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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Lucille's Great Escape

I drove home last night from a satisfying hill climb at the gym. Our street was dark when I pulled into the drive and my son's car wasn't there so I assumed he had already headed over to a friends to spend the night. I grabbed all of my paraphernalia necessary for a successful workout... Phone, in case I want to listen to music or get an earth shaking important call. My Kindle Fire because there's nothing like a good murder mystery to take your mind off the burning sensation in my
thighs. My ear buds in case I want to listen to music, or in the event that someone next to me insist on be a Chatty Cathy with the person next to them, I can block them out, well partially block them out. Usually when that happens my ADHD kicks into high gear and all I can hear or concentrate on is their conversation which usually seems to be several decimals higher than anything else going on in the place. Then of course I had my diet Dr. Pepper from Braum's (treat for working out), my Walmart purchases and my super duper cute purse with a giant bow topped of with a very heavy gold knot :-) Essentials I tell ya, just the essentials. I opened the screen door and pulled the door handle and notta, door was
locked. Funny thing about my essentials... They don't include the house key, because the door's not usually locked when someone is home. So, I knocked and knocked with the knocker and I heard the scrambling of little piglet feet that are attached to my Bulldog. Riley was waggin her "not a tail" and shaking her "barely a head" opposite of each other which makes her look like ananimated puppet. She did bark a couple of times, but that takes a lot of energy when you're trying to wag your "not a tale" at the same time so mainly she just sat there and snorted. I know my husband is in the house somewhere, so I continued
to knock until I heard the heavy footfall of Sailor, the Mastiff who recently topped out at 182 lbs. She joined the vigil Riley was holding by the front door, but she stood back just a tad in case the intruder, who wasn't very effective at intruding, turned dangerous. I looked through the window of the door only to see, sad dog eyes and heard science fiction-ish snorting, but no husband. The lights were off in the bedroom,and
I was afraid my husband had fallen asleep... That's why God made panic buttons on car keys (well that and so you can find your car in a crowded parking lot). I let the horn annoy the neighbors for a few seconds than shut it off and looked in the window to see if I had a husband, which I did not. Just like when I'm shampooing my hair I, lather, rinse, and repeated until the entire neighborhood was awake, oddly enough no one bothered to call the police because apparently I stand outside my house making a spectacle of myself all the time. About now you're probably thinking, why didn't she just use her cell phone to call her husband? Good question, I did, just so I could say I did, but he rarely answers the phone and it was downstairs where he
couldn't hear it. I tried the gate to the back yard, it's locked, as well as the garage door. Suddenly I felt like I was trying to break into Fort Knox. I put all my essentials back in the car, except the phone so I can use it as a flash light, and I walked around the block to ally. We have a rock/iron fence in the back of our house, but back yard itself is below street level. I carefully found a footing on the rock wall and threw my leg over the iron rods that taper the top. I wanted in the house, but at that moment my goal was not to impale my nether regions on the iron fencing! I got past the fence without a rod up my butt, the next hurdle was to manage NOT to fall into the Yucca plants which are nestled up against the wall... As if a Yucca is even capable of nestling. It was pitch black.  I spotted a white rock laying on the ground beneath the cornerstone. It made it possible for me to step from the fence instead of jumping. I completely escaped the rod up the butt and Yucca body piercings... Whew! I was certain my husband hadn't had time to fix the lock on the back door since Sailor ripped it off the hinges the other day(scared of thunder). Sure enough, 30 minutes after getting home, I slipped in the back door smooth as butter. As I head up the stairs my husband hollers.... "Have a good workout?"

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