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Friday, July 1, 2016

Urine Funny

Everyone copes with life's mishaps and hurdles in different ways. My coping mechanism is humor.... Sarcastic-ish humor, but not in a mean way... In a humorous way.... Well humorous to me and select others who appreciate a good pun or light hearted fun. My son told me once that God would rather me be righteous than funny, which I thought was funny since God created me and my sense of humor. I'm tempted to say I can't help myself, but that wouldn't be owning my humor. I guess if I tried really hard and had some duct tape and bailing wire handy at all times, I might be a little more successful in keeping my sense of humor in check at inappropriate times. The thing about it is, it happens so fast.... It's like the cartoon bubble is just forming over my head encapsulating the words that are already out there and I can't (hard as I might try) take them back.... So, I just own it. The latest example is as follows....

Our Alaskan vacation ended with my husband spending the last leg of the cruise running a dangerously high fever. That's it, nothing but this crazy fever and all the aches and pains that go with it. We still had 3 days left, so I meandered around the ship by myself spending a great deal of time in the piano bar, huddled with my sketch pad and pens. When we got home he continued to feel horrible and the second day even he agreed he needed to go to the hospital. Long story short is we got him to the ER not one second too soon. Apparently he had developed a bladder infection, that traveled to the kidneys and ended up septic which is a very severe condition. He spent 4 days in the hospital and was finally released, weak as a kitten and looking like he had lost 20 pounds. Seriously, he is the only person I have ever know that comes off a cruise having lost a lot of weight. Why can't things like that ever happen to me. I would have gladly taken his place and  viewed the whole deal as a jump start to a much needed diet. He was scheduled to see a specialist a couple of days after he got out of the hospital. I went with him to the appointment and listened as the doctor described a procedure he wanted to do which involved running a scope into his bladder (I'll let you decipher how he intended to get the scope to the bladder), so he could see if there was an issue that needed to be addressed. Needless to say, Mike was not excited about the whole ordeal, but the doctor assured him that he would prescribe him medication so he would be relaxed going into the procedure that would be done in his office. He also described what he called "Vocal Local" meaning he would be talking him through the procedure, explaining what was going on, therefore taking his mind off of what was actually taking place. So the day of the procedure came. He was anxious that the medication wasn't taking the edge off the anxiety, but his speech was a little slurred so I thought it was doing it's job. They put us in the room and stuck me out of the way (physically speaking). The nurse prepped him and the doctor came in and asked how he was feeling. Mike told him he didn't think the medicine had worked because he was really anxious. Then the doctor said...."Remember me telling you about the "Vocal Local"? as he patted him on the shoulder.... I stifled a snicker that wasn't as stifled as it was meant to be and the following words tumbled through my brain and right out my mouth..... "So does that make you The Penis Whisperer?"..... I mean... Where did that even come from? Well, I will tell you.  In a Nano second my mind went directly to the hypnosis sessions I listen to when I am fighting my insomnia.... Which led to the thought of whispering, which led to the movie "The Horse Whisper", and that's when I thought I was muttering under my breath, but it ended up being way more overstated than a mutter. As soon as the words were out, a very chilly breeze sucked every bit of oxygen out of the room and even though his back was to me, the doctor froze in place, gathered his thoughts (and was probably furiously groping for an adequate come back) and could think of notta.  His nurse chuckled under her breath but quickly sucked it in as he said.... "I didn't hear anything".... I know, I know, it was a very un-righteous thing to say, God forbid, but come on, you gotta admit it was a little funny. I sat as quite as a church mouse during the rest of the procedure. I felt like I should be sent to the principal's office.  I got a brisk cold shoulder from the doctor as we waiting for Mike to get dressed so he could discuss his findings with us. I didn't say a word to him.  I intently read my National Geographic and he typed away on his computer. The tension was very.... Tense. In case you're wondering if I apologized.... No, I did not. I wouldn't have been able to do so with a straight face. On the way home I told Mike that I hated it when people didn't "get me". Then he said the most perfect thing possible.... "Your sense of humor is one of the things I love the most about you.... I always have." Now that's a man who gets me.

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