Houston, We've Reached a New Low

We don't look bored in this picture because all the kids are behind the photographer making us look more interesting.

When I was pregnant with my youngest, my husband and I worked as counselors for our church youth camp. We had one camper who whined THE ENTIRE camp because he "was bored." At the end of the camp, they always gave out little awards (The messy award, the friendly award). The little bored camper got the "I'm Bored Award." When they announced his award he fell from his chair, crying and rolling on the floor. It had been a fun week, but that was a priceless moment that topped the week off as the funniest moment of all. Today marks a month since we became empty-nesters. Now I remember why we had children. . .  We're just dang boring without em. Sadly, we're like Homer and Marge Simpson, sittin on the couch watchin our stories. Well, maybe not quite as bad as Homer and Marge, but pretty dang close. The good thing about empty nesting is, the grocery bill has plummeted. I've been on a cooking strike. Luckily, I'm married to a man who is perfectly content with frozen dinners. Well, I guess there is the slight chance my cooking is so bad that it's not missed, but for narcissistic purposes, let's go with the content thing. It's so boring at our house that I walked into the kitchen the other day and He said. . . "I'm bored. We should go on a hike or go bowling or something."  I just paused for a minute then said. . . "Yeah, we should." Then we just continued on with all the things we weren't doing. Yes, Houston we've reached a new low.

First Day.....

Having grown up beneath a church pew (Meaning back in the day before nursery services were provided), I remember the Pastor we had when I was little used to say. . . .  "Today is the first day of the rest of your life".  That's how I feel on this first empty nest Saturday.  I've had a weird surge of focus and energy this week, a therapist might say it could be indicative of being bipolar, I choose to see it as a mom reclaiming her nest. I do my best work when I'm alone. I've moved furniture, thrown stuff away, cleaned and organized my now empty nest. Surprisingly this first week wasn't bad, I was so busy, there wasn't any time to pout. My Hubby will come walking through the door any minute and I'm going to happily tell him. . . .  "Today is the first day of the rest of our lives!!?

All I've known......

There is a song by Matt Wertz titled "All I know".  I love the lyrics which can be interpreted in several different ways depending on my mood.

"All I know is the bleeding in my heart 

And the healing in your touch All I know is that you gave everything 

So let that be enough 'Cause it's all I know"

A girlfriend and I were talking the other day about our youngest leaving for college. In no uncertain terms she informed me we MUST plan a couple of girlfriend trips in August and September to help soften the blow of our empty nest. Today I sat at my desk and stared at the calendar hanging on my cubicle wall. One week, I had one week before I move my youngest to the City and everything I've ever known changes. Honestly, I feel like a big ole tit bag whining about the kids moving off to college, still, I can't help but spill whatever angst  I'm feeling onto a public blog in hopes that I'm not alone.... In a "It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to." kind of way. The truth is, there are some things in life, you simply cannot adequately prepare yourself for.  A friend of mine had breast cancer. As much as I wanted to understand her pain, I couldn't because I hadn't walked that path. A friend of mine suffered a devastating divorce from the father of her children and the man she was sure was her soul mate. It scared me so badly, I insisted my husband and I go to marriage counseling just so it wouldn't happen to us. My heart ached as I watched her attempt to put her shambled life back into order. I remember when as the baby of the family, I left home, I saw my parents struggling to get used to it being just the two of them again. In my brilliant mind I intended to take proactive steps to prevent the eventual empty nest from catching us off guard, so we've done everything in our power to maintain our relationship. But as I looked at the calendar on the wall, I fear we haven't done enough and panic seized my gut. Women are nurturers, that's just what we do. I got married young and had children 

young. The idea of going off on my own was short lived and squashed after graduation, so marriage seemed like the logical next step. All I'd ever dreamed of being was a wife and a mother. Now looking back, that's all I've ever known.... Which isn't a bad thing, but has become a very scary thing. My dreams never really developed past the point of when the children were grown and gone. As my last child entered high school, I realized that all I've ever known was pleasing other people.... There really hadn't been energy or courage to do things outside other people's expectations. When I think of moving my son next week, I almost get physically ill. The house is going to be so still.... Big... Empty. What will I do? I look at my husband, whom I adore, and I wonder if we'll have anything to talk about for the next 30 years. We're really not that interesting. He knows all of my stories, I've heard all of his stories and there is an overwhelming panic that I'm just going to cease to exist. I know that probably sounds overly dramatic, but that's what's 

going through my head this week. I remember when the babies were learning to walk.... How they would hold onto a piece of furniture and my husband would get in front of them, with his arms outstretched, encouraging them. I would walk behind with my hands cupped under the bottoms in case they lost their footing and fell. Why was I so afraid of them falling? Naturally, I wanted to prevent them from getting hurt, but in reality, babies have very short legs and we bubble wrap their butts the minute they come into this world, so a fall from a standing position onto a padded bottom isn't a life threatening event, yet there we were, hands cupped from behind, hands held up in front, just in case the knees wobbled and the wee one plopped to the floor. That's a little how I feel about my youngest moving out. I desperately want to prevent him from all kinds of mistakes, but could I really? I've never ventured the path he is about to embark upon. I've never experienced taking those first steps alone. So what is really at the root of my anxiety. The root of my anxiety is the fear I have about my own future, not his. Mistakes are inevitable and he'll live though them. When it's all mixed together, it's just the process of living a full life. Insecurity breeds insecurities. If I refuse to let go, he's just going to resist my grip all the more. I have to let go and trust he can do it and believe that even with the absence of a house full of kids, my husband and I will paddle our way through this shallow part of the river, to deeper waters ahead.

