Offendable Spirit?

I often wonder if tightly wound people realize what a joy they would be if they'd just lighten up a little. You know that moment when you attempt to bring a little lighthearted humor to a conversation (usually with a dash of sarcasm) the room stills as the oxygen is sucked out of the room by someone's insecurities and you can tell they're a hair's breath from snapping. These are the times I ask myself why try? Why indeed? Because life is too stinking short to be tied down by a short fuse. There is humor in everything if you'll just un-tether yourself from those insecurities and embrace life with all of it's unexpected opportunities and different personalities. Trust me, I have to make myself do it every day and I hope I never quit trying to lighten up. Sure, not totally being feeling overwhelmed can, at times, be a full time job... If we let it. My go-to solution for stress is to do one of the following:

A) Bring humor to the situation. Unfortunately my humor leans toward sarcasm, which is rarely embraced with the affection it is delivered with. Right after my injury, when everyone was still very concerned
about my recovery. I rounded up the gang and took them to see Alice in Wonderland. I made jokes, I laughed when she fell down the rabbit hole and I sought high an low for anything that would defuse the pain, not that I was going through, but for those who were going through it with me. My feeling was if I could act like I was okay, they would buy it and not worry. Luckily, I have friends who have a great sense of humor, even when mine is inappropriate for the situation. When a good friend of mine went through breast cancer, the Girlfriends got together and gave her a bye bye boobie party. We had two choices, we
could laugh, or we could cry.... We chose to laugh while we could and cry when we must. To this day, I get more hits on that post than any other post I have ever written. I believe it's because there are a lot of people out there who want to laugh in the face of something that terrifies them. You know what? That's perfectly okay!

B) My second go-to for stress, is to withdraw. I learned to withdraw after the injury because my verbal filter.... Well, I didn't have a verbal filter for a long time. I found out then I needed to be very careful around anyone who could possibly of stress me out, or hurt my feelings. Now, I only use this reaction when I'm having a serious problem coping with whatever has been thrown in my direction. Withdrawal isn't what I want to do, it's what I must do when I simply can't take any more. Thankfully, I seldom have to use it, but I've found it's better to withdraw than to risk saying something that should be left unsaid.

I often remind myself of the scripture that talks about "Vain Imaginations". I think women are more prone to vain imaginations than men. My Pastor has said more times than I can count.... When someone walks in a room and someone quits talking and they become

offended because they think they were talking about them...... They need to get over themselves. Chances are they weren't the subject, because they're not that interesting. How true that is! I've chastised myself time and again for believing I was the reason someone was behaving in a way that I imagined was because they were mad at me or didn't like me (I mean, it's so hard to imagine someone not liking me of all people). I have to tell myself.... "It's not always about you." I've got stuff I'm dealing with, others have stuff their dealing with and most likely neither have a thing to do with the other. The perfect example happened today while I was on my way home for lunch. I noticed that I was taking exactly the same roads as the car in front of me. I take back roads and side roads, any way that will get me there fastest. As we came to a stop sign, my son and his friends came around the corner headed back to school. I flashed my lights and waved hello to them. The car I had been following put his car in park and marched right back to my car as I rolled the window down. He was ready to confront me with whatever my problem was. I found it so humorous that he instantly took offense... I think that's what you call having an "offendable spirit". I smiled sweetly at him as he demanded to know why I was flashing my lights at him. I laughed and told him I wasn't. I was flashing my lights at my son as he came around the corner and I greeted him with a wave.... "It had nothing to do with you sir." I'm not sure what upset him more.... Him thinking I was flashing my lights at him, or him finding out it had nothing to do with him. I really wanted to tell him to.... "lighten up a little. Life is too short and he looked as if his blood pressure was a little high for him to take everything so serious."  A really big part of me wanted to be charitable and offer a letter opener so he could effectively dig his panties out of the wad they had apparently gotten into. He lives down the street from me so I decided to keep calm, smile sweetly and keep my mouth shut (lucky man). People aren't perfect, everyone has chinks in their armor, some days more than others I can feel the dents in mine. I'm rusty around the edges, I squeak sometimes when I shouldn't, but that's just life. As the song says.... "I'm battle scarred but trying oh so hard to get back to who I once was."  And in case you're wondering no, that song isn't from the same group that sang "The Rubber Band Man." To all who read this post and wonder if it's about you.... It probably is. Ask yourself.... "Do I have an offendable spirit?" If the answer is yes, maybe you should work on it, I am  and hopefully my neighbor will.

                                       SweetP              

The Dark Dance

I went to get my nails done this week and my friend gave me a belated birthday present. Since I was still a little tacky (not attitude, just the nails), I asked her to open it for me because I couldn't wait to see what it was. She opened it up and it was a framed print that said...

Gosh!!! I got tears in my eyes and I just gave her the biggest hug because she couldn't have gotten me anything more perfect. I won't retell the story, if you wish to read it you can find it at....
http://tbirecovery4sp.blogspot.com/  Let's just say last year was a difficult year. In fact it was so clumsy and awkward it makes even my skiing look graceful in comparison. If you've ever been fortunate enough to see me ski, you would understand what a statement that truly is. My favorite ballet is the Nutcracker. I would go see it every Christmas if I could. Last year had it's ups and downs just like a ballet. It was a roller coaster of emotion, events and drama. I wish I had been a more graceful dancer, but then again if I were graceful, I wouldn't have a story to tell. As Momma would say, "It looked like a bull in a china cabinet." Looking back from this side, I realize more and more just how dark it was. Thankfully I wasn't left out on the dance floor alone and it wasn't the final act of the ballet. I stumbled into His arms last year and did a dark dance in the shelter of His love. I'm living in daylight now and yes, I'm ready to dance, but this time I think I'd rather break out the disco ball and boogie down.

