of a picture I had in my mind. It's been a process, it's been a journey.... a very lonely journey, but they made it seem possible. It's funny how you think the ones who will accompany you on a journey, aren't the ones that do. A door opens, and someone you never imagined walks through to hold your hand, comfort you, as they whisper the words..... "It's going to be ok." It's a special person who can say those words and actually make me believe it, but then I suppose that's why God sends them at the time he does. Just when I needed it most.

Outta the Rabbit Hole and Into the Light

"I forget what is behind me and reach out to what is ahead of me.

 Like a man running a race, I try hard to reach the line so that I will receive the prize. Because we belong to Christ Jesus, God is calling us to receive this prize that he has for us in heaven."

And so it begins....

     I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person! Not only do I feel each and every emotion, I feel them with an intensity that quiet frankly should be outlawed. Oh how I wish for a numbness to sweep over me so that emotions are just vague and understated. For the last 10 months and 26 days my emotions have been in hyper drive mode (in addition to my normal hyper drive personality). The doctors tell me it is normal but I assure you it does not feel normal. Today I have determined to not let my emotions rule me any longer. Yes, I may still be in healing mode and yes, there may be times when I can feel the fabric of my mind fusing together with hot iron intensity, but it is getting better and better it will be today!!!! Somewhere deep inside is the old me and I am determined to find her and bring her back. Some say it is out of my control but they dont' know how determined I am to feel like myself again. Who knew that a rabbit hole would cause so much inward pain while leaving the outside unscathed (typed as tears run down my cheeks)? I've tried hiding, it doesn't work. I've tried pretending (I'm really no good at it), I've tried medicating (take two pills and call me in the morning), the morning always comes (lather, rinse, repeat). So my new strategy (or is it strategery, LOL) is to forget (I've been really good at that the last few months), and reach out. Run the race like it's nobody's business, and make like a rabbit and jump out of the hole instead of crawling farther into the hole. Outta the rabbit hole and into the light.... Let's see how Alice does with that.

I'll Take Mine With Sprinkles

When I go out to eat, I like to place my order the way I like it. If I like extra this, or extra that I tell them when I place my order, no big deal. If I want my extra on the side I tell to put my extra on the side. My husband always accuses me of being just like Sally on "When Harry Meets Sally"....
It's no big deal, I just want it the way I want it. I'm a people pleaser or at least I was a people pleaser. My husband says I'm a little more inclined to bluntness in the past several months or so (we call it BF... before the fall... almost makes it sound biblical, huh?). I'll have to say.... I agree with him (don't let it go to your head honey, I'll not make a habit of it).  Hmmm, I think the head injury stripped the gears on my "sugar coating" mechanism. I've always attempted to be as honest as possible with people (as I'm a people pleasing machine), but I 've always tried my best to be as diplomatic as possible. At least that's what I would have said 10 months ago. Today I would call being diplomatic nothing but beating around the bush which I totally have no use for now. I'm not eager to hurt anyones feelings but I really think the part of my brain that whitewashes the truth no longer exsist. I was talking to a friend the other day when this subject came up. She quickly informed me that she, in no way wanted people to honest with her. Uh uh, that was not for her! She said... "I will get my feelings hurt and I just don't want to know". 10 months ago I would have agreed with her 100%.  Let it be known, that although I realize that most people feel this way, the uncoated flakes just pop out of my mouth now before I have a chance to sprinkle any sweetness on it. Don't get me wrong, I don't blurt out rude comments all the time, but according to my husband and close friends, I have more of a tendency to matter of factly spit things out a little more eagerly than others can really appreciate (or apparently swallow). So.... I'm working on retraining my tongue to stop-drop-and-roll, because people like things with sprinkles... Make mine with double sprinkles.

