Healing With Helping Hands

It's been a weird weather year in Oklahoma. We had chilly weather on and off for all of April. Between the chilly days, we had summer. Some nights we would use the heater and have to turn the air conditioner on by morning. I've lived here all my life, and it never fails to amaze me how the weather can turn in the twinkling of an eye. Much of May we had wearable weather. The humidity was so heavy it felt like you were wearing a mink coat soaked in hot water. May 20th, we had threat of severe weather and you could feel it in the air. Around 1:30 after lunch, several co-workers gathered on the sidewalk out front to watch the clouds coming our way. Yes, it's true, in Oklahoma when we are in a tornado watch, that's exactly what we do.... We go out and watch. Not far in the distance you could see the clouds swirling, occasionally making a funnel that would then be quickly sucked back into the clouds. I watched for a while, but decided to take my mind off all the commotion by doing some work. Tried as I may, the commotion could not be blocked, as

the mood was like an electrical current running through the building. The weather didn't affect my mood, but the excitement coupled with high pitched squeals and constant chatter sat my nerves on edge. With the forecast, I thought to myself "This is going to be a long spring." Back at my desk, my daughter called. She was locked inside JcPenney's. The store wouldn't let anyone leave until the threat had passed. As we were talking the electricity went at work ramping the mood up another notch. Thankfully, they sent us home where everyone uses their inside voices (peace and quiet does this body good). When I got home, my husband was out in the yard and we sat on the porch as the clouds swirled around us. Our electricity was out also so we had sandwiches for dinner (no cooking!!!) The electricity came back on around 8. We flipped on the TV to see what the weather was doing. Sadness wrapped our hearts. Moore Oklahoma had been devastated by a tornado that at times was 2 miles wide. It wiped out neighborhoods

as well at two elementary schools. 14 years earlier a tornado had taken almost exactly the same path. The debris flying through the air literally defoliated the bark from trees, grass from overpasses and left nothing but slab foundations where house after house had stood. But this time, the tornado had hit during the day, while the schools were still filled with children. I called both of my kids who live in the city to make sure they were safe. My brother lives in the Moore area and works for OU. I sent him a text to see if he was okay, but he never responded. Later my son texted me back to tell me his Uncle was okay, but headed to Moore with a crew and heavy equipment. The next day I learned his crew had helped locate the children who had not survived the storm. I could feel the heaviness in his voice. It was
a sad week for Oklahomans. Summer finally arrived in June with hot, but not unbearably hot days. July was a pleasant surprise with summer weather mixed with rain which we hadn't seen in about 3 years and usually never in July. August has started out the same... Hot, heavy and a surprise rain or two so far. Everyone is keeping their fingers crossed for a long beautiful fall. People are still putting their lives back together from the spring storms, but the good thing about Oklahoma is there are always helping hand close by to help with the healing.

The Sound of Music

Last week on our vacation was the first time in over a year that I had played the piano. I have dusted it, I had polished, but I hadn't played it since my injury. Last week  the piano bar must have broken the ice for me on that desire again. Last year my brain could barely remember my name, much less co-ordinate with my fingers to come up with anything related to music.  I promised my puppies would once again lounge in the living room with me lulling them to sleep. For some reason I always seemed to play while I was waiting. Waiting my for husband to get ready, waiting for him to get home, waiting for someone to pick me up.

Tonight I lay my beloved murder mystery aside and thought, maybe I'd play a song. When he walked in the door from work, I was just finishing a tune. He closed the door behind him as I rose from the piano bench, and he stopped where he was..... "Wow! It's been a long time since I've heard that sound" He said

"Heh, I thought I'd give it a whirl, see how it went."  He just smiled and walked out, but I could tell that little by little.... tiny parts of the person I used to be is still returning.... They're like little fragments of sand washing ashore. Who knows, maybe by this time next year, all of the little pieces of Jac will have returned and he'll have the old me back as a whole, good as new and as ornery too. I know he's missed that part the most.... LOL!!!!

