Rest in Peace Sweet One

I've had a weepy day. I'm a fixer and there are just so many things that I cannot fix. As I was wrapping up my workday, I took a look at the most recent posts on Facebook. A dear friend of mine posted that his grandson, who was a little over 2 months old, had passed in his sleep. My heart broke for the family. I cannot imagine getting a phone call telling me such news. I sent him my prayers and thoughts. In his reply, he asked me if I would draw a tribute. Something so tragic,  brings everyday situations into prospective. My prayers are with the family of Ivan Dean. May he rest forever in God's loving arms, and may his family find refuge under His wings.

Rest in Peace Sweet One

Psalm 91:4

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be you're shield and rampart.

Unfathomable Love

The door to The Refuge apartment complex opened and I was greeted by the smiling face of my oldest son. After a quick hug, a friend of his who frequently joins our Sunday family time, walked by and gave me a quick hug. In the hallway,  3 women, my daughter-in-law included, stood around an open closet. As we approached, I saw my grandson and another toddler exploring things inside the closet. It was a communal toy closet. Levi was sitting on the floor gnawing away on a Darth Vadar toy. The toddler turned and jabbered to Levi in typical toddler gibberish. My daughter-in-law looked at us and explained that he had his own language. I sat on the floor and watch as the two interacted and practiced the art of "sharing", which is so difficult at that age. Levi finally looked up and gifted me with a sweet smile. This child has absolutely no idea how thoroughly he is loved by his LolliPops. My hands lay quietly in my lap, but my fingers itched to pick

him up and kiss him all over. Another part of me could have just sat there all day watching him learn to interact in his environment. Is it just me, or is watching your grandchild the most mesmerizing experience in life? Sometimes I feel guilty because when Levi is in the room, everything and everyone else fades into the background.  Nothing exists but him. Is that a bad thing? I lay in bed at night and wonder what kind of relationship we will have. Will he know me.... I mean really know me? Will he come to look forward when he hears LolliPops is coming to visit? Every fiber of my being prays that I have a relationship with him that I did not get to have with my grandparents. I was one of dozens of grandkids to grandparents who were already elderly when I was small. Being one of many, I intentionally desired for my kids to have a closer relationship with my parents. What will the future

bring for lil Levi and me? We were in town for my son's birthday/Father's day. We loaded into our cars and headed for the restaurant. Levi is a good natured guy, but he is also a busy little bee. We take turns walking around with him while we eat. Staying in one place is not his idea of a good time. When it's my turn to walk with him, I go to the front of the restaurant and we look outside at the people and cars. He studies everything intently. A restaurant worker caught his eye as she changed the liner of the trash can. He stared so intensely, I swear I could almost see and hear the little gears in his head, taking it all in and figuring it all out. When we got back to our seat, his mom gave him a little piece of tomato. He sucked it into his mouth and began to gum it. When he swallowed it, he looked at us with a great big grin, knowing that he had done something amazing and looking for the reward of our happy faces and cheers. he would wrinkle up his little nose and make funny faces as my heart did back flips and summersaults. It took every bit of restraint to keep me from standing on my chair to announce to the restaurant, that they were in the presence of greatness which also happened to be my grandson. I knew such behavior would not have been looked upon favorably by my children, so I just sat there and took pictures, hoping to capture the moment... The expressions... The wonder... The joy! When we got home from our visit, I thought about how he is like a sponge,  soaking everything up, taking everything in, filing everything away, processing every sight and sound like a massive mother board from some advanced civilization beyond my imagination. This must be how God feels about us... If his love for us is half as much as mine is for this child, then it is beyond my comprehension and grows with each passing day. It... is..... Unfathomable.

The Bitter Sweet Taste of Change

Seth catches the garter

One of our boys got married this week. Not one of My boys, but one of the boys that feels like mine (does that make any sense at all). I was doing just fine until the music started and then the tears took over and the chill bumps ran up and
down my arms. How could it be that they are all grown up adults now,taking wives and having children? It's absolutely what you're shooting for when you
become a parent, to see your children grow into functioning adults, but then watching it actually happen, rips a tiny bit of your heart out. I had this sudden urge to stand up and shout "Stop! Let's rewind back a few
years when you were just a wee one and let me pinch your cheeks again." Yeah, that wouldn't be inappropriate at all at a friends wedding, so I sat there biting my tongue until I was pretty sure a steady stream of crimson blood was running down my chin, but no, it was just tears. Sweet, bitter, happy and sad tears, all at the same time. Life is truly a complex mixture of

all of the above and it leaves a salty taste on your lips as you
kiss the past goodbye and smile hopefully into the eyes of forever.

The Tapestry of a Beautiful Life

Life has a way of throwing things at you that you simply cannot prepare yourself for. Unlike made for TV movies, fairy tales and soap opera's, we aren't handed a script when we are born. We can't edit out the parts we don't like, we can't go back and do re-takes and we can't flip to the back of the script to see if we want a different ending. Unlike Reality TV, life is real and we never know from one second to the next what the next breath will bring and sometimes the next breath takes your breath away.  I've had a few moments that have hit me square in the gut.   During the times I've found myself in the whirlwind of uncertainty, all  I could do was throw myself at the foot of the cross and pray that somehow God would deliver me.  Instead, he took me through the eye of the storm and let me tell you.... I did protest much! There have been times, I've felt like a small child throwing a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming and wanting it my way... The way I had planned it. God had a different plan. When the verdict comes in, grace takes over and in spite of how I behaved, God had a plan. It's easy to be tossed on a sea of guilt and shame of could have, would have, should have, but that doesn't change the past. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and handle life with more grace, more poise, more faith!  Life really is a tapestry of the good, the bad and the ugly. One side of the masterpiece is a mass of knotted tangles where life intersects your dreams in an way that isn't always neat and tidy. On the other side of the tapestry you have the vignette of a beautiful life. Which side of the tapestry you choose to admire, is totally up to you.

