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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Reflections Under A Blue Moon....

In less than an hour 2009 will be behind me and 2010 standing at my door. It's the time of year where I reflect on the past and look forward to the future. 2009 was an emotionally difficult year for me. The youngest of my 3 children turned 15, oldest son bought his first house and my daughter ventured out on her first deployement in the military. I've struggled with the question, "Where do I go from here?". It's my personal opinion the women probably have a little more trouble transitioning into this point in life; when your children spread their wings and begin to soar towards their own lives. This year that realization (for some reason) hit me square in the face and I'll admit I was totally unprepared. I don't know if it was seeing the last one enter high school or having the first one leave the country but it has been difficult. It's caused a domino-like effect with me questioning every area, every belief and every ability that I have. I'm still a little dumbfounded how someone with such a firm foundation can be shaken by the sight of empty chairs around the dinner table, but I think that's what it boils down too. I think it's kind of funny because I'm a very non-hoovering type of Mom. I thought that style of mothering would make this time of life less painful but I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong! Yes honey, you read it right (no gloating!). Anyway, that's were I am, or was in 2009. Now it's time for me to figure out where I'll be this time next year. My wishes for 2010 are... I want every day to be filled with excitement! No mundane, same ole same ole. I want to belly laugh on a regular basis, to see the sparkle back in my eyes when I'm applying my mascara in the morning and I want the old happy go lucky pants pulled up all the way up to my waist! No more walking around with my happy pants pulled half the way up. Their going all the way baby, all the way! See, I'm not complicated, these are simple, no-fuss wishes. Just to seal the deal I went for a long walk under the light of the blue moon (it's suppose to bring you luck). I think you're actually suppose to dance naked under the blue moon for luck but I didn't want to frighten any drunks that happened to be out at that hour. Since it's been snowing the light of the blue moon was actually blue as it fell upon the snow. It is simply stunning out there tonight, and you know that's just what this year has been, it's been stunning. Some of it has been stunningly sad, some of it has been stunningly happy and some of it has been stunningly shocking. You know what? I'm pretty sure that 2010 will be stunning too. Stunning realizations, stunning revelations and stunning resolutions. Yep, it's just amazing how things look under the reflection of a blue moon. I hope your 2010 is stunning too.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Heading For The Slopes

We're headed for the slopes! This time tomorrow I'm praying I'll be neck high in clouds of snow. Next to the ocean, nothing speaks of his Majesty like the mountains. Something about being in the mountains makes me feel like I can just reach out and touch the face of God. I wish I could boast of being a great skier, but just the opposite it true. A very good friend of mine claims I ski like a crotchety old lady and he is absolutely correct. You've heard of near death experiences and having your life flash before your eyes.... That's me the entire time I'm skiing. Growing up I was not encouraged to take chances, live risky, or even enjoy life, so doing something like skiing is going way out on the proverbial limb for me. This year I am determined to face my fears as I face the slopes. Besides, the worst thing that could happen would be I could have a face to face meeting with a large tree resulting in me standing in line at the pearly gates. I've always joked that there is a "No Snow Dome" located directly above my head. Year after year I hope and pray for snow and year after year I am disappointed. I'm hoping Keystone is out of "No Snow Dome" network and I have plenty of snow to romp around in. The kid in me is located fairly close to the adult facade I'm wearing and it won't take much snow to make it rise to the top. So if you're in the area, I'll be the adult catching snowflakes on my tongue and making snow angels in the front yard. If you're looking for ski competition you might want to look someplace else, if it's just pure fun you're seeking, jump out of the car and join me!

Cedar Shake Shingles and Prince Charming

Some people choose to live in reality, others choose to live in fairy tales; I choose the latter. I am a fairytale kinda gal. Big dresses, long hair and of course the glass slipper (fairy tale of all fairy tales because it centers around a shoe). At the mere age of 18 (exactly 28 years ago today) I married my very own Prince Charming. Our life together has been adventure upon adventure. Some adventures exciting, some adventures sad and many of them hilarious. One of those adventures was the house we lived in when we were first married (that house was just the beginning of our house adventures). This little house wasn't exactly the little fairytale cottage I had always dreamed of but you never would have been able to convince me of that. It was a little shotgun house that my Prince Charming bought to fix up before we even knew each other. The adventure part of it was the fact that he did so without input from a woman. This is a man (Prince Charming) for you. One of his first projects was to put a cedar shake shingle roof on the little house. The roof looked so stunning in the afternoon sunlight he said to himself "I believe I will add cedar shake shingles as siding so I will not have to paint". The house looked so charming and quaint he said to himself "I think I'll put cedar shake shingles on the ceiling inside the house to hide the sagging ceiling". Alas! The cedar shake shingles went up on the ceiling and how pretty it did look. Prince Charming looked at the ceiling and said "By golly! The cedar shake shingles looks so amazing on the ceiling I believe I will put them on the wall". The next thing you know the inside and outside of the house was covered from top to bottom in cedar shake shingles. After painting the trim in the house a deep chocolate brown he looked at the floor and said "I need carpet in here that matches the cedar shake shingles I have covered the house in". So Prince Charming goes out and purchases chocolate brown carpet to put in his cedar shake shingle house. Prince Charming did not like curtains because.... well I guess because he's a man. So he looked at the windows one day and said "Oh my! People can see inside my windows". So he took the deep chocolate brown paint he had painted his trim with and he painted the glass in his windows so no one could see inside the cedar shake shingle house. When Prince Charming brought home his lovely bride several months later she looked at the cedar shake shingle house and said "I love it!" (because love is blind and because she was a new bride and she only had eyes for him). Two days later when Prince Charming was at work, his new bride decided to carefully arrange her clothes (especially her shoes) in the closet they now shared as man and wife (eventually she would move his clothes out of the closet because she seriously needed more space). She turned on the light in the bedroom, but the light would not penetrate the darkness caused by the cedar shake shingles, chocolate brown carpet and chocolate brown trim. The new bride said "I'll scrap some of the chocolate brown paint off of the glass window pane to allow a little sunlight into the room". The bride scraped the chocolate brown paint off of the bedroom window but still the sunlight could not penetrate the darkness caused by the cedar shake shingles, chocolate brown carpet and chocolate brown trim. So the new bride scrounged around the cedar shake shingle house to find a flashlight to penetrate the darkness caused by the cedar shake shingles but the flashlight, the sunlight and the overhead light still could not penetrate the darkness caused by the cedar shake shingles..... Day after day the young bride had to use a flashlight to see into her closet to retrieve her shoes but she never complained because her Prince Charming was the only light she needed to light her world. Moral to the story, cedar shake shingles does not a castle make....A Prince Charming on the other hand can make any cedar shake shingle house a home.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Outside The Lines

If only life were as simple as color coded calendars... Sometime you have to color outside the lines and hope the picture remains beautiful in spite.

He knows me and loves me still

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Shades of Blue

Color my world in
Shades of blue
Let every reflection
be a memory of you
As deep as the ocean
Floor and as far
So my heart is with you
Wherever you are
And forever will be.......