Slivers of Me

To say that the last six months have been challenging would be an understatement. I realize that I'm not recovering from some deadly disease,but I certainly have been recovering. When the doctors told me in January that it could take 6 months to a year for me to recover from the head injury I suffered New Year's Day, I absolutely blew them and everyone else off. There was no way I was going to let this slow me down for a few weeks, much less a few months. Just to prove my point I hopped out of bed a few days after, at 5 o'clock in the morning like have been doing for years, and headed to the gym, that didn't work out so well so the next week I tried it again, and again, and again. To date I still haven't made it to the gym more than two days in one week but I'm working on it.Every night I've come home at 5 o'clock in the evening, determined to enjoy my family, maybe cook a little dinner, play with my dogs, only to collapse in a heap on the bed with barely enough energy to change clothes. It's taken every ounce of physical, emotional and mental energy I have to go to work every day, stay as current on possible with the piles on my desk, interact normally with those around me, while covering up my struggles with my hair-brained wit and jokes. To a large extent I've been successful at maintaining.... only those closest to me see the changes, but there have been moments of severe meltdowns from the stress of feeling overwhelmed by my inability to really feel normal.This week has been different. I never thought I would brag about my ability to stay up past 8 o'clock but brag I will.... And Praise The Lord I'm able to do so!!!!! This has been the first week (except for my few days in California), that I have come home from work, cooked, cleaned, went for walks and actually, intentionally, stayed up late just to see if I could. I did it!!!! I had a normal life this week. No headaches, only one day with bad neck pain and a few dizzy days (I call those my blond days), but this is a huge accomplishment for me. Last night I stayed up late making cookies to take to my Son who is leaving for Kenya tomorrow. Today I had to make a 30 min. trip on my lunch hour to pick up my youngest son. When I got to the house I only had 30 min. to spare but I decided to throw some stuff together to make some brownies to add to the cookies. As I was leaving the house to go back to work I thought "OOOOhhh-My-Gosh!!!!! I feel like a super Mom! I've stayed up late every night, I've cooked, I've cleaned and I even made brownies on my lunch hour!!!! I'm coming back, I see little slivers of Jackie starting to materialize right before my eyes!!!!! This may not be a big deal to anyone else, but it is not only a very big deal to me..... But also a huge,ginormous blessing and I am more grateful than words can express. I can hear it now.... "Oh no! She's coming back."

Just Ask Cinderella

Last weekend I hunted furiously for my Mojo. I looked all over the house while I cleaned, I scoured every pond and sand pit at the golf course, only, only, only to come up Mojoless. It's a sad state of being when your Mojo suddenly goes missing. My husband even called the Neurologist this week to inquire about my Mojo status. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately depending how you look at it, losing your Mojo after recovery from a head injury is what they call.... "Hitting the wall". I'll have to say that term fits how I feel exactly. I feel like I took several steps forward in March only to fall several steps behind at the beginning of April. What the heck? I'll have to admit that I've been in a bit of despair this week because I'm absolutely sick of hearing.... "It will take a few months"! Meanwhile, life and spring is passing me by as I muddle through the fog of each day. I grapple with guilt every day for feeling like a burden to my family, causing them stress and just for not just being my old self. I feel like I'm grabbing for answers and solutions only to come up empty handed. Not to be a whine bag but to top it off my husband and I faced a very personal, spiritual dilemma this week that left both of us feeling hmmmm, like a disposable outcast. I know those feeling will pass, but still not exactly what we needed right now. So now the weekend looms before me and I am determined once again not to drown in this quicksand of trial I find myself in. I am going to pull myself out, try to focus on the positive and find that dadgum Mojo. If that doesn't work.... I'll go shopping for a new pair of heels.... cause new shoes can make all the difference. If you don't believe me just ask Cinderella. That girl has the scoop!

