Alice Finally Hits Pay Dirt

What the Alice in Wonderland movie (or book for that matter) didn't tell you, was when Alice fell down the rabbit hole, she was so dazed by the fall, that it completely messed up her workout routine. While she was running around talking to crazy rabbits and having tea with the Mad Hatter, she was also packing on some serious butt fat.  No, that was no petticoat under her apron dress, that was all her :-) Yeah, it's not exactly Hollywood movie material, but trust me, that's exactly how it went down. If you have no idea what I'm talking about you can go here

http://tbirecovery4sp.blogspot.com

or just exit and close. Either way makes me no never mind.

I've had the almost flu all week. I never really felt like I was going to die, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't the true flu, but still, I've felt pretty lousy. Tonight when I got home I was laying on the bed talking with my husband. Well, I was pretending to listen while my mind went running down 100 different rabbit trails because that's what people with ADHD do. But, to his credit he probably thought I was listening to him, cause he's just adorable like that.  When there was enough of a pause in the conversation that it wouldn't be awkward and totally obvious that I wasn't listening in the first place I jumped up from the bed and headed out of the room....  "Where you going?"  I told him I was just going to dig through the closet underneath the stairs and take a look in my skinny clothes tote. When I came back into the room with an armload of clothes he shook his head and said.... "Boy women are so different than men."  Well, duh! That's what makes life so fun. Think about it for a second. If the earth was full of nothing but men... How boring would that be. Women add spice and high heels to life, but that's just my opinion.  I thought he was referring to the fact that most women have a skinny side of the closet, a fat side of the closet and then somewhere in between side of the closet.... Because yes, things flucuate with us, can I get a witness. No, that wasn't what he was talking about, he just thought it was weird that I could be so sick and then come home and want to try on clothes. Well let's be honest, it's only because I was going down in the size of clothing I was trying on, had it been the opposite, I would have been sicker than a dog and wouldn't be trying on anything.  It's just one of those women things that men could never wrap their minds around in a billion years and exactly why we make things so interesting. So he watches me try on an armload of clothes (with much interest I might add), and to his utter joy (because the evening would not have gone well if nothing had fit), all of my old clothes fit.  No, I am no super model, never will be, but thank you Jesus I can finally pack the fat side of my closet into  totes and tuck them under the stairs.  Now I won't have to go buy all new clothes.... But come to think of it,  I still need to replace those jeans the EMT guys cut off of me and I do have a wedding to go to. Maybe a little shopping but certainly not a whole wardrobe :-)

The Dark Dance

I went to get my nails done this week and my friend gave me a belated birthday present. Since I was still a little tacky (not attitude, just the nails), I asked her to open it for me because I couldn't wait to see what it was. She opened it up and it was a framed print that said...

Gosh!!! I got tears in my eyes and I just gave her the biggest hug because she couldn't have gotten me anything more perfect. I won't retell the story, if you wish to read it you can find it at....
http://tbirecovery4sp.blogspot.com/  Let's just say last year was a difficult year. In fact it was so clumsy and awkward it makes even my skiing look graceful in comparison. If you've ever been fortunate enough to see me ski, you would understand what a statement that truly is. My favorite ballet is the Nutcracker. I would go see it every Christmas if I could. Last year had it's ups and downs just like a ballet. It was a roller coaster of emotion, events and drama. I wish I had been a more graceful dancer, but then again if I were graceful, I wouldn't have a story to tell. As Momma would say, "It looked like a bull in a china cabinet." Looking back from this side, I realize more and more just how dark it was. Thankfully I wasn't left out on the dance floor alone and it wasn't the final act of the ballet. I stumbled into His arms last year and did a dark dance in the shelter of His love. I'm living in daylight now and yes, I'm ready to dance, but this time I think I'd rather break out the disco ball and boogie down.