My Scary Hole

I went out on a limb this weekend just to see how well I could balance my brain. Since the TBI  I have been experiencing sudden anxiety attacks especially when around crowds or when I'm around a loud environment. I really wanted to go on this weekend trip but I was terrified that if an anxiety hit me, there would be no place for me to hide until it passed. The trip was important to me for several reasons. It was a breast cancer walk and I was walking with one of my best friends who had breast cancer late last year. I knew it would be a fun time and I wanted to see how far I could push my boundaries with this fear thing. The anxiety has gotten so much better than it was a few months ago, but still it has a way of sneaking up from behind, catching me unaware. I am feeling so much better!! There are still a few things that need tweaking (patience would be one of those things).  Since the accident I've been pretty careful about putting myself in social settings and isolated myself for a variety of reasons. This weekend I thought I'd push through and see how it went. I made it through Friday night much better than expected even though there were a lot of people with us and the restaurant was very crowded.  My Son and his friends joined us for a while at the restaurant and I enjoyed getting to visit and catch up with him. Saturday morning went great. It was a sea of pink as far as the eye could see. It felt good to be a part of something positive and it felt good to see people whose loved ones had not come out on the winning end against the disease, being represented. About 3/4 way through the walk the stifling cloud caught up with me along with a raging headache... I had to get out of there before someone noticed the tears and the ragged breathing.I needed  just a few minutes alone to gain control before I could get back to my group and enjoy the rest of the walk. I ran back to the hotel, got something for my headache and took a few minutes to calm myself and reassure myself that the anxiety attacks, although inconvenient, were becoming less severe and soon they would pass altogether like most of the other symptoms. When I got back to the group I was fine, exhausted from the aftermath of overwhelming anxiety, but for the most part fine. A hole certainly would come in handy during these times.... A portable hole I could climb into that was lined with soft silky fir that would wrap around me like a warm blanket. Instead I climb back into cold hard reality and put one foot in front of the other until finally I'm back to my safe place.  When I got home my husband asked me how it went and I fell in his arms with tears rolling down my cheeks(he has gotten pretty used to this)..... "I just want the old Jac back, I want to be her again." He held me and assured me that she was coming back in little pieces every day and that I would just have to be patient. I told him I was pretty sure everyone was getting tired of my quirks and didn't understand the struggle. He said "Jac, when people hear what happened they expect for you to have some kind of visual scars they can see, you don't have any of those on the outside.... The damage was all inside. From the outside you look just as normal as if nothing has happened. You are better every day and you can't let these little episodes set you back." These episodes don't set me back, they terrify me! I become paralyzed with fear that they will never go away. I liked the person I was.... we were friends, I understood her. This new person can be hard to read, easy to offend, and has the patience of a gnat. I'm not crazy about this person and if she angers me I know she angers others. He continued to reassure me as he always does. He held me tight and suggested I take a nap(always a good idea). I'm not sure how I would have made it these last few months if it wasn't for my husband. He has been so supportive and loving, much more than I deserve. During this whole ordeal I've never felt like I was fighting alone, he has been beside me every step. When I get discouraged, he lifts me up. When I get overwhelmed, he carries the load, when I get scared he reassures me,when I fall into the black hole, he reaches in and helps me out, never judging,never criticizing. But most important of all, he loves me 100% unconditionally and never fails to calm my fears.

Compensating For Crickets and Reading Your Lips

It's like a warm summer's eve in my head all the time. Since my injury I have the constant sound of crickets and locust singing in my ears. LOL!!! That almost makes it sound poetic doesn't it? I went to the Dr. the other day and she asked me how my crickets were sounding and how my hearing was doing. Honestly, that's probably the one thing that has not gotten any better at all. I catch myself saying "Huh?" a lot, or "What did you say?" When all else fails, I lean in a little closer and focus on peoples lips. I told her it was amazing how many people speak without moving their lips very much. She kind of laughed and said "I wondered if you knew you were doing that." Then she told me that she had noticed that instead of making eye contact, I watch her lips a lot. Ugh, and I thought I was being so sly! I find it interesting how we humans learn to compensate for our shortcomings and how sometimes we don't even realize we're compensating until someone points it out. Kind of makes me want to do a quick examination to see what else I'm compensating for.... God knows I've got plenty of shortcomings besides my crickets:-)

