Staying Positive in Negative Times

More often than not, Facebook and other social media sites are full of politically fueled rants. A few years ago I stepped back from watching the news. I was fatigued by the bias talking heads that argued their point at nauseum. It became pointless trying to listen when everyone talked (or screamed) over one another until everything was unintelligible. What is the point? I now read the headlines, look at different viewpoints and filter it like this..... There is this side, there is that side, and someplace in the middle lies the truth. Here's a radical idea. What would the happen if mankind looked at life through a wide angle lens? How would our lives change if we stopped being spoon fed by the media? Through personal experience, my life has been a lot more peaceful. I'm informed, but I'm not engrossed.

The world will always be in crisis, be it health or otherwise. There will always be injustice. I find it hypocritical to be outraged by one injustice and not another. The only thing I can do, is spread as much positivity and love as humanly possible as long as I walk this earth. 

• I can be kind
• I can be understanding
• I can be informed
• I can reach out in love
• I can offer forgiveness
• I can make a difference through peace
• I can be different than the worst examples of humanity  
• I can be a light in a dark world

I cannot right all of the wrongs and correct all the misinformation, but I change the way I react to it all. I choose to stay positive and full of compassion and I wish more people would do the same.

The Best Intentions

After a few very stressful weeks, the dust has settled and even though the company I work for is closing all facilities in Duncan, I get to keep my job. The catch? I'll be working from home. Some people say they couldn't effectively work from home. Personally, I don't think I'll have a problem with it. I have a tendency to get sucked into a black hole once I fire up my computer and I don't have a hard time keeping my focus. I don't think working from home is going to change that. After a couple of years fraught with change, challenges, and uncertainty, I feel like this might be the beginning of a new phase. That is if Murphey's Law, which is my constant companion, will stay upstairs bingeing on daytime TV while I work. Or hey, if Murphey's Law just forgot about me completely.... That would be great. I'm excited about entering a phase. And in case you're wondering if I'll be working in jams and curlers..... Absolutely not. The plan is to get up everyday, dress for success and get-er-done.... I have the best intentions of being my best self in the best place possible.... Home Sweet Home.

The Long Goodbye

In December 2017, the company I worked for sold to a large public company... The beginning of a roller coaster ride. Acclimating to the structure of a public company has been quite a transition. In private company, we were able to handle things. If something landed on my desk, I either took care of it, or delivered it to someone who could. In a public company... Not so much. As a private company we felt like family. In a private company.... We are nothing but an employee number. In a private company, we had freedom to come up with new idea, easier ways of doing things. In a public company, everything has a templet and you must not vary from "The Templet". 

Whenever a company is sold, there is always a lot of uncertainty. Will they keep the original employees? If they do, how long will it last? We all feel that we have been in limbo for the last couple of years. I am fortunate that I was taken in under the corporate umbrella. But even though I've been fortunate, I still don't feel safe. Last week we discovered (by accident) that they would be closing all of the facilities in town. Today the deed was done and many of my co-workers were laid off. It was heartbreaking because we are like family. I think I have survivors guilt. I am one of a handful of employees that will remain working (so they say), even if it's from home. I am appreciative of the opportunity I've been given, but my heart is heavy for everyone who hasn't been as lucky. The last two years has been a long goodbye to everything we loved about what we did and who we worked for.   I know new chapters will open for my co-workers, but they are chapters from a book they didn't intend to read. 

Fluff Ball From Heaven

I got such a sweet text from my daughter this morning. Just in case you are feeling like God doesn't see you, let this reassure you that he most certainly does.

"So last night I got home from Bible study into the dark house,  I set my keys down and told Bella I would be back to feed her after I changed into my jamjams.  When I came out to feed Bella I noticed her right eye was red and swollen shut.  It looked so painful and it absolutely broke my heart, but she just wanted her dinner.  I set her plate down and as she ate I laid hands on her and prayed over her.  When she finished she turned around and her eye was completely healed and open!  I’m so grateful to God!  Not only does He love and care for me, but He also loves and cares for his creatures.  He knows that this little fluff ball has been with me for eight years and some of those years were very difficult.  She has been with me through some of the worst times of my life.  Times when I was severely depressed she would be the only thing I would get out of bed for.  Times when I was so lonely and felt so far from home, she was with me comforting me.  God knows how much she means to me and how much I love her.  I’m so incredibly grateful to Him. I just wanted to share what Jesus did last night for my sweet Bella, He is so good!"

Matthew 6:26

"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? "

I think that speaks volumes to how God feels about us.

Yes, God sees you. He sees your tears and he cares

about the fluff balls you have in your life. 

