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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Random Ramblings of a Broken Heart

I push the thoughts aside as if to banish them from my mind, but in reality I fear, what I once held so dear has been lost to me forever. Time has a way of taking things from you that you never dreamed could be taken. Reality has a way of stomping into your dreams and shattering the very thing that has kept you going for so long. It's the cold hard facts of life that things are in constant motion and if you are unable to meld yourself with the flow you will be overcome. Others will tell you to accept the inevitable, not to waste energy looking for a solution to a problem with no answer. So am I supposed to just accept blindly that things will never be the same, or accept that perhaps things will never change? If I had the answers I would be a very rich person. Things happen to the strong as well as the weak, to the spiritual as well as the carnal, to the rich as well as the poor. The reason we accepted it is because the fight is too exhausting to continue. Is there peace without relief? Is there hope without dreams? In a perfect world these questions would never be asked, but we don't live in a perfect world and that is the problem. I have to ask myself, do I long for too much. Am I requiring that which no one truly possesses? Very possibly, but it's more possible that others simply refuse to accept the fact that it's missing from their lives and they have been so consumed with daily living that they
haven't even noticed that it's gone.How is it possible that we become so complacent that we don't realize something so important is no longer there? My dilemma is do I continue to look for the answer, or simply give up and accept things the way they are regardless of how unfulfilled I believe that state would be. Of course things could be worse, things could always be worse and I am thankful that I haven't found myself in a completely hopeless situation. My problem would be that I am a.. "I want my cake and to be able to eat it too" kind of gal. The fact that even though I know it's in God's hands
I want it fixed and I want it fixed now. Not
tomorrow, not next week, not in time, I want
done by quitting time today and not a second
later. I know God gets tired of me whining and wishes I would just put it in his hands, leave it in his hands and trust it will get done in his time. I also know that he probably gets tired of my suggestions on how he should answer these prayers of mine, but he and I both know that he created me with an excess of emotion and the inability to just sit quietly back while he works things out. He may not be happy that he created me with that personality, but I know he understands, that is just how I am. So what's he suppose to do with someone like me who has an overwhelming
desire to feel every emotion,
experience every emotion and do so with the intensity of a hurricane? He's suppose to keep on loving me just the way I am and continue to work this lump of clay until all rocks are dug out and the surface is as smooth as glass. I do not believe he expects me to sit quietly through the process without complaint because he knows that simply isn't going to happen. I was brought into this world kicking and screaming wanting things my way and I'm pretty sure that unless I have a full lobotomy (which he thought about for a brief moment last year), I will most likely exit this world kicking and screaming..... and blogging my thoughts and expressions at just how things should be going. He either has to love me to death the way I am or put me in a choke hold till I run out of air, it's his call and I'll have no choice but to go along with whatever he decides.... That doesn't mean I have to be silent about it!

1 comment:

  1. The torment you express is truly heart wrenching. The complications of life are inevidable. GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the differnce. May GOD grant you the wisdom.May God grant you relief. signed "Suzy Q"