Ecclesiastes 3:4

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance
  

Question and Answer Segment of Heaven

My Husband said this weekend.... "I'm sick of being sick." This weekend he came down with something... Who knows if it was what I had or something different. I just know he felt bad enough to miss work which almost never happens. I wore my happy pants all day Saturday but I must have forgotten and put them in the laundry Saturday night because this morning I woke up with that terrible blue feeling... Not the overwhelming sadness I had last year, just an achy sadness in the pit of my chest. After my pity fest in the bubble bath (what a great place to cry your heart out to God), I put my big girl panties on and kept the demons at bay for most of the day.When I get to heaven, after the rejoicing has taken place and everyone has settled down, I'd really like to ask God just a few simple questions... You know during the question and answer portion of eternity that's scheduled sometime right after the praise and worship service.Why women were born with so many dadgum emotions? A woman's emotions are a lot like the weather in Oklahoma.... Probably one of the few states where you can experience every season all in one day and sometimes all in the same day. Thanks to the abundance of raging hormones God gave women,or at least this woman, I can, and have, routinely experienced every human emotion and sometimes done so within minutes of each other. Thankfully it doesn't happen all the time, but I really hate it each time it does happen. Some of the things I beat myself up over today.....

A) I'm not as good a friend to people as I once was
B) I should have handled last year better
C) I must be a bad person because I can't fix other people's 
   people's problems
D) I felt guilty because my husband was sick (I'm sure I made        him that way) and I was getting over being sick so I
   skipped church
E) I was angry at the medical profession because there are still
   illnesses they don't know how to cure that I feel should have
   been cured long ago (Can I hear an Amen Sista?)
F) A friend who has had breast cancer is going through yet
   another surgery and I am unable to "stand in" for her so
   she won't have to go through it
G) A little patient on Grey's Anatomy had to break up with his
   long time girlfriend in order to receive his long awaited
   lung transplant 

The good news is... Apparently I didn't have enough to worry about today so my mind created all kinds of junk to moan about. Could be worse, this day could have lasted forever like it did last year, but thank God it didn't.

Sleepless In Seattle... Just Getting Out of Bed

This may seem like a really dumb post to some, but it means something to me. If you don't "get it" then you probably aren't meant to "get it" and that's ok. It's my healing, and only my husband and I really understands what that means. Feel free to hit the delete button cause that's what it's there for:-)
This scene from Sleepless In Seattle never fails to move me, but especially last year. I hadn't lost my husband, but I did lose someone I was very close to.... Myself. Day after day I felt these words tumble around my mind... "Just get up Jac, act and react the way you remember you used to. Breathe in and out as if it was natural and at some point being natural will return. If you do it well enough, no one will see how lost you really are, and at some point, you will return." Several months after my injury, we had two people at our church speak about the tragic loss of their loved ones and how God had lead them through those dark times and used the experience to give hope to others. My oldest son sat on one side of me and my husband sat on the other side. Their testimonies were so powerful and moving till there wasn't a dry eye in the house... Well, maybe one... mine. The stirring of emotions had been, to a large part, stripped away since the injury. I sat through movies and commercials that would usually bring me to tears, and feel nothing. Not even a slight sting of recognition. It was a very unsettling feeling and one that left me feeling very isolated. My fear was that I would never genuinely
feel emotion again. With much prayer and time, I am happy to say those emotions are coming back and are at times in full force (just ask my husband). This Sunday the couple who had lost their only daughter spoke again. When I began to cry as they spoke I knew that another little piece of me had returned. I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to remind myself how I should react, those emotions were really there, sitting in my lap and rolling down my cheeks and it felt so good.

Outta the Rabbit Hole and Into the Light

"I forget what is behind me and reach out to what is ahead of me.

 Like a man running a race, I try hard to reach the line so that I will receive the prize. Because we belong to Christ Jesus, God is calling us to receive this prize that he has for us in heaven."

And so it begins....