In the Still of the Night

The house is quiet. Dad is tucked safely in his bed, sleeping after an exhausting day of doctors and tests. The last 2 1/2 weeks have been a whirlwind of unexpected events. He had a major heart attack while mowing his neighbor's lawn and required a triple bypass. From the emergency room staff to the floor nurses, he has amazed everyone he has come in contact with. He doesn't look like he is 82, and he certainly doesn't act 82. He is fun to be around, he still works and of course there is his love of mowing.... A gene I did not inherit. He has beat all odds. They told him he would be in ICU for up to 3 days, he was moved to a regular room 24 hours after his surgery. He was told he would be in the hospital for weeks, but was moved into rehab the week after his surgery. They told him he would be in rehab much longer than a week and exactly 2 weeks from the day of his surgery, I brought him home.

A few weeks ago I was in Houston training. My supervisor and I was talking when the subject of my Dad came up. She leaned back in her chair and said..... "Wow! You completely light up when you talk about your Dad." I nodded. "This is what I've always said about my Dad.... He is the closest thing to a saint that you will ever meet this side of heaven." Those aren't just words, that's the honest to God truth. He has a kindness about him that is genuine to the core. He encourages and  affirms everyone around him. He isn't just a good guy, he is a GREAT guy. If you don't believe me ask anyone who knows him. He has taught me to be positive. He is a man of God. He has been a living example of having a good work ethic regardless of what you're doing.

During the day while I'm sorting his medication and hovering over him like a hen, I don't think about how things could have turned out. But in the still of the night my mind wonders to the "What If's" and I am overcome by emotion. Every day I have him is one more day that I am truly blessed. So I'll dry these tears and be thankful for every single breath.

Got a Little Dirt on My Bo......

It was surprisingly nice out tonight. This afternoon it was hotter than heck, but when I stepped out of the house for a walk, there was a cool breeze. I'm trying to get my mojo back after a few months of being MIA as far as walking is concerned. Since December my stress level has been over the top, but things have settled down and I'm in need of the peaceful easy feeling walking outdoors provides. Since Oklahoma summers are not for the faint of heart and I am definitely faint of heart when it comes to heat, I tried the gym. I just hate the treadmill. I've tried listening to music, watching movies on my phone, and reading, but about 20 minutes into it I'm thinking of excuses to call it quits.  A friend told me about the perfect trail that meanders around a pond. The trail is long enough to keep me from getting bored. Tonight was almost perfect. It was dark, I had the place to myself, there was a cool breeze and I was jamming to "Dirt on My Boots" by Jon Pardi. I noticed dark clouds rolling in on my last lap and lightening in the distance..... "I think I can make it." I told myself. I was walking at a good clip when I, in pure Jackie-esque style, tripped, not on anything other than my own two feet... It's a special talent I have.... If it was a spiritual gift, I'd be loaded. In slow motion, yet very quickly, my face raced toward the pavement.... "This is going to hurt." I told myself. It's amazing how many thoughts can run through your mind at once.... "Dive for the grass... It will hurt less. Try to break the fall with your hands without breaking your wrist..... Rolling at the same time of impact might prevent a major injury." My hands hit the pavement as I half skidded, half rolled toward the grass. As soon as I felt the impact on my hands, I put my shoulder down.... You know trying to spread the whole impact as to effect as many areas of my body possible. Why be sore in one place when I could be sore all over? While doing the stop, drop, and roll routine, I was also juggling my precious phone, because heaven knows the face can't take many more cracks before it denigrates in a cloud of glass. I may have looked like a baseball player sliding into home plate except without the applause and accolades generally lavished upon such go-getters. But more than likely I just looked like a grown woman flailing all over the place in a ridiculous attempt to "Do no harm".  A quick glance around assured me that I was indeed the only one to witness my less than graceful fall which is only slightly better than a fall from grace (although I've had my share of those too). I slowly picked myself up and brushed the dirt off as Jon Parti sang.... "I might have a little dirt on my boots, but I'm taken you uptown tonight." Perfect.  What a perfect song for a face plant. You just can't plan perfect puns like that. As I dig the asphalt out of the palm of my hand all I can think is.... "This is going to hurt in the morning." 

