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Saturday, November 27, 2010

I Have Everything Under Control!!! Yeah, Right!

She looks so harmless
Oh heaven help me!!! This afternoon I brought the dogs outside to sit on the front porch with me. Sitting on the front porch with my pups is on my list a favorite things to do. I usually sit and read while waiting for my husband to get home from work.... I figure it makes him feel loved to know that the three of us are anxiously awaiting his arrival. Anywho.... He drove up just as we were sitting down so I hadn't actually gotten myself settled. My oldest Son and I were on the steps as my husband ambled up to the house. I usually make the dogs stay on the porch with me, but with so many people on the porch they headed down the steps as I was saying hello to my husband. They were down the street lickity split before I knew what was happening. Then I saw a little girl with her little Corgi, when she saw my Bulldog and massive Mastiff running toward her she dropped her dogs leash. I usually try to stay calm, but seeing a tiny girl and tiny dog kind of freaked me out. I immediately called to Riley (Bulldog) who luckily was just sniffing away. I started toward the dogs, calling their names (everything is in slow m-o-t-i-o-n at this point. I herd Sailor up to the front porch where my husband ushers her into the house and then I start on Riley. Riley is my little Star Wars Bulldog.... Meaning she can turn to the dark side in a New York second. When she was a puppy I realized I needed to get a handle on her because her play could become rough.... Really rough. That's when I started watching and reading the Dog Whisperer. He really is amazing and I in no way think I'm nearly as talented as him, but when I started approaching Riley with a different attitude, she took a much calmer turn. So.... go with me here. I'm trying to grab Riley, the little girl has no clue she and her dog could turn into lunch at any second and my lovely men are both watching Lucille Ball stumble around the front yard trying to protect the universe. I finally get Riley going in the right direction, all they while trying to answer the little girl's endless questions like.... "Which one are you calling Riley?"..... "That should be easy for me to remember because that's my name?".... I put my best "I'm a real kid kind of person" smile on and answer all of little girl Riley's questions while Bulldog Riley and Corgi dog run circles around my feet. When Bulldog Riley heads for the house, little girl Riley calls her dog to come back to her. Finally I turn around and ask little girl Riley to please just leave your dog alone until I get my big dog (that could eat both of you for lunch) put up. I grab for Bulldog Riley around the belly and try, try, try, with all of my might to carry her to the house, but she is like trying to mud wrestle a greased pig!! There are just no wrinkles or extra skin to hang onto.... no handles at all and she just slips right out of my hands. For the few seconds I held her the little Corgi dog got to sniff her butt which really pissed her off and over to the dark side we both go. As she slips between my fingers I fall on my knees and frantically try to put all my weight on her so she can't get away. My Son runs over to me and says "Do you want me to pick her up for you?" Oh My Freakin Gosh!!!! You think? I guess he saw my eyeballs starting to bulge the way they do when I too have crossed over to the dark side and he says as he picks Bulldog Riley up "What's wrong Mom?" Through clinched teeth I say "Because I'm out here wrestling the dogs while you and your Dad watch from the porch!!!!!""" Everybody lived through the whole ordeal and little girl Riley headed for home with her Corgi intact. I immediately come in the house and start cleaning because that's what I do when I'm really pissed off. After I had simmered down my husband came up to give me a little hug (completely clueless!) I ask him..... "At exactly what point in the whole dog rampage ordeal where you going to get off of the porch and help me out?" Just curious how far he would have allowed it to go.... I mean, was he waiting for blood, maybe some guts? He just grinned the sweetest (clueless) grin and said, " You looked really good out there."...... "What?" "Well it looked like you had everything under control in your calm, assertive way you like to do things." to which I informed him "There was nothing calm or assertive about that!" Well it looked to me like you had everything under control." He just hugged me and patted me, till I laughed! Seriously I'm sprawled out on the sidewalk, a little girl is peppering me with questions, a Corgi wants to play sniff Riley's butt, and Riley is going ape, I scrapped my knee and had wrestled until I couldn't get a full breath and that's his idea of control????? Needless to say, he had no intention of being my knight in shining armor.... He would just rather sit on the porch and watch the show.... In living color! Even though I'm pretty sure I looked ridiculous out there, he thought I looked good so I guess I shall allow him to live another day.

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