Dog Shaming 101

Occasionally Sailor will peruse the mail just to see if someone has sent her a greeting card or something. Maybe she is worried she has run her credit cards up. The other night as I was turning out the light to tuck in for the evening when my husband said.... "I didn't want to ruin our evening so I didn't tell you earlier, but Sailor ate the CD the photographer gave us of our family photo shoot. Maybe it's not a big deal, maybe you can get her to give you another one." Really?! Sure enough when I went downstairs the next morning the CD the had the minimal amount of damage any CD has when it's been chewed on by a horse. A part of

me wanted to hang a dog shaming sign around her neck and make her stand on the median of Hwy 81 during lunch hour traffic, but something tells me she wouldn't care, much less feel any shame. Lucky for her I had immediately downloaded the CD onto our computer, onto my Facebook and onto my Walgreens account. I'm pretty certain I have back up for my back up.  She's a lucky lucky duck because dog shaming can be brutal, I've seen the pictures, I know.

The Monkey on My Back

What a beautiful weekend. Thank goodness summer is coming to a close and fall is just ahead. My husband and I took advantage of the weather this weekend and tended to some much needed yard work. The last couple of years have been brutal as far as our desire to get anything accomplished past the front door. Unwanted weeds and weed trees(trees I don't want) have invaded our yard until we really are starting to look like the Herman Munster House. It amazes me how someone like myself, you know someone who can't keep a cactus alive, can grow the most amazing, vivacious weeds and weed trees.  These lawn rascals simply cannot be killed. Trust me, if I can't kill them, nobody can.  I took Riley and Sailor outside to work beside me. I like having them around, and they like being wherever we are... Well, usually. I put them both on leashes so they couldn't run off while I was preoccupied with cutting off limbs... Limbs of weed trees, not my personal attached at the body type of limbs. You would have thought I was taking Riley to dog Six Flags or something, she gets so excited about doing anything that the snorting could get on my nerves if I let it. After a while she settled down under a tree and behaved herself, which trust me can be a full time job for her.My husband brought out the reciprocating saw and went around back to mow the lawn. I know, kind of amazing isn't it, him leaving me unsupervised with a sharp power tool. It's scary crazy how much that man loves me! So, Sailor is my shy little scaredy cat. Well, at 182 lbs, she isn't exactly little, but she doesn't know that. She doesn't like change, loud noises, new environments, kids or strangers, in spite of the fact that I have tried to socialize her like a responsible pet owner should. Trust me, the first time you have to pull someones head from her mouth, you stop trying the socialize approach and turn to the tranquilize method

instead... Yeah, I'm really not kidding. Anyway, a tree fell down a few weeks ago and I just let it lay because it was so dang hot, and really who cared about it anyway, no one could see it (yeah, that's just my relaxed style). This weekend was the perfect time to cut it up and get it out... Except Sailor was freaked out, she wanted to be on me, panting like a rabid coon. It was like cutting up a tree with a 182 lb. spider monkey on my back. I took a log and tied her leash around it, I thought that would hold her back and slow her down, but no, she just followed me around, dragging her log with her. Let me just say it.... She looked ridiculous! I went to put something in the dumpster, she tried to follow me and got her log caught between the rock fence and the car and I just looked at her like she had lost her everlovin mind and thought to myself.... "That must be what God sees when he looks at me. A nonsensical mess of a woman dragging fears and anxieties that have yet to manifest themselves around behind her like a nut." If Sailor could only see how silly she looked lugging that log around, terrified of imaginary horrors, when there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of...  Well except for the fact that I had a sharp power tool thingy. I told her how silly she looked and just how ridiculous she was acting then I went in the house and bought out her doggie Xanax. In a few minutes she was resting peacefully under the cedar tree, keeping a close eye on me to make sure I didn't cut my foot off and things ran smoothly for the rest of the day. Yep, the lesson for the day is, life is too short to walk around with a giant spider monkeys on your back or logs hooked around your ankle. Shake it off, take a Xanax and get back to work!

Raccoon at My Window

When I stumble into the bathroom in the morning, there is a masked face staring back at me, not in the mirror but in the window. The raccoon I was so intent on catching a glimpse of a few months ago, is now an ever present face watching me in the morning as I prepare for work as well as and in the evening when I prepare for bed. He's gotten used to us and doesn't even try to hide when we pop into the bathroom unexpectedly. This morning my Bulldog who is usually a Sleeping Beauty, wanted up bright and early at 5 a.m. I opened the back door and she charged out like a soldier on a mission. It was completely dark outside, I was still half asleep when she began ranting and raving in pure Bulldog fashion. I had just started to shut the door when I heard a deep growl that was eerily up close and

personal. I cracked the door back open, peeked out through sleepy eyes, when I saw a black mass standing 3 feet away on the banister surrounding our back porch. I closed the door again as I tried to will my brain to wake up. I peeked back out and tried to ascertain whether the black mass was a cat or something more sinister.  I decided that if the black mass was a cat, then it had spent entirely too much time drinking whiskey and smoking too many cigarettes. Riley was all riled up and throwing such a hissie fit she couldn't (or wouldn't) hear me demand that she back away from the very pissed Raccoon. Sailor (English Mastiff) was more than happy to stand behind me in the kitchen as I yelled at Riley. The raccoon was too close for me to attempt to walk out on the porch to drag her in. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of pleading, Riley ran back in the house, huffing and puffing like she had single handedly put the hurt on an army of giants.  I put everyone back in bed and decide it's way too early to be up in the first place so I go back to bed. Later in the morning when I told my husband about our early morning adventure, I could almost see his lip quiver as he bit back the words.... "I told you it wasn't a good idea to start feeding the raccoon."

I Feel Pretty

She feels prettier than she looks

What do you get when you mix several months of 100+ weather, narry a drop of rain (not a real word but if Kate Gosselin can make up words than so can I), 175lb English Mastiff who likes to waller (yep, another made up word) a 60lb English Bulldog (much like one does a rubber ball) around the dirt in Oklahoma?? You guessed it, A Red Dirt Bulldog. When I got Riley, She had a perfect Mickey Mouse fawn outline on her white background. I nixed all Disney names and went with "Oh Riley!" because she tended to be a handful. That was a smart choice because as she has grown (out, not up) her little Mickey Mouse outline looks more like a Hydrocephalic Mickey Mouse. It reminds me what probably happens when a 20 year old girl who is a size 0 decides to get a sunburst tatoo surrounding her navel.... Three

kids and several pant sizes later, it probably doesn't resemble anything akin to a sunburst (not speaking from personal experience here).  Last night was bath time and she was one red dirt mess. After towel drying her off, she zipped around the house at warp speed snorting like a rabid pig. My husband remarked that she sure was wound up! He doesn't speak Bulldog so I had to interpret... "Nope, she's just singing I Feel Pretty." "I feel pretty, Oh so pretty" Oh, wouldn't it be nice if every woman's body image could be cured by the simple act of taking a bubble bath.