A Beautiful Love Story

The birth of our Savior. He was sent without being called, he was given without being deserved, he lived without sin, and he loved without hesitation. May this gift of gifts be found in the manger of your heart this Christmas. May it breathe the breath of life into your soul and be the beginning of a beautiful love story between you and your Savior.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Extraordinary Examples Of Praise

The heavenly host could feel the signal they had been waiting for all night. The shepherds stumbled below being caught off guard by the sudden stillness then a gust of wind that seemed to come from nowhere. Even those who slept in town were suddenly awakened by what they thought was a nightmare that could not be recalled. What really had happened was heaven had just breathed life into heaven on earth and the long awaited Messiah had taken his first breath. At precisely the second The Messiah let out his first cry the angelic choir began their refrain. Thousands upon thousands of voices joined in harmony to proclaim the birth of the child. The sound was like a fragrant incense that hovered over the earth than rose to the heavens leaving a scent of worship and adoration that had never been seen or heard before. Those that were chosen to receive the message fell to their knees and began to spontaneously worship from the core of their being. They heard the message, they knew in their hearts all that was spoken was true. There was only one thing left to do... They must see for themselves... They must see The Messiah. Some unseen force pulled them in the direction of the manger. They didn't know where they were going, when they would get there, or what they would find, yet they went. They found themselves outside a nondescript manger. Sensing their presence a man came out to usher them in. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, yet there was something about him, an energy. He seemed eager to direct them inside where a young woman lay cradling a sleeping infant in her arms. She looked up at the strangers and with gentle smile she nodded for them to come forward as if she had been expecting them for hours. There was nothing breathtaking about her beauty, yet she was breathtaking. Perhaps it was the air of absolute peace that seemed to cover her from head to toe. The shepherds once again found themselves unable to remain standing and fell to their knees. In unison they began to worship, not just the shepherds, but the woman and man as well. Here in this common manger there were no words, for words could not truly express all that was stirring in their hearts. Here in this common manger, common people began to worship an uncommon King as he turned their ordinary lives into extraordinary examples of praise.

Love At First Sight

She gasped for air, she prayed for strength and she thought the pain would never end. For hours her body had been torn apart by wave after wave of pain. Sweat poured from her brow, her lips were parched from her rapid breathing and she didn't know how much longer she would be able to endure. The arms that had cradled her so gently earlier were now like a noose around her neck. She didn't want to be touched, she didn't want to be left alone, she just wanted it to end and end quickly. Joseph paced back and forth, wringing his hands in worry. Each time he saw her relax for a second or two he would kneel beside her, offer her a drink, wipe her brow then quickly step aside before the next wave of pain started. How much longer he wondered. Suddenly she sat up and took a deep breath. When she exhaled a moan escaped her lips that was so deep and so barbaric that it caught him by surprise. Her face became white as ash and her head dropped till her chin touched her chest. At that moment he heard the release of water and blood pour from her womb. In an instant the earth was caught in a large vacuum like all of the oxygen had been sucked from the air and then immediately a rushing wind swept through the manger, then silence. Nothing but silence. She reached down and picked up the pasty infant that lay between her legs. With her touch he let out a wail. His arms waved wildly in the night air, his fingers and toes were spread apart like he had just been dropped in ice cold water. He shook all over as he cried and quickly, so quickly his skin turned red. The softest of sighs came from her chest as she brought him to her cheek. The babe turned his head to meet her cheek as if to give her a kiss. For the first time in history, heaven met humanity and without a doubt it was love at first sight.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

When Heaven And Earth Meet

By the hundreds they gathered over the field, a whole host of angels. They could see the shepherds thoughtlessly going through their duties, the way earthly bound beings thoughtlessly went about everything. Some of the more cynical angels seemed a little disappointed that the proclamation they were prepared to give would be done in such a mundane setting, but those thoughts were fleeting. This was the night that all of heaven had been preparing for thousands of years. This would be the night that changed all of humanity for eternity. The angels could not help but wonder if the earthly bound beings would grasp the meaning of it all. They were so limited by their insight and knowledge of all things spiritual. Yet, that was not their concern. Their mission had been carefully planned, the announcement would be made as soon as the signal was given. That was another thing. Although the mission carefully planned, the announcement meticulously written the actual signal itself had not been described. They were simply told that they would recognize the signal when it was given. The angels had no trouble accepting this as fact and eagerly awaited the moment. The earthly bound beings may not know what was going on this gentle evening, but without a doubt the earth herself knew that all things would soon change. The shepherds had began to notice the ever changing sky and they stood like statues staring in awe at the sight that unfolded before them. The angels, the shepherds and even the sheep stood in anticipation, waiting for the moment when heaven and earth would meet in the form of a crying child.

No Ordinary Night

The night was as still as they had seen it in a while. Not a breeze could be felt as they lay around the camp. The older of the shepherds had already drifted into their nightly slumber. Since they had seniority they got the first hours of watch, the one in the early evening hours. They left the early morning hours to the young shepherds. The older shepherds had seen all of the strange early morning happenings, heard all of the alarming noises that accompanied the darkness. As far as they were concerned the young ones needed the experience in determining the difference between real danger and imagined danger. It was funny the tricks your mind could play on you when all you had was the moon and the sound of the earth to keep you awake. Besides, watching the young ones get used to the dark hours amused the old ones immensely. The young ones would not wake the old ones unless they knew there was a real threat. They were tired of their over reactions being the topic of every village meal once they returned home. After a while it just wasn't funny anymore, at least not to them. The shepherds like the rest of the world had been lulled into somewhat of a spiritual slumber. Stories of the coming Messiah was part of their heritage, something they grew up hearing about all their lives. The 400 years of silence had brought some Jews to cease the anticipation of the long awaited Messiah. Many had gone about their daily lives as if a Savior would never come. Among the shepherds in the field that night, many of the young ones had never given it much thought.... That was until the sky began to lighten as if covered by a white mist. At first they stared in total shock, there was no way they would wake the old ones because the sky was turning a hazy white. Then as they continued to look the outline of the angels began to materialize before their very eyes. Ever so gradually angel after angel appeared, transfixed between heaven and earth. Although the stillness never ceased, an atmosphere of anticipation began to sweep over the country side awakening the older shepherds. Their eyes popped open like wild prey was standing over them. Immediately their eyes turned upward to see the appearing of what looked like angels... If this was a dream it was no ordinary dream and if this wasn't a dream then this was no ordinary night.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Not A Typical King