Ecclesiastes 3:4

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance
  

Outta the Rabbit Hole and Into the Light

"I forget what is behind me and reach out to what is ahead of me.

 Like a man running a race, I try hard to reach the line so that I will receive the prize. Because we belong to Christ Jesus, God is calling us to receive this prize that he has for us in heaven."

And so it begins....

     I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person! Not only do I feel each and every emotion, I feel them with an intensity that quiet frankly should be outlawed. Oh how I wish for a numbness to sweep over me so that emotions are just vague and understated. For the last 10 months and 26 days my emotions have been in hyper drive mode (in addition to my normal hyper drive personality). The doctors tell me it is normal but I assure you it does not feel normal. Today I have determined to not let my emotions rule me any longer. Yes, I may still be in healing mode and yes, there may be times when I can feel the fabric of my mind fusing together with hot iron intensity, but it is getting better and better it will be today!!!! Somewhere deep inside is the old me and I am determined to find her and bring her back. Some say it is out of my control but they dont' know how determined I am to feel like myself again. Who knew that a rabbit hole would cause so much inward pain while leaving the outside unscathed (typed as tears run down my cheeks)? I've tried hiding, it doesn't work. I've tried pretending (I'm really no good at it), I've tried medicating (take two pills and call me in the morning), the morning always comes (lather, rinse, repeat). So my new strategy (or is it strategery, LOL) is to forget (I've been really good at that the last few months), and reach out. Run the race like it's nobody's business, and make like a rabbit and jump out of the hole instead of crawling farther into the hole. Outta the rabbit hole and into the light.... Let's see how Alice does with that.

My Scary Hole

I went out on a limb this weekend just to see how well I could balance my brain. Since the TBI  I have been experiencing sudden anxiety attacks especially when around crowds or when I'm around a loud environment. I really wanted to go on this weekend trip but I was terrified that if an anxiety hit me, there would be no place for me to hide until it passed. The trip was important to me for several reasons. It was a breast cancer walk and I was walking with one of my best friends who had breast cancer late last year. I knew it would be a fun time and I wanted to see how far I could push my boundaries with this fear thing. The anxiety has gotten so much better than it was a few months ago, but still it has a way of sneaking up from behind, catching me unaware. I am feeling so much better!! There are still a few things that need tweaking (patience would be one of those things).  Since the accident I've been pretty careful about putting myself in social settings and isolated myself for a variety of reasons. This weekend I thought I'd push through and see how it went. I made it through Friday night much better than expected even though there were a lot of people with us and the restaurant was very crowded.  My Son and his friends joined us for a while at the restaurant and I enjoyed getting to visit and catch up with him. Saturday morning went great. It was a sea of pink as far as the eye could see. It felt good to be a part of something positive and it felt good to see people whose loved ones had not come out on the winning end against the disease, being represented. About 3/4 way through the walk the stifling cloud caught up with me along with a raging headache... I had to get out of there before someone noticed the tears and the ragged breathing.I needed  just a few minutes alone to gain control before I could get back to my group and enjoy the rest of the walk. I ran back to the hotel, got something for my headache and took a few minutes to calm myself and reassure myself that the anxiety attacks, although inconvenient, were becoming less severe and soon they would pass altogether like most of the other symptoms. When I got back to the group I was fine, exhausted from the aftermath of overwhelming anxiety, but for the most part fine. A hole certainly would come in handy during these times.... A portable hole I could climb into that was lined with soft silky fir that would wrap around me like a warm blanket. Instead I climb back into cold hard reality and put one foot in front of the other until finally I'm back to my safe place.  When I got home my husband asked me how it went and I fell in his arms with tears rolling down my cheeks(he has gotten pretty used to this)..... "I just want the old Jac back, I want to be her again." He held me and assured me that she was coming back in little pieces every day and that I would just have to be patient. I told him I was pretty sure everyone was getting tired of my quirks and didn't understand the struggle. He said "Jac, when people hear what happened they expect for you to have some kind of visual scars they can see, you don't have any of those on the outside.... The damage was all inside. From the outside you look just as normal as if nothing has happened. You are better every day and you can't let these little episodes set you back." These episodes don't set me back, they terrify me! I become paralyzed with fear that they will never go away. I liked the person I was.... we were friends, I understood her. This new person can be hard to read, easy to offend, and has the patience of a gnat. I'm not crazy about this person and if she angers me I know she angers others. He continued to reassure me as he always does. He held me tight and suggested I take a nap(always a good idea). I'm not sure how I would have made it these last few months if it wasn't for my husband. He has been so supportive and loving, much more than I deserve. During this whole ordeal I've never felt like I was fighting alone, he has been beside me every step. When I get discouraged, he lifts me up. When I get overwhelmed, he carries the load, when I get scared he reassures me,when I fall into the black hole, he reaches in and helps me out, never judging,never criticizing. But most important of all, he loves me 100% unconditionally and never fails to calm my fears.