How Much Does Freedom Cost

I'll never forget the evening my daughter first asked what I thought about her joining the Navy. She had dropped by the house for a visit. We were talking about everything and nothing at all. The year before, she had made the decision not to go back to OSU even though she had been accepted into the Interior Design school. Her oldest brother had died a tragic death her sophomore year and she was struggling with the uncertainties of life. She got an apartment a few block from our home and had been working at a bank. A co-worker had a son who was in the Navy and after hearing her stories about his experience, Aja felt God leading her in a different direction.... "What would you say if I told you I was thinking of joining the Navy?" she asked... "I think it would be a great opportunity." I responded. "It will do one of two things... It will make you or break you." I think she was surprised by my response and had I known she would actually follow through with it, I might have been more hesitant. There sat my girlie girl with her perfectly coiffed hair and nails. "You know you'll be like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin don't you? I think you put me in the wrong place.... I signed up for the one that had the really nice condos." I laughed. I loved that movie. Little did I know that God would take her on the journey of a lifetime. I saw her pushed to her emotional, physical, and spiritual limits only to bounce back with tenacity. Her body was so broken by the time she graduated boot camp, She actually finished the most difficult 48 hours of boot camp with an untreated broken leg. It was over a year or longer before her feet and legs began to heal and she could walk without being in severe pain. I think even she was surprised by her determination to beat the odds. Upon 

graduating she was given a pre-commission on the USS DDG102 Sampson which was a huge honor for someone of her rank. She attended A school in San Diego and was trained as a Sonar Tech. After A school she went to Bath Maine to work on the Sampson as it was being built. She accompanied the ship back to it's home port once it was sea worthy and prepared for deployment. We had the privilege of being in San Diego to welcome her and the crew back to US soil. It took FORR-EVER for the ship to make it to dock once it was within eyesight. To hug her and touch her and to know she was home safe was the best feeling on earth. While we were visiting a memorial she said to me.... "You know Mom, I never understood how someone could believe in something so much that they were willing to lay down their life for it. But having been to all the different countries during deployment, I totally get it now. We live in the greatest nation on earth." As a Mom, I couldn't be more proud of her. The time she spent in the military wasn't an easy journey, but it is one she does not regret. I thank God every day that he brought her back home safe and sound. Many Mothers cannot say the same. How much does Freedom cost? IT COST EVERYTHING!! Not only does it cost everything, it is not something you can sit back and just take for granted. A sleeping nation can easily have their freedoms ripped right out from under them. Do I have a problem with water boarding terrorist?   Hmm, let me think about that.... No. I have pictures seared in my brain of my daughters mangled body after graduating boot camp. I have pictures of her red face and eyes swollen shut from being sprayed with military grade pepper spray. My heart sank when she described being put in a gas chamber. It's not a stretch to say their training is nothing less than torture. Do I think it's a smart move for our nation to be cognitive of individuals entering out country? I think it's a very smart move. It's not enough to be grateful, we must be actively taking steps to assure that our children and grandchildren have freedom in the future. I am proud to be an American, but I'm not sure all Americans appreciate what they have, understand how they got it, or are aware of how much what they have cost. It would be nice if this Memorial Day we took a collective moment from our political bickering to unite as a nation in a simple act of gratitude and acknowledgement that in the words of my daughter.... We live in the greatest nation on earth. It didn't come easy, just ask someone whose loved one made the ultimate sacrifice.... That's the cost of freedom.

Being a Part

I'm sitting here half asleep. The background music to my dreams is the sound of saws, the pounding of hammers, and the increasing hum of voices. This is how I have spent my evening the last couple of weeks as part of the cast in The Wizard of Oz. Prior to moving into the theatre, we rehearsed in churches and local businesses.... Pretty much any place we could find. When I menationd to my new boss the other day that I had rehearsals every weeknight, she gasped and said.... "Do they pay you?" She couldn't grasp why I would commit to something so intense without compensation. The reasons I started doing community theatre is convoluted at best. The reason I continue doing it is simple. It is an amazing feeling to bring a group of people together, many who have never met, and create something magical. Be it a comedy or a musical, it is an experience that builds a unique bond between others you would not normally meet. It is a process that on the outside may look simple, but behind the scenes, it is nothing short of a miracle considering all of the moving parts... Literally and figuratively. I may be in a bit of a daze from exhaustion as is every other member of the cast, but nonetheless,  i am excited for the curtains to rise Friday night. Yes, the monkeys will absolutely fly. The Witch make you shrink back into your chair, and Dorothy will melt your heart with her gentle spirit and songbird voice. Everyone from Toto, to the Munchkins will magically transport you to the land of Oz. If you blink you might miss my breakout performance as the fence that is caught up in the tornado, or you might not recognize me as an Ozian with Green eyes and wild hair. You will probably never see my name headlining a play, but that isn't the point in local theatre. The point is bringing together a hodgepodge of  hearts and creating something that is captivating and entertaining. "Build it and they will come." I assure you that if you do, you will not be disappointed, and who knows, you may just catch the bug yourself and next year you may be one of those of us on stage. It gives a whole new meaning of "having a part". Whether it's behind the scenes, building props, or helping Munchkins get dressed, everyone is needed and together we create the magic on stage. I'll have to warn your though.....  It's going to be an amazing show and you just might get blown away. Hold onto your seats... We hope to see you there. 