Outta the Rabbit Hole and Into the Light

"I forget what is behind me and reach out to what is ahead of me.

 Like a man running a race, I try hard to reach the line so that I will receive the prize. Because we belong to Christ Jesus, God is calling us to receive this prize that he has for us in heaven."

And so it begins....

     I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person! Not only do I feel each and every emotion, I feel them with an intensity that quiet frankly should be outlawed. Oh how I wish for a numbness to sweep over me so that emotions are just vague and understated. For the last 10 months and 26 days my emotions have been in hyper drive mode (in addition to my normal hyper drive personality). The doctors tell me it is normal but I assure you it does not feel normal. Today I have determined to not let my emotions rule me any longer. Yes, I may still be in healing mode and yes, there may be times when I can feel the fabric of my mind fusing together with hot iron intensity, but it is getting better and better it will be today!!!! Somewhere deep inside is the old me and I am determined to find her and bring her back. Some say it is out of my control but they dont' know how determined I am to feel like myself again. Who knew that a rabbit hole would cause so much inward pain while leaving the outside unscathed (typed as tears run down my cheeks)? I've tried hiding, it doesn't work. I've tried pretending (I'm really no good at it), I've tried medicating (take two pills and call me in the morning), the morning always comes (lather, rinse, repeat). So my new strategy (or is it strategery, LOL) is to forget (I've been really good at that the last few months), and reach out. Run the race like it's nobody's business, and make like a rabbit and jump out of the hole instead of crawling farther into the hole. Outta the rabbit hole and into the light.... Let's see how Alice does with that.

Peas In A Pod

As adults we tend to obsess over the smallest things when it comes to our children. Kids should get more credit for being the flexible things that they are. Even under the most difficult circumstances kids can adapt and weather the storm while all the adults are literally pulling their hair out and begging for rocks to fall upon them. I had a friend once who was VERY obsessive over reading parenting books and about "learning to be a parent". She spent way too much time trying to do things by the book, that her natural parenting skills never really kicked in. I had listened her psychobabble and whining until I wanted to have her committed. One day she called me totally upset. She had successfully taken her daughters pacifier away but afterward she read an article that said she had done it wrong way. So what does she do???? I kid you not, she dug that pacifier out and followed the procedure explained in the article. It completely sent her child into a full fledged melt down. Hmm, the article didn't have a chapter for the meltdown. So what does she do? She calls me!! Because I may not be "college educated" but she knew I parented with a heavy dose of common sense. She just didn't know "How do you know this stuff?" (Heavy eye roll from me)"I use my brain." (slight smirk). So she tells me about the meltdown and how she is pretty certain that her child is going to need therapy during her early adult years because of the trauma of having her Binky brought back from the dead only to be ceremoniously thrown in the trash(I agree with the therapy part)."Jac, what should I do?" I asked her.... "Do you have a bunch of parenting magazines and parenting books lying around the house?" "Oh yeah, I have a ton of parenting literature." "Okay." I said.... "You need to gather all of them up (be sure not to miss one), gather them in your arms and go to the front door.... Open the front door and walk to the trash bin and toss them in. Then you need to set fire to them and vow never to pick another one up as long as you live!" Long stretch of silence.... Small chuckle... "You think that's the problem?" she asked... "Oh there is no doubt in my mind that is the problem. You had this hurdle passed until you read something in a book and instead of trusting your instincts, you relied on the book which screwed everything up. You have got to trust your instincts!" As a parent I want to protect my children and try my best to explain things to them in a way they will understand. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know the best way to present things to them. For instance.... When my oldest 2 children where very young, 7 and 4, we discovered my husband had a son from a previous relationship. Yeah, it's the kind of revelation you watch on a soap opera, not something that happens in real life. Except it did happen in real life and regardless of the circumstances surrounding the discovery, we were faced with the task of not only getting to know this child, but also introducing him to his brother and sister.To say things were awkward would be an understatement. Trust me.... I haven't found a parenting book yet that discusses this type of situation. It's one of those things that leave you no options except to just lay down the honest to God truth. So we sat the kids down and as gently as possible told them that they had an older brother that they would be meeting soon. We answered any questions they had, which were very few, and then they skipped off to continue tormenting each other the way they always did. I looked at my husband, he looked at me and we both kind of sighed and said... "That wasn't so bad." Of course in the back of my mind I know that they don't really understand. As an adult I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around it so I knew they probably didn't really get it, and I considered that a blessing of sorts. I honestly don't remember what we were doing the first time he joined our family. I just remember having these 3 little heads all sitting in the back seat and my husband and I sitting in the front seat, literally on pins and needles. I had planned an activity although I can't remember what it was. I just remember us driving and shortly after we got underway it started. The three kids, complete strangers, begin chatting away like magpies. The longer they talked the more animated they became. From listening to them you would have never known that they were strangers. Through the years they all became very close and it always amazed me how they came together like peas in a pod in spite of being raised separately for so long. That's just kids for you. They have a way of adapting with ease. Having my children adapt helped me adapt. Watching them communicate as siblings always brought a smile to my face.... I was the pod, they were the peas, knit closely together cause that's just natures way.