God Help America

(Note: I should have written this blog post in all caps, because if I were discussing it with you in person, I would not be using my "inside voice")


The other night my husband and I went to see the Movie "13 Hours", which is based on the true story of the six members of a security team who fought to defend the American diplomatic compound in Benghazi. The movie itself did not lean in any political direction..... It is simply an accurate portrayal of the hell on earth that took place in Benghazi on September 11, 2012. It is a powerful example of the courage of soldiers protecting Americans in a foreign land. I found myself shaking my head throughout the movie, stunned that such an event took place. It's unbelievable that with so many lives lost, no one is being held accountable for the negligence of how it unfolded both during and after the fact. I left the theater mad..... Really mad. It is unimaginable to me, that someone responsible for the mismanagement of such an event, would have the gall to not only minimalize it("at this point, what difference does it make?"), but also to lie about it and then ask the citizens of our nation to actually elect them to the highest office in the country. The whole idea is like a really bad Quentin Tarantino film.... It's absurd! But what is even more shocking is there are probably enough clueless Americans who would actually vote for her!!!!!! God help us all.... God help America


2 Chronicles 7:14
"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."

Sugarcoated Memories

The other day my Dad and I were discussing the coping skills God gives us when we need it most.. During our darkest moments, he give us the strength to persevere.  We are capable of doing things we never thought possible. There have been events in my life that I have tucked into a safely guarded part of  my heart... Sometimes knowingly, sometimes not.  I can retrieve just enough of these events without touching the visceral emotion associated with them. This place is reserved for the events that aren't emotionally safe for me to examine up close and personal because they are just too painful. Recently I accidentally opened one of the  heart compartments without the safeguards I usually remember it in.  I sat there and  stared at the hardcore uncut version. I was SHOCKED, completely shocked at the pain I felt.... How did I manage?   In that moment I realized that I had previously only seen the sugarcoated memory. I had never really taken a step back and looked at it in it's truest form..... And now I know why. God gives us the strength and grace to get through whatever we need to go through. There have been times I have felt as though I survived by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin, but at least I survived.  I think God intended for me to get a glimpse of the raw version of the event, so I could understand exactly how much pain I experienced, and exactly how much grace it took to get me though. It was his way of saying..... "You don't want to go back there." I've tucked the memory back into it's guarded compartment (doubled the locks this time) with an understanding of how much God loves me and how blessed I am. Note to self, don't take God's grace for granted. 

Where You Choose to Focus

When I walked into the house Friday afternoon, I had every intention of having a productive weekend.  During the early morning hours Saturday, I woke up unable to breathe due to a raging sinus infection. I spent most of the weekend in bed or laying on the couch. As I began getting ready to tuck in for the night, I caught myself scolding myself because I hadn't gotten much done and dreading starting the week fighting being sick. About mid-scold, I stopped and started naming all of the reasons I had to be thankful. I turned my words around to sound more like... "I get to go to work tomorrow, even if I'm sick. I am blessed to have a nice comfy bed to snuggle in when I'm sick. I am thankful that my sweet husband cuddled under with me to keep me company."  We don't have took look very far to find things that disappoint us, or things to worry about. But the same can be true about our blessings..... it's just a matter of where you choose to focus.

"His eye is on the sparrow, so I know he watches over me"

Forever Yours

The enemy will pervert and steal anything possible..... But the moments treasured in the heart are forever yours.

The Heart of Me

 If you could see into the heart of me.... What would you see?

• Imperfection.
• Willing Reflection.
• A need to please.
• A friend willing to go the extra mile.
• A desire to be all God created me to be.
• An ocean of forgiveness because that is how much I need.
• A heart that needs things to make sense, yet embraces the senseless.
• A heart that wants to see the best in others.
• A broken heart covered with a smile when it finally figures out, sometimes the best isn't enough.
• A true desire to bring a smile, even in the worst of times.
• A sense of disappointments when I fail myself, others, and God.

Secrets of the Heart

I walked in the house this evening and headed straight for the hallway closet. My husband was in the backyard flying his drone, but I didn't even peek out to say hello. I pulled three large bank bags which are actually funeral bags from the closet and gingerly began scanning through the information tucked inside.  My daughter had sent me an email first thing this morning, requesting specific information for a college paper she had been putting off for months. It was a paper about death. She needed details about the four deaths that have touched our family. She needed information about the deaths of my husband's parents, my mother, and specifically the death of her half brother whose death was tragically sudden at the age of 23. She dreaded writing the paper and actually put it off until it was late which was a first for her and extremely out of character. I think I dreaded it as much as she did. I think it's natural for people to tuck painful memories and events in a pocket of the Heart. A pocket that allows just enough memory without causing too much pain. As I sat down and began to write the dates and details, I couldn't help but weep. The death of our parents is something we all expect at some time in life. The death of a child before their time, is never expected. The pocket of my heart that contains the memories of Richie's life and death are a mixture of heartache and regrets that I live with every day. His death digs up the could have, should have, and would have's that I cannot go back and fix. I can't fill in the missing pieces. I can't make it better, and I can't bring him back leaving a compartment of my heart without complete peace. The pieces of puzzle are not so neatly tucked away in the secrets of my heart.

What Not to Do

I thought I had learned my lesson about taking Ambien then continuing to engage by texting, using social media, or blogging (especially blogging) instead of going to bed. I haven't had an Ambien fueled eating binge or horrifying blog post in a really long time. I've always been full of surprises, but never as much as after my TBI in 2010. In the first two years after my injury, my husband had to closely monitor everything thing I did, because he never knew what I was going to do and I was especially unpredictable after I had taken Ambien. Those first couple of years I would wake in the middle of the night and either binge on anything I could get my chubby little fingers on, or blog things that would horrify my husband. It became his normal routine to get up early to see what kind of damage I may have done. There were several blog post I had to remove before the rest of the world woke up :-) The eating binges were kind of amusing. When I say I would binge without knowledge, I mean I would wipe out the fridge, including eating sticks of butter with no memory until I woke up and saw the remnants of empty packages scattered all over the kitchen and through the house. Apparently, I ate on the move. The sheer quantity of  food I would ingest during the night was alarming. As I slowly recovered from the TBI, my Ambien fueled episodes disappeared.... Until last night. I didn't clean out the fridge, but I did offer up way more information than my cousin was expecting . I didn't know I had texted her until I started to text my husband this morning and noticed I had exchanged text with her last night after I was in bed. I texted her this morning. She said she busted out laughing when she read it and she hadn't stopped smiling. I was mortified for about 2.5 seconds.... I'm over it now. It's okay by me if I continue to have a few "Jackie" moments.... It keeps things interesting, and amuses my husband immensely.