Someone Else's Shoes

I hate to be a big whine bag, but hey, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. I am one month, two weeks and two days past my fall. I sit here with a headache, barely able to move my neck and even after sleeping for 14 hours could most certainly go right back to bed and stay there all day. I am thankful however that yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I needed to go to bed at 5:05 in the evening. I willed myself to sit upright in my chair in front of my computer until 5. I walked in my front door practically stripping before I got to the kitchen. After throwing the pillows to the floor and pulling back the comforter, I literally fell in bed. My pillows never felt so good! To say I'm exhausted today is an understatement. I start physical therapy today and I am hoping that will help give me some range of motion back in my neck and shoulders. Who knows if I'm lucky it might even help my headaches (which aren't nearly as bad as they were). I've had a good attitude about this whole thing, but to be honest with you it's starting to wear on my nerves. When people ask me how I'm doing I'm quick to tell them much better. If my husband is standing nearby he kind of rolls his eyes and shakes his head like I've lost my peripheral vision and can't see what he's doing. He's been very protective of me which I appreciate because I'd be pushing the envelope a lot harder if I thought he'd let me get away with it. When I start to open my mouth I never know if my brain is going to kick in or not (I'm mean more so than usual before the fall). I'm still getting used to the look on peoples face as I stop mid-sentence to either remember what I'm talking about or searching frantically for the right word. The viewpoint from my end is kind of humorous because everyone has the same expression... Eyebrows raised, they kind of lean forward like what I'm fixing to say is extremely important and then there is just dead silence as the anticipation itself makes me even more bumfusseled. I find myself shying away from social activities where I'm not 100% comfortable. I have been missing break recently because I just don't follow conversations easily and God forbid if I try to say something and get all locked up. It's easier just to keep to myself than to have to explain my behavior. I'm at the point in work where I'm more focused but less sure of what's been going on for the last month. I'm terribly afraid that I have or I will let something slip by me. I keep reassuring myself that there probably isn't anything that I can screw up past the point of being fixed, but then I'm usually the exception to the rule with screw ups. After talking to several people who've experience similar injuries, I'm looking at only a few more weeks or a few more months of healing before things return to normal.... (or at least normal for me). The one thing I've learned is I need more patience with older people who suffer from memory problems. You truly don't know how lost they must feel until you've walked a few steps in their shoes. As for me, I'm ready to be back in my own shoes... preferably high heel pumps... very loud.... very gaudy... cause that's they way I like em.

Pillow Top Princess

As a woman I have the need to feel in control. I'm not a control freak but I like to think I have things "taken care of". Since New Year's Day I haven't felt in control at all. A terrible fall has left me with a fuzzy head, terrible headaches, a stiff neck and a little disconnected to the world around me. The fatigue has been overwhelming!! I am able to work all day but by 5:15 I am snuggling under the comforter with my kitty held tightly to my chest. My husband has been a saint!!! He brings me dinner in bed, has kept the kitchen clean and hoovered over me like a mother hen. Sometimes I pretend to get a little aggravated with him but it's not really him, it's my body I'm a little mad at. I might be able to handle being "down" for a couple of days but geez, this has rocked on for almost 4 weeks. One of the more disturbing aspects of having a concussion is the memory, or shall I say lack of it. I can be in mid-sentence and totally drift off into another dimension, only to drift back in a couple of seconds later. Today I was in Walmart headed for the item I needed to purchase when I completely forgot where I was going, I mean the object was practically in front of me. It makes me feel loopy or loopier than usual! I'm really hoping people haven't noticed the vacant look I get sometimes when I'm trying to remember what I'm doing and why I'm here. Oh well, time heals all wounds. I'm ready to get my groove back, find my mojo and get back in the swing of things. Until then I guess I'll just play pillow top princess and enjoy the perks of the predicament.

A Memory That's Meant To Be Captured.

I've been scrapbooking as a hobby before scrapbooking was cool. When I was in highschool you couldn't really buy scrapbooking stuff so I just used what I could find... old greeting cards, stuff like that. Several years ago I decided to get caught up on my scraping so I began with my wedding and worked my way up to present day. It was a long, happy, sad, expensive process. Since then I've tried to keep up with my memories and work on capturing more. My boys are not posers, they hate posing for family pics and would just like for me to put-the-camera-away! I know they don't understand it, but those scrapbooks are precious memories just waiting be be reviewed.....