My Little Corner of the World

The other night my husband I scurried around moving bedroom furniture. I was tired of feeling like I'd been ran over by a freight train in the mornings and I desperately felt like I needed a new bed. Also, my husband has been working furiously on my Son's old room and got it finished. I thought it would be nice if we had a bed for our Son or Daughter to actually sleep in when they come home so...... SHOPPING TRIP!!! I know, I know, I'm on a budget, but there was money in the envelope. The only furniture store here in town was "QUITTING BUSINESS" (Which is so unusual for a furniture store),so I went for it! I mean the sign said "EVERYTHING MUST GO"... That sale just had my name written all over it.So in preparation for the delivery, we moved things around a little since my husband wasn't going to be able to be there when they brought the furniture. Our house is somewhat of a challenge when it comes to moving things around because it's all twisty and curvy inside with stairs and nooks, and crannies. I actually had to have a furniture store take a couch back one time because they couldn't get it around a corner and up the stairs and around another corner.... even after knocking a hole in my plastered walls (little bit of a rabbit trail there, huh?). In the living room in a little nook area we have Sailor's kennel..... very large kennel, as Sailor is a very large dog (175+lbs). When we leave the house, we tell her to go get in her bed and she goes to the kennel, turns around and waits for her treat before settling in. Since her kennel sticks out a little we thought we should move it so they would have room to maneuver the twisty, curvy stairs. We placed it in the middle of the dining room. The delivery guy called me at work and asked for me to meet him at the house so I left, put Sailor out so she could get some fresh air while they set up the furniture. After they left and I was preparing to go back to work I let her in, gave her a drink and told her to go get in her bed. She went over the stairs to her little nook and stood in the corner like "Here I am, this is my spot, all treats will be accepted." I stood over in the dining room next to her kennel and pleaded for her to get in her actually kennel,where it was actually at at this minute. She hung her face low to the ground and looked up at me with those big sad amber eyes as if to say "I don't like the change you have made. Please just let me stay in my corner where I'm comfortable." She was breaking my heart and I had to get to work! I walked over to her and assured her we would get everything put back the way it belonged tonight when I got home. I lead her over to her kennel and she reluctantly got in with that pathetic pout.Last night I came home from running errands with both hands full and a 50lbs purse (very cute purse I might add) dangling from my arm. All of the lights were off in the living room and dining room and I was walking full steam ahead for the dining room table where I habitually leave my purse... Except I had forgotten that we hadn't yet moved the kennel back in it's place and the lower half of my body collided with that large wire kennel. This morning I got up feeling great except for the fact that my kneecap feels somewhat disconnected from my knee. It's been a rough year, but every day during the last two months life has just gotten better and better.... Things are going back to normal (I mean normal in terms of Jackie world). I'm not one of those people who dread change, I find change exciting, but even I'll have to admit that I feel a lot like Sailor. I'm just ready to get back in my nook where things are comfortable. I'm enjoying the peaceful easy feeling I've had the last few weeks. I don't know, maybe my mind is reconnecting with my body finally. I will say I feel more together than I have in 9 months. That's got to be a good thing. Don't get me wrong, it's good to get out of your comfort zone once in a while, but after being out of mine for 9 months it feels really good to be back in my nook, and to start recognizing my world again and feeling like maybe I'm a part of it..... At least in my little corner of the world.

