Any Thing Could Happen

When we went to bed last night I told my husband to set the alarm for 5 which is typical for me, but I also told him to make sure I got up. I'm flying to Louisiana with my boss and I didn't want to be late for being picked up. I could have sworn that I heard the alarm just begin to go off and heard him mumble something that sounded similar to a grunt of a wild animal as they  roll over in their sleep. I laid there for another 5 minutes then hopped up. I washed my hair, applied my make up, blew my hair dry, used the flat iron, used my pow powder and had my bump looking good. I was just starting to slip into my clothes when one of the dogs needed to go outside. My 200lb Mastiff is afraid of the dark so she likes for me to stand on the back porch while she takes care of her duties, so I stood in the doorway and just happened to look over to our wall clock it said it was 2:45 a.m.. "Oh crap!" I thought. "The batteries are down again." So I went over to the computer to see what time it said..... 2:45!!! 2:45???? Why is it 2:45 and why am I standing here completely ready except for my clothes? UGH!!! I put my jammies back on and snuggled back in bed using extra care not to smush my hair. Amazingly I did sleep a little, till 5:30 but still. I'm not usually superstitious but if this the way my day starting what does it mean for the rest of the day? We're flying on a really small plane and although I don't have a fear of flying, I sorta do have a fear of falling (humph, wonder why that is?). What I'm hoping it means is that I'll be ready for anything that gets thrown at me today, like the sight of a great big gator..... close up! I'm taking my camera just in case. You know my world is tilted just a little bit to the side.... so anything could happen...... And usually does.

His Healing Powers Infiltrate My Pores

Like oil from a vase on my head it was poured

It did cover my body from head to the floor

Like hot molten honey fresh from the flame

It infiltrated my being through pores, past the veins

Through the flesh and the fibers to bone it did reach

down to the morrow where sin was so deep

It penetrated my heart and covered my soul

It cleansed every sin my mind could behold

The healing power so strong and so quick

With a tongue like a fire my wounds it did lick

It cleansed me deep with the blood of the cross

All my past sins, to the depths of the seas they were tossed

A crown on my head was set with great care

To signify the sins I'd left there

And tho I'm not worthy to carry a crown

In me some value the King has now found

Judge me you might and my failure repeat

Tho I left them all there at his nail scarred feet

Through your eyes still, fault you may find

But to those, his vision now is blind

New failures I'm sure, I'm certain to make

But more grace from his throne I will thankfully take

And if you look at me through  human sight

I'm certain you'll find, more compromise

But when he looks at me with his eyes alone

It's His righteousness, not mine, in glory is shone.

Things Are Fine

"Why do you feel the need to make jokes about it?" My Doctor asked with a serious look. My automatic response was... "I just thought if I acted fine and made jokes everyone would relax. If I did that enough I would actually be fine and everyone would be happy." Well, apparently that's because I'm a "Blue Personality"... I'm a fixer, a people pleaser and a caretaker. That may be true, but to be honest about it, I don't feel like I've done much fixing, pleasing, or care taking for several months. I agree that part of it stems from the head injury, but also, as I've gotten older I've just gotten fatigued by jumping through flaming hoops, (as I call it), to make everyone else's world okay. I talked to 3-4 friends last week who felt exactly the same way (we're all the same age.hmm) Is that what they call a mid-life crisis? No, in my opinion that's what they call being a woman, wife, mother, daughter, friend and employee. Women have to have a lot of "Blue" traits. If we didn't, our men would never find the catsup, our kids wouldn't make  it anywhere on time, our parents wouldn't have anyone to blame, our friends wouldn't have anyone to go shopping with and our employers would wonder around endlessly searching for documents that did not exist and therefore had not been filed. Seriously, after years of tying everyone's loose ends together, who wouldn't be a little frazzled and need a crisis to give them a little break? Throw a little PMS, peri-menopause, Alzheimer's, or dementia on top and say "Welcome to my life!" In fact I truly believe that if they did enough scientific research, they would find that women actually never have any of these aliments, it's just an excuse someone came up with to describe the times in a woman's life when she-has-had-enough and just shuts down! Experts blame it on our hormones, psychiatrist blame it on our childhood, but if the truth were known, it all boils down to the fact that after a certain age women just get tired! We get tired of doing.... Tired of fixing..... Tired of care taking.... And tired of being the "go to gal". There are tons of cartoons out there that help us laugh about the various aspects of being where some of us are.... Because whether it's a head injury, or a mid-life crisis, it makes us feel better if those around us are laughing. It makes us think that if we laugh long enough and hard enough we'll be alright. Because women feel they can handle just about anything as long as those around them think things are fine.