The wings of the angles spread out touching tip to tip creating a barrier around the young couple. They had been given strict instructions about the amount of comfort they could give. Their presence provided cover from the evil forces that searched throughout the area looking to interfere with the Father's plans. The head angel had been the one chosen to deliver the message to the young girl in the beginning. He remembered how young and innocent she looked as he relayed the message of the coming events. For just a second he wondered if he had misinterpreted his instructions and was giving the news to the wrong girl. Surely this could not be the one the Father had selected to bring the Savior into the world. A quickening in the heaven's got his attention and he continued to recite the news to the girl who stood mesmerized by his words. Tonight she looked totally different than she had the day he first saw her. It seemed she had aged 10 years. No longer did she look like a child, tonight she looked like a woman in the travail of giving birth. Being selected by the Father doesn't mean the journey will be easy, that's why such care is taken in those he chooses. Tonight the Father's instructions were very pointed. They were sent to provide protection, strength and encouragement. They were prevented however, from relieving the couple from any pain or trouble experienced in a typical earthly childbirth. It was difficult to stand back and not intervene. The best they could do is prompt Joseph with encouraging words to offer Mary and to give them both strength that had been sent with them from above. Still it looked to be a very agonizing process, this birth. The angels staunchly held their ground and trusted that the Father knew best when it came to the process of saving the world. This wasn't what they imagined when they were given the assignment of protecting the couple as they delivered the King of Kings.... This was much more humble and these people more common than they expected . No, this couple was not the typical royal family most would be looking for, and their son would prove in every possible way that he would not be.... a typical King.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Other Half Of Me

She snuggled up beside me
With a giggle and a grin
I am a little taken back
Where did she come from and when?
You know me well, she calmly states
We go back from the beginning of time
We used to play in the yard when small
You know, your yard and mine
I looked at her with piercing eyes
No recognition at all
No hint of remembrance, no faint memory
This girl I clearly saw
The sound of her voice, the way her words were formed
Her blue green eyes, her hair,
Nothing struck a cord with me
Not one single thing we shared
Tell me more, I quietly asked
Searching for some kind of clue
How do we know each other
I don't seem to remember you
Her smile didn't fade, her eyes didn't blink
She took no mind at all
That I had forgotten our long lost connection
That I could not recall
She touched my arm and sighed a sigh
And searched for words to say
I thought she would tell me stories of us
The games we used to play
I'm not surprised, she finally said
That you do not know my name
There's hardly a resemblance left for you
To know we are the one and same
I am you, so long ago
Seems like forever and a day
Way back when you were really young
And your heart was way more tame
You are but half of me the half most people saw
The half you used to please the ones
Who raised you when you were small
A much different girl you've become
A much different woman you are
Than the one that you present to those
Who seek to judge your heart
Just one request I simply ask
If I might be so brave
Don't forget the side of you
That has always kept you safe
I'm the one whose judgement you used
When you were young and free
All I ask as you search yourself
Always remember me.
Never forget the things we were taught
When we were but just small
And never look back and regret the things
That we cannot change at all
Just go forward, continue to grow
In knowledge and strength and love
The time we are now experiencing
Is something we'll rise above
It's new for us, this life of ours
It's nothing we planned to see
The ending to the dreams we dreamed
The things we thought would be
But that's alright, don't be alarmed
It's just a point in life
Where the things that were and the things that are
Get tangled within the heart
I'm right here, I'll always be
We're together and always have been
The good, the bad, the tame and wild 
From the beginning until the end

From Here to Eternity

Waiting beneath the weight of silence
Wondering what will become
Listening for an awakening
Ready to sing your song
Preparing myself for the brokenness
The end will finally bring
Unwilling to face reality
Most painful of anything
The future seems so uncertain
The past a distant fog
The moment I'm currently standing in
Is someone else's viewed from afar
I have searched but found no answer
listened but heard no voice
Prayed but found no comfort
Cried with no remorse
The shadows will forever haunt me
Of things I've left undone
Of those I've disappointed
And the ones I've knowingly wronged
The hope I currently long for
Is that forgiveness and grace will be
Bountiful and long reaching
From here to eternity

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Which Realm Are You Living In

Having touched something that cannot be held
I stand with empty hands
Having tasted something that cannot be savored
I am left incompete
Having heard a voice that has no body
I continue to wonder
Having smelled a fragrance yet find no bloom
My garden remains barren
And yet will I
Reach out to touch again
Bring to my lips the taste of that
Listen for music in the wind
Cherish the thought of spring
Could anything be so beautiful
As that which I continue to dream
Truly most things of beauty exists 
Outside our realm of reality
Yet our reality holds beauty we have not seen
Which realm are you living in????

Monday, December 7, 2009

Holiday Cheer??

The emails I get from Sissy continue to be positive. She seemed to really enjoy the last port they stopped at...
got to do some neat stuff. She says it's easier missing the holiday while on deployment since everybody is "in the same boat". Unfortunately I have a little tear in my eye and a lump in my throat as I go about my holiday preparations. This Momma is really missing her little girl who shares her love for the holidays and all of the holiday prepping women do. This year in an effort to keep the holidays from being so sad without her, we've planed a ski trip the week before Christmas with several of our best friends as a family gift. I'm not missing the stress of doing the holiday shopping but I am missing getting to wrap my color coordinated Christmas gifts (it's just one of my quirky obsessions). In spite of my inner sadness I'm determined that I will put on a smile and not let the boys see it (they would never get it anyway). My husband (who is a saint) has become quiet used to walking in a room only to see me weeping for no reason at all. It's not like a woman can really explain it anyway to a man whose loins have never been ripped apart in childbirth. At times like these it would be nice to have the Que Sera Sera way of coping that most men enjoy. I love being a woman but sometimes the intensity of the emotions we so aptly display can be a little hard to handle and absolutely impossible to explain. I know all of you Navy Moms understand that especially those with daughters. So I'm putting on my "Holiday Cheer" although most of it is nothing but put on.... Next year will be a whole different story.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

One Of Those People

The sun is settling on what has been a beautiful Thanksgiving day. I wasn't particularly looking forward to what is usually one of my favorite holidays. My daughter is on a destroyer somewhere in the Persian Gulf. It's not her first Thanksgiving away from home, but it's her first so far away. Just knowing that she will be sad, and it will be months before I see her again, makes it hard for me to enjoy this holiday in the typical fashion. My Son wasn't going to be able to come home since taking a job in the City at the City Rescue Mission. Hundreds of volunteers give up the comfort of their homes to provide a special lunch for those who have no home, no family and in most cases no hope. This year seemed like the perfect time to mix things up, change tradition and do things a little different. Our family decided to get out of our comfort zone a little and spend the day doing something for someone else (sadly something we don't do often enough).  We had an awesome day! We had the privilege to join the homeless in praise and worship before lunch. It was a beautiful sight to see those who literally have no place to lay their head, worship God with hand uplifted and voices singing "I Am Free". But one of the most precious things about the day was Maggie. Maggie is a 3rd grade teacher at the Catholic Church near the mission. As I sat there and listened to Maggie talk my heart just swelled. She was one of those rare beauties who lives what she believes and believes with all her heart. She didn't share with us in a bragging manner, just humble conversation about how she lives to visit the sick, give to the poor and has little but has everything because she knows so many have so much less. I watched Maggie all day long. This was her first time to volunteer at the Mission, but she jumped right in and was as busy as a bee all day long. She didn't hesitate to mingle with the strangers that came for a warm meal. At the end of the afternoon, after all the table were moved and the chairs put away Maggie said she thought she'd go home and tend to her plants then she thought she'd come back and help the Mission serve dinner. We exchanged cell numbers and hearty hugs as we headed our separate ways. I may never see Maggie again but I have a feeling that they will be seeing a lot of her at the Mission. She's just one of those special people who can't help but give to others.... For me she gave a lasting impression.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Every Few Feet