The Strangled Sob Behind a Poker Face

I was a weepy mess last week for no particular reason at all and I'm not much better today. I know all good things much end, and yes I suppose new adventures are just a breath away, but gosh, being a mom is hard. Several months ago, my youngest sat on our couch and with absolute resolve and made it perfectly clear that he WAS NOT going to college. He did it in almost a temper tantrum kind of way... Well I say that, but actually no voices were raised or harsh words spoken, it's just that he was adamant that he would not go to college regardless of how we felt. The conversation left me baffled and confused. Although the subject of college had been discussed between his siblings and him, we had never broached the subject with him, nor him with us (yes, I'm sure that's bad parenting 101).

Early last week he gently knocked on my bedroom door as I was reading. He came into the room looking at his phone and in teenage mumble/murmuring speak, told me that he was going to Oklahoma City next week to enroll in OCCC. He said he had already sent his transcript in and just needed to sign up for classes. Much like the haircut, I tried my best to "Act Nach" and not torpedo him with the million questions inquiring mothers like to ask, so I simply said.... "Okay, is that something you would like dad and I to go with you to do?" I tread the waters very lightly with him because frankly, he doesn't quite know how to take me and I don't quite know how to take him which is a complete 180 compared to my older children. His teenage years have been a learning process for me that darn near required psychic abilities I do not possess... Psycho abilities yes, psychic abilities no. He shrugged his shoulder and said (in teenage mumble/murmuring speak) "Well, like sure, if y'all like want to go, that would be fine.... I guess."  Quickly my mind translated the message in "Uniquely Patterson" speak and determined the answer was... "Sure, I'd love for you to go." or at least I think that's the translation as I would like it to be. The idea that my youngest was actually going to leave, hit me in the stomach like a boxers upper cut. Parenting is a series of letting go. I absolutely don't want my children living their lives

around my wants, wishes or needs, but that doesn't make letting go easy or painless. I remember when each one of them were just learning to walk. After a fall on their padded diapered bottoms, they would look to me to assess if I thought they were hurt. The way I responded to the fall had much more significance than the actual fall itself.  They were more likely to burst into tears when I rushed to their aid as if something was wrong than they were when I simply smiled and encouraged them to get up, assuring them they were okay. The changes and paths they take in life as adults aren't much different.  When they come to me with decisions to make, or questions I don't have the answer for, I wish I did have psychic abilities or a crystal ball to direct them in the absolute perfect direction. As a mom without all the answers, all I can do is to let them know I support them 100% regardless of the choices they make.  I try to keep a sense of calm about me even when I desperately want to tuck them under my wing and never let them go. Watching their world unfold before my very eyes is both exciting and scary... A tiny part of me would like to fold it back up and start all over again.... Without the rookie mistakes I made as a young parent. The sound you hear as I watch them fly farther, higher and stronger from the nest is nothing short of a strangled sob hidden behind a loving smile and a very good poker face.

The Bitter Sweet Taste of Change

Seth catches the garter

One of our boys got married this week. Not one of My boys, but one of the boys that feels like mine (does that make any sense at all). I was doing just fine until the music started and then the tears took over and the chill bumps ran up and
down my arms. How could it be that they are all grown up adults now,taking wives and having children? It's absolutely what you're shooting for when you
become a parent, to see your children grow into functioning adults, but then watching it actually happen, rips a tiny bit of your heart out. I had this sudden urge to stand up and shout "Stop! Let's rewind back a few
years when you were just a wee one and let me pinch your cheeks again." Yeah, that wouldn't be inappropriate at all at a friends wedding, so I sat there biting my tongue until I was pretty sure a steady stream of crimson blood was running down my chin, but no, it was just tears. Sweet, bitter, happy and sad tears, all at the same time. Life is truly a complex mixture of

all of the above and it leaves a salty taste on your lips as you
kiss the past goodbye and smile hopefully into the eyes of forever.

Cycle of Influence

Yesterday I was thinking of how lucky I am to have such great kids. Two of them are now adults and #3 is on his way. It's such a blessing to watch how they have grown into their own identities, to watch them slowly develop into who they are today. Looking back I have to give credit to the multitude of people

who have influenced their lives. My kids have been blessed by being surrounded by the best. There are countless people who have influenced their lives from the time they were tiny tots to today. Babysitters who played with them, teachers who taught them, grandparents who loved them, an uncle who would wrestle them till his eyes bled, church family who counseled them, children's workers who guided them, youth leaders who admonished them, parents of peers who sat a good examples for them, coaches who challenged them, employers who depended on them and co-workers who befriended them. Countless people who touched their lives in small ways, ordinary ways and outstanding ways. Each touch adding to another, molding, shaping and helping them become who they are today. Most of those people have no clue the amount of influence they've had on them. Some of them did so intentionally, but others did so just by living their lives, doing what

they do every day without thinking twice about the words that were spoken or the deeds that were done. Wow!!! Makes you stop and think doesn't it. When I thought about all of the people who touched their lives,  it reminded me of the quote from Ronald Reagan....