A couple of years ago we had 2 major floods within a couple of weeks. I had stored my scrapbooks in plastic totes and placed them in the basement because there were so many of them. The totes would have been perfect if they hadn't began to float and then fall over causing several of the lids to pop off ruining years and years of memories. That was a heartbreaking loss!!! Nevertheless there are more memories to be captured and I make sure to try to capture them all. New Year's Day is one of my favorite holidays. The reason it is so special is because we spend the entire day with our friends and their kids playing games, eating, laughing and telling stories. We start planning next year the evening of New Year's Day and look forward to it ALL YEAR LONG. This year I brought both of my cameras along with my tripod. I always try to get a few group shots before the end of the day (that's is without a doubt all of the guys favorite part of the day). Almost everyone was there when we arrived. A bunch of people were in the den watching T.V., the kids were in the cellar playing video games while the women were... you got it, around the kitchen table just talking. My friends house is really cute. They have done a lot of work on it including building a sitting room over the cellar. In the cellar her teenager has a "Man Cave" where the kids play video games. It's really neat because the cellar door is flush with the floor, it's almost like having a hidden door in the library. Since we had so much food there was a table in the sitting room with desserts and drinks... just to make things flow better. The cellar door was open and kids had been running up and down and occasionally an adult male would wonder down then come back up thinking to themselves..... that's a really neat "Man Cave", I mean it was written all over their face (truly they never grow up). Okay, bare with me cause this is where things get fuzzy and I'm going on here say. Apparently I decided to quench my thirst so I got up and mosied over to the drink table at which time I felt I needed to add something to the conversation going on at the kitchen table. Unfortunately I turned around to add my two cents and when I did I stepped into the gaping hole in the floor where the "Man Cave" happened to be. The fall must have been quite a tumble because I remember none of it. Next thing I vaguely remember is pain and people around me but mostly just pain. What I know from what I'm told is I was taken to the local hospital where they did test and stuff that annoy you (like cutting off your favorite jeans and your Victoria Secret under things... said with much bitterness) when you don't feel well and then they shipped me to the City. I'm not really sure where the camera comes into play here but I'm thinking that maybe it was in the City because I don't think anyone was interested in capturing anything up until that point. The best thing about having best friends is they are the Best!! They know you and they know what you like and don't like. The Girls went to my house to get clothes for me and most importantly they got my make-up tool box (yes it seriously takes that much work to make me presentable). When I got to the hospital in the City one of them, knowing I would insist on capturing the moment had I been conscious, brought a camera. First of all this is one New Year's Day that none of us will forget, even those of us who don't really remember it. Second of all, it is what I would have wanted. I don't remember them putting my lip gloss on me (that is a true friend that won't even take a picture of you without your lip gloss on) but I do remember one of the nurses or doctors telling my friend, who was holding the camera, that she couldn't believe she had her posing for a picture. I'm glad she did! She got some really good shots of everyone spending their New Year's Day in the waiting room and some really bad shots of me looking exactly like death warmed over (seriously warmed over). I have a tendency to make light of almost everything. There isn't hardly anything that should be taken too seriously. My husband however, does not feel the same. He hasn't appreciated me making light of my near death experience but like I tell him "I'm still here, I haven't gone anywhere". He vows however that this is not something he will ever look back on with any humor, "because I thought you were dead in my arms". They kept me over night and let me go home in the morning. I do remember getting a call from the Girls who had spent the night in the City, asking me what kind of Starbucks I wanted. You betcha! They knew exactly how to perk me up and get me going again. One of my Girls asked me the other day if I remember asking her in the ER if she had a penis. Nope, I certainly don't recall that. She said she told me that the reason I was alive was because "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, James 5:16) and she had been praying really hard. That was my response...."Do you have a penis I don't know about?". She said she did but not to tell her husband cause he hadn't found it yet! I don't care who you are that's funny and it's all is a memory meant to be captured. I'm pretty sure I've gotten all the crapy stuff behind me for this year and nothing but smooth sailing ahead. Happy New Year!!! Go out and make some memories.