Slivers of Me

To say that the last six months have been challenging would be an understatement. I realize that I'm not recovering from some deadly disease,but I certainly have been recovering. When the doctors told me in January that it could take 6 months to a year for me to recover from the head injury I suffered New Year's Day, I absolutely blew them and everyone else off. There was no way I was going to let this slow me down for a few weeks, much less a few months. Just to prove my point I hopped out of bed a few days after, at 5 o'clock in the morning like have been doing for years, and headed to the gym, that didn't work out so well so the next week I tried it again, and again, and again. To date I still haven't made it to the gym more than two days in one week but I'm working on it.Every night I've come home at 5 o'clock in the evening, determined to enjoy my family, maybe cook a little dinner, play with my dogs, only to collapse in a heap on the bed with barely enough energy to change clothes. It's taken every ounce of physical, emotional and mental energy I have to go to work every day, stay as current on possible with the piles on my desk, interact normally with those around me, while covering up my struggles with my hair-brained wit and jokes. To a large extent I've been successful at maintaining.... only those closest to me see the changes, but there have been moments of severe meltdowns from the stress of feeling overwhelmed by my inability to really feel normal.This week has been different. I never thought I would brag about my ability to stay up past 8 o'clock but brag I will.... And Praise The Lord I'm able to do so!!!!! This has been the first week (except for my few days in California), that I have come home from work, cooked, cleaned, went for walks and actually, intentionally, stayed up late just to see if I could. I did it!!!! I had a normal life this week. No headaches, only one day with bad neck pain and a few dizzy days (I call those my blond days), but this is a huge accomplishment for me. Last night I stayed up late making cookies to take to my Son who is leaving for Kenya tomorrow. Today I had to make a 30 min. trip on my lunch hour to pick up my youngest son. When I got to the house I only had 30 min. to spare but I decided to throw some stuff together to make some brownies to add to the cookies. As I was leaving the house to go back to work I thought "OOOOhhh-My-Gosh!!!!! I feel like a super Mom! I've stayed up late every night, I've cooked, I've cleaned and I even made brownies on my lunch hour!!!! I'm coming back, I see little slivers of Jackie starting to materialize right before my eyes!!!!! This may not be a big deal to anyone else, but it is not only a very big deal to me..... But also a huge,ginormous blessing and I am more grateful than words can express. I can hear it now.... "Oh no! She's coming back."

Just Ask Cinderella

Last weekend I hunted furiously for my Mojo. I looked all over the house while I cleaned, I scoured every pond and sand pit at the golf course, only, only, only to come up Mojoless. It's a sad state of being when your Mojo suddenly goes missing. My husband even called the Neurologist this week to inquire about my Mojo status. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately depending how you look at it, losing your Mojo after recovery from a head injury is what they call.... "Hitting the wall". I'll have to say that term fits how I feel exactly. I feel like I took several steps forward in March only to fall several steps behind at the beginning of April. What the heck? I'll have to admit that I've been in a bit of despair this week because I'm absolutely sick of hearing.... "It will take a few months"! Meanwhile, life and spring is passing me by as I muddle through the fog of each day. I grapple with guilt every day for feeling like a burden to my family, causing them stress and just for not just being my old self. I feel like I'm grabbing for answers and solutions only to come up empty handed. Not to be a whine bag but to top it off my husband and I faced a very personal, spiritual dilemma this week that left both of us feeling hmmmm, like a disposable outcast. I know those feeling will pass, but still not exactly what we needed right now. So now the weekend looms before me and I am determined once again not to drown in this quicksand of trial I find myself in. I am going to pull myself out, try to focus on the positive and find that dadgum Mojo. If that doesn't work.... I'll go shopping for a new pair of heels.... cause new shoes can make all the difference. If you don't believe me just ask Cinderella. That girl has the scoop!