I had the pleasure to go on a hike this weekend with our best friends minus one couple. It was a beautiful fall day. That morning the sky was overcast and it had rained sometime during the night but I knew that living in Oklahoma meant by noon it could be blazing hot with the sun at full throttle. When we got to the beginning of the trail I had to wrangle all the guys in so we could get a group shot (you know to capture the memories as I'm always saying). I'll have to say that they were pretty agreeable in the beginning.... with that first pose. But after a few feet (100 yards to be exact by their calculation) I found what I believed to be another background that needed to captured with our smiling faces in it. About the 3rd "background" opportunity they began to act.... shall we say.... a tad fussy. What is it with guys any way? It's important to the girls that we take advantage of every photo opportunity that comes our way. I still can't figure out why the big deal. My oldest son used to tell me to put the camera down, "no more 3x5's Mom". I pushed my luck as far as I could until I had to settle for action shots of them pretending to be hiking across a dam, shoulders slumped, heads down, looking terribly bored. The next night at church I asked one of the guys what the deal is with pictures... why the heck all the fuss? He informed me that they just wanted to get in the woods and conquer the task. Okay, I could almost understand that... you know, kind of Neanderthal mentality. Actually, when he said that I instantly got a visual of them bouncing through the woods in ape-like fashion, scratching themselves and passing gas with glee, but for the sake of not belittling their manliness we'll call it conquering the task. Basically, we cramped their style with all of the stopping and fussing over couple shots ("Oh Jac, you're going to want to frame this one") Luckily, all of the girls have very strong personalities and the Neanderthal needs of the guys did not prevent us from capturing our adventure every few (100 yards) feet. Next time I guess I'll leave my camera at home so the guys can whisk us through the woods and impress us with their navigational skills... LOL! I will, however, be sure to secretly record all of it on my cell phone and immediately post it on Youtube!!! Wouldn't want a good memory to go unrecorded.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Broken And Unashamed

I'll have to admit that I feel a lot of pressure to be something I certainly am not.... perfect.  At any given moment I can give you a laundry list of ways I feel like I've failed everyone. Over the last couple of years I've struggled with the knowledge that to a large degree I'm not the person I wish I could be, and the realization that I'm probably not the person everyone else believes me to be. Oh wouldn't it be nice to fulfill every ones expectations including your own. The one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I am exactly who God designed me to be and that includes all the flaws I wish I could erase.  God has been loving imperfect people since the beginning of time. I tend to glamorize my biblical heroes but the common thread throughout the bible is the heart of fallen man and the mercy of a loving God.  Yes, broken and unashamed is how he found me, but mended and fully redeemed is how he loves me... Guess perfect will just have to wait.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Little Moments

Like most children I looked forward to Christmas every year. Unlike now, it seemed that it took Christmas forever to roll around. With anticipation I waited to see what surprises Mom and Dad would have for me. My husband still harasses me about the fact that I would make note of the dimensions of the doll I wanted from the catalogue and measure my presents to see if (allowing for packing) the dimensions of the wrapped gift tucked back under the tree was a close match. Yep, as a child those little markers gave me something to look forward to and that's how I made it through the year. Now that I'm an adult the things I look forward to have taken on a whole different dimension. What gets me throught the week may be.. making it to my morning workout... having lunch with a friend... just little stolen moments that keep me putting one foot in front of the other in anticipation. One of my favorite rituals is my Friday morning reward... Starbucks! I look forward to celebrating the end of my workweek with a Venti White Chocolate Mocha (heavy on the white chocolate). Seriously, on Wednesday I start counting the hours till I can daintily (NOT!) sip (gulp) my large cup of liquid heaven... It gets me through the week. Ya, so this morning I truly stumble out of bed with a raging headache that kept me up most of the night and prevented me from making it to my morning workout. Ugh!!! But... the silver lining and the thing that rolled me out of bed was the anticipation of my Friday ritual. My husband suggested I call in sick to work since I felt so bad, but I informed him that this was Friday and it was my Starbucks day so everything would be well with my soul once I got my fix. Surprisingly he wanted to know why I only went to Starbucks on Friday... Duh!!! I'm practicing an amazing amount of self-control (smirk) and keeping a strict eye on our budget like he's always asking me to do (dramatic eye roll)!!!! Give me some credit why don'tch? anyway, I get my paint and powder on (as my Mom always says), tease my bump up to the highest altitude I can muster on a Friday, slid on my jeans (cause it's casual Friday) and jolt out the door and head for the hospital (we don't have an actual Starbucks, we have a hospital with a mini me Starbucks inside). I get to the hospital having completely forgotten about the raging headache and reach for the doors to the cafeteria when I see it... This huge handwritten sign hanging on the milk steamer thingy that says... "OUT OF ORDER"!!! I kind of hesitate but walk on in where I find the little girl who knows what I want before I ever get to the counter. I look at her with literal tears in my eyes and say, "It's broke?" The guy behind her kind of looks at me then looks at her like "Should I hide, cause she looks a little unstable?" She just smiles and tells me yeh, it's broke and I'll just have to run down to the convenience store like she did. I really just stared at her in disbelief that she would even suggest a convenience store could be a replacement for my cup of heaven. My headache returned with a vengeance, the room began to spin and in my mind I crumpled to the floor in a fetal position and began to sob. In reality I slumped out of the hospital, muttering to myself like a schizophrenic psychopath. It's pretty much at this point that I realized just how much those little rewards mean to me, and how much I miss them when circumstances prevent me from "getting my fix". They make every unpleasant thing that comes my way bearable (gentle sigh). Next week, if the machine is fixed, I'll appreciate that Venti White Chocolate Mocha a lot more. If the machine isn't fixed... Well, Heads - Will - Roll!!! Ya, it's the little moments that I look forward to.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Defined By Grace

Having been raised in a very legalistic Christian environment, it's still hard for me, at age 46, to wrap my mind around the grace of a loving God. In my mind I see him keeping track of every misspoken word, every ill conceived desire and every broken commandment on a score card that grows in size every day. My transgressions are written in bold print and the extraordinarily bad deeds are highlighted in florescent yellow. Sometimes the idea of living a victorious life seems like an overwhelmingly impossible task. After all, when you are young those around you are quick to forgive your bad judgment to youth. The older you become the less likely you are to be the recipient of such forgiveness especially from those in the Church. At times it seems that among the more mature sect there is a competition to see who can appear to be the most spiritual. The goal is to be viewed as a mega Christan instead of merely a forgiven Christian. Even though I've been in church all of my life (literally slept under a pew as an infant), I can't seem to grasp the idea that we try to define our spiritual selves by how positive we can talk, how above it all we can come across and frankly how disingenuous we can be. It seems to me that it would be easier just to be...real. How much more effective could we be to those around us if we would just be real? So many Christians define themselves to others by how much time they spend in prayer, how much they give financially or how many spiritual gifts they hold in their possession. I cannot boast of great things. The only thing I can say is... I am a fallen angel. I stands at the foot of the cross desiring, but not deserving grace. I am not interested appearing to have it all together for I do not. I'm not interested in having the most outstanding testimony, because I have yet to overcome. But my one desire is to stand before the cross, broken by sin yet defined by His grace. For me this is as real as it gets.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Air That I Breathe

I was just sitting on the front porch today soaking in some rays. It has been an absolutely beautiful day! Sometimes I get so consumed with my own thoughts or problems I forget to just open up and enjoy God's beauty. Later when back in the office I was walking down a dreary hallway; what a stark contrast to the outside! Everything was different than an hour before. The air was stale, the lighting was dim and the sounds were muffled. I thought to myself.... "This is what life would be like without the one I love". He is the air that I breathe and without him life would be one lonely journey.

