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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's Not Easy

When I had my accident the first thing people said is "Oh you look great!" For some reason everyone expected black eyes, swollen cheeks, bloodied head. Although underneath my clothes there were bumps, bruises and scraps, they were not visible to just anyone. The doctor told me that in some ways it would be easier if there were outward evidence as to what happened, but my injuries are tucked way beneath the surface where no eyes can see.... In the brain. 11 months and three weeks to the date of the fall I still struggle with the unseen injuries. The thing that scares me the most is that my personality will never return to the old me. That doesn't just scare me, it terrifies me.Trust me, no one wants the old me back more than I do. Getting to know a new you is not fun, it's not comforting, there is nothing warm and fuzzy about it. You have no idea how difficult it is to see your husband look at you with concern and worry, yet not recognize the person you are now. It's not easy to feel disconnected from your emotions even with those you love the most. It's not easy to wonder if you'll have to make new friends because your old friends don't know the new you.It's not easy to hear words come out of your mouth and you have no idea where they came from. If you break your leg they can put a cast on it, give you crutches healing is simple and obvious. The brain is a little more complex, less understood and takes longer to heal. I can fake being fine all I want but that doesn't make me whole. They say the only thing that helps is time... But waiting on time isn't easy.

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