"Surround yourself with the best people you can find, delegate authority, and don't interfere as long as the policy you've decided upon is being carried out".

This seems like an odd quote to associate with parenting, but then again, if you change the word policy to values, it fits perfectly!

It may not have been said with parenting in mind, but it certainly makes sense. Values are important and the more people you have setting examples of your values to your children, the more likely they'll be to "get it". It was always funny to me how my husband and I could suggest something and our kids would think we were totally wacked out, but have someone else say the same thing, and suddenly it takes on a whole different tune.  Little did they know the voices all around them were echoing our values. I'll never credit myself for being a great parent, but I will give myself credit for making sure my kids were surrounded by people who were a great influence on them.  I wish I could reach out to each and every person who helped them become who they are today. The amazing thing is now they are the ones influencing others, who will influence someone else and the cycle continues.


Proverbs 27:

 ¹⁷ As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
   

Sunday Morning With Wee Ones

I got to play hall monitor this morning in the children's section of church. I watched as harried and tired parents hustled their wee ones to the children's area and with a sigh of relief (or reprieve) they headed to the sanctuary for a "Where the rubber meets the road" sermon that hopefully helped them make it through another week.  Young parents need all the help they can get as they work and try to to be super parents to the precious little bundles of joy God has given them. I watched as one Dad walked toward the area with his hands completely full of his wee one. She clasped on the floor in a heap with a little squeal. Finally he got her to use her two legs and they got in line behind other young parents checking their kids into class. As he stood in line we chatted as his wee one pretended he was a jungle gym, hanging from his pockets, climbing up his leg.  I couldn't help but chuckle as I told him that all too soon his frantic house would fall eerily silent due to the fact that wee ones grow up much faster than we anticipate.  Time certainly seems to fly when you're raising kids and having so much fun you can hardly stand it. I remember Sunday mornings with little ones. I remember being so flustered by the time I got to church, I felt like I needed to walk straight into the sanctuary and hit the alter to pray through before church started. For some reason (maybe it's because I was a bit of control freak where dressing the kids were concerned) my husband never grasped the idea that although boys shirts buttoned in the front, little girls dresses typically buttoned in the back. Nor did he understand the concept that little girls socks needed to be put on in what looked like an inside out fashion so when you turned the cuffs down the lacy side showed. He never did understand the need for a big glob of K-Y Jelly on the top of a bald head so a bow (which matched the dress that buttoned in the back) could be held in place. Yep, I raised my two oldest in the days before giant headbands for baby girls and nurseries with nursery attendants for all ages of children. Back in the day we had the task of keeping our babies and toddlers occupied during service, making sure they didn't disrupt the whole church.  We tried to glean nuggets out of the sermon between juggling our kids, but sometimes we were just proud that we made it there and back home in one piece. When service was over, I felt like I had been mauled by a couple of pit bulls (for some reason my husband never felt that way). Yeah, the sight of harried parents and squealing children brought back all of those delightful memories this morning and as I walked away I realized just thinking about them made me extremely tired.  I suppose that's why God lets you have kids when you are young.  Even with the mauling, the climbing and the projectile vomiting, I still wouldn't trade those memories for a room full of gold. I do so enjoy watching today's young parents fight the good fight and I especially enjoy watching grandparents pitching in, helping out and making the fight a little easier. One little guy passed by me this morning who was the spitting image of his papa and and I don't know.... It just makes me smile. Maybe some day I'll have a little one who is the spitting image of their Lolly.... Oh, won't that be fun!!!!!

If Motherhood Was Easy, God Would Have Given The Job To Men

Oh gosh! Motherhood is a difficult journey regardless if you're the one traveling, or if you are watching someone else travel. I have a co-worker who is preparing to pack her baby girl up and move her several hours away. As a Mom who has had that same experience, it hurts. When you carry a child in your womb, nurture and protect it, give birth to it and then raise it...... You are wildly attached to it! I know many men would disagree but growing a child inside of you gives you a spiritual and physical bond men just don't have. That's not to say that men don't love their children, it's just very different than the connection women feel for their children (of course this is just a woman's view). I know when my two older children moved away I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and I was left with a gapping bleeding hole. Although I hurt, I rejoiced that they were physically, mentally and emotionally capable of packing up and leaving. Embracing my childs independence wasn't an easy task, but it was a necessary task.  After the fact I realized how blessed I am to have equipped my child enough to leave the nest, spread their wings and sore to heights that I have never seen.  My heart has ached for her as I've watched her prepare herself the last two weeks, in fact we have shared a few tears over it. But I know that she will live through this time, even if it is with a gapping bleeding hole and when she steps back to see how much her daughter has grown, that hole will be filled with pride at a job well done. I got your back Sister..... You will survive.