The Fabric of the Mind

THE FABRIC OF THE MIND

When tangled fibers

Slowly begin to mend

Joining themselves together

Like when they first began

When the tear begins to mend itself

A fusion in the mind

And a pathway circumvented

Become straightened with passing time

Tho healing may be needed

And wholeness is desired

The bringing back together

feels like burning fire

A sudden flash, a thunderbolt

Of emotions long forgot

Or a crashing wave of memory

Unaware you're suddenly caught

Alone without instruction

Or lost without a clue

The torn remaining remnant

Of a slightly different you

Maybe it's not completed

Healing still at work

But at least there is progress

And a whisper of hope is heard

An unlocking of the one you were

Hidden deep inside

It's a complicated process

Discovering something new

The fabric of the mind

That once was known as you

 

Does A Kitten Make A Cougar???

When I was little,it was always my dream to have a little sister. I remember crying when a friends mom became pregnant, I wanted one so bad. When I grew up, I looked forward to being an aunt. I envisioned buying cute little baby outfits, toys and having someone to spoil rotten. They could call me Aunt JacJac and they would cry to come to my house. Although my husband's sisters had kids, they were all older by the time we were married and sadly my brother never had kids. Someday maybe I'll be a grandma, but it's not something I'm holding my breath about. I just want my kids to take their time, enjoy their youth and good things will come when they come. I used to borrow my friends children to take them to the movies and park, load them up with sugar and send them home... but now all of them have gotten older. I told my husband that we don't have any kids for me to could borrow anymore. Deep sad sigh. Yesterday my daughter called and said she was thinking of getting a cat. She has missed her pets since being in the Navy, maybe more than she has missed us. Last night I went shopping with a friend (pretty sure I robbed one envelope to pay for another envelope) and she sent me this picture of her new kitten. Adorable. She said "I'm a Mom!" My question is.... If my daughter has a kitten instead of a child, does that make me a cougar? Exactly how does that work?

Compensating For Crickets and Reading Your Lips

It's like a warm summer's eve in my head all the time. Since my injury I have the constant sound of crickets and locust singing in my ears. LOL!!! That almost makes it sound poetic doesn't it? I went to the Dr. the other day and she asked me how my crickets were sounding and how my hearing was doing. Honestly, that's probably the one thing that has not gotten any better at all. I catch myself saying "Huh?" a lot, or "What did you say?" When all else fails, I lean in a little closer and focus on peoples lips. I told her it was amazing how many people speak without moving their lips very much. She kind of laughed and said "I wondered if you knew you were doing that." Then she told me that she had noticed that instead of making eye contact, I watch her lips a lot. Ugh, and I thought I was being so sly! I find it interesting how we humans learn to compensate for our shortcomings and how sometimes we don't even realize we're compensating until someone points it out. Kind of makes me want to do a quick examination to see what else I'm compensating for.... God knows I've got plenty of shortcomings besides my crickets:-)

Happy Birthday Barbie

A few years ago, me and a good friend decided to join the local recreation center and to start working out. We had to do it together, because neither of us are disciplined enough to do it on our own. At 5:00 in the morning we drag our sagging tails out of bed and meet at 5:30 for a 30 minute workout. I would like to say that we are totally committed and rarely miss, but unfortunately that hasn't been the case. At least a couple of times a week my cell phone will buzz with a short message saying "Sleeping in this morning." or her cell phone will buzz with a message from me that says... "I just can't do it." The rule is when we get those messages from one another the person receiving the message is suppose to snap into Drill Sargent mode and whip out some vile, hardcore insult and then instruct the other that they had better show up or they will be personally dragged out of bed and be brought to the gym in her jammies..... Yeah, that never happens either. We both lay there hoping the other will text until a little past 5 then figure either we get up or we opt to be the loser of the day. I guess we've been doing this for 4 years now and as odd as it may sound I enjoy our workouts. My husband has suggested he join us a few times, and although I would love for him to come with me in the evenings.... The mornings are Barb and I time. Although we stay in constant communication via texting and instant message, workout time is the only time we actually spend together. I'm lucky to have her as a friend even if she does make me feel like frumpy dumpty. She is tall, thin and georgeous... pretty much every thing I'm not. She has a constant giggle.... I mean constant. She giggles to herself like she's thinking about a private joke and then wonders why I look at her weird. My secrets are safe with her. I can tell her anything and rest assured it will go no farther. When I'm down she encourages me, when I'm blunt she calls me brutal, when I do stupid stuff she calls me "silly girl", and when I cry, she just kind looks sad and loves me.Today is Barb's 40th birthday! She's a little freaked out about the number but in my opinion she is getting more fabulous every day. Happy Birthday Barb!!! I love ya..... Jac