Reasoning with a Three Year Old

From the moment I dropped my purse by the door, Levi offered one of  his two make believe guns fashioned from limbs of a tree.... "You wanna play wiz me Lolli?" He asked. "Of course I do."  I exclaimed!"  "We got a lot of competition." He told me. "We are going to sneak up on bad guys.".... We began our hunt for the bad guys and around and around the table we went. This was before Mom and Dad had left for the hospital to see Baby Girl. If I ran around the table looking for bad guys once, I ran around it a 100 times. We climbed make believe steps, we went up a make believe elevator, and climbed through make believe holes in the ceiling. We patrolled the house like our lives depended on it. We read books, played with star wars men until he rubbed his tummy and informed me his tummy really needed a snack. We sat for a quick lunch and then he was up and ready to roll again. "Levi, you need to give Pops a kiss cause it's nap time. His face quickly fell into a pout that could crush the hearts of kings....."But I don't need a nap." he said.... "Oh, I beg to differ with you little one, I can tell by the way you're batting your eyes, that they are ready for a nap." "But I don't like naps." He whined... "You don't like naps! I love naps. Look Pops has already started on his... Explain to me exactly what you dislike about naps." I asked..... "He splayed his hand against his chest and said with complete conviction .... "I don't need naps, I'm getting to be a big boy, and look, my eyes are being still."  As he held them as wide open as he possibly could." Okay Levi." I said,  "If that is the truth I need you to explain one thing to me."... "What?"  He asked."  "Okay, you say you are too big for naps, but Pops is way bigger than you, and he still needs naps. And Lolli is way bigger than you, and I still love my naps. If that is true for LolliPops, then how is it possible that you, being much smaller than we are, don't need a nap?" There was a long silent pause, as if he was trying to find a rebuttal to the logic of my question. Then he kind of shrugged his shoulder like he knew this was one battle he wasn't going to win. "Go give Pops a goodnap kiss and all three of us will take our naps, then get up and play some more." Without fuss, or muss, he kissed Pops goodnap and I carried him to his bed. He snuggled right under the covers and said.... "lolli, will you tell me a story?" "I sure will" I said as I sat beside his crib. I spun a tale with dramatic flare that's usually saved for the stage. When I finished the story, I wished him sweet dreams and quietly shut the door. Not another peep was heard from him as he fell fast asleep. As if on cue, Pops and I took our nap as well, wishing it was a daily part of our routine. It's funny that some of the most precious moments in a parent or grandparents life are those sweet moments of tucking them in and whispering "Sweet Dreams". It may be true you can't argue with a three year old, but sometimes logic works wonders, or maybe I just got lucky. But lucky isn't all I got, I also got a nap, so it was a win, win situation.

Facing Your Fears, The Best of Both

Exactly 8 years ago New Year’s Day, I had a freak accident which  resulted in a TBI. Although the accident was terrifying for my family and friends who saw it happen. The most difficult part for me was the recovery. For months, or to some extent years, I felt disconnected not only from myself, but also from those around me. While I tried to pretend everything was normal, things most certainly were not. I had lost myself and the journey to finding myself was a long lonely road. Having been plagued with a fear of trying new things all my life, I was suddenly not afraid of anything. In a way it was a blessing because fear is crippling. During my recovery, the trepidation I usually felt when faced with something different, wasn't there. This wasn’t necessarily healthy. During that time, I'd try anything. I'm surprised I didn't join a traveling circus. I did things I would have never thought of doing before the injury. As I began to recover, the fear slowly return, although not as severe.  The last couple of month of 2017 was a difficult time for my family. My husband and dad both faced health issues, some of which were scary. I had/have work stresses that were and new peppered with anxiety. At the end of December, I decided to try something totally out of my comfort zone. At first, my family thought it wasn't a good time. My thought was maybe a challenge is just what I need to take my mind off things I can’t control. Having made the decision, it is very apparent that I am no longer living in the “Wonderland” of no worries. I have battled the decision with the conversation sounding like this.

"You can't do this!… You need to do this… You don’t belong!… This will be a great experience… You are a fish out of water!… It will be fine."

This is the first time I’ve had this much trepidation since the TBI. I liked it much better when those nagging little doubts were silent and I floated past my insecurities into unknown territory without a care in the world. Apparently, I had come to appreciate certain aspects of my “Alice in Wonderland” mentality. My husband calls me Jac 2.0. The “Alice in Wonderland” side was fearless and fun loving. She was an up for anything kind of gal. Who would have thought there was a “good side” to having a TBI. I start 2018 hoping I can face my fears, conquer them, and come out better on the other side. Maybe it will be the best of both worlds.

