Sojourn Companion

A week ago tomorrow, they found a large mass on my Mother's pancreas. As I sit here today, I know nothing more than that, except what I read between the lines and glean from the internet. What my gut tells me, and the doctor inferred is.... "I don't believe there will be a positive outcome to this". So, we sit and we wait. My hearts desire, is to be stoic, steadfast and strong. In my heart, I want to be a spiritual pillar for my parents to lean on; a bedrock of stability and dependability. The truth is, and if you know me very well you'll agree, I wear every emotion on my sleeve like a general wears his stars. I don't keep a lot hidden. If I feel it you know it. Actually, I don't think I really need any words, because my eyes are more animated than they should be. This trait has its good points and its bad points. The good point is, you always know where you stand with me. The bad point is, you always know where you stand with me. I've actually tried very hard over the years to suppress my expressions, but then I just come across mad, when what I'm really doing is just suppressing my feelings... It's the look women get when we practice our Kegel exercises. My goal is to not be a whimpering, whiny mess, but in order to do that, I would have to remove myself from civilization. A co-worker asked me yesterday how I was doing and at that very moment I was fine.... 10 minutes later in the quiet of my office, I wasn't so fine. I am trying very hard to keep the hysterics tamped down, but I'm not guaranteeing how much luck I'll have with it... Consider yourself warned. Also, (another warning) I tend to blog a lot during a crisis. Blogging is therapy for me. If I had one ounce of creativity in painting or drawing, I wouldn't need to blog. Words are my paint, life is my canvas and you are my sojourn companion. Things can get a bumpy if you're riding with me, but this is who I am.

Wrestling Walruses

I hate epiphanies that results in me knowing that if karma is everything they say she is.... I'm in HUGE trouble.  I had one of those moments yesterday... Well, I had several hours of those moments yesterday. I went in with a deep breath telling myself to remain calm and to be sweet, sweet, sweet and patience, patience, patience. By the end of the day, I was sitting in a dark corner with a girlfriend as we shared our walrus of the day stories. Her walruses are different than my walruses, but I'm almost certain everyone has a walrus or two hidden in their closet. After a long silence yesterday afternoon, I turned to walrus #1 and asked..... "How much medication would I have to take to bring me to a long state of unconsciousness, without tipping me over the edge?" The walrus looked at me with great big walrus eyes and asked..... "Are your nerves that bad?"  I wasn't serious, of course I wasn't serious....  But, in the moment I sincerely wanted Calgon to take me away and possibly never bring me back. During the day I texted a friend who had successfully wrestled her walruses several years ago..... She texted me back, reminded me that her wrestling days were over, but she would be in the corner cheering me on. My other girlfriend said she found a sign the other day that said..... "I've thought more about running away from home as an adult than I ever did as a child." Boy, ain't that the truth!....  Yesterday was a wake up call for me to work on my interpersonal relationship skills... So I am..... More patient... and so my hospitality has more hospitable in it than it has hostility. To better prepared myself for this wrestling career, I'm thinking of taking some of those workshops they give at Lowe's like "How to nail jello to a wall" (that would have come in handy yesterday) and other skills needed for wrestling something that's slippery with no arms.


P.S. In case you're wondering, my walrus is NOT my husband. He is my biggest fan every day, not just during the WWC (Walrus Wrestling Championships) .

No Joking Matter

In the last month or two I've found myself obsessing over tiny lines and wrinkles... Stubble where there should be no stubble and flap where there should only be firm. I often refer to my "How Not to Look Old" book And yes, I'm not even kidding a little, there is a book. It sits on my desk at work and the pages are well worn. I've given one to all my girlfriends and even loaned it out to co-workers who diligently took notes for further reference. I may joke about a lot of stuff, but some things are no joking matter. Yes, there will be a test after reading... There is always a test.