Sunday I went for a walk
late in the afternoon when the shadows were long and the breeze was light. I didn’t
have the expectations my walk usually brings. I just needed an escape and some
fresh air. Saturday had been a particularly difficult day. My Aunt had spent
the night at Mom’s, allowing me the opportunity to spend the night in my own
bed. When I came into the house Saturday morning, she whispered to me that
Momma wasn’t doing well, she wasn’t talking. I walked into Mom’s room and lay
down by her. She gave me her million watt smile but didn’t try to talk. We lay
facing each other for several minutes before she croaked out…. “I…. Love…. You….”
I tried hard to keep smiling, but found tears broke through the dam instead.
When she saw me crying, she frowned and stared beyond me to a place those who
have their feet firmly planted in this world cannot see. I wondered aloud what
she saw, but got no answer. As strong as I’ve tried to be, in that moment I was
scared she would take her last breath before my kids got there or my brother
arrived. I sat with her until they arrived and watched her eyes light up as each
one walked into the room. She smiled and managed short greetings, but mainly
she just stared. During the afternoon we had episodes that have become the norm
for Dad and me. It was difficult for them to witness and I could see the
helplessness on their faces as she struggled and as Dad and I worked to take
care of her.
Saturday was a beautiful
day and I sat on the porch as each one took time to say what might be their
final
goodbyes.
When the last guest
left, I felt completely depleted and anxious about what Sunday would bring.
Perhaps by divine design, Sunday was quiet, so I took the opportunity to slip
away for a brief walk as she napped. As I got out of the car I was greeted by
Soxy the wonder dog. She smiled at me (yes, dogs do smile) as I hit the trail. My
heart wasn’t in rhythm with my feet, so my feet slowed to the rhythm of my
heart. The walk was more of a meandering through the woods than a walk.
I didn’t actually want to be there, I didn’t want to be anywhere, I wanted a
deep hole I could bury myself in, until the world passed me by and life
returned to normal. When I got to the end of the trail on my first lap, Soxy
waited at the end. It has become her habit to let me make the first lap by
myself, then she joins me on the others. The minute she pounced onto the trail,
I smiled. There are several reasons I love having Soxy walk with me.
The main reason is because for a long time
she wouldn’t walk with me. She would walk with the guys, she would walk if one
of the guys walked with me and once she walked when a girlfriend walked with
me, but she wouldn’t walk with me alone. It wasn’t until the bitter cold set in
and I still wanted to walk, when she decided it was me or no one.
I’m okay at being the last one picked, in fact
I’m quite used to it. I didn’t know for sure if she was going to join me until
I felt the cold tip of her wet nose as my arms swung back with my gait. Soxy
has a system to her walks. During the first part of the trail she walks at my
heel, or rather on my heel. Once we reach a certain part of the trail, things
become fun. She bounces and prances ahead of me then turns and waits until I
catch up. She’ll look over her shoulder as if she is telling me to hurry up;
she wants to check something out. Sunday she waited a lot. I love watching her
explore different trails and watching her ears as she cocks her head to listen when
she hears something rustling in the distance. But mainly I love to watch her
prance and bounce and yes, sometimes skip. When Soxy runs ahead, regardless of
how long the shadows of my day have been, Soxy and her happy feet make me smile.
In a flicker of time all of the burdens seem
a little less heavy and the clouds a little less dark when Soxy says… “Let’s
Go!”
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