Friday, October 23, 2009


You are my morning light. Like the amber glow that
first fills the sky at dawn, so you have filled my life.
You are so much more than a dream come true;
You are love come to life.
You will always be my first.
With you I have grown, through you I have learned
And beside you I will walk. Gently I will guide you,
When necessary I will protect you and always I will love you.
Someday when the time must come I will let you go
And trust in the way I have lead and the way in which you have followed.
Though your paths you will solely seek, my love will always pursue.
Quietly I am here, waiting to give you hope, to encourage, offering shelter from the

I truly believe that God took a little twinkle from the stars
and placed it in your eyes. With this twinkle will come your ability to succeed.
No tempest toss will ever sink your ship. Never will you face a mountain too tall
to climb, or a valley too deep to cross. Within your hands you hold all of the
keys to tomorrow. Like the extra twinkle that He gave you, He will likewise supply
extra strength that is needed to open your tomorrow
If upon Him you will depend.

Your capacity for loving will increase others capacity to love you. In loving others we teach them to love.
When taking the risk to offer friendship you never lose. If the offer of
friendship is denied, take heart, in offering you have tried, accomplishing what
most greatly fear. Out of your spirit of love will come your ability
to forgive. Forgiving those who hurt you allows you to grow...
In learning we grow.

In the twilight, as you look back on the dawn, may you feel the
warmth of love you have given me. My hope for you is that someday you will see the amber glow cast from the smile of your first child.
Through misty eyes you will touch life's most precious gift. You will have a new life, with new meaning and new goals. You will take this life so fresh and new
and to your bossom hold it. Then hand in hand you will both set sail
upon the waters that reflect the amber glow.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Happy Birthday Caleb

There is no greater joy in life than being a Mother. There is no greater joy in life than carrying a life inside of you, protecting it, nurturing it and then giving birth. The first moment you hear that little cry it's hard to describe the complete devotion that overwhelms you. 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes, little button nose and wrinkles in all the right places, perfection from the flawed; a miracle of miracles. 15 years ago today I experienced this for the last time. I remember cuddling Caleb up close to me and sleeping with him in the hospital, soaking in every precious second. In the blink of an eye it seems like the years have passed. I miss the cuddles but it's exciting to see the young man he is growing into. Happy birthday to my quiet one.... Love Momma

Friday, October 16, 2009

Mr. Sandman

Oh how I miss my Sandman!!! A couple of years ago a friend of mine gave me a hypnosis CD for weight loss. Actually it was a worthless piece of plastic for the advertised purpose, but for sleep it was amazing. I downloaded it to my Ipod and listened to it every night when I went to bed. At first the whole thing seemed silly and pointless but I stuck with it just knowing my thighs were dwindling away to nothing in my sleep and fully believing that I would wake up one morning with the body of a 20 year old (now that's what I call dreamin). The soothing voice of a man would have me relax every part of my body before he would guide me through a dense fog and down a large winding staircase. After about a week I realized that I would be fast asleep before I ever got to the staircase and if I happened to wake up at 3 in the morning like I usually do, I could just turn my little Sandman back on and through the fog we'd go into happy, peaceful oblivion waking the next morning feeling like a million bucks (sleep has that effect on me). I grew very attached to Sandman and took him with me where ever I went just in case I needed to go to my happy place. At lunch one day I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. I thought I would listen to Mr. Sandman while sitting in the massage chair and soaking my feet in the warm water. There really is not a better way to spend your lunch hour than in the pedicure chair. So I was sitting in the chair, soaking my toes with Mr. Sandman sitting in my lap. Through the fog we went, but there was just one problem. When I became fully relaxed my knees parted and my Ipod fell into the tub below. There I sat with my ear buds dangling from my ears and the sound of Mr. Sandman drowning in the Lilac water, and the little Chinese girl starring up at me in horror. I instantly jerked the Ipod out of the water, praying it wasn't fried. Once I got the Ipod dried out and somewhat working again, Mr. Sandman sounded more like A very drunk Dean Martin, slurring his words and taking me to indistinguishable places... not peaceful at all. Oh what's a girl to do?? I haven't slept the same since my little Sandman drowned...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Your Touch

Melodies of passion
That flow from your finger tips
Words of whispered devotion
Pour from your tender lips
Songs of love and comfort
Are coming from your eyes
Confessing such desires
And a love that never dies
Your touch does set me afire
Gently you kindle the flame
Your words soothe my fears
And make me fall in love again
The tenderness I see in your eyes
Brings joy unto my soul
Tonight I am consumed by you
And forever you're mine to hold

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Warm Blanket

Another gloomy day outside, but inside the sun is shinning bright! I started the week just like the weather on Tuesday…. Rainy, then sunny, then rainy, then sunny. All daylong I watched the weather outside change every 15 minutes like clock work. Emotionally my mood changed just as often. Just like the weather outside, inside I’d have a downpour but also just a speck of sunshine showing through the clouds. I couldn’t decide if I was happy, sad or a mixture of both. When I got home I couldn’t decide if I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and die or run to the moon. Some people might think I was a psycho, but actually I’m just female. Anyone relate? As if by magic the clouds inside rolled away Wednesday morning even though the clouds outside decided to hang around. It’s no coincidence that I got a call from my daughter that day. She is in an amazing (although scary) place seeing amazing sights. Just knowing she is ok made the doom and gloom go away. I miss having my girl around, miss having our girl talks, I just miss her, but that’s ok. Everything is going to be ok, after all no one ever died from missing someone. Today the fog outside is like a thick pea soup, but it kind of feels like a warm blanket has been wrapped around my heart.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Your Love

There are countless comforts
I find here in your arms
My soul does rest with ease
Your touch speaks softly to my heart
With you I am at total peace
Your eyes that sparkle with wonder lust
And beckons me to come
Tells my heart all it needs to know
Sings praises of our love.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Change Of Focus

I’ve been working the last several months on learning to run. I know that probably seems weird, but I’ve never been much of an athlete (unless you consider shopping a sport, for that I have a gold medal). I’m not one who enjoys suffering by choice much, which makes the whole athletic thing a little more difficult for me. I see these people running in the 102-degree heat, sweat pouring off of them and I think “How Cool”. I’ve always wished I was a little more determined about competition and endurance but that’s just not the way I’m wired. Anywhoo…. A friend asked if I would start running with her a few months ago, so I agreed. The first few weeks we ran on the track at the gym every morning, and for the first few weeks I was literally mad at her by the time our workout had ended. I had almost convinced myself that I had some kind of physical problem that caused me to feel like I was having an out of body experience about 39 seconds into my run. At 42 seconds into it run my thighs felt like they were literally made of steel and my feet felt like concrete blocks. The horrendous gasping noise that bellowed from my lungs pretty much disrupted the friendly basketball game that went on below us. Lucky for me we moved our workouts back to the treadmill and the elliptical machine where they belonged. My inability to gracefully suffer was more controllable on the machine. I didn’t completely give up on running, when on the treadmill I’ve been running a minute walking a few minutes and gradually working my way up to….. This morning. This morning I got in the zone, found my mojo, Stella got her groove! I found a spot on the wall in front of me, I created a visual image of His arms reaching out to catch me and I began to run. I continued to run toward that image and found I didn’t want to stop. I felt like I was flying. My legs didn’t hurt, my lungs weren’t screaming, all I could feel was an energizing light coming from someplace on that wall. When I ran past our scheduled workout time, my friend looked at me in complete amazement, (I have that affect on people sometimes) and asked what on earth had happened. It’s just a matter of changing my focus from being on me to being on Him.

