It was 5 a.m. when my husband whispered.... "What's
plan B?" To which I answered.... "To sleep in and not worry about
it." We were supposed to hit the
road to OKC to help my daughter continue the hazmat-like cleaning. I was
surprised to wake up to inches (INCHES) of snow. Oh my! After breakfast I put on my ski gear
and headed for my favorite place.... The woods. The streets were abandoned as
most churches had cancelled services. When I got to the trail, everything was
shrouded in fluffy snow. The cedar trees looked as if the snow had been painted
on
them, they were picture perfect. As I walked the trail, my mind wondered
over the events of the week. Friday, after several weeks of agony, my Mom went home
to her Lord. I was keenly aware that my
husband and friends had kept a close eye on me, not knowing fully how I would
react to the stress of caring for her, along with the loss and exhaustion. Since
the TBI 4 years ago, I can be unpredictable when under stress. Although, I feel
whole now, I think they thought the TBI would poke it’s ugly little head out. I feel like I handled it as well as I
would have pre-TBI. I was thinking about the kindness of others who brought
meals, offered words of
them, they were picture perfect. As I walked the trail, my mind wondered
over the events of the week. Friday, after several weeks of agony, my Mom went home
to her Lord. I was keenly aware that my
husband and friends had kept a close eye on me, not knowing fully how I would
react to the stress of caring for her, along with the loss and exhaustion. Since
the TBI 4 years ago, I can be unpredictable when under stress. Although, I feel
whole now, I think they thought the TBI would poke it’s ugly little head out. I feel like I handled it as well as I
would have pre-TBI. I was thinking about the kindness of others who brought
meals, offered words of
encouragement, or just let me have mini meltdowns in
their presence.
One of the most
difficult things to do, is to look in the eyes of a friend who wants
desperately to rescue you from your pain, but knowing there is nothing that can
“fix” one of those life events we all, at some time, have to go through. As I
walked the snowy trail, I mentioned to God that I felt like I had been pulled
through the eye of a needle. Sometimes I
get the sense, God gets a kick out of our humanness…. And sometimes I think he’d
like to pinch our little heads off. I felt his presence on the snowy trail and
I’m almost sure he smiled at my analogy. He assured me that I had been pulled through
the eye of the needle, because that’s what he does when the thread he is using is
weak….. He pulls the thread through the eye of the needle which causes it to
double on the other side. 
With the thread doubled, he can mend a seam or a tear
and know it will hold because the thread is twice as strong as it was before it
went through the eye. Does that make sense to anyone but me? I’m not as weak
and as fragile as I have been the last few years; I’ve healed and I’ve grown,
because I’ve been pulled through to the other side and I’m grateful for the
gift of having made the journey and the memories. As I drove home I knew it
wasn’t a coincidence that just after Mom went to heaven, we got several inches
of snow. I knew it wouldn’t take her long to start taking charge of something.
I’m pretty sure she’s the new Snow Director in heaven and she knew just the
thing to make me smile.
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