     I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person! Not only do I feel each and every emotion, I feel them with an intensity that quiet frankly should be outlawed. Oh how I wish for a numbness to sweep over me so that emotions are just vague and understated. For the last 10 months and 26 days my emotions have been in hyper drive mode (in addition to my normal hyper drive personality). The doctors tell me it is normal but I assure you it does not feel normal. Today I have determined to not let my emotions rule me any longer. Yes, I may still be in healing mode and yes, there may be times when I can feel the fabric of my mind fusing together with hot iron intensity, but it is getting better and better it will be today!!!! Somewhere deep inside is the old me and I am determined to find her and bring her back. Some say it is out of my control but they dont' know how determined I am to feel like myself again. Who knew that a rabbit hole would cause so much inward pain while leaving the outside unscathed (typed as tears run down my cheeks)? I've tried hiding, it doesn't work. I've tried pretending (I'm really no good at it), I've tried medicating (take two pills and call me in the morning), the morning always comes (lather, rinse, repeat). So my new strategy (or is it strategery, LOL) is to forget (I've been really good at that the last few months), and reach out. Run the race like it's nobody's business, and make like a rabbit and jump out of the hole instead of crawling farther into the hole. Outta the rabbit hole and into the light.... Let's see how Alice does with that.

The Abbreviated Version of Laugh Out Loud

I had a really good day yesterday!!! I can't explain it. It makes no logical sense (like most everything else this year). But I had a really good day. I felt like my old feisty self, the mischievous one, the one quick to make a joke.  I really have missed that Jac the last few months. She has made brief appearances, but never stayed long. I keep thinking that one of these days she is going to be back to stay (yay!). Until that happens, I'll enjoy the sparkle when I can catch it in my eye, and on those days it's replaced by a tear, I'll just let it roll and look forward to the day when I laugh out loud for real and not just in the abbreviated version. Yeah, that's a day I look forward to.

My Scary Hole

I went out on a limb this weekend just to see how well I could balance my brain. Since the TBI  I have been experiencing sudden anxiety attacks especially when around crowds or when I'm around a loud environment. I really wanted to go on this weekend trip but I was terrified that if an anxiety hit me, there would be no place for me to hide until it passed. The trip was important to me for several reasons. It was a breast cancer walk and I was walking with one of my best friends who had breast cancer late last year. I knew it would be a fun time and I wanted to see how far I could push my boundaries with this fear thing. The anxiety has gotten so much better than it was a few months ago, but still it has a way of sneaking up from behind, catching me unaware. I am feeling so much better!! There are still a few things that need tweaking (patience would be one of those things).  Since the accident I've been pretty careful about putting myself in social settings and isolated myself for a variety of reasons. This weekend I thought I'd push through and see how it went. I made it through Friday night much better than expected even though there were a lot of people with us and the restaurant was very crowded.  My Son and his friends joined us for a while at the restaurant and I enjoyed getting to visit and catch up with him. Saturday morning went great. It was a sea of pink as far as the eye could see. It felt good to be a part of something positive and it felt good to see people whose loved ones had not come out on the winning end against the disease, being represented. About 3/4 way through the walk the stifling cloud caught up with me along with a raging headache... I had to get out of there before someone noticed the tears and the ragged breathing.I needed  just a few minutes alone to gain control before I could get back to my group and enjoy the rest of the walk. I ran back to the hotel, got something for my headache and took a few minutes to calm myself and reassure myself that the anxiety attacks, although inconvenient, were becoming less severe and soon they would pass altogether like most of the other symptoms. When I got back to the group I was fine, exhausted from the aftermath of overwhelming anxiety, but for the most part fine. A hole certainly would come in handy during these times.... A portable hole I could climb into that was lined with soft silky fir that would wrap around me like a warm blanket. Instead I climb back into cold hard reality and put one foot in front of the other until finally I'm back to my safe place.  When I got home my husband asked me how it went and I fell in his arms with tears rolling down my cheeks(he has gotten pretty used to this)..... "I just want the old Jac back, I want to be her again." He held me and assured me that she was coming back in little pieces every day and that I would just have to be patient. I told him I was pretty sure everyone was getting tired of my quirks and didn't understand the struggle. He said "Jac, when people hear what happened they expect for you to have some kind of visual scars they can see, you don't have any of those on the outside.... The damage was all inside. From the outside you look just as normal as if nothing has happened. You are better every day and you can't let these little episodes set you back." These episodes don't set me back, they terrify me! I become paralyzed with fear that they will never go away. I liked the person I was.... we were friends, I understood her. This new person can be hard to read, easy to offend, and has the patience of a gnat. I'm not crazy about this person and if she angers me I know she angers others. He continued to reassure me as he always does. He held me tight and suggested I take a nap(always a good idea). I'm not sure how I would have made it these last few months if it wasn't for my husband. He has been so supportive and loving, much more than I deserve. During this whole ordeal I've never felt like I was fighting alone, he has been beside me every step. When I get discouraged, he lifts me up. When I get overwhelmed, he carries the load, when I get scared he reassures me,when I fall into the black hole, he reaches in and helps me out, never judging,never criticizing. But most important of all, he loves me 100% unconditionally and never fails to calm my fears.