Friday, October 2, 2009

What's Next?

The house is quiet this morning. The moon is still bright outside, the sun still in hiding. It definitely feels like fall, I love it. Not so many years ago the house would have been filled with the turmoil of getting children dressed for school, the baby fed and a husband off to work. Things have certainly slowed down with the oldest two children now grown and living their own lives. It's something as a parent that is bittersweet. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of little feet running up and down the stairs in pajamas with the feet in them. Nothing more heartwarming than giggles coming from a darkened room where everyone is suppose to be sleeping, and there's nothing more empty feeling then when those sounds have long left your home. The sound of the daily news now runs in the background of my life along with the pitter patter of not little feet but some honkin big paws. I'm not sure a man can fully understand what it's like for a woman to raise her children and set them on their path to freedom. There's a hole in my heart that won't heal because of their absence. I wouldn't bring them back for anything in the world, because I set in my heart from the start that their independance was something I would embrace with joy and I absolutely do; it's not so much for them that I mourn it's but for myself (selfishness I'm sure). My youngest turns 15 this month. From past experience I know what that means. In a flash he'll be gone too. I'll admit that I struggle with my purpose, my goals and my dreams now that all but one has left the nest. So much time, effort, energy invested... now I'm at a loss of where I go from here. I never really dreamed past my children. Never really made plans past the part where they were raised so here I sit in the early morning hours wondering... what's next?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Amazing Faith

Yesterday my friend faced one of the biggest challenges of her life. Her attitude is a testimony to everyone who meets her. It makes me wonder how those without faith in an omnipotent God face these types of trials. Regardless what life throws at me I hope to handle it just like she has handled this… With Amazing Faith!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Breast Cake

The breast cake was made by using the Cinderella cake pan. Instead of putting a Barbie doll in the middle, we put a nipple.

Final Wave

Goodbye Kiss

As twisted as it seems, the boob balloon was purchased online from a adult sex toy site. Ya, I know it seems a little weird, but the girl who actually purchased them hasn't complained about not being able to get off their mailing list... JK

Breast Cancer Awareness Snuggies Warm The Heart

Bye Bye Boobie Pre-Mastectomy Party

One of the greatest blessing in my life has been the relationship I have with what I lovingly refer to as "The Girlfriends". We have raised our kids together, went through the loss of parents together, watched our children leave the nest one by one together and celebrated numerous milestones of life together. We are close knit, bound together and very protective of our relationship. Our friendship isn't something that just happened over night, it evolved over time with each and every twist and turn that life has thrown our way. As we've gotten older we have begun to realize that it is a unique bond that is not only shared by us, but also by our husbands and children. We are a family. Three weeks ago, one of the girlfriends receive the dreaded news that she had breast cancer. It actually took about a week for it to really sink in that this was happening to her. She took the news with incredible faith and has the best outlook possible. Tomorrow she faces a total mastectomy. A surgery like that is just... well, words can't really describe but monumental will have to do. We felt that something like that just couldn't happen without some sort of recognition so we decided to throw a "Bye Bye Boobie Party". When I first told my husband, he was like, "hmm, you think that is really appropriate"? Actually next to a prayer meeting (we are in constant prayer concerning this already) I couldn't think of anything more appropriate. We've got one of two ways to look at this, one is with dread and the other is a sense of humor. Out of those two options we all agreed humor would serve her much better than doom and gloom, so let the party begin. Last night we partied with a precious boob cake, she wore a boob crown and we told boob jokes.... It was all things boobs. We wore our cancer awareness pink snuggies and toward the end of the evening we ventured outside with boob balloons in hand to let go and say goodbye to her boob. It was one of the sweetest memories I have, the love, the support and the fun had by all. The next few months will not be fun for her or for us. There will be times when she doesn't feel well or feel positive and we are preparing ourselves for that time. The best we can do is just be there for her and love her through this. As our boob balloons floated away into the night sky we all waved and realized the possibility that if this could happen to her, a woman of tremendous faith, it could happen to any of us. It made us aware that hey, we need to get those annual mammos and do regular exams. It also made us even more aware that our relationship is even more important in times like these. When you have to say goodbye, it's nice to have others standing with you to hold your hand, wipe a tear and maybe even crack a joke.. After all what are friends for.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Wrapped In Love

A friend of my recently found out she has breast cancer. As someone who loves to “fix things”, knowing how to handle this has been challenging. I want to be supportive, but I don’t want to hover. I want to be upbeat, but I don’t want to be dismissive. She has been wonderful! She has a great attitude and a positive outlook, which makes the job of a friend easier. I know that this is going to be a long journey and there are going to be times, I’m sure, when she is going to have a difficult time staying positive. Another friend of mine called me this weekend with a wonderful idea. We each wrote several cards with scriptures on them, broke into her house while she was away and hung them all over the house. I got a text when she arrived home to find we had vandalized her house, she said she felt totally wrapped in love…. And that’s exactly how we wanted her to feel. I can’t fix her problem, and to a large degree I can’t relate to what she is going through, but while she is going through it, I can stand beside her and wrap her in my unconditional love and prayers.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Matter Of Prospective

Not long ago I was walking my English Mastiff (Sailor) along the quiet sidewalks of our neighborhood. Sailor weighs approximately 150+ lbs. and stands about hip high. I've gotten used to her size and actually she doesn't seem that big to me, but she attracts a lot of attention on our walks. People are always stopping to ask what kind of dog she is and how much she weights. She is a real sweetie and still thinks she is a lap dog. I kid you not that I have several bruises from her trying to lay in mommas lap. I like taking walks with her because someone hopefully would think twice about messing with a woman walking 150lb dog. She makes me feel a little more safe. So, the other day we are sauntering down the sidewalk past a house that has a little dog that maybe weighed 7lbs soaking wet. It was a yapper. The yapper boldly walked to the edge of the yard and began protesting our presence in his territory. The owners eyes popped open when she looked up and saw the size of dog her dog was scolding. She quickly grabbed it's collar to move it back to a safer distance. What she didn't see was my 150lb dog tuck her tail between her legs and begin to coward away from what she thought was a threat to her safety. I had to laugh out loud that Sailor was afraid of a dog that she could completely hide inside her mouth. Fear in the face of life's threats is something I sometimes lose prospective on. Sometimes my immediate response to a threat is to tuck my tail and run, forgetting that I am not just anyone, I am The King's Kid. My daddy has an army of angels surrounding me. Most of the things that come my way are usually nothing more than a yapper, nipping at my heals, more of an annoyance than a threat. But sometimes my problems seem to loom above me like a dark overpowering cloud making me feel small and insignificant. God never meant for me to feel this way, he wants me to feel the power of his blood and his name pumping through my veins. I'm not just a conqueror, I'm more than a conqueror. My security in the face of danger isn't dependent only on who I am, but whose I am... a fact I need to keep in prospective.