I'm Thankful for.....

I was talking with my daughter tonight. A friend of hers is moving to another state. After being in the Navy for 10 years, my daughter is familiar with long distance and sometimes temporary relationships. I think it makes her guarded. I lost a dear friend almost 4 years ago. Knowing I'll never hear her sweet voice again, makes my heart ache. What am I thankful for this month of thanksgiving? I'm thankful God allowed friends like her to grace my life (grace being the key word). I am thankful for those I love, and those who love me back. They are to my heart, as air is to my lungs. To love others is to be completely vulnerable, because they hold your heart in their hands. Your heart in the hands  of others is a fragile thing indeed. Loving others is a dangerous journey, but the risk offers rich rewards. Choose, but choose wisely. I'm thankful for the times I did.

Catching some Z's

Sleep has been an illuisive friend for the years. It's a trait I inherited from my Dad. I can usually tell when it's going to be one of those nights, but instead of getting up and doing something productive, I lay there waiting for the magical moment I fall unconscious.  Occasionally, I get up and go to Planet Fitness which is open 24/7.  As odd as it seems, my system is so used to it, that I almost feel better when I only get a few hours of sleep as opposed to several hours of deep sleep. Its like my adrenaline gland kicks in when my body knows it's been sleep deprived and I usually function great. But still I long to disengage my brain for several hours just to escape the stresses of life. This week my insomnia has been in hyper drive and today I was a walking Zombie in heels..... Maybe it's the time change. The tried and true hypnosis recording I call Sandman, can get me to sleep and keep me relaxed during what would be a sleepless night, bit the dust last week. I got him up and running after work today, so tonight night I'm  looking forward to catching some much needed z's. I'm hoping tomorrow I'm less Zombie-ish, but still wearing really cute heels.

Better Man

Do you ever wish life would throw you a pleasant curve ball instead of a curve ball that knocks you on the ground?  I have.  I avoid the news like the plague. Just when you think the world can’t get much worse…. It does. As if that’s not enough, sometimes the reality of life itself can be harsh. Mike and I took a day off to get away to enjoy the beautiful weather and to sneak in some much needed alone time outside our normal environment. We didn’t go far. We went to Lake Murray which is a hop skip and a jump from Duncan.  We got to Ardmore mid-afternoon. We had our usual lunch debate…. “What do you want?”…. “I don’t care, what do you want?” We parked at Chili’s and as we were getting out, I said…. “You know, if we wanted to eat at Chili’s, we could do that in Lawton. Why don’t we mix things up and try something new?”  Lucky for me, he was willing to think outside the box, so we decided to try Two Frogs which we had never been to. Before we sat down, he was in hog heaven. Autographed guitars and pictures of famous musicians lined the walls. A small stage was in the front. My husband loves nothing more than live music, but it was too early in the day for the music to have started.  To top it off, the food was great. We were both glad we had stepped out of our familiar box and tried something new. When the waitress brought our ticket she asked if we had plans for the evening. I told her we were just spending the night at the lodge.  She then explained that Clint Black was in town for a concert and would actually be showing up at the restaurant for an after party. She had two free tickets to the concert and wanted to know if we would be interested in going. There was no debate needed about that choice. I thanked her and thanked her (and left a big tip). She said…. “I had these tickets and I said to myself….. That couple doesn’t look like they’re doing anything tonight, I’ll see if they want to go.”  When we got in the car I asked Mike….. “Do we actually look so boring that people can take one look at us and  know we got nothing going on??” Actually, I think she took one look at us and thought…. “That couple looks like they are up for an unexpected adventure.”

The concert was at The Heritage Hall, a small venue. It was a general admission concert so we got there early and had seats 13 rows from the front. We’ve been fortunate to have seen groups like The Eagles, James Taylor, Elton John, Billy Joel, Vince Gill, Martina McBride and many others in concert. I’ve always like Clint’s music, but I was aware he hadn’t had a hit in several years so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I can honestly say that it was one of the best concerts I have ever had the pleasure of attending. I love his music, but in addition to being an outstanding vocalist and musician, he had an amazing rapport with the audience. His smile is infectious and you can tell he genuinely loves what he is doing, and loves his fans. The majority of his band has been with him for 30 years which means they are tight. Their musicality is impeccable! Such longevity tells me that he is not just a great musician, but also a great man. I don’t know this for a fact, but I think his career intentionally took a backseat when he married, which is admirable. Whatever the reason, I can promise you he is a top notch musician and entertainer which is a direct result of being him being "A Better Man”.