Someone Else's Shoes

I hate to be a big whine bag, but hey, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. I am one month, two weeks and two days past my fall. I sit here with a headache, barely able to move my neck and even after sleeping for 14 hours could most certainly go right back to bed and stay there all day. I am thankful however that yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I needed to go to bed at 5:05 in the evening. I willed myself to sit upright in my chair in front of my computer until 5. I walked in my front door practically stripping before I got to the kitchen. After throwing the pillows to the floor and pulling back the comforter, I literally fell in bed. My pillows never felt so good! To say I'm exhausted today is an understatement. I start physical therapy today and I am hoping that will help give me some range of motion back in my neck and shoulders. Who knows if I'm lucky it might even help my headaches (which aren't nearly as bad as they were). I've had a good attitude about this whole thing, but to be honest with you it's starting to wear on my nerves. When people ask me how I'm doing I'm quick to tell them much better. If my husband is standing nearby he kind of rolls his eyes and shakes his head like I've lost my peripheral vision and can't see what he's doing. He's been very protective of me which I appreciate because I'd be pushing the envelope a lot harder if I thought he'd let me get away with it. When I start to open my mouth I never know if my brain is going to kick in or not (I'm mean more so than usual before the fall). I'm still getting used to the look on peoples face as I stop mid-sentence to either remember what I'm talking about or searching frantically for the right word. The viewpoint from my end is kind of humorous because everyone has the same expression... Eyebrows raised, they kind of lean forward like what I'm fixing to say is extremely important and then there is just dead silence as the anticipation itself makes me even more bumfusseled. I find myself shying away from social activities where I'm not 100% comfortable. I have been missing break recently because I just don't follow conversations easily and God forbid if I try to say something and get all locked up. It's easier just to keep to myself than to have to explain my behavior. I'm at the point in work where I'm more focused but less sure of what's been going on for the last month. I'm terribly afraid that I have or I will let something slip by me. I keep reassuring myself that there probably isn't anything that I can screw up past the point of being fixed, but then I'm usually the exception to the rule with screw ups. After talking to several people who've experience similar injuries, I'm looking at only a few more weeks or a few more months of healing before things return to normal.... (or at least normal for me). The one thing I've learned is I need more patience with older people who suffer from memory problems. You truly don't know how lost they must feel until you've walked a few steps in their shoes. As for me, I'm ready to be back in my own shoes... preferably high heel pumps... very loud.... very gaudy... cause that's they way I like em.

Pillow Top Princess

As a woman I have the need to feel in control. I'm not a control freak but I like to think I have things "taken care of". Since New Year's Day I haven't felt in control at all. A terrible fall has left me with a fuzzy head, terrible headaches, a stiff neck and a little disconnected to the world around me. The fatigue has been overwhelming!! I am able to work all day but by 5:15 I am snuggling under the comforter with my kitty held tightly to my chest. My husband has been a saint!!! He brings me dinner in bed, has kept the kitchen clean and hoovered over me like a mother hen. Sometimes I pretend to get a little aggravated with him but it's not really him, it's my body I'm a little mad at. I might be able to handle being "down" for a couple of days but geez, this has rocked on for almost 4 weeks. One of the more disturbing aspects of having a concussion is the memory, or shall I say lack of it. I can be in mid-sentence and totally drift off into another dimension, only to drift back in a couple of seconds later. Today I was in Walmart headed for the item I needed to purchase when I completely forgot where I was going, I mean the object was practically in front of me. It makes me feel loopy or loopier than usual! I'm really hoping people haven't noticed the vacant look I get sometimes when I'm trying to remember what I'm doing and why I'm here. Oh well, time heals all wounds. I'm ready to get my groove back, find my mojo and get back in the swing of things. Until then I guess I'll just play pillow top princess and enjoy the perks of the predicament.

A Memory That's Meant To Be Captured.

I've been scrapbooking as a hobby before scrapbooking was cool. When I was in highschool you couldn't really buy scrapbooking stuff so I just used what I could find... old greeting cards, stuff like that. Several years ago I decided to get caught up on my scraping so I began with my wedding and worked my way up to present day. It was a long, happy, sad, expensive process. Since then I've tried to keep up with my memories and work on capturing more. My boys are not posers, they hate posing for family pics and would just like for me to put-the-camera-away! I know they don't understand it, but those scrapbooks are precious memories just waiting be be reviewed.....