Friday, September 25, 2009

More Than A Feeling

It's Friday... and all the peasants rejoiced!!! It's been a long week for me, not sure why, just not "feelin it" on many fronts. Perhaps that's why I am especially thankful this week that God's love for me isn't dependent on how I feel. It's a comfort to know when I feel unlovable he still loves me. When I feel disconnected his arms are lovingly tucked around me. Life may take me on a roller coaster ride of emotions but his love is constant and it's way more than a feelin.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Stand Out!!

Last night our church joined with several others to sponsor a See You At The Pole Rally. We had over 150 kids attend. It was great seeing so many kids come together for the cause of proclaiming Christ. It may be true that some came for pizza and some for volleyball, but if just one came to know Christ then mission accomplished. Standing in the back of the room I couldn’t help but notice what a tremendous force all of those kids, standing shoulder to shoulder made. If we could just realize that we do not stand alone, nor do we stand in vain, but when we stand united for the cause of Christ, WE STAND OUT!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Creature of Habit

Is it possible to look in the face of a bulldog and not know that we serve a whimsical wonderful God? Two years ago my husband surprised me with a new bulldog. My previous bulldog had to be put down several years before due to health problems. My heart was so broken by the loss I didn’t know if I could stand the risk of owning another one. Of course, before I could scoop Riley up in my arms she had me lock, stock and barrel in love with that face!!! I just love bulldogs. Riley may be a bulldog but her personality could not be been more different than my previous one. She is always just itching for trouble and as a puppy I thought “Oh my goodness, what have I gotten myself into”. She is uncharacteristically hyper for that particular breed and when she was a puppy you couldn’t just grab that face and take advantage of those beloved bully kisses or you’d come up missing a nose. She loves to wrestle but can get all caught up in the moment and cross over to the dark side like Darth Vader on steroids. At a few months old I decided I needed to lay down the boundaries and show her who was boss before she out weighed me in muscle and attitude. I had to become a no-nonsense Mom that stuck to my guns when she pushed the limit. Very quickly she figured out that I had her number and she began to calm down and settle into a routine. Having a crate is such a great tool for training. When she gets tired she’ll waddle to her crate and tuck herself in for the night. Occasionally she still gets a “wild hair” and acts like a child hyped up on sugar. When she does, her whole body wiggles seemingly uncontrollably because she’s trying to wag a tail she doesn’t have. During one of her moods she’ll get up in someone’s business, knowing that’s not where she belongs. A stern word form me will send her running as fast as her little short legs will carry her into her crate. Unfortunately because of her body mass, if she’s picked up enough speed, she can’t come to a complete stop once she enters the crate. That’s when the crate wall comes in handy. With a big bang she’ll go into time out (sometimes on her own accord) and plop down as she tries to gain her composure. Something about that crate gives her what she needs to gather herself together so others can stand to be around her and so she can stand to be around herself. Before the holidays last year I moved her crate into the dining room to give me more room in the kitchen. After several weeks of the crate being in the dining room she had “one of her spells”. I told her to go to time out at which time she ran full speed ahead into the breakfast nook (where the crate no long was) and crashed right into the wall. I laughed until I thought I was going to cry! She was just so used to running in there that she totally forgot in her moment, the location had changed. Today I was thinking…. That’s how I am with God. He is my hiding place, the place I go when the storms of life get too much for me. He is where I go when I can’t stand to be around myself. Instead of being my last resort, he is my resort. And unlike Riley’s crate, God’s location never changes. At the first sign of trouble I turn to him and run as fast as my little short legs will carry me into his protective arms…. Yes, there is nothing better than being a creature of habit.

A Life Poured Out

A trip to the city afforded us the opportunity to stop in on the City Rescue Mission to see the place where our Son works and lives.  Probably everyone has some preconceived notions about a mission designed to help the homeless and the addicted.  We were plesantly surprised to find it a well organized, cheerful place.  Our Son proudly showed us around and introduced us to the staff.  They have an area for children, a medical facility, pretty much anything a person would need to begin the process of putting their lives back together.  It was amazing to see how comfortable he was in this environment.  When he was in High School, he went on his first mission trip to Mexico. I'll never forget his words when he came home.... "Mom, when I grow up I want to move there and live with those people".  God placed a desire in his heart on that mission trip that hasn't been watered down by materialism, education, or youthful desires.  The desire to pour his life out so that others can know Christ still burns as passionately in his heart today as it did they day he returned from Mexico.... in fact it burns a little hotter.  Seeing how fulfilled he is by pouring his talents and time into others, makes me a little ashamed that I don't spend more time doing the same.  Never in my life have I seen someone get by so well with so little.  The more he pours his life out, the more blessings God pours into his life. He is truly someone I'd like to model my life after.  A Mother's heart cannot help but swell with pride and a lump never ceases to form in my throat when I ponder the blessings he's bringing to others. My prayer over my children has always been "Lord help them to become everything  you created them to be in you".... the truth is he created each one of us to live a poured out life so that we can be fully filled with him.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Never Give Up!!!

Last night our family went to see a friend of ours play college football. Boy, was that a good game. The weather was perfect for football.  The game rocked along with our team in the lead until 24 seconds left in the game.  Against all odds the opposing team scored a touchdown putting them ahead of us by 2 points!!! With just seconds left in the game our team took the ball and quickly marched it down the field to about the 40. With ONE SECOND left of the clock we kicked a field goal and won by an amazing one point!!!! Geeze, that is hard on the blood pressure.  After the game, the coach praised the team for never giving up.  Made me think of how many times I've come so close to a personal goal only to quit when all seem hopeless.  How many last minute victories have I failed to see because I had packed up and gone home with seconds left in my game?  Next time I feel like giving up I'll remember the game with one second left and a team that didn't give up.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Treasures on Earth

I had an invitation last night to visit a friend who just found out she has breast cancer.  It was the end of a long week and typically I might have turned down the invite just because I was tired.  But in light of the new diagnosis I thought twice about missing the opportunity to cuddle up on her couch and do some heart to heart "girl talk", especially after she threw in the phrase  (jokingly) "No pressure if you don't want to come.... even though I do have cancer". 

It was a wonderful evening. We chatted about everything and nothing at all. We laughed and talked about what she is facing in the coming weeks and months.  I do not believe she is going to die from this cancer, but it does make me think about the choices I make. What if I had missed the opportunity to bask in her wisdom, laugh at her jokes and just relax with her like you do a good book on a rainy day?  What would I have gained had I chosen to be too tired?