A Quiet Light

When I heard that Tilt-a-Whirl Joe, a man well known in our community for operating the tilt-a-whirl at Kiddieland, had passed away at the age of 93, my heart immediately broke and warmed at the same time. When I think of influence, I think of someone or something that is larger than life and hard to ignore. That isn’t always the case. Joe was a small unassuming man. He faithfully operated the tilt-a-whirl since 1986. He didn’t just operated it…. He owned it! He owned it in the sense that he put his whole heart and soul into each ride, carefully watching the faces of the tiny tots who giggled and squealed with each turn of the cart. When my kids were small, I loved watching as he pulled the stick that made the carts whirl with a wide grin, ride after ride, after ride. He seemed to take the joy of each passenger personally. He closely monitored each face to make sure the tiny tots were having a good time. He didn’t hesitate to stop the ride when a wee one became overwhelmed. He was the epitome of Ecclesiastes 9:10 “Whatsoever your hands find to do, do it with all your might.” His image is etched in my memory and the memory of my community. My husband and I work the Welcome Desk at our church, and every service he would come to the desk to get one of the hearing devices made available. He always had a sweet smile and a kind word. On more than one occasion, I remember thinking to myself….. “I want to be just like him when I grow up.” I never had a conversation beyond pleasantries, but that doesn’t change the fact that he had a lasting influence on my life and the life of others. He was and will always remain, A quiet light. 

Love Safe

Parents teach their children about dangers. We teach them about stranger danger. We teach them not to text and drive. We drill into them that they should just say no to drugs. We warn them against many things that can trip them up and weigh them down in life, but we rarely discuss the signs and dangers of a toxic relationship. I wonder why that is? It’s safe to say that everyone has been in some kind of a toxic relationship at one time or another be it bullying as a child, or an emotionally and/or physically abusive boyfriend or spouse. But mum is the word when it comes to sharing our experience. Years ago I warned someone I love about warning sign I saw in a new relationship. This loved one lived in another state at the time, but was visiting me when they took a call from a new boyfriend.  The one-sided conversation I overheard, made the hairs on my arm stand up. I was in an abusive relationship in high school, and the conversation was a Déjà vu moment for me. I couldn't help but share my fears, but they wanted to believe the best in the new relationship and as they say…. The rest is history. Maybe we don't discuss it because it is hard to believe that you have been duped.  Maybe it's shame that keeps us silent, or fear that it will happen again. It's probably a combination of all of the above, but whatever the reason, it's something everyone should be aware of.  I have had my share of heartache from relationships that were peppered with warning signs all along. I want to say they are in my past, but I'm sure there are more in my future. Why?  Because I sincerely want to believe the best in others. I want to give large portions of grace, because I know that I require large portions of grace..... And last but not least, I am a people pleaser. The easiest way to love, is to be aware and believe there is such a thing as safe love. I found the following portion of an article that describes one of the most toxic relationships. I wish I had read years ago. This type of relationship left me wounded and caused me to question myself and others. I keep this close at hand so next time I'll love at a safe distance. 

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

A Narcissistic Personality Disorder comes across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. A Narcissist will often monopolize conversations. They may belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior. They feel the sense of entitlement - and when they don't receive special treatment, they become impatient or angry. They have trouble handling anything perceived as criticism. They have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. They often react with rage or contempt and try to belittle others to make themselves appear superior. 

• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerates achievements and talents
• Believe they are superior 
• Require constant admiration and affirmation
• Expects unquestioning compliance with their expectations
• Takes advantage of others to get what they want
• Believes others envy them
• Behaves in an arrogant or haughty manner

Although some features of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder may seem like having confidence, it's not the same. Narcissistic Personality Disorder crosses the boarder of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of themselves they put themselves on a pedestal and value themselves more than they value others.

Love without boundaries, but always be aware. I can love a Narcissist, but I'll love them at a safe distance.

You've Came a Long Way Baby

The other day, I was standing in the check out line at Homeland with my husband. I had just put a People magazine back after flipping through the pictures, when the lady behind looked at the cover.... "Oh isn't that baby adorable?" She said. The cover featured Charlotte, the second child of Prince Williams and Kate. "Which one is that?" the lady asked me..... I told her and then I had to show her how much Charlotte looked like the Queen (bless her heart), but in a good way. We had our heads together as I flipped through the magazine looking for the picture.... This stranger and I. I found the picture and showed it to her..... "Oh, she certainly does!" she said as I returned the magazine to the shelf. By that time my husband was paying out and I headed to the car with our buggy. That's when it hit me..... 7, 6, even 5 years ago that conversation would have never, ever happen even in my, or my husband's wildest imagination. 8 years ago, yes, but certainly not 7 years ago. I stood in the parking lot replaying the interaction. It was a vivid contrast of how far I've come over the last 7 years. So much so that I almost missed noting that this would have been impossible 7 years ago when I struggled my way back from a Traumatic Brain Injury. During the years following, I found it difficult to communicate with my family, much less a stranger. Relationships were difficult to maintain, much less cultivate. Remembering those years are something I choose not to do often, but this particular moment the memory was a sweet reminder that I've come a long way baby.   