A couple of years ago we had 2 major floods within a couple of weeks. I had stored my scrapbooks in plastic totes and placed them in the basement because there were so many of them. The totes would have been perfect if they hadn't began to float and then fall over causing several of the lids to pop off ruining years and years of memories. That was a heartbreaking loss!!! Nevertheless there are more memories to be captured and I make sure to try to capture them all. New Year's Day is one of my favorite holidays. The reason it is so special is because we spend the entire day with our friends and their kids playing games, eating, laughing and telling stories. We start planning next year the evening of New Year's Day and look forward to it ALL YEAR LONG. This year I brought both of my cameras along with my tripod. I always try to get a few group shots before the end of the day (that's is without a doubt all of the guys favorite part of the day). Almost everyone was there when we arrived. A bunch of people were in the den watching T.V., the kids were in the cellar playing video games while the women were... you got it, around the kitchen table just talking. My friends house is really cute. They have done a lot of work on it including building a sitting room over the cellar. In the cellar her teenager has a "Man Cave" where the kids play video games. It's really neat because the cellar door is flush with the floor, it's almost like having a hidden door in the library. Since we had so much food there was a table in the sitting room with desserts and drinks... just to make things flow better. The cellar door was open and kids had been running up and down and occasionally an adult male would wonder down then come back up thinking to themselves..... that's a really neat "Man Cave", I mean it was written all over their face (truly they never grow up). Okay, bare with me cause this is where things get fuzzy and I'm going on here say. Apparently I decided to quench my thirst so I got up and mosied over to the drink table at which time I felt I needed to add something to the conversation going on at the kitchen table. Unfortunately I turned around to add my two cents and when I did I stepped into the gaping hole in the floor where the "Man Cave" happened to be. The fall must have been quite a tumble because I remember none of it. Next thing I vaguely remember is pain and people around me but mostly just pain. What I know from what I'm told is I was taken to the local hospital where they did test and stuff that annoy you (like cutting off your favorite jeans and your Victoria Secret under things... said with much bitterness) when you don't feel well and then they shipped me to the City. I'm not really sure where the camera comes into play here but I'm thinking that maybe it was in the City because I don't think anyone was interested in capturing anything up until that point. The best thing about having best friends is they are the Best!! They know you and they know what you like and don't like. The Girls went to my house to get clothes for me and most importantly they got my make-up tool box (yes it seriously takes that much work to make me presentable). When I got to the hospital in the City one of them, knowing I would insist on capturing the moment had I been conscious, brought a camera. First of all this is one New Year's Day that none of us will forget, even those of us who don't really remember it. Second of all, it is what I would have wanted. I don't remember them putting my lip gloss on me (that is a true friend that won't even take a picture of you without your lip gloss on) but I do remember one of the nurses or doctors telling my friend, who was holding the camera, that she couldn't believe she had her posing for a picture. I'm glad she did! She got some really good shots of everyone spending their New Year's Day in the waiting room and some really bad shots of me looking exactly like death warmed over (seriously warmed over). I have a tendency to make light of almost everything. There isn't hardly anything that should be taken too seriously. My husband however, does not feel the same. He hasn't appreciated me making light of my near death experience but like I tell him "I'm still here, I haven't gone anywhere". He vows however that this is not something he will ever look back on with any humor, "because I thought you were dead in my arms". They kept me over night and let me go home in the morning. I do remember getting a call from the Girls who had spent the night in the City, asking me what kind of Starbucks I wanted. You betcha! They knew exactly how to perk me up and get me going again. One of my Girls asked me the other day if I remember asking her in the ER if she had a penis. Nope, I certainly don't recall that. She said she told me that the reason I was alive was because "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, James 5:16) and she had been praying really hard. That was my response...."Do you have a penis I don't know about?". She said she did but not to tell her husband cause he hadn't found it yet! I don't care who you are that's funny and it's all is a memory meant to be captured. I'm pretty sure I've gotten all the crapy stuff behind me for this year and nothing but smooth sailing ahead. Happy New Year!!! Go out and make some memories.