Friendship is one of the most precious treasures we are allowed on earth. Friendships are not a dime a dozen, they are not easy to maintain and if for some reason you lose one it will leave an undeniable whole in your soul. Few things in life will add more texture, color and joy than the comfort of a friend. Every second you spend maintaining a friendship that can last a lifetime is worth every ounce of love you put into it, and the rewards will be like golden nuggets of pure sunshine in what can be a very dark and lonely world. How about your friendship? Have they been buried? You might want to dig them up, dust them off and put them back in the place they belong..... your heart.

Friday, September 18, 2009

How Much Do You Trust Me?

I got a phone call this morning (3 a.m.) from my daughter who is on deployment in enemy waters. When she joined the military she quickly found out that she was basically raised in a bubble. As I used to tell her when she would call home home "they call this area the bible belt for a reason". After catching up on the family and friend chit chat, she briefly began to describe where they are. "Mom, I don't know how to describe it, but when you go up on deck it's like there is this..... ominous feeling.... it feels like evil here". Then she mentioned that a couple of the ships in their fleet had actually been fired upon in the last couple of days. As I hung up from talking to her I turned to her Dad and told him what she had said. As he said, "She is where it all began and she is where it all will end". At that very moment fear threatened to grip my heart like never before, but it didn't. At just a couple of months old my husband and I stood before the alter where we both took our vows and gently cradled our first born in our arms as the ministered prayed his dedication prayer over her and our family. At that moment I gave God what I had always wanted.... my child. Since I was old enough to want to be something, I wanted to be a Mother. Giving birth was the greatest joy in my life next to watching those precious children grow into balanced, God-loving adults. That day standing at the alter I gave God my child, to have and to hold, to love and to protect all the days of her life. Do I trust him enough to know he protects her in the middle of the ocean? Do I trust him enough to know his hand will shelter her from all danger? Do I trust him with every breath she takes? I can shout a resounding YES, my God is able! There is a peace in knowing I am not the one in control. Am I concerned? Yes. But I will not fear. I will rest in the knowledge that God has everything in his perfect control and all I have to do is sit back and believe. Yes, my God is able, I trust him that much!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better today... guess I'm getting caught up on my sleep. I went to bed at 7:00 last night and I haven't been upset today at all. Got another email from my daughter and she sounded great. She received a couple of care packages. One of them had the letters my friend's 5th grade class wrote to her. She absolutely loved them. Another friend sent her several old movies and my cousin sent her a Navy bible. She was excited to get her presents. My husband is doing amazing!!! He is getting around so much quicker than the last time he had surgery. I'm excited for him and hope he feels like a new man soon.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Full Meltdown Mode!!

Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day. For one it's been a few days since I got an email from my daughter and the last one I got said they were taking her to the carrier to be checked out and they found out she had kidney stones (for 4 weeks). Then in addition to being worried sick about her I fought with the insurance company all day long about medication the hospital said my husband absolutely had to have to prevent blood clotting. They wanted me to just go ahead and pay for it out of pocket while they determined if they would pay for it and till they could get it mailed to us. That particular medicine cost over $5000.00. The doctors office told me to come to the office and they would give me a 10 day supply and I found that out with just enough time to make the drive (1.5 hr) before they closed. The stress, lack of sleep and everything came together to create the perfect total meltdown that resulted in me crying myself to sleep only to wake up this morning with puffy eyes and my sinuses feeling like they have every intention of exploding. The good news is, I got an email from my daughter and she passed the stone/stones. Her kidneys were very sore and stressed so the doctor gave her something to calm them down. She already feels better and may get to do some sightseeing in the beautiful place they have pulled into.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Update on Sick at sea

Got an email from my daughter early this morning. She said the dr. on her ship told her he was taking her to see the surgeon on the carrier as soon as they reached port. He told her he would be really mad at her if the surgeon couldn't find anything wrong. She isn't worried about that because a person dosen't throw up, run a fever and have severe abdominal pain for 4 weeks for no reason. Since a carrier has a full hospital onboard, I'm guessing if it is her gallbladder they will do surgery. I'm wondering if they will notify me if they do surgery. Email is my only communication with her and since she will be on another ship, I'm not sure she will be able to notify me. Oh well, time will tell. My other medical concern is my husband. Got him home today from his hip surgery. Of course this is day 2 post op so it was the most painful day for him. The 1.5 hr drive home was difficult for him but he did pretty well. Getting him in the house, unpacked and then to the bathroom for a bath, dressed and back to bed was EXHAUSTING!!! When he went down for a nap I ran to the pharmacy, had to get dog food and was ready for a complete meltdown by the time I got home. He has slept since I put him to bed this afternoon and I've been checking on him to make sure he's breathing cause he hasn't slept this well since we left for the hospital. It's about time for me to wake him up to give him his shot in the belly which I really dread. Luckily for me I talked the nurse into giving us a shot (blood thinner) to bring home with us. I took our prescribtion to the pharmacy and they couldn't fill it without authorization from the dr. Okay insurance company person (not a rocket scientist), a person has total hip replacement, has to have blood thinner to prevent bloodclotting, it's not only a weekend, but a holiday weekend, dr won't be in office until Tuesday and you can't authorize enough blood thinner to get us through a couple of days until he can fill out the paperwork he didn't know you would need to fill a vital prescribtion????? Really? This is the kind of thing that makes people want to go postal on insurance companies. Anyway, I'm exhaused, stressed, and pretty sure I see an early bedtime in my near future.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Big Ole' Bump

My bump took on a life of it's own this morning and I totally love it. Started reading the book "Staging Your Comeback A Complete Beauty Revival For Women Over 45". I'm just going to put this out there... they will have to pry my frosted eyeshadow out of my cold dead hands. Nothing I've read in any of these books has convinced me that you have to shun the sparkle when your sparkle begins to fade.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Sick At Sea

My daughter left several weeks ago for her first deployment. She has been sick for 4 weeks. First they said she had a kidney infection with fever and they gave her IV antibiotics. She continued to run fever and they said she had the flu, the next week they said she had bronchitis gave her an inhaler. She has continues to throw up, lose weight, not been able to eat and last night she woke up with severe abdominal pain, tender to the touch, medical thinks it may be gallbladder. I'm not understanding why they don't just fly her to the carrier to do some testing to see what the heck is going on. This Navy Mom is ready to row a boat out to the middle of the ocean take charge of a certain DDG!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Weight loss and Worries

Went to the Dr. this weekend and I had lost a lousy 7 lbs. Not that I'm not thankful for the loss, but considering the fact that I've restricted my intake so much plus added 15-25 minutes to my workout, I'm a little discouraged. Talked with a friend of mine recently who over the last couple of years has visably gotten thicker around the middle. She said that despite running 6 miles a day she hasn't been able to shed that worrisome thickness we all dread when we reach "that time" in our female lives. So I'm wondering to myself if what used to be my above average weight, will now become my normal weight. I so don't want to have that thick middle!!!!! So this month I'm going to try adding a workout in the evening as many times a week as I can. That's working out 3 times a day. Geeze, being a woman shouldn't be this hard.