Fall Changes Things

I look outside and the weather is wonderful. Slowly but surely the cool winds of fall are chasing the stifling heat of summer away. Soon the leaves will change to brilliant colors before they fade and drop to the earth to be recycled by nature. I feel a hope deep inside that I usually feel during the spring. This year has been difficult in many ways. I've watched a friend walk through the recovery of breast cancer. My husband has struggled with the release of a ministry he had spent years pouring his heart into, and I've fought to keep my head above water as I've recovered from my head injury. I thought about all of these things as I sat in the car and felt the sun warm against my skin and the cool breeze blowing my hair. Things change.... It's just a fact of life. You don't have to like it and you don't have to see it coming... But come it will. Sometimes change comes slowly like the fading of the leaves. Sometimes it comes like a tidal wave on the beach, knocking you flat; but change will always come. Some changes are easy to wrap your mind around, others shake you to the core of your soul. Some changes come for the better, while other changes seem bitter and cruel.... Some, a mixture of both. I know that the changing of the color on the trees, leads to a time when they will  soon look barren and drab. It's necessary for them to shed their leaves so they can spring to life with new growth.... New hope. Perhaps that's why I've felt a little melancholy about fall. In some ways I feel like my leaves have faded and are beginning to shed. I'm preparing myself for the bleak days of winter, but I know that new life, new hope and a new season is just ahead. What's the saying.... "Out with the old, in with the new." I know something exciting is just around the corner and I've gone through these changes in order to prepare myself to be blown away in a wonderful way by life! Yes, fall changes things.

Compensating For Crickets and Reading Your Lips

It's like a warm summer's eve in my head all the time. Since my injury I have the constant sound of crickets and locust singing in my ears. LOL!!! That almost makes it sound poetic doesn't it? I went to the Dr. the other day and she asked me how my crickets were sounding and how my hearing was doing. Honestly, that's probably the one thing that has not gotten any better at all. I catch myself saying "Huh?" a lot, or "What did you say?" When all else fails, I lean in a little closer and focus on peoples lips. I told her it was amazing how many people speak without moving their lips very much. She kind of laughed and said "I wondered if you knew you were doing that." Then she told me that she had noticed that instead of making eye contact, I watch her lips a lot. Ugh, and I thought I was being so sly! I find it interesting how we humans learn to compensate for our shortcomings and how sometimes we don't even realize we're compensating until someone points it out. Kind of makes me want to do a quick examination to see what else I'm compensating for.... God knows I've got plenty of shortcomings besides my crickets:-)