Unstoppable

This has been a weird week. It seems like everything I picked up, was more complicated than it needed to be. I've worked really hard, yet feel like I haven't accomplished much. I call it "Swimming in Glue". Although everyone has days like that.... I've had a whole week. Well, almost, tomorrow is Friday!!! Insert happy dance here.

It just amazes me how God orchestrates opportunities. Today he orchestrated a beautiful opportunity for me to visit with someone who has inspired me for years. I have a precious friend who is in the journey of showing Breast Cancer who's is boss. Today she had her second Chemo treatment and I was able to visit with her for a couple of hours. When I got there she was already hooked up and ready to go. Without exaggeration, I can say she absolutely glowed. We chatted like two magpies for a couple of hours..... Just catching up. It was a great visit. As I drove away from the Treatment Center, I thought to myself about what a great attitude she has. She has met this giant face to face and hasn't even flinched. It is so refreshing to see faith in action. She is literally "Standing on the Promises of God" Unstoppable is when you go to encourage someone else and come away feeling inspired yourself. That's just the way she is. I love her to the moon and back and can't wait to see what God will do with her Unstoppable spirit.

Comfort Zone

The last couple of years or so, I had been convinced that God was done with me.... I was of no use to him as I held no spiritual value. I thought God had tossed to me the side like people do to each other. I wasn't interested in investing in new relationships.  I get a visual of God watching me with his arms crossed, tilting his head and saying.... "Really? You think that's how this works?" With quite a bit of attitude I might add. So, God did what God does...  He stirred things up like an Eagle does her nest. It felt as if he had literally tossed me into the wind like an Eagle teaching her young to fly. Trust me.... It may sound idyllic when you read about it in Deuteronomy 32:10-11, but when it happen in real life, it's terrifying!! Did I flounder? Oh yes I did. I had lived in the shadows of others for so long, I couldn't imagine being left hanging, no security in sight. Nothing will bring out your insecurities and fill you with self-doubt like being uprooted from your comfort zone.  I wish I could say that I didn't bat a lash. I wish I could say I just spread my wings and began to soar.... But that would be as far from the truth, as the east is from the west. Comfort zones aren't healthy. I had taken a backseat, and even worse, believed that's where I belonged. See, that's the whole problem with comfort zones. Comfort zones are to Christians, like rocking chairs are to babies.... They lull us to sleep. Living in the shadow of others, will make your eyelids heavy and before you know it you're just dozing away without a care in the world. That's not the life Christians are called to. We were created to be, not just conquerors', but more than Conquerors'. Imagine an army preparing to conquer a city. Do you get a picture of soldiers decked out in their pajamas, popping bonbons in their mouth? No. A conqueror has to be on their toes.... A conqueror has to be hyper aware of what's going on, not wrapped in a in blanket. How ridiculous would that look? Comfort zones are a great place to hide, but they aren't a great place to grow. Growing takes a lot of digging, a lot of culling, a lot of not so pleasant activities that stimulates us to adjust. The Church is a great comfort zone. The Church isn't suppose to be a comfort zone, it's supposed to be a safe place, but not necessarily a comfortable place. The church isn't the building.... We are the Church and as such, we are to be mobile. Sure, the Church comes together as one, for encouragement and to be spiritually fed, but the Church isn't the battlefield. The battlefield, the ground to be gained lies outside the doors of the church where things aren't always pre-planned and well rehearsed. The Church building is where we dress for battle, but it isn't where the battle takes place.

So what did I do? I questioned everything and everyone around me.  I wanted to completely disappear from life as I knew it. As Dr. Seuss would say, I puzzled and puzzled until my puzzler was sore, and then I puzzled just a little bit more. I went through a time of doubting God, myself and others. Then ever so slowly God began to push a little here, nudge a little there, and before I knew it He whispered in my ear..... "It's not that I don't understand..... It's just that I don't care, because where you were at, isn't where I needed you to be..." and slowly he began to open my sleepy eyes,  dry my pitiful tears, and direct my timid steps (which are ordered by him), to new places, with new faces.  He assured me that I had a purpose just as crucial as anything as anyone else. He has done a great work in me.  He has healed my wounds, strengthened my wings and is teaching me to soar with the big birds. He has made it apparent that I have not been tossed aside. He has prepared me for such a time as this with a kingdom purpose. He has spoken to me and through me... Little ole back seat me. He has shown me that value I have in Him, and so much more so since he kicked me out of my comfort zone. He didn't leave me in a free fall, he swooped down and caught me on his wings until I had gained confidence. He carried me until I wasn't afraid to forge new relationships. Looking back now I know he had never left me behind, but he was always  behind me.

