Last weekend we went home for my birthday. Saturday morning
I woke up in my bed; it was a good feeling. I had 6 weeks of dust covering my
furniture and mile of paw prints (the size of a small horse) covering my
hardwood floors. In addition to my disorder, I had mounds of clothes that had been
hurriedly packed and moved, along with odds and ends from Mom’s front bedroom
when the hospital bed was brought. The last
six weeks had been a whirlwind of activity and endless tasks that had to be
taken care of. Dad isn’t one to ask for help, so when he does you know he’s in
desperate need. I had thank you cards to write, contributions that needed to be
acknowledged, plants to tend (we all know how handy I am with plants), and
dishes to return. These are things Dad
didn’t feel like he could cope with and I was more than willing to handle. My
house with its dust and prints had been put on indefinite hold; such is the
nature of love. Saturday was the first chance I had without obligations or the
need to keep up appearances. My brother and his wife were coming down to go
shooting with my Dad and my husband…. I was alone! As much as I fussed and
cried about having an empty nest, I really had gotten used to being my own boss
and keeping my own hours and I was looking forward to several hours of doing my
own thing. As it turned out, doing my own thing consisted of cleaning and
sorting and very little of just sitting and reflecting. Sitting and reflecting
wasn’t something I was ready for, so I dove in head first into cleaning my
house. I can’t say I got it all done, but I made some progress and it felt
great to focus on something else for a while. The time passed too quickly
leaving me with things I didn’t get a chance to check off like a walk and
cleaning the car, but I’ll have other “doing my own thing” days…. Eventually.
When we left Dad’s Friday, I didn’t pack anything except
what I needed for that night. Every night I go straight to his house when I get
off work and Mike comes when he gets off. Dad has dinner waiting for us. With
the empty nest, we’d gotten used to eating… Whenever, but we’ll both admit, it’s
nice to have dinner on the table when we get home. We eat as a family, clean
the kitchen together then retire to the family room for TV, reading the paper
and playing fetch with Dad’s funny as heck Corgi (that little stinker will keep
you on your toes). When Dad gets ready for bed, I’ll go into my bedroom, throw
a few more things of mine in a bag and bid him good night. It’s been easier for
him to see my things slowly disappear, then to have everything packed up and
move out in one sudden change. Coffee with Mom was one of his favorite time of
day, so I get up a little earlier in the mornings and stop by his house for
coffee before heading to work. I know it’s not the same, but it makes me feel
better and I hope it makes him feel better too. When I get there, he has my
coffee mug out and has it filled with hot water so my coffee doesn’t turn cold.
That’s the kind of guy he is. Although
he’s usually chatty, he’s become very quiet. Sometimes we’ll sit and allow the
silence to cover us like a blanket; silence can be good. “The days sure are
long with no one to take care of.” Daddy said during morning coffee. All I
could say was… “I know Daddy, I know.” And the silence of grief covered us
again.
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