My Little Corner of the World

The other night my husband I scurried around moving bedroom furniture. I was tired of feeling like I'd been ran over by a freight train in the mornings and I desperately felt like I needed a new bed. Also, my husband has been working furiously on my Son's old room and got it finished. I thought it would be nice if we had a bed for our Son or Daughter to actually sleep in when they come home so...... SHOPPING TRIP!!! I know, I know, I'm on a budget, but there was money in the envelope. The only furniture store here in town was "QUITTING BUSINESS" (Which is so unusual for a furniture store),so I went for it! I mean the sign said "EVERYTHING MUST GO"... That sale just had my name written all over it.So in preparation for the delivery, we moved things around a little since my husband wasn't going to be able to be there when they brought the furniture. Our house is somewhat of a challenge when it comes to moving things around because it's all twisty and curvy inside with stairs and nooks, and crannies. I actually had to have a furniture store take a couch back one time because they couldn't get it around a corner and up the stairs and around another corner.... even after knocking a hole in my plastered walls (little bit of a rabbit trail there, huh?). In the living room in a little nook area we have Sailor's kennel..... very large kennel, as Sailor is a very large dog (175+lbs). When we leave the house, we tell her to go get in her bed and she goes to the kennel, turns around and waits for her treat before settling in. Since her kennel sticks out a little we thought we should move it so they would have room to maneuver the twisty, curvy stairs. We placed it in the middle of the dining room. The delivery guy called me at work and asked for me to meet him at the house so I left, put Sailor out so she could get some fresh air while they set up the furniture. After they left and I was preparing to go back to work I let her in, gave her a drink and told her to go get in her bed. She went over the stairs to her little nook and stood in the corner like "Here I am, this is my spot, all treats will be accepted." I stood over in the dining room next to her kennel and pleaded for her to get in her actually kennel,where it was actually at at this minute. She hung her face low to the ground and looked up at me with those big sad amber eyes as if to say "I don't like the change you have made. Please just let me stay in my corner where I'm comfortable." She was breaking my heart and I had to get to work! I walked over to her and assured her we would get everything put back the way it belonged tonight when I got home. I lead her over to her kennel and she reluctantly got in with that pathetic pout.Last night I came home from running errands with both hands full and a 50lbs purse (very cute purse I might add) dangling from my arm. All of the lights were off in the living room and dining room and I was walking full steam ahead for the dining room table where I habitually leave my purse... Except I had forgotten that we hadn't yet moved the kennel back in it's place and the lower half of my body collided with that large wire kennel. This morning I got up feeling great except for the fact that my kneecap feels somewhat disconnected from my knee. It's been a rough year, but every day during the last two months life has just gotten better and better.... Things are going back to normal (I mean normal in terms of Jackie world). I'm not one of those people who dread change, I find change exciting, but even I'll have to admit that I feel a lot like Sailor. I'm just ready to get back in my nook where things are comfortable. I'm enjoying the peaceful easy feeling I've had the last few weeks. I don't know, maybe my mind is reconnecting with my body finally. I will say I feel more together than I have in 9 months. That's got to be a good thing. Don't get me wrong, it's good to get out of your comfort zone once in a while, but after being out of mine for 9 months it feels really good to be back in my nook, and to start recognizing my world again and feeling like maybe I'm a part of it..... At least in my little corner of the world.

Slivers of Me

To say that the last six months have been challenging would be an understatement. I realize that I'm not recovering from some deadly disease,but I certainly have been recovering. When the doctors told me in January that it could take 6 months to a year for me to recover from the head injury I suffered New Year's Day, I absolutely blew them and everyone else off. There was no way I was going to let this slow me down for a few weeks, much less a few months. Just to prove my point I hopped out of bed a few days after, at 5 o'clock in the morning like have been doing for years, and headed to the gym, that didn't work out so well so the next week I tried it again, and again, and again. To date I still haven't made it to the gym more than two days in one week but I'm working on it.Every night I've come home at 5 o'clock in the evening, determined to enjoy my family, maybe cook a little dinner, play with my dogs, only to collapse in a heap on the bed with barely enough energy to change clothes. It's taken every ounce of physical, emotional and mental energy I have to go to work every day, stay as current on possible with the piles on my desk, interact normally with those around me, while covering up my struggles with my hair-brained wit and jokes. To a large extent I've been successful at maintaining.... only those closest to me see the changes, but there have been moments of severe meltdowns from the stress of feeling overwhelmed by my inability to really feel normal.This week has been different. I never thought I would brag about my ability to stay up past 8 o'clock but brag I will.... And Praise The Lord I'm able to do so!!!!! This has been the first week (except for my few days in California), that I have come home from work, cooked, cleaned, went for walks and actually, intentionally, stayed up late just to see if I could. I did it!!!! I had a normal life this week. No headaches, only one day with bad neck pain and a few dizzy days (I call those my blond days), but this is a huge accomplishment for me. Last night I stayed up late making cookies to take to my Son who is leaving for Kenya tomorrow. Today I had to make a 30 min. trip on my lunch hour to pick up my youngest son. When I got to the house I only had 30 min. to spare but I decided to throw some stuff together to make some brownies to add to the cookies. As I was leaving the house to go back to work I thought "OOOOhhh-My-Gosh!!!!! I feel like a super Mom! I've stayed up late every night, I've cooked, I've cleaned and I even made brownies on my lunch hour!!!! I'm coming back, I see little slivers of Jackie starting to materialize right before my eyes!!!!! This may not be a big deal to anyone else, but it is not only a very big deal to me..... But also a huge,ginormous blessing and I am more grateful than words can express. I can hear it now.... "Oh no! She's coming back."

