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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Freedom of Fear?

It's 2:20 a.m., suddenly 10,000 feet in the air seems like a long ways to jump from a plane. Most of my life has been lived within the confines of very rigid boundaries.  One step outside those boundaries and you would certainly pay. Why, after 47 years I have the overwhelming desire to spread my wings and fly, when it has always been discouraged by two of the most influential people in my life. The threat of facing certain death and destruction if I didn't remain within the bounds, still to this day echo in the back of my brain.... Well and quiet honest in the forefront as well, "Don't go there, you'll have a wreck and kill them all." haunting words from my Mother. "Seriously Mom, I'm just driving across town for a perm?"..... "Well", she says, "If the two of you get killed her family will sue us for everything we have." .... Those kinds of conversations don't exactly boost a child self esteem to the highest levels. Just last year when leaving for a ski trip these parting words were whispered in my ear "You be careful, I don't feel good about you going o this trip and your Dad feels the same way. People get killed skiing." Those words alone were probably the reason that I am known as the slowest, most terrified skier on the slopes. I have always believed that Mom had a direct line to God and sometimes I thought that maybe he showed himself to her in the flesh, her predictions were so horrifying. So even though my husband tries, words of encouragement from him in the present aren't exactly the words I hear in the late night when every one's asleep. So I'm going to finish my Popsicles dipped in sugar (don't even ask), going to read a minute, then try drift back to sleep so that I will feel refreshed when I step to the edge of that plane tomorrow..... Hopefully without the words "You'll kill them all" somewhere far far away and hopefully the only thing I'll hear is massive amounts of giggling coming from my belly as I take a jump for freedom of fear!!!!

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