Sweet ones..... The greatest lie Satan can tell you, is you are of no worth. I assure you every one of you have a purpose. There are no big I's or little u's in the kingdom of God. We are all meant to be conquers' of big things, little things, and every day things. You have value and I hope you realize it before you have a nest stirring experience. Get out and get going.... You have places to go, people to meet and things to be done in His name. Start now before he jump starts it for you.

The Brambles and the Briars

I've often referred to the journey of life as a tapestry. On one side, you have a plethora of colors, weaving and intersecting in what looks like nothing but tangled knots. When you turn the frame around, what was a tangled mess, emerges as a beautiful picture. That is still the way I prefer to look at life. It may be messy, but in the end a beautiful life will emerge. But when you are in the thick of things, when you are going through the tough stuff....  Life doesn't feel like a tapestry, it feels like you have stumbled into a thicket of brambles and briars. You can't escape life without some bumps and bruises, a little bleeding and scars. Our Savior didn't escape the tough stuff.

The brambles and the briars can be anything that knocks you off your feet, something that jerks the rug right out from under you sending you in a free fall.  They are the failed relationships, broken promises, and unfulfilled dreams that haunt us in our darkest hour. They are illnesses and unexpected deaths that shatter our lives and disrupt the foundation of all that we know. They are the despair you feel when your career tanks, sinking the ship that hasn't quite come in.  They are "the things" that happen to other people until you look up to find them roosting on your doorstep with no warning. They consist of  wild thorns and sharp words, that pierce your heart, ripping wounds so deep you surely think you will not survive. But survive you will. The tough times are not times of beauty, for we cannot see the big picture and often cannot see or feel the hand of God. It isn't until we can look back with tearless eyes and vision that isn't clouded by pain and emotions, that we see them for what they are... A learning place... A kneeling place.

In time.... After you've fought your way through the brambles and briars and back onto a path of healing, that you may gain clarity regarding such a painful time.... Well, sometimes clarity will come, but some times you just have to trust that when the sun begins to shine, you will look back and see some sort fruit or lovely blossoms on the thorny branches that once ripped holes in your heart. Sometimes the fruit is sweet, sometimes it is bitter, but there are always lessons to be learned in the thicket of the briars. There will be scars.... But scars can tell a beautiful story.... A story of healing, a story of hope.

The brambles and the briars in my life may be different than the ones in your life. It is so difficult to watch someone you know struggle through these patches in life. If you've ever been there, you want desperately to gently remove them from the thorns that are ripping every fiber of their heart.  But free them you can't.... All you can do is to be there for them... To be a safe place for them to go to when they are still so tender.  You can meet them where they're at, with no judgement. You can be open arms that embrace the hurting with the healing ointment of unconditional friendship.  You can be the one who whispers God's promises in their ear... To remind them to be gentle to themselves as they heal. You can be an encourager for nothing will zap your courage like the brambles and the briars.  I like it when I can make them smile, for I remember all too well, that smiles can be few and far between when you are tangled in the brambles and the briars.

Hoppa Lolli and Snowflakes From Heaven

Today was my birthday and like every birthday, (especially as I get older) it was a special day..... Not so much because it was my birthday, but because it was Valentine's Day. If I could pick any day of the year to have a birthday, Valentine's Day would be it. I'm a hopeless romantic and love anything that is heart shaped, pink, or that glitters. Valentine's Day is my day.... Literally! First thing this morning I got a video from my Daughter-in-law of my Grandson saying..... "Hoppa Lolli" which translated into Levi speak means "Happy Birthday Lollli." It made my heart swell to epic proportions.

Later in the day I got a little melancholy, wishing I could talk to my Mom and listen to her tell my birth story. Something about a birthday just calls for a Momma. Shortly, a co-worker peaked around the corner and said.... "Jackie, it's snowing." I ran outside like a two year old..... I truly regress when snow is involved. If I had any self awareness, I'd probably be embarrassed, but I don't and I'm not.... I love snow and am completely clueless at those who don't. I knew without a doubt that those fluffy flakes were sent as a special reminder that she is gone but not forgotten.

To top the day off was a ton of well wishes from friends near and far. I had a spectacular birthday and as Dr. Seuss said about Christmas.....

"It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags."

But it came with a whole lot of heart. It came with a Hoppa Lolli, and snowflakes from heaven and I could not wish for anything more. I love you dear friends and I hope your day was just as magical as mine.