Just Ask Cinderella

Last weekend I hunted furiously for my Mojo. I looked all over the house while I cleaned, I scoured every pond and sand pit at the golf course, only, only, only to come up Mojoless. It's a sad state of being when your Mojo suddenly goes missing. My husband even called the Neurologist this week to inquire about my Mojo status. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately depending how you look at it, losing your Mojo after recovery from a head injury is what they call.... "Hitting the wall". I'll have to say that term fits how I feel exactly. I feel like I took several steps forward in March only to fall several steps behind at the beginning of April. What the heck? I'll have to admit that I've been in a bit of despair this week because I'm absolutely sick of hearing.... "It will take a few months"! Meanwhile, life and spring is passing me by as I muddle through the fog of each day. I grapple with guilt every day for feeling like a burden to my family, causing them stress and just for not just being my old self. I feel like I'm grabbing for answers and solutions only to come up empty handed. Not to be a whine bag but to top it off my husband and I faced a very personal, spiritual dilemma this week that left both of us feeling hmmmm, like a disposable outcast. I know those feeling will pass, but still not exactly what we needed right now. So now the weekend looms before me and I am determined once again not to drown in this quicksand of trial I find myself in. I am going to pull myself out, try to focus on the positive and find that dadgum Mojo. If that doesn't work.... I'll go shopping for a new pair of heels.... cause new shoes can make all the difference. If you don't believe me just ask Cinderella. That girl has the scoop!

Looking Through New Eyes

I've had a great week! You can just tell that spring is on the verge of breaking. We've had a great winter, because we actually had winter weather. I've enjoyed seeing snowflakes and trees crystallized in ice. I've enjoyed sitting around the fireplace chatting with close friends. I even enjoyed being stuck in the house with no electricity. This winter will hold a lot of memories for me... memories that make me smile. Even though it's been a good winter I'm just as happy to see spring arrive in all it's wonder. The sun makes me want to get out in the yard and play in the dirt. It makes me want to blow bubbles into the breeze and watch them float away. Maybe it's because I've been in a brain fog for the last couple of months, but everything just seems... well... clearer than it has for a while and it feels so good. I feel like the old me has returned and the ornery streak is as bold as it has been for a good long time. I find laughter bubbling in my belly and the need to make others laugh as well (this is usually when I get myself into trouble)I just feel... well I feel happy. I feel like my joy has been restored and my vision has returned. Right now I'm looking at life through new eyes and it looks pretty darn good.

Someone Else's Shoes

I hate to be a big whine bag, but hey, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. I am one month, two weeks and two days past my fall. I sit here with a headache, barely able to move my neck and even after sleeping for 14 hours could most certainly go right back to bed and stay there all day. I am thankful however that yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I needed to go to bed at 5:05 in the evening. I willed myself to sit upright in my chair in front of my computer until 5. I walked in my front door practically stripping before I got to the kitchen. After throwing the pillows to the floor and pulling back the comforter, I literally fell in bed. My pillows never felt so good! To say I'm exhausted today is an understatement. I start physical therapy today and I am hoping that will help give me some range of motion back in my neck and shoulders. Who knows if I'm lucky it might even help my headaches (which aren't nearly as bad as they were). I've had a good attitude about this whole thing, but to be honest with you it's starting to wear on my nerves. When people ask me how I'm doing I'm quick to tell them much better. If my husband is standing nearby he kind of rolls his eyes and shakes his head like I've lost my peripheral vision and can't see what he's doing. He's been very protective of me which I appreciate because I'd be pushing the envelope a lot harder if I thought he'd let me get away with it. When I start to open my mouth I never know if my brain is going to kick in or not (I'm mean more so than usual before the fall). I'm still getting used to the look on peoples face as I stop mid-sentence to either remember what I'm talking about or searching frantically for the right word. The viewpoint from my end is kind of humorous because everyone has the same expression... Eyebrows raised, they kind of lean forward like what I'm fixing to say is extremely important and then there is just dead silence as the anticipation itself makes me even more bumfusseled. I find myself shying away from social activities where I'm not 100% comfortable. I have been missing break recently because I just don't follow conversations easily and God forbid if I try to say something and get all locked up. It's easier just to keep to myself than to have to explain my behavior. I'm at the point in work where I'm more focused but less sure of what's been going on for the last month. I'm terribly afraid that I have or I will let something slip by me. I keep reassuring myself that there probably isn't anything that I can screw up past the point of being fixed, but then I'm usually the exception to the rule with screw ups. After talking to several people who've experience similar injuries, I'm looking at only a few more weeks or a few more months of healing before things return to normal.... (or at least normal for me). The one thing I've learned is I need more patience with older people who suffer from memory problems. You truly don't know how lost they must feel until you've walked a few steps in their shoes. As for me, I'm ready to be back in my own shoes... preferably high heel pumps... very loud.... very gaudy... cause that's they way I like em.

Pillow Top Princess

As a woman I have the need to feel in control. I'm not a control freak but I like to think I have things "taken care of". Since New Year's Day I haven't felt in control at all. A terrible fall has left me with a fuzzy head, terrible headaches, a stiff neck and a little disconnected to the world around me. The fatigue has been overwhelming!! I am able to work all day but by 5:15 I am snuggling under the comforter with my kitty held tightly to my chest. My husband has been a saint!!! He brings me dinner in bed, has kept the kitchen clean and hoovered over me like a mother hen. Sometimes I pretend to get a little aggravated with him but it's not really him, it's my body I'm a little mad at. I might be able to handle being "down" for a couple of days but geez, this has rocked on for almost 4 weeks. One of the more disturbing aspects of having a concussion is the memory, or shall I say lack of it. I can be in mid-sentence and totally drift off into another dimension, only to drift back in a couple of seconds later. Today I was in Walmart headed for the item I needed to purchase when I completely forgot where I was going, I mean the object was practically in front of me. It makes me feel loopy or loopier than usual! I'm really hoping people haven't noticed the vacant look I get sometimes when I'm trying to remember what I'm doing and why I'm here. Oh well, time heals all wounds. I'm ready to get my groove back, find my mojo and get back in the swing of things. Until then I guess I'll just play pillow top princess and enjoy the perks of the predicament.

A Memory That's Meant To Be Captured.

I've been scrapbooking as a hobby before scrapbooking was cool. When I was in highschool you couldn't really buy scrapbooking stuff so I just used what I could find... old greeting cards, stuff like that. Several years ago I decided to get caught up on my scraping so I began with my wedding and worked my way up to present day. It was a long, happy, sad, expensive process. Since then I've tried to keep up with my memories and work on capturing more. My boys are not posers, they hate posing for family pics and would just like for me to put-the-camera-away! I know they don't understand it, but those scrapbooks are precious memories just waiting be be reviewed.....

A couple of years ago we had 2 major floods within a couple of weeks. I had stored my scrapbooks in plastic totes and placed them in the basement because there were so many of them. The totes would have been perfect if they hadn't began to float and then fall over causing several of the lids to pop off ruining years and years of memories. That was a heartbreaking loss!!! Nevertheless there are more memories to be captured and I make sure to try to capture them all. New Year's Day is one of my favorite holidays. The reason it is so special is because we spend the entire day with our friends and their kids playing games, eating, laughing and telling stories. We start planning next year the evening of New Year's Day and look forward to it ALL YEAR LONG. This year I brought both of my cameras along with my tripod. I always try to get a few group shots before the end of the day (that's is without a doubt all of the guys favorite part of the day). Almost everyone was there when we arrived. A bunch of people were in the den watching T.V., the kids were in the cellar playing video games while the women were... you got it, around the kitchen table just talking. My friends house is really cute. They have done a lot of work on it including building a sitting room over the cellar. In the cellar her teenager has a "Man Cave" where the kids play video games. It's really neat because the cellar door is flush with the floor, it's almost like having a hidden door in the library. Since we had so much food there was a table in the sitting room with desserts and drinks... just to make things flow better. The cellar door was open and kids had been running up and down and occasionally an adult male would wonder down then come back up thinking to themselves..... that's a really neat "Man Cave", I mean it was written all over their face (truly they never grow up). Okay, bare with me cause this is where things get fuzzy and I'm going on here say. Apparently I decided to quench my thirst so I got up and mosied over to the drink table at which time I felt I needed to add something to the conversation going on at the kitchen table. Unfortunately I turned around to add my two cents and when I did I stepped into the gaping hole in the floor where the "Man Cave" happened to be. The fall must have been quite a tumble because I remember none of it. Next thing I vaguely remember is pain and people around me but mostly just pain. What I know from what I'm told is I was taken to the local hospital where they did test and stuff that annoy you (like cutting off your favorite jeans and your Victoria Secret under things... said with much bitterness) when you don't feel well and then they shipped me to the City. I'm not really sure where the camera comes into play here but I'm thinking that maybe it was in the City because I don't think anyone was interested in capturing anything up until that point. The best thing about having best friends is they are the Best!! They know you and they know what you like and don't like. The Girls went to my house to get clothes for me and most importantly they got my make-up tool box (yes it seriously takes that much work to make me presentable). When I got to the hospital in the City one of them, knowing I would insist on capturing the moment had I been conscious, brought a camera. First of all this is one New Year's Day that none of us will forget, even those of us who don't really remember it. Second of all, it is what I would have wanted. I don't remember them putting my lip gloss on me (that is a true friend that won't even take a picture of you without your lip gloss on) but I do remember one of the nurses or doctors telling my friend, who was holding the camera, that she couldn't believe she had her posing for a picture. I'm glad she did! She got some really good shots of everyone spending their New Year's Day in the waiting room and some really bad shots of me looking exactly like death warmed over (seriously warmed over). I have a tendency to make light of almost everything. There isn't hardly anything that should be taken too seriously. My husband however, does not feel the same. He hasn't appreciated me making light of my near death experience but like I tell him "I'm still here, I haven't gone anywhere". He vows however that this is not something he will ever look back on with any humor, "because I thought you were dead in my arms". They kept me over night and let me go home in the morning. I do remember getting a call from the Girls who had spent the night in the City, asking me what kind of Starbucks I wanted. You betcha! They knew exactly how to perk me up and get me going again. One of my Girls asked me the other day if I remember asking her in the ER if she had a penis. Nope, I certainly don't recall that. She said she told me that the reason I was alive was because "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, James 5:16) and she had been praying really hard. That was my response...."Do you have a penis I don't know about?". She said she did but not to tell her husband cause he hadn't found it yet! I don't care who you are that's funny and it's all is a memory meant to be captured. I'm pretty sure I've gotten all the crapy stuff behind me for this year and nothing but smooth sailing ahead. Happy